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    fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck


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    MinecraftFinest's Avatar
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    I'm super happy! this site just gave me a iTunes Card Code and it was legit! If you want one here: http://linkbitty.com/freeitunes2014
    Read more at http://freeitunesforever.com/#olgiomG6UZ2kAISY.99

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    wtf... why spam those " free codes whatever shit" here.... those things are just bullshit


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    This thread is the reason MPGH is laggy

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    im sorry !! i stand for like 60 % off all post so... im sorry

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gamerdog6482 View Post


    FOR THE LAST TIME
    POSTS IN THE SPAM CORNER DO NOT INCREASE YOUR POST COUNT
    for obvious reasons.

    Your fun gifs are so woman degrading.
    ...

    Spammers, ey? Well, I'm just going to fuck this up.

    So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

    He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

    He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
    and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.

    He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
    how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
    he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
    later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
    him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
    in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
    direction he thinks is right.

    He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
    been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
    whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

    He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

    By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
    town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

    As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
    he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

    Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
    up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

    He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.

    He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.

    He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
    his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
    find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

    Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.

    Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.

    As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

    He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
    any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
    rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
    swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
    and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
    another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
    He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
    make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

    He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
    it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
    sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

    He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
    dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
    Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.

    After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
    stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.

    After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
    knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
    donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
    enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
    he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
    trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

    He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

    He walks through the sand.

    After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
    remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
    doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

    But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
    that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
    there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

    Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
    time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
    just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

    While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
    gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
    the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
    in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
    rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
    shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.

    He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
    he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
    is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
    sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
    dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.

    Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
    fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
    cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
    here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

    He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
    After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

    He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
    energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
    he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
    in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

    So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
    to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
    have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
    of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
    have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
    chance.

    He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
    dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
    his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
    keeps crawling.

    Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
    where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
    area.

    His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
    stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
    overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
    down on the nice cool surface.

    Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
    probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
    dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
    beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
    a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

    He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
    in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
    center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

    It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
    hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
    not look well. Do you hear me?"

    He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
    knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
    different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
    seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
    tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
    and tries again. Better this time.

    Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
    of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
    pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
    out of the stone, at an angle.

    And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
    seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
    desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

    He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
    run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
    final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
    move from this spot.

    Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
    dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
    little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
    it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
    moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

    Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
    that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

    He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
    because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
    likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
    now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
    actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
    post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
    they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
    was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

    He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
    that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
    to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
    bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
    almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
    good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
    out.

    He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
    and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
    swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
    now.

    He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
    spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

    He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

    He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
    to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
    speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
    to try asking for help.

    "Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
    thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

    Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
    coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
    mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
    falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

    A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
    up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
    disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
    sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
    around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

    He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
    He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
    again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
    they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
    bitten. By the snake.

    "It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
    hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
    importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

    "Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
    afterlife?"

    "Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
    work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

    "You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
    drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
    thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
    the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
    Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

    "No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
    didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
    bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
    sitting around here."

    The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
    desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
    snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
    great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
    longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
    hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
    stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
    dying of thirst.

    "I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
    system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
    drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
    in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
    two, if you drank enough of it."

    "Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
    shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

    "That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
    get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
    own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

    "But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
    second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
    responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

    "By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
    Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
    used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
    for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
    names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
    if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
    somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

    "Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
    Samson.

    "Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
    poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
    What do you mean by that's how you work?"

    "That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
    all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
    wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
    to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
    be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
    it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
    all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
    get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
    You've been changed.

    "For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
    effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
    In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
    Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
    amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

    "As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
    could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
    talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
    to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
    you."

    "Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
    have to kill me?"

    "I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

    "Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
    talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
    nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
    stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
    you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
    fluid, and just denature it?"

    "They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
    while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
    on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
    pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
    that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

    "Yeah, they do," said Jack.

    "I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
    fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
    this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
    decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
    write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
    lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
    course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
    guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
    anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

    Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
    little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
    that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

    Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
    second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

    "Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
    ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

    "Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
    to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
    before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
    omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
    and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
    sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
    omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
    useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
    staring at him.

    "Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
    good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
    immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
    time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
    recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
    request to me."

    "Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
    long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
    about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
    really a change to me?"

    "Right," nodded Nate.

    "Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

    "That takes two requests, Jack."

    "Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
    become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

    "Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
    necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
    very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
    You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
    truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
    all depends on what you decide to do with it."

    "Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
    after this one?"

    "Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
    rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
    request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
    shoulders.

    "Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
    health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
    Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

    "No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
    whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
    that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

    Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
    didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
    about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
    snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
    be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
    tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
    wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

    "Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
    him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

    Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
    nowhere? And did they bring food?

    Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

    Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
    his jeans...

    Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
    decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
    hoodwink me like that."

    "I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
    humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
    especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
    minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
    health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

    "Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
    likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
    something instead?"

    "More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
    accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

    "Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
    to hear," answered Jack.

    "Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
    just start talking?"

    "Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

    "We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
    answered Nate.

    "Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
    "What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
    whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
    excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

    "I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
    it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
    that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

    "Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
    longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
    is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
    No thanks. Just talk."

    "Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
    looking at me as food.

    Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
    "You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

    Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
    sceptically.

    "Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
    and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
    stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

    Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
    representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
    was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
    left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
    looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
    embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

    Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
    setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
    sky.

    Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
    night out here! Arrrgh!

    Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
    stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
    Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
    have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
    desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

    "It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
    this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
    the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
    the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
    able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
    out early tomorrow, Jack."

    Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
    then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
    out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
    stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

    "Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
    figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
    'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
    could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
    across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

    "Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

    "No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
    count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
    do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
    of years, at least."

    "So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

    "Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
    kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
    could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
    requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

    "Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
    of the stone there?" asked Jack.

    "Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
    bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
    if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
    one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
    something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
    been here ever since.

    "What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

    "Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
    coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
    the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
    enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
    over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
    Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
    Nate was suddenly there in the way.

    "You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

    "Why not?" asked Jack.

    "I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

    "Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
    that way, and it would move in the slot."

    "Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

    "What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

    "Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
    'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
    voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
    grinned.

    Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
    Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
    really do?"

    "Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
    the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

    Nate continued to grin.

    "A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
    would anyone need to end humanity?"

    "Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
    Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
    bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
    the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
    didn't think to ask back when I started here."

    "Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

    "The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
    unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
    can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

    Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
    You'd let me end humanity?"

    "Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
    you want to, Jack?"

    "Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
    the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
    that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
    wouldn't it?"

    "Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

    "Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
    to secrecy, that is?"

    "Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
    another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
    think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
    disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
    But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

    Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
    the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
    humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

    "That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

    "What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
    decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
    bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

    "Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
    up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
    to know."

    "But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
    horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
    protested Jack.

    Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
    try your best, Jack."

    Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
    getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

    Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
    one bound to this before me?"

    "Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
    read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
    in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
    ago."

    "Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
    first told him. What did he do?"

    "Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
    then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

    "What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

    "He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

    "Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

    "I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
    you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
    that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
    and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
    again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

    "Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

    Nate watched him, waiting.

    "Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
    his third request?"

    Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
    "Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

    "Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
    to me.

    Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"

    "Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
    him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
    shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

    "He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
    Like he had a lot to think about."

