1. A 3 year old kid was listening to his dad talking to his boss when the kid heard his dad say “Bitch that Bastard!” Eventually they left and on the way home the son asked “Daddy What does Bitch and Bastard mean?” And the dad replied “It means Girls and Boys son” Once they got home there mom started making dinner and she cut herself with a knife and said “Fuck!” and the son was listening so later the son asked “What does Fuck mean mommy” And his mom said “Cutting son”. After that he went upstairs to his dads bathroom and saw him shaving he cut him self and said Shit and the son overheard and eventually asked him what Shit meant and the dad said “Shaving cream son” Then the doorbell rang and the little kid answered it was a boy and a girl and they wanted his parents so he told them “Hello Bitches and Bastards my Mom is in the kitchen fucking herself and my dads in his bathroom putting shit on his face”
2. There were three men, all sleeping in the same bed in a small hotel room because on of them messed up their reservation. They all dreamt that night. The man on the right side of the bed dreamt that he was getting a hand job from the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen. The man on the left side of the bed dreamt almost the same thing, only with two girls. The next morning, they all told each other their dream. The man on the right side of the bed said, “man, i had an awesome dream last night! I dreamt that the hottest girl i ever saw was giving me a hand job!” The man on the left side of the bed, after hearing this, exclaimed “Wow! Me too! Only they were two of the most beautiful girls i have ever seen! After this, the man who slept in the middle of the bed said “Wow, awesome dreams, but mine beats them all. I dreamt that i was skiing!
3. Yo momma is so ugly I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application!
4. There is two kids playing in a sandbox. One was a boy, and the other kid was a girl. The boy pulled down his pants and the girl asked “what’s that”? The boy said “I don’t know, I’ll ask my dad. When the boy got home, he pulled down his pants and asked his dad “what’s this”? His dad said “thats your car, you always want to put your car into a girl’s garage”. When the girl went home, she asked her mom “whats this”? Her mom told her “that’s a garage, you never want a boy to put his car into your garage”. The next day, the boy and the girl went back to the sandbox. The boy tried to put his car into the girl’s garage. The next thing you heard was a loud scream. Then an old man came running over and asked “what happened”? The girl told him “the boy was trying to put his car into my garage, so I pulled his two back tires off”.
5. this shows our reliance to computers:
to find if you are a boy or a girl,look down
6. Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, “Hey that’s a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?”
The other old lady said, “It’s a condom.”
“A condom? Where do you get those?”
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, “What size do you want?”
The old lady thought for a minute and said, “One that will fit a Camel.”
6. “Life isn’t like a box of chocolates…. It’s more like a
jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.”
7. In the early 80’s Russian scientists discovered a way to transfer some of the pain of the child birth from the mother to the father. They find a couple and volunteer them for the experiment. As the woman is a about to go into labor(in Russia man were not allowed to be in the hospital where women gave birth) the scientists call the guy.
“Comrade, are you ready?”
“Whatever, comrade … click(hangs up)”
Puzzled scientists turn the machine to 10% call the guy again.
“Comrade, how are you feeling?”
“Fine, comrade … click”
Even more puzzled crank it to 50%, the women looks much better. Call the guy.
“Comrade, how are you feeling now?”
“(Annoyed) Fine, stop calling me every 5 minutes … click”
Finally, giving up the scientist crank it all the way up and call the guy.
“Comrade, tell us the truth how are you doing?”
“Shitty comrade, I am trying to watch a soccer game, my team is losing, you assholes keep calling me every 5 minutes and my damn neighbor is screaming as if he is giving birth.”
8. waht did the snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?