Thread: Writing Attempt

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  1. #1
    Mitya's Avatar
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    Writing Attempt

    Attempting a writing prompt; would love some feedback. I've never really sat down and written something before like this.

     
    You open the door to your room. It leads to a completely different room than yours. Confused, you go back out the way you came, only to find yourself in yet another unknown room.




    As the bell tolls I grab my bag from underneath the desk and begin my journey home, albeit this one was slightly different. During the day a couple friends and I found some powdery substance near the back end of the field in our school, an area we're warned to stay away from due to unknown circumstances. We are only 14-16 and our curiosity got the best of us, one of us would take the substance to which I volunteered. Lately the teachers here have been going crazy over keeping that part of the field clear, that won't stop certain people from finding out why this part of the field should remain unexplored, unknown and solitary.

    Firstly I realised that buildings looked skew, ready to collapse on the horde of school children walking past to get home. I felt wheezy and started coughing loudly, gaining unnecessary attention. "Young smokers" was muttered somewhere nearby and I didn't care, argue or throw my opinion on it, I needed to get home, fast. I shifted a gear into a faster walk and somehow paced myself steadily enough that I reached home pretty quickly. The door was open. My father's not meant to be home until late at night..

    The house felt cold. I staggered further in and threw my bag on the sofa, I missed, it hit the floor. Whatever, I'll pick it up later before dad gets home. I remembered the door and shouted "Dad?", with no response I creeped up the stairs, slowly, but managed to fall near the top. Grunting I slowly walked towards his office room and realised the door was locked from the inside. I knocked on the door and received no response, I assumed he had his headphones on and was concentrating on work. I decided it was best to get some sleep and hope my immune system would get rid of whatever powder I had taken earlier, it wasn't worth risking anything else. I'd tell my mates later what had happened, but now I needed to rest.

    I turned the door knob threw myself inside, shut the door and jumped towards my bed. Where I thought it was. I hit the floor and groaned loudly, how can my father re-arrange my room without telling me. I stood up and flicked the light switch on and realised that this room, was not my own. Everything inside was not mine, the room had a musty old smell to it that could have tricked me into thinking I was at a Tudor museum. Confused, I exited the room, closed my eyes and told myself to never take any sort of substance, bought or found again. I opened my eyes and fell to the floor, this was not the corridor I was in three minutes before. This was my brothers room.

    Bewildered, I needed to rest and ask him to explain how I got here. I sat on his bed for a few minutes to gain composure and when I find him to ask him to stay with my while the effects wear off. Just as I stood up he entered the room, walked straight past me and sat down at his desk chair and began writing on a sheet of paper.

    "Aaron." no response. "Aaron, could you bring me some water I'm-" he burst into tears and ran from his room as quick as he entered. I walked over to the desk and decided to read what he was writing.

    Dave, Gone too Soon.

    You were a friend, a non-paternal brother and someone I looked up too. We had spent many years together and I expected many more. I cannot live on without you in my life, stand by my side and let me know when you're looking down on me.

    We shouldn't have allowed you to take the -


    "I cannot live on without you in my life?" "Gone too Soon?"

    I threw up, violently. I wasn't dead, I'm here. I decided to clean up the puke and ask him what he was on about. As I picked up the tissue paper and began cleaning up I realised the puke wasn't actually there. It dissolved the moment I touched it. I went to put the toilet paper back but realised I never actually picked it up. I looked down at my hands, they didn't rise up.

    Aaron came back in the room, switched on the TV and watched, with me behind him looking up in horror. Headlining "Teens body found at a home in London, portable oxygen tank found in backpack meters away. Traces of Methamphetamine found."

    I forgot to keep my oxygen tank on, I forgot to put it on when I got home. My only priority was to sleep and get rid of the side effects of that powdery substance. I let myself go.

    Aaron walked past, or should I say straight through me towards his bed. I heard wailing from next door, to which I assume it was dad mourning. I sat on the bed, tapped him on the arm and whispered into his ear "I'll never leave you, you were the best step brother I could have asked for. I love you"

    "I love you too"
    Last edited by Mitya; 10-27-2016 at 08:17 AM.



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  2. #2
    TheGuy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mitya View Post
    Attempting a writing prompt; would love some feedback. I've never really sat down and written something before like this.

     
    You open the door to your room. It leads to a completely different room than yours. Confused, you go back out the way you came, only to find yourself in yet another unknown room.




    As the bell tolls I grab my bag from underneath the desk and begin my journey home, albeit this one was slightly different. During the day a couple friends and I found some powdery substance near the back end of the field in our school, an area we're warned to stay away from due to unknown circumstances. We are only 14-16 and our curiosity got the best of us, one of us would take the substance, I volunteered. Lately the teachers here have been going crazy over keeping that part of the field clear, that won't stop certain people from finding out why this certain part of the field should remain unexplored, unknown and solitary.

    Firstly I realised that buildings looked skew, ready to collapse on the horde of school children walking past to get home. I felt wheezy and started coughing loudly, gaining unnecessary attention. "Young smokers" was muttered somewhere nearby and I didn't care, argue or throw my opinion on it, I needed to get home, fast. I shifted a gear into a faster walk and somehow paced myself steadily enough that I reached home pretty quickly. The door was open. My father's not meant to be home until late at night..