    "Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
    face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

    Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
    Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

    "You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
    it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

    "Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
    tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

    "And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
    turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

    "Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
    straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
    With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
    in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

    Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
    now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

    Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
    extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
    the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
    recently bitten.

    Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
    bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
    his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
    was still awake.

    Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he
    thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

    "Nate, do accidents count?"

    Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

    Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
    accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
    that still wipe out humanity?"

    "Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
    if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

    A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

    "That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

    "No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
    the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a
    rock?"

    "Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
    you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
    control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by
    the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that
    in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they
    wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
    whatever had disappeared."

    "Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
    off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

    "Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
    right?" asked Jack.

    "Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

    "Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
    Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

    "He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat
    sad.

    Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

    Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
    society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
    questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
    faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and
    he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
    liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

    "His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
    stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
    time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he
    told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

    "And then he just died?" asked Jack.

    Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only
    one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

    After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his
    time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always
    had.

    After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
    with the sunrise."

    Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
    memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

    Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
    the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
    that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

    So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
    get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
    walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
    it back easily.

    Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
    little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
    and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
    a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
    They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
    incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's
    lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

    Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
    book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to
    avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see
    Nate.

    Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
    backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
    started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
    knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
    and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

    Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
    Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
    others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
    and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
    that he had things to do first.

    Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
    a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
    special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
    special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
    rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
    its location to the satellite.

    After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
    fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

    After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he
    'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
    working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
    any more. Jack went back to school.

    Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
    because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
    and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
    traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

    But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

    On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
    a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
    Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
    Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this
    visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at
    Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's
    silence, sat down and waited.

    After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

    Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

    "No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
    Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

    Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
    dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

    "Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.

    "Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I
    assume?"

    Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
    for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
    edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
    about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
    other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to
    have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.

    "He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
    that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

    Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
    joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can
    do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was
    something more.

    Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
    "Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
    ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

    Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my
    first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
    know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
    anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
    needed a replacement."

    Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
    and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

    Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
    already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
    here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

    Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about
    this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would
    be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
    hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
    Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
    was, "What do you want me to do?"

    Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
    the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
    and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

    "I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
    old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
    I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
    able to die. And I need you to kill me.

    "I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
    I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so
    that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

    Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
    say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
    or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of
    going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work,
    even on me.

    "You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

    "Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

    Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
    Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."

    Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
    back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
    headed into the desert with Sammy following.
    Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through
    e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting
    every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a
    natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up
    acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to
    keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were
    nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a
    few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle
    them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few
    wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
    newspapers or the public in general.

    When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
    undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
    drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
    stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
    Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
    could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

    So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
    Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
    his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
    Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
    getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
    much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
    definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to
    head back and see Nate.

    When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
    and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
    Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

    When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
    years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
    walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to
    figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either
    have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

    As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
    resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
    only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
    afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
    drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

    Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
    sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out
    into the desert.

    Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
    nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds,
    revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
    the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed
    up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd
    decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing
    traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
    keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the
    other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
    laughing at Jack's driving.

    As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
    that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
    waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV
    started slipping down the other side.

    Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped
    the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and
    faster.

    Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
    heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
    it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end
    humanity.

    Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
    working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
    Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
    lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
    the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer
    away.

    Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
    little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
    right.

    The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
    sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
    they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
    else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
    around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the
    stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
    the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
    was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
    sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
    lever to the other side.

    Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
    lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
    realized the same thing.

    Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
    Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER," he ran over the snake.



    THE END


    * * * *

    * * * *

    * * * *

    * * * *


    PLEASE READ:

    This joke was also a personality profile test...

    It was the subject of a recent Educational Psychology Master's Thesis, soon to be published, which investigated the way that someone responds to a webpage such as this correlates to certain personality tendencies.

    The research confirmed a statistically significant correlation which strongly suggests a dependably predictive positive relationship between how a person responds to this page and certain aspects of his or her psychological profile. Thus, it is called the Personality Profile Assessment Test Hypothesis.

    While the actual results looked at several complex factors, and depended heavily on questionnaires filled out by volunteers upon completion of their experience, I will simplify the results by discussing three main groups and their profiles. While these profiles may not be exactly fitting of each person within each group, they do strongly suggest a statistically significant likelihood of profile similarity.



    11% of those who see this page take their time, enjoying the joke as they read it, enjoying the build up to the punch line, and even if the punch line itself wasn’t particularly humorous, they tended to enjoy the process.



    56% begin scroll down to the punch line either before starting to read the joke or within a short period of time- usually 20 seconds or less. The vast majority of this group choose not to read the joke.


    33% read at least 1/3 of the joke, with the intention of reading it all, but then begin to question their decision and the investment of time they are making. They go back and forth between deciding to continuing or to skip to the end (this vacillating may be unconscious at the time, and happen in a matter of moments). The vast majority in this group give up before finishing ½ of the joke, and scroll to the end.

    People in the first group, who read the entire joke, tend to enjoy the journey of life, and take their time as they move towards a goal. When traveling, they tend to thoroughly enjoy the process, and are not uptight or stressed about single-mindedly getting to their destination. They also tend to be very attentive, patient and long lasting lovers, and enjoy intimacy and physical connectivity whether or not it is carried to completion.

    Those in the second group, who scroll to the end before reading more than a few sentences of the joke, tend to avoid surprises and the unknown. They prefer to have a regular schedule and not to step out of their routine. They tend to be efficient, but are often lacking in enjoyment, spontaneity and passion. They tend to be less patient and more interested in the destination than the journey. When on a trip, they tend to focus on getting where they are going, rather than enjoying the process. During intimacy, they tend to not be able to enjoy it unless they are certain it will be taken to completion. The idea of just “playing around” a while, engaging in physical intimacy without the promise of full completion is, rather than simply enjoyable and connective, considered to be “cruel” and a “teasing” and is met with resentment. This group’s ability to enjoy depends largely on their need to know what is going to happen. They tend to be more self-focused lovers, and tend not to last very long in satisfying the other partner if their own satisfaction has happened or is within easy reach.

    The third group, who decided not to read the entire joke after reading a third or more of it, tend to be commitment-phobic and lack the ability to move forward to completion when things become challenging. They are often procrastinators and frequently give up on tasks when they become more difficult. They tend to prefer to have big dreams than act on them in the real, challenging world. A significantly higher percentage of this group had Cesarean birth, and may not have had the benefit of that early experience of struggle and effort being rewarded with accomplishment. This group tends to not take big vacations which would take more effort to plan and implement, and tends to stay close to home or even stay home during time off. Promotions and career moves which are within reach but still require some effort and focus are frequently not fully tried for, although the perception will be they were passed up. In intimate relationships, this group tends to start out romantic and passionate, but it quickly fades and is replaced by lackadaisicalness and indifference, characterized in part by a sense of feeling it is not worth the effort to continue having a passionate, energized and complete experience during intimacy. There is a tendency to “peter out” both in intimacy and in other aspects of life, and to take the easier road, even if it leads to a less fulfilling life.


    * * * *

    Disclaimer: This summary of the thesis results is not intended in any way to offer advice or therapy, nor is it intended to infer anything about whether anyone reading this page does or does not fit the personality profiles described.



    * * * *










    This ends the longest joke in the world. (More than 42 meters long, top to bottom).

  7. #1672
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    Lol, already read it on the other thread! pretty funny,

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    stop .

    List of Middleman Impersonations
    Current Middlemen
    Report a Scammer here

    Member Since: 5 December 2011
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    ur fired
    sorry D:
     

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    RETURN
    OF THE
    JEDI


    1 SPACE

    The boundless heavens serve as a back-drop for the MAIN TITLE, followed
    by a ROLL-UP, which crawls into infinity.

    Episode VI
    RETURN OF THE JEDI

    Luke Skywalker has returned to his home planet of Tatooine in an
    attempt to rescue his friend Han Solo from the clutches of theÊvile
    gangster Jabba the Hutt. Little does Luke know that the GALACTIC EMPIRE
    has secretly begun construction on a new armored space station even
    more powerful than the first dreaded Death Star. When completed, this
    ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of Rebels
    struggling to restore freedom to the galaxy...

    PAN DOWN to reveal a monstrous half-completed Death Star, its massive
    superstructure curling away from the completed section like the arms of
    a giant octopus. Beyond, in benevolent contrast, floats the small,
    green moon of ENDOR.

    An Imperial Star Destroyer moves overhead toward the massive armored
    space station, followed by two zipping TIE fighters. A small Imperial
    shuttle rockets from the main bay of the ship and hustles toward the
    Death Star.

    2 INT IMPERIAL SHUTTLE - COCKPIT
    The shuttle captain makes contact with the Death Star.

    SHUTTLE CAPTAIN
    Command station, this is ST 321. Code Clearance Blue. We're starting
    our approach. Deactivate the security shield.

    DEATH STAR CONTROLLER (filtered VO)
    The security deflector shield will be deactivated when we have
    confirmation of your code transmission. Stand by... You are clear to
    proceed.

    SHUTTLE CAPTAIN
    We're starting our approach.

    3 INT DEATH STAR - CONTROL ROOM

    Operators move about among the control panels. A SHIELD OPERATOR hits
    switches beside a large screen, on which is a display of the Death
    Star, the moon Endor, and a bright web delineating the invisible
    deflector shield.

    A control officer rushes over to the shield operator.

    OFFICER
    Inform the commander that Lord Vader's shuttle has arrived.

    OPERATOR
    Yes, sir.

    The control officer moves to a view port and watches as the Imperial
    shuttle lands in the massive docking bay. A squad of Imperial
    stormtroopers moves into formation before the craft.

    4 INT DEATH STAR - MAIN DOCKING BAY

    The DEATH STAR COMMANDER, MOFF JERJERROD, a tall, confident technocrat,
    strides through the assembled troops to the base of the shuttle ramp.
    The troops snap to attention; many are uneasy about the new arrival.
    But the Death Star commander stands arrogantly tall.

    The exit hatch of the shuttle opens with a WHOOSH, revealing only
    darkness. Then, heavy FOOTSTEPS AND MECHANICAL BREATHING. From this
    black void appears DARTH VADER, LORD OF THE SITH. Vader looks over the
    assemblage as he walks down the ramp.

    JERJERROD
    Lord Vader, this is an unexpected pleasure. We're honored by your
    presence.

    VADER
    You may dispense with the pleasantries, Commander. I'm here to put you
    back on
    schedule.

    The commander turns ashen and begins to shake.

    JERJERROD
    I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can.

    VADER
    Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them.

    JERJERROD
    I tell you, this station will be operational as planned.

    VADER
    The Emperor does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation.

    JERJERROD
    But he asks the impossible. I need more men.

    VADER
    Then perhaps you can tell him when he arrives.

    JERJERROD (aghast)
    The Emperor's coming here?

    VADER
    That is correct, Commander. And he is most displeased with your
    apparent lack of progress.

    JERJERROD
    We shall double our efforts.

    VADER
    I hope so, Commander, for your sake. The Emperor is not as forgiving as
    I am.

    5 EXT ROAD TO JABBA'S PALACE - TATOOINE

    A lonely, windswept road meanders through the desolate Tatooine
    terrain. We HEAR a familiar BEEPING and a distinctive reply before
    catching sight of ARTOO-DETOO and SEE-THREEPIO, making their way along
    the road toward the ominous palace of Jabba the Hutt.

    THREEPIO
    Of course I'm worried. And you should be, too. Lando Calrissian and
    poor Chewbacca never returned from this awful place.

    Artoo whistles timidly.

    THREEPIO
    Don't be so sure. If I told you half the things I've heard about this
    Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short-circuit.

    The two droids fearfully approach the massive gate to the palace.

    THREEPIO
    Artoo, are you sure this is the right place? I better knock, I suppose.

    6 EXT JABBA'S PALACE - GATE

    Threepio looks around for some kind of signaling device, then timidly
    knocks on the iron door.

    THREEPIO (instantly)
    There doesn't seem to be anyone there. Let's go back and tell Master
    Luke.

    A small hatch in the middle of the door opens and a spidery mechanical
    arm, with a large electronic eyeball on the end, pops out and inspects
    the two droids.

    STRANGE VOICE
    Tee chuta hhat yudd!

    THREEPIO
    Goodness gracious me!

    Threepio points to Artoo, then to himself.

    THREEPIO
    Artoo Detoowha bo Seethreepiowha ey toota odd mischka Jabba du Hutt.

    The eye looks from one robot to the other, there is a laugh then the
    eye zips back into the door. The hatch slams shut. Artoo beeps his
    concern.

    THREEPIO
    I don't think they're going to let us in, Artoo. We'd better go.

    Artoo beeps his reluctance as Threepio turns to leave. Suddenly the
    massive door starts to rise with a horrific metallic SCREECH. The
    robots turn back and face an endless black cavity. The droids look at
    one another, afraid to enter.

    Artoo starts forward into the gloom. Threepio rushes after his stubby
    companion. The door lowers noisily behind them.

    THREEPIO
    Artoo, wait. Oh, dear! Artoo. Artoo, I really don't think we should
    rush into all this.

    Artoo continues down the corridor, with Threepio following.

    THREEPIO
    Oh, Artoo! Artoo, wait for me!

    7 INT JABBA'S PALACE - HALLWAY

    The door slams shut with a loud crash that echoes throughout the dark
    passageway. The frightened robots are met by two giant, green GAMORREAN
    GUARDS, who fall in behind them. Threepio glances quickly back at the
    two lumbering brutes, then back to Artoo. One guard grunts an order.
    Artoo beeps nervously.

    THREEPIO
    Just you deliver Master Luke's message and get us out of here. Oh my!
    Oh! Oh, no.

    Walking toward them out of the darkness is BIB FORTUNA, a humanlike
    alien with long tentacles protruding from his skull.

    BIB
    Die Wanna Wanga!

    THREEPIO
    Oh, my! Die Wanna Wauaga. We -- we bring a message to your master,
    Jabba the Hutt.

    Artoo lets out a series of quick beeps.

    THREEPIO (cont)
    ...and a gift.
    (thinks a moment, then to Artoo)
    Gift, what gift?

    Bib shakes his head negatively.

    BIB
    Nee Jabba no badda. Me chaade su goodie.

    Bib holds out his hand toward Artoo and the tiny droid backs up a bit,
    letting out a protesting array of squeaks. Threepio turns to the
    strange-looking alien.

    THREEPIO
    He says that our instructions are to give it only to Jabba himself.