    The house felt cold. I staggered further in and threw my bag on the sofa, I missed, it hit the floor. Whatever, I'll pick it up later before dad gets home. I remembered the door and shouted "Dad?", with no response I creeped up the stairs, slowly, but managed to fall near the top. Grunting I slowly walked towards his office room and realised the door was locked from the inside. I knocked on the door and received no response, I assumed he had his headphones on and was concentrating on work. I decided it was best to get some sleep and hope my immune system would get rid of whatever powder I had taken earlier, it wasn't worth risking anything else. I'd tell my mates later what had happened, but now I needed to rest.

    I turned the door knob threw myself inside, shut the door and jumped towards my bed. Where I thought it was. I hit the floor and groaned loudly, how can my father re-arrange my room without telling me. I stood up and flicked the light switch on and realised that this room, was not my own. Everything inside was not mine, the room had a musty old smell to it that could have tricked me into thinking I was at a Tudor museum. Confused, I exited the room, closed my eyes and told myself to never take anything I ever find again. I opened my eyes and fell to the floor, this was not the corridor I was in three minutes before. This was my friends room.

    Bewildered, I needed to rest and ask him to explain how I got here. I sat on his bed for a few minutes to gain composure and when I find him to ask him to stay with my while the effects wear off. Just as I stood up he entered the room, walked straight past me and sat down at his desk chair and began writing on a sheet of paper.

    "Aaron." no response. "Aaron, could you bring me some water I'm-" he burst into tears and ran from his room as quick as he entered. I walked over to the desk and decided to read what he was writing.

    Dave, Gone too Soon.

    You were a friend, a non-paternal brother and someone I looked up too. We had spent many years together and I expected many more. I cannot live on without you in my life, stand by my side and let me know when you're looking down on me.

    We shouldn't have allowed you to take the -


    "I cannot live on without you in my life?" "Gone too Soon?"

    I threw up, violently. I wasn't dead, I'm here. I decided to clean up the puke and ask him what he was on about. As I picked up the tissue paper and began cleaning up I realised the puke wasn't actually there. It dissolved the moment I touched it. I went to put the toilet paper back but realised I never actually picked it up. I looked down at my hands, they didn't rise up.

    Aaron came back in the room, switched on the TV and watched, with me behind him looking up in horror. Headlining "Teens body found at a home in London, portable oxygen tank found in backpack meters from the body. Traces of Methamphetamine found."

    I forgot to keep my oxygen tank on, I forgot to put it on when I got home. My only priority was to sleep and get rid of the side effects of that powdery substance. I let myself go, literally and meta-physically.

    Aaron walked past, or should I say straight through me towards his bed. I sat on the bed, tapped him on the arm and whispered into his ear "I'll never leave you, you were the best step brother I could have asked for. I love you"

    "I love you too"
    "You open the door to your room. It leads to a completely different room than yours. Confused, you go back out the way you came, only to find yourself in yet another unknown room." Is the writing prompt?....... How does that relate at all the fk

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheGuy View Post
    "You open the door to your room. It leads to a completely different room than yours. Confused, you go back out the way you came, only to find yourself in yet another unknown room." Is the writing prompt?....... How does that relate at all the fk
    The writing prompt is basically where you write a small story around the prompt. So he goes into his room, turns out its not his, confused he leaves and it turns out hes in another room. Check reddit /r/WritingPrompts



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    Quote Originally Posted by Mitya View Post


    The writing prompt is basically where you write a small story around the prompt. So he goes into his room, turns out its not his, confused he leaves and it turns out hes in another room. Check reddit /r/WritingPrompts

    Never heard of this before. Thanks for introducing us, sounds interesting.



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    DRAMA ALERT i crieded

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mitya View Post


    The writing prompt is basically where you write a small story around the prompt. So he goes into his room, turns out its not his, confused he leaves and it turns out hes in another room. Check reddit /r/WritingPrompts
    Except where do you go into another room? You mention no room it does not follow the prompt at all. I am familiar with reddit and writing prompts and why dont you post yours there and let other people tell you the same as I just did...

  8. #8
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    Good concept and story, you have good voice. Just doesn't flow very well, check your transitional phrases and make sure your vocab isn't out of place.

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    Mitya (10-28-2016)

  10. #9
    cuckold cancer 8=D's Avatar
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    Totally read and totally interesting. OP
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  12. #10
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    Hey, thats pretty good.

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  14. #11
    Thinking is the Enemy of Creativity. It's Self-Conscious, & Anything Self-Conscious is Lousy.
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    Interesting, what a twist.

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    good story, keep it up.
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  18. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheGuy View Post
    Except where do you go into another room? You mention no room it does not follow the prompt at all. I am familiar with reddit and writing prompts and why dont you post yours there and let other people tell you the same as I just did...
    Because I wanted a response from users here.

    Paragraph 4 onwards is the following WP everything before is just a buildup.



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