    Bib thinks about this for a moment.

    THREEPIO
    I'm terribly sorry. I'm afraid he's ever so stubborn about these sort
    of things.

    Bib gestures for the droids to follow.

    BIB
    Nudd Chaa.

    The droids follow the tall, tentacled alien into the darkness, trailed
    by the two guards.

    THREEPIO
    Artoo, I have a bad feeling about this.

    8 INT JABBA'S THRONE ROOM

    The throne room is filled with the vilest, most grotesque CREATURES
    ever conceived in the universe. Artoo and Threepio seem very small as
    they pause in the doorway to the dimly lit chamber. Light shafts
    partially illuminate the drunken courtiers as Bib Fortuna crosses the
    room to the platform upon which rests the leader of this nauseating
    crowd: JABBA THE HUTT. The monarch of the galactic underworld is a
    repulsive blob of bloated fat with a maniacal grin. Chained to the
    horrible creature is the beautiful alien female dancer named OOLA. At
    the foot of the dais sits an obnoxious birdlike creature, SALACIOUS
    CRUMB. Bib whispers something in the slobbering degenerate's ear. Jabba
    laughs horribly, at the two terrified droids before him. Threepio bows
    politely.

    THREEPIO
    Good morning.

    JABBA
    Bo Shuda!

    The robots jump forward to stand before the repulsive, loose-skinned
    villain.

    THREEPIO
    The message, Artoo, the message.

    Artoo whistles, and a beam of light projects from his domed head,
    creating a hologram of LUKE on the floor. The image grows to over ten
    feet tall, and the young Jedi towers over the space gangsters.

    LUKE
    Greetings, Exalted One. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Luke
    Skywalker, Jedi Knight and friend to Captain Solo. I know that you are
    powerful, mighty Jabba, and that your anger with Solo must be equally
    powerful. I seek an audience with Your Greatness to bargain for Solo's
    life.
    (Jabba's crowd laughs)
    With your wisdom, I'm sure that we can work out an arrangement which
    will be mutually beneficial and enable us to avoid any unpleasant
    confrontation. As a token of my goodwill, I present to you a gift:
    these two droids.

    Threepio is startled by this announcement.

    THREEPIO
    What did he say?

    LUKE (cont)
    ... Both are hardworking and will serve you well.

    THREEPIO
    This can't be! Artoo, you're playing the wrong message.

    Luke's hologram disappears.

    Jabba laughs while Bib speaks to him in Huttese.

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    There will be no bargain.

    THREEPIO
    We're doomed.

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    I will not give up my favorite decoration. I like Captain Solo where he
    is.

    Jabba laughs hideously and looks toward an alcove beside the throne.
    Hanging high, flat against the wall, exactly as we saw him last, is a
    carbonized HAN SOLO.

    THREEPIO
    Artoo, look! Captain Solo. And he's still frozen in carbonite.

    9 INT DUNGEON CORRIDOR

    One of Jabba's Gamorrean guards marches Artoo and Threepio down a dank,
    shadowy passageway lined with holding cells. The cries of unspeakable
    creatures bounce off the cold stone walls. Occasionally a repulsive arm
    or tentacle grabs through the bars at the hapless droids. Artoo beeps
    pitifully.

    THREEPIO
    What could possibly have come over Master Luke. Is it something I did?
    He never expressed any unhappiness with my work. Oh! Oh! Hold it! Ohh!

    A large tentacle wraps around Threepio's neck. He manages to break
    free, and they move on to a door at the end of the corridor.

    10 INT BOILER ROOM

    The door slides open, revealing a room filled with steam and noisy
    machinery. The guard motions them into the boiler room, where they are
    met by a tall, thin humanlike robot named EV-9D9. Behind the robot can
    be seen a torture rack pulling the legs off a screaming baby work
    droid. A second power droid is upside down. As smoking branding irons
    are pressed into his feet, the stubby robot lets out an agonized
    electronic scream. Artoo and Threepio cringe as the guard grunts to EV-
    9D9.

    NINEDENINE
    Ah, good. New acquisitions. You are a protocol droid, are you not?

    THREEPIO
    I am See-Threepio, human-cy...

    NINEDENINE
    Yes or no will do.

    THREEPIO
    Oh. Well, yes.

    NINEDENINE
    How many languages do you speak?

    THREEPIO
    I am fluent in over six million forms of communication, and can
    readily...

    NINEDENINE
    Splendid! We have been without an interpreter since our master got
    angry with our last protocol droid and disintegrated him.

    THREEPIO
    Disintegrated?

    NINEDENINE (to a Gamorrean guard)
    Guard! This protocol droid might be useful. Fit him with a restraining
    bolt and take him back to His Excellency's main audience chamber.

    The guard shoves Threepio toward the door.

    THREEPIO (disappearing)
    Artoo, don't leave me! Ohhh!

    Artoo lets out a plaintive cry as the door closes. Then he beeps
    angrily.

    NINEDENINE
    You're a feisty little one, but you'll soon learn some respect. I have
    need for you on the master's Sail Barge. And I think you'll fit in
    nicely.

    The poor work droid in the background lets out another tortured
    electronic scream.

    11 INT JABBA'S THRONE ROOM

    The court of Jabba the Hutt is in the midst of a drunken, raucous
    party. Sloppy, smelly monsters cheer and make rude noises as Oola and a
    fat female dancer perform in front of Jabba's throne.

    Jabba leers at the dancers and with a lustful gleam in his eye beckons
    Oola to come and sit with him. She stops dancing and backs away,
    shaking her head. Jabba gets angry and points to a spot next to him.

    JABBA
    Da Eitha!

    The lovely alien shakes her head again and screams.

    OOLA
    Na Chuba negatorie Na! Na! Natoota...

    Jabba is furious and pulls her toward him, tugging on the chain.

    JABBA
    Boscka!

    He pushes a button and, before the dancer can flee, a trap door in the
    floor springs open and swallows her up. As the door snaps shut, a
    muffled growl is followed by a hideous scream. Jabba and his monstrous
    friends laugh hysterically and several revelers hurry over to watch her
    fate through a grate.

    Threepio cringes and glances wistfully at the carbonite form of Han
    Solo, but is immediately distracted by a gunshot offscreen.ÊAn
    unnatural quiet sweeps the boisterous gathering. On the far side of the
    room, the crush of debauchers moves aside to allow the approach of two
    guards followed by BOUSHH, an oddly cloaked bounty hunter, leading his
    captive, Han Solo's copilot, CHEWBACCA THE WOOKIEE.

    Bib takes his place next to his disgusting master, and whispers into
    his ear, pointing at Chewbacca and the bounty hunter. Jabba listens
    intently, then the bounty hunter bows before the gangster and speaks a
    greeting in a strange, electronically processed tongue (Ubese).

    BOUSHH (in Ubese subtitled)
    I have come for the bounty on this Wookiee.

    THREEPIO
    Oh, no! Chewbacca!

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    At last we have the mighty Chewbacca.

    Jabba lets out a loud, long, blood-curdling laugh and turns to
    Threepio, waving him closer. The reluctant droid obeys.

    THREEPIO
    Oh, uh, yes, uh, I am here, Your Worshipfulness. Uh... yes!

    Jabba continues speaking, as Threepio nervously translates. Boushh
    listens, studying the dangerous creatures around the room. He notices
    BOBA FETT standing near the door.

    THREEPIO
    Oh. The illustrious Jabba bids you welcome and will gladly pay you the
    reward of twenty-five thousand.

    BOUSHH (in Ubese subtitled)
    I want fifty thousand. No less.

    Jabba immediately flies into a rage, knocking the golden droid off the
    raised throne into a clattering heap on the floor. Boushh adjusts his
    weapon as Jabba raves in Huttese and Threepio struggles back onto the
    throne. The disheveled droid tries to compose himself.

    THREEPIO
    Uh, oh... but what, what did I say?
    (to Boushh)
    Uh, the mighty Jabba asks why he must pay fifty thousand.

    The bounty hunter holds up a small silver ball in his hand. Threepio
    looks at it, then looks at Jabba, then back to the bounty hunter. The
    droid is very nervous and Jabba is getting very impatient.

    THREEPIO
    Because he's holding a thermal detonator.

    The guards instantly back away, as do most of the other monsters in the
    room. Jabba stares at the silver ball, which begins to glow in the
    bounty hunter's hand. The room has fallen into a tense hush. Jabba
    stares at the bounty hunter malevolently until a sly grin creeps across
    his vast mouth and he begins to laugh.

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    This bounty hunter is my kind of scum. Fearless and inventive.

    Jabba continues.

    THREEPIO
    Jabba offers the sum of thirty-five. And I suggest you take it.

    Bib and the other monsters study the bounty hunter and wait for his
    reaction. Boushh releases a switch on the thermal detonator and it goes
    dead.

    BOUSHH
    Zeebuss.

    THREEPIO
    He agrees!

    The raucous crowd of monsters erupts in a symphony of cheers and
    applause as the party returns to its full noisy pitch. Chewbacca
    growls. As he is led away we spot LANDO CALRISSIAN, disguised as a
    skiff guard in a partial face mask. The band starts up and dancing
    girls take the center of the floor, to the hoots of the loudly
    appreciative creatures.

    Boushh leans against a column with gunfighter cool and ******s the
    scene, his gaze stopping only when it connects with a glare from across
    the room. Boba Fett is watching him. Boushh shifts slightly, cradling
    his weapon lovingly. Boba Fett shifts with equally ominous arrogance.

    12 INT DUNGEON CORRIDOR AND CELL

    Gamorrean guards lead Chewie down the same hallway we saw before. When
    a tentacle reaches out at the Wookiee, Chewie's ferocious ROAR echoes
    against the walls and the tentacle snaps back into its cell in terror.
    It takes all the guards to hurl Chewie roughly into a cell, slamming
    the door behind him. Chewie lets out a pathetic howl and bangs on the
    iron door.

    13 EXT JABBA'S PALACE

    The palace is sitting in the light of the double sunset. On the road in
    front, a large toadlike creature flicks its tongue out for a desert
    rodent and burps in satisfaction.

    14 INT JABBA'S THRONE ROOM - NIGHT

    Silence. The room is deserted, only the awful debris of the alien
    celebration giving mute witness to the activity here before. Several
    drunk creatures lie unconscious around the room, snoring loudly.

    A shadowy figure moves stealthily among the columns at the perimeter of
    the room and is revealed to be Boushh, the bounty hunter. He picks his
    way carefully through the snoring, drunken monsters.

    Han Solo, the frozen space pirate, hangs spotlighted on the wall, his
    coffin-like case suspended by a force field. The bounty hunter
    deactivates the force field by flipping a control switch to one side of
    the coffin. The heavy case slowly lowers to the floor of the alcove.

    Boushh steps up to the case, studying Han, and then turns to the
    controls on the side of the coffin. He activates a series of switches
    and, after one last hesitant look at Han, slides the de-carbonization
    lever. The case begins to emit a sound as the hard shell covering the
    contours of Han's face begins to melt away. The bounty hunter watches
    as Han's body is freed of its metallic coat and his forearms and hands,
    previously raised in reflexive protest, drop slackly to his side. His
    face muscles relax from their mask of horror. He appears quite dead.

    Boushh's ugly helmet leans close to Han's face listening for the breath
    of life. Nothing. He waits. Han's eyes pop open with a start and he
    begins coughing. The bounty hunter steadies the staggering newborn.

    BOUSHH
    Just relax for a moment. You're free of the carbonite.

    Han touches his face with his hand and moans.

    BOUSHH
    Shhh. You have hibernation sickness.

    HAN
    I can't see.

    BOUSHH
    Your eyesight will return in time.

    HAN
    Where am I?

    BOUSHH
    Jabba's palace.

    HAN
    Who are you?

    The bounty hunter reaches up and lifts the helmet from his head,
    revealing the beautiful face of PRINCESS LEIA.

    LEIA
    Someone who loves you.

    HAN
    Leia!

    LEIA
    I gotta get you out of here.

    As Leia helps her weakened lover to stand up, the relative quiet is
    pierced by an obscene HUTTESE CACKLE from the other side of the alcove.

    HAN
    What's that? I know that laugh.

    The curtain on the far side of the alcove opens, revealing Jabba the
    Hutt, surrounded by Bib and other aliens. He laughs again, and his
    gross cronies join in a cacophony of alien glee.

    HAN
    Hey, Jabba. Look, Jabba, I was just on my way to pay you back, but I
    got a little sidetracked. It's not my fault.

    Jabba laughs.

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    It's too late for that, Solo. You may have been a good smuggler, but
    now you're Bantha fodder.

    HAN
    Look...

    JABBA (cont Huttese subtitled)
    Take him away!

    The guards grab Han and start to lead him away.

    HAN
    Jabba... I'll pay you triple! You're throwing away a fortune here.
    Don't be a fool!

    Han is dragged off, as Lando quickly moves forward and attempts to lead
    Leia away.

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    Bring her to me.

    Jabba chuckles as Lando and a second guard drag the beautiful young
    princess toward him. Threepio peeks from behind a monster and quickly
    turns away in disgust.

    LEIA
    We have powerful friends. You're gonna regret this...

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    I'm sure.

    Inexorably her lovely face moves to within a few inches of Jabba's ugly
    blob of a head, and Leia turns away in disgust.

    LEIA
    Ugh!

    THREEPIO
    Ohhh, I can't bear to watch.

    15 INT DUNGEON CELL

    The heavy metal door of the dungeon whines and slowly creaks open. A
    guard throws the blinded star captain into the dark cell and the door
    slams shut behind him, leaving only a thin sliver of light from a crack
    in the door. Han is trying to collect himself when suddenly a growl is
    heard from the far side of the cell. He jumps back against the cell
    door and listens.

    HAN
    Chewie? Chewie, is that you?

    The shadowy figure lets out a crazy yell and races toward Han, lifting
    him off the ground with a big hug that carries them into the light,
    revealing Chewie.

    HAN
    Ah! Chew--Chewie!

    The giant Wookiee barks with glee.

    HAN
    Wait. I can't see, pal. What's goin' on?

    Chewie barks an excited blue streak.

    HAN
    Luke? Luke's crazy. He can't even take care of himself, much less
    rescue anybody.

    Chewie barks a reply.

    HAN
    A...Jedi Knight? I--I'm out of it for a little while, everybody gets
    delusions of grandeur.

    Chewie growls insistently. He holds Han to his chest and pets his head.

    HAN
    I'm all right, pal. I'm all right.

    16 INT MAIN GATE AND HALL - JABBA'S PALACE

    Noisily, the main gate lifts to flood the blackness with blinding LIGHT
    and reveal the silhouetted figure of LUKE SKYWALKER. He is clad in a
    robe similar to Ben's and wears neither pistol nor laser sword. Luke
    strides purposefully into the hallway. Two giant guards move to block
    Luke's path. Luke halts.

    Luke raises his hand and points at the puzzled guards, who immediately
    lower their spears and fall back. The young Jedi lowers his hand and
    moves on down the hallway.

    Bib Fortuna appears out of the gloom. He speaks to Luke as they
    approach each other, but Luke doesn't stop and Bib must reverse his
    direction and hurry alongside the young Jedi in order to carry on the
    conversation. Several other guards fall in behind them in the darkness.

    LUKE
    I must speak with Jabba.

    Bib answers in Huttese, shaking his head in denial. Luke stops and
    stares at Bib; he raises his hand slightly.

    LUKE
    You will take me to Jabba now!

    Bib turns in hypnotic response to Luke's command, and Luke follows him
    into the gloom.

    LUKE
    You serve your master well.

    Bib responds.

    LUKE
    And you will be rewarded.

    17 INT JABBA'S THRONE ROOM

    Jabba is asleep on his throne, with Leia lying in front of him.
    Salacious sits by Jabba's tail, watching it wriggle. Leia is now
    dressed in the skimpy costume of a dancing girl; a chain runs from a
    manacle/necklace at her throat to her new master, Jabba the Hutt.
    Threepio stands behind Jabba as Bib comes up to the gangster slug.

    THREEPIO
    At last! Master Luke's come to rescue me.

    BIB
    Master.

    Jabba awakens with a start and Bib continues, in Huttese.

    BIB
    ...Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight.

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    I told you not to admit him.

    LUKE
    I must be allowed to speak.

    BIB (in Huttese subtitled)
    He must be allowed to speak.

    Jabba, furious, clobbers Bib and shoves him away.

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    You weak-minded fool! He's using an old Jedi mind trick.

    Luke stares hard at Jabba.

    LUKE
    You will bring Captain Solo and the Wookiee to me.

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    Your mind powers will not work on me, boy.

    LUKE
    Nevertheless, I'm taking Captain Solo and his friends. You can either
    profit by this... or be destroyed! It's your choice. But I warn you not
    to underestimate my powers.

    Jabba's laugh is mean and loud. Threepio attempts to warn Luke about
    the pit.

    THREEPIO
    Master Luke, you're standing on...

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    There will be no bargain, young Jedi. I shall enjoy watching you die.

    Luke reaches out, and a pistol jumps out of a guard's holster and flies
    into Luke's hand. The bewildered guard grabs for it as Jabba raises his
    hand.

    JABBA
    Bascka!

    The floor suddenly drops away, sending Luke and the hapless guard into
    the pit. The pistol goes off, blasting a hole in the ceiling. Jabba
    laughs and his courtiers join in. Leia starts forward but is restrained
    by a human guard-- Lando, recognizable behind his mask. She looks at
    him and he shakes his head "no."

    18 INT RANCOR PIT

    Luke and the guard have dropped twenty-five feet from a chute into the
    dungeonlike cage. Luke gets to his feet as the guard yells hysterically
    for help. A crowd gathers up around the edge of the pit as the door in
    the side of the pit starts to RUMBLE open. The guard screams in panic.
    Luke looks calmly around for a means of escape.

    THREEPIO
    Oh, no! The Rancor!

    At the side of the pit, an iron door rumbles upward and a giant, fanged
    RANCOR emerges. The guard runs to the side of the pit and tries
    futilely to scramble to the top. The hideous beast closes in on him.

    The Rancor moves past Luke, and as the guard continues to scramble, the
    Rancor picks him up and pops him into its slavering jaws. A few
    screams, and the guard is swallowed with a gulp. The audience cheers
    and laughs at the guard's fate.

    The monster turns and starts for Luke. The young Jedi dashes away just
    ahead of the monster's swipe at him, and picks up the long arm bone of
    an earlier victim. The monster grabs Luke and brings him up to his
    salivating mouth. At the last moment, Luke wedges the bone in the
    monster's mouth and is dropped to the floor. The monster bellows in
    rage and flails about, hitting the side of the pit, causing an
    avalanche.

    The monster crushes the bone in its jaws and sees Luke, who squeezes
    into a crevice in the pit wall. Luke looks past the monster to the
    holding cave beyond. On the far side of the holding cave is a utility
    door--if only he can get to it. The Rancor spots Luke and reaches into
    the crevice for him. Luke grabs a large rock and raises it, smashing it
    down on the Rancor's finger.

    19 HOLDING TUNNEL - RANCOR PIT

    The Rancor lets out a loud howl as Luke makes a run for the holding
    cave. He reaches the door and pushes a button to open it. When he
    succeeds, he sees a heavy barred gate between him and safety. Beyond
    the gate two guards look up from their dinner. Luke turns to see the
    monster heading for him, and pulls with all his might on the gate. The
    guards move to the gate and start poking at the young Jedi with spears,
    laughing.

    Luke crouches (against the wall) as the monster starts to reach for
    him. Suddenly he notices a main door control panel halfway up the wall.
    As the Rancor moves in for the kill, Luke picks up a skull from the
    cave floor and hurls it at the panel. The giant overhead door comes
    crashing down on the beast's head, squashing it like a sledgehammer on
    an egg.

    A startled gasp is heard from the stunned court. There's consternation
    at this turn of events. Heads look to Jabba, who is actually turning
    red with anger. Leia cannot suppress her joy. Jabba utters harsh
    commands to his guards and they hurry off.

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    Bring me Solo and the Wookiee. They will all suffer for this outrage.

    21 INT RANCOR PIT

    The Rancor KEEPERS have come into the cage and are examining their dead
    beast. One of them breaks down and weeps. The other glares menacingly
    at Luke, who is unworried. Several guards rush into the holding tunnel
    and take Luke away.

    22 INT THRONE ROOM

    The crowd of creepy courtiers parts as Han and Chewie are brought into
    the throne room, and other guards drag Luke up the steps.

    LUKE
    Han!

    HAN
    Luke!

    LUKE
    Are you all right?

    HAN
    Fine. Together again, huh?

    LUKE
    Wouldn't miss it.

    HAN
    How are we doing?

    LUKE
    The same as always.

    HAN
    That bad, huh? Where's Leia?

    Luke looks to Leia.

    LEIA
    I'm here.

    Threepio is standing behind the grotesque gangster as he strokes Leia
    like a pet cat. Several of the guards, including Lando, bring Luke from
    the other side of the room. Boba is standing behind Jabba.

    Threepio steps forward and translates for the captives.

    THREEPIO
    Oh, dear. His High Exaltedness, the great Jabba the Hutt, has decreed
    that you are to be terminated immediately.

    HAN
    Good, I hate long waits.

    THREEPIO
    You will therefore be taken to the Dune Sea and cast into the pit of
    Carkoon, the nesting place of the all-powerful Sarlacc.

    HAN (to Luke)
    Doesn't sound so bad.

    THREEPIO
    In his belly, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering, as
    you are slowly digested over a thousand years.

    HAN
    On second thought, let's pass on that, huh?

    Chewie barks his agreement.

    LUKE
    You should have bargained, Jabba. That's the last mistake you'll ever
    make.

    Jabba cackles evilly at this.

    As the guards drag the prisoners from the throne room, a loud cheer
    rises from the crowd. Leia and Chewie exchange concerned looks, but
    Luke Skywalker, Jedi warrior, cannot suppress a smile.

    23 EXT TATOOINE SEA - SKIFF

    Jabba's huge SAIL BARGE moves above the desert surface accompanied by
    two smaller Skiffs. One of the skiffs glides close, revealing Luke,
    Han, and Chewie -- all in bonds -- surrounded by guards, one of whom is
    Lando in disguise.

    HAN
    I think my eyes are getting better. Instead of a big dark blur, I see a
    big light blur.

    LUKE
    There's nothing to see. I used to live here, you know.

    HAN
    You're gonna die here, you know. Convenient.

    LUKE
    Just stick close to Chewie and Lando. I've taken care of everything.

    HAN
    Oh... great!

    24 INT BARGE OBSERVATION DECK

    Jabba the Hutt rides like a sultan in the massive antigravity ship. His
    entire retinue is with him, drinking, eating, and having a good time.
    Leia is watching her friends in the skiff when the chain attached to
    her neck is pulled tight and Jabba tugs the scantily clad princess to
    him.

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    Soon you will learn to appreciate me.

    Threepio wanders among the Sail Barge aliens, bumping into a smaller
    droid serving drinks, spilling them all over the place. The stubby
    droid lets out an angry series of beeps and whistles.

    THREEPIO
    Oh, I'm terribly sor... Artoo! What are you doing here?

    Artoo beeps a quick reply.

    THREEPIO
    Well, I can see you're serving drinks, but this place is dangerous.
    They're going to execute Master Luke and, if we're not careful, us too!

    Artoo whistles a singsong response.

    THREEPIO
    Hmm. I wish I had your confidence.

    25 EXT SARLACC PIT

    The convoy moves up over a huge sand pit. The Sail Barge stops to one
    side of the depression, as does the escort skiff. But the prisoner's
    skiff moves out directly over the center and hovers. At the bottom of
    the deep cone of sand is a repulsive, mucous-lined hole, surrounded by
    thousands of needle-sharp teeth. This is the SARLACC. A plank is
    extended from the edge of the prisoner's skiff. Guards release Luke's
    bonds and shove him out onto the plank above the Sarlacc's mouth.

    26 EXT SAIL BARGE OBSERVATION DECK

    Jabba and Leia are now by the rail, watching. Threepio leans forward
    and the slobbering villain mumbles something to him. As Threepio steps
    up to a comlink, Jabba raises his arm and the motley array of
    intergalactic pirates fall silent. Threepio's voice is amplified across
    loudspeakers.

    THREEPIO
    Victims of the almighty Sarlacc: His Excellency hopes that you will die
    honorably. But should any of you wish to beg for mercy, the great Jabba
    the Hutt will now listen to your pleas.

    27 EXT SKIFF

    Han steps forward arrogantly and begins to speak.

    HAN
    Threepio, you tell that slimy piece of... worm-ridden filth he'll get
    no such pleasure from us. Right?

    Chewie growls his agreement.

    LUKE
    Jabba! This is your last chance. Free us or die.

    Lando moves unobtrusively along the skiff as Luke shoots a quick look
    of conspiracy to him.

    28 INT SAIL BARGE OBSERVATION DECK

    The assembled monsters rock with mocking laughter as Artoo zips
    unnoticed up the ramp to the upper deck. Jabba's laughter subsides as
    he speaks into the comlink.

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    Move him into position.

    Jabba makes a thumbs-down gesture. Leia looks worried.

    29 EXT BARGE - UPPER DECK

    Artoo appears from below and zips over to the rail facing the pit.
    Below, in the skiff, Luke is prodded by a guard to the edge of the
    plank over the gaping Sarlacc. Luke looks up at Artoo, then gives a
    jaunty salute: the signal the little droid has been waiting for. A flap
    opens in Artoo's domed head.

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    Put him in.

    30 EXT SKIFF - PLANK

    Luke is prodded and jumps off the plank to the cheers of the
    bloodthirsty spectators. But, before anyone can even perceive what is
    happening, he spins around and grabs the end of the plank by his
    fingertips. The plank bends wildly from his weight and catapults him
    skyward. In midair he does a complete flip and drops down on the end of
    the plank in the same spot he just vacated, but facing the skiff. He
    casually extends an open palm and -- his lightsaber, which Artoo has
    sent arcing toward him, drops into his hand.

    With samurai speed, Luke ignites it and attacks the guard who prodded
    him off the plank, sending the hapless monster screaming overboard. The
    other guards swarm toward Luke. He wades into them, lightsaber
    flashing. Lando struggles with another guard at the back of the skiff.

    31 EXT SARLACC PIT

    A bewildered guard lands in the soft, sandy slope of the pit, and
    begins sliding. He claws desperately as a Sarlacc tentacle grabs him
    and pulls him screaming into the viscous mouth.

    32 INT SAIL BARGE

    Jabba watches this and explodes in rage. He barks commands, and the
    guards around him rush off to do his bidding. The scuzzy creatures
    watching the action from the window are in an uproar.

    33 EXT SKIFF

    Luke knocks another guard off the skiff and into the waiting mouth of
    the Sarlacc. He starts to untie Chewie's bonds.

    LUKE
    Easy, Chewie.

    At that moment, the deck gunmen on the barge unleash a series of blasts
    from a big cannon on the upper deck. Lando is tossed from the deck of
    the rocking skiff. He manages to grab a rope, and dangles desperately
    above the Sarlacc pit.

    LANDO
    Whoa! Whoa! Help!

    34 EXT UPPER DECK - SAIL BARGE

    With two swift strides, the dangerous Boba Fett ignites his rocket
    pack, leaps into the air, and flies from the barge down to the skiff.

    35 EXT SKIFF

    Boba lands on the skiff and starts to aim his laser gun at Luke, who
    has freed Han and Chewie from their bonds. But before Boba can fire,
    the young Jedi spins on him, lightsaber sweeping, and hacks the bounty
    hunter's gun in half.

    Immediately, the skiff takes another direct hit from the barge's deck
    gun. Shards of skiff deck fly. Chewie and Han are thrown against the
    rail.

    HAN
    Chewie, you okay? Where is he?

    The Wookiee is wounded and he howls in pain.

    HAN
    I'm okay, pal.

    For a moment, Luke is distracted, and in that moment, Boba fires a
    cable out of his armored sleeve. Instantly, Luke is wrapped in a strong
    cable, his arms pinned against his side, his sword arm free only from
    the wrist down. Luke bends his wrist so the lightsaber points straight
    up to reach the wire lasso and cuts through. Luke shrugs away the cable
    and stands free.

    Another blast from the Barge's deck gun hits near Boba and he is
    knocked unconscious to the deck, next to where Lando is hanging.

    LANDO
    Han! Chewie?

    HAN
    Lando!

    Luke is a little shaken but remains standing as a fusillade brackets
    him. The second skiff, loaded with guards firing their weapons, moves
    in on Luke fast. Luke leaps toward the incoming second skiff. The young
    Jedi leaps into the middle of the second skiff and begins decimating
    the guards from their midst.

    Chewie, wounded, tries to lift himself as he barks directions to Han,
    guiding him toward a spear which has been dropped by one of the guards.
    Han searches the deck as Chewie barks directions; finally he grabs hold
    of the spear.

    Boba Fett, badly shaken, rises from the deck. He looks over at the
    other skiff, where Luke is whipping a mass of guards. Boba raises his
    arm, and aims his lethal appendage.

    Chewie barks desperately at Han.

    HAN
    Boba Fett?! Boba Fett?! Where?

    The space pirate turns around blindly, and the long spear in his hand
    whacks squarely in the middle of Boba's rocket pack.

    The impact of the swing causes the rocket pack to ignite. Boba blasts
    off, flying over the second skiff like a missile, smashing against the
    side of the huge Sail Barge and sliding away into the pit. He screams
    as his armored body makes its last flight past Lando and directly into
    the mucous mouth of the Sarlacc. The Sarlacc burps. Chewie growls a
    weak congratulations to Han.

    36 INT SAIL BARGE

    Leia turns from the spectacle outside, leaps onto Jabba's throne, and
    throws the chain that enslaves her over his head around his bulbous
    neck. Then she dives off the other side of the throne, pulling the
    chain violently in her grasp. Jabba's flaccid neck contracts beneath
    the tightening chain. His huge eyes bulge from their sockets and his
    scum-coated tongue flops out. The Exalted Hutt's huge tail spasms
    through its death throes and then slams down into final stillness. Leia
    struggles to free herself of her bondage.

    37 EXT SKIFF

    Luke continues to destroy the aliens on the guards' skiff, as Han
    extends his spear downward to Lando, who is still dangling precariously
    from a rope on the prisoner's skiff.

    HAN
    Lando, grab it!

    LANDO
    Lower it!

    HAN
    I'm trying!

    A major hit from the barge deck gun knocks the skiff on its side. Han
    and almost everything else on board slides overboard. The rope breaks,
    and Lando falls to the side of the Sarlacc pit. Luckily, Han's foot
    catches on the skiff railing and he dangles above Lando and the pit.
    The wounded Wookiee holds onto the skiff for dear life as another hit
    from the deck gun rocks the skiff violently.

    HAN
    Whoa! Whoa! Grab me, Chewie! I'm slipping.

    Chewie grabs hold of Han's feet, holding him upside down, as Han
    extends the spear toward Lando, who is clutching to the side of the
    pit.

    HAN
    Grab it! L--Lando. Grab!

    Luke finishes off the last guard on the second skiff. He sees the deck
    gun blasting away at his helpless companions. Luke leaps from the
    skiff, across a chasm of air, to the sheer metallic side of the Sail
    Barge. Barely able to get a fingerhold, he begins a painful climb up
    the hull, when suddenly an ax smashes through a window an inch from his
    head. With Jedi agility, Luke grasps the wrist holding the ax and yanks
    the helpless guard through the broken window and into the deadly pit.

    The injured Chewie is reaching over the rail for the dangling Han, who
    is in turn blindly reaching down toward the desperate Lando. The Baron
    has stopped his slippage down the sandy slope of the Sarlacc pit by
    lying very still. Every time he tries to reach for Han, the loose sand
    moves him closer to his final reward.

    HAN
    Grab it! Almost... You almost got it!

    Another blast hits the front of the tilted skiff, causing Lando to let
    go of the spear.

    LANDO
    Hold it! Whoa!

    Again Han extends the spear toward Lando.

    HAN
    Gently now. All... all right. Now easy, easy. Hold me, Chewie.

    Lando screams. One of the Sarlacc's tentacles has wrapped tightly
    around his ankle, dragging him down the side of the pit.

    HAN
    Chewie! Chewie, give me the gun. Don't move, Lando.

    LANDO
    No, wait! I thought you were blind!

    HAN
    It's all right. Trust me. Don't move.

    LANDO
    All right! A little higher! Just a little higher!

    Han adjusts his aim as Lando lowers his head, and the fuzzy-eyed pirate
    fires at the tentacle. Direct hit. The tentacle releases Lando, and
    Chewie starts to pull them on board the skiff.

    HAN
    Chewie, Pull us up! Come on! Okay... up, Chewie, up!

    38 EXT UPPER DECK

    The deck gunners have Chewie and the desperate dangling human chain in
    their gun sights when something up on deck commands their attention:
    Luke, standing before them like a pirate king, ignites his lightsaber.
    The deck gunners have barely reached for their pistols before the young
    Jedi has demolished them. Immediately, Luke turns to see two more
    gunners (who have been uncovering a giant gun at the end of the barge)
    racing for him, firing their laser pistols.

    39 INT SAIL BARGE - OBSERVATION DECK

    Leia is struggling against her chains in desperation as Artoo zips
    through the tumult of confused monsters to the rescue; the stubby
    little droid extends a small laser gun and blasts the chain apart.

    LEIA
    Come on. We gotta get out of here quick.

    Artoo and Leia race for the exit, passing Threepio, who is kicking and
    screaming as Salacious Crumb, the reptilian monkey- monster picks out
    one of the golden droid's eyes.

    THREEPIO
    Not my eyes! Artoo, help! Quickly, Artoo. Oh! Ohhh! You beast!

    Artoo zips over and zaps Salacious, sending him skyward with a scream,
    crashing into the rafters as Artoo, Leia, and Threepio (with his eye
    dangling from a wire) hurry off.

    40 EXT UPPER DECK - SAIL BARGE

    Luke is warding off laser blasts with his lightsaber, surrounded by
    guards and fighting like a demon. Leia emerges onto the deck as Luke
    turns to face another guard.

    LUKE (to Leia)
    Get the gun! Point it at the deck!

    Leia turns toward the barge cannon, climbs on the platform, and swivels
    the gun around.

    LUKE
    Point it at the deck!

    A laser blast hits Luke's mechanical hand and he bends over in pain,
    but manages to swing his lightsaber upward and take out the last of the
    guards. He looks at the wounded hand, which reveals the mechanism. He
    flexes the hand; it still works.

    Near the rail of the upper deck, Artoo and Threepio steady themselves
    as Threepio gets ready to jump. Artoo beeps wildly.

    THREEPIO
    Artoo, where are we going? I couldn't possibly jump.

    Artoo butts the golden droid over the edge and steps off himself,
    tumbling toward the sand.

    Luke runs along the empty deck toward Leia and the barge gun, which she
    has brought around to point down at the deck.

    LUKE
    Come on!

    Luke has hold on one of the rigging ropes from the mast. He gathers
    Leia in his other arm and kicks the trigger of the deck gun. The gun
    explodes into the deck as Luke and Leia swing out toward the skiff.

    41 EXT SKIFF

    Han leans panting against the rail as Chewie helps Lando onto the deck.
    Luke and Leia land on the skiff with flair.

    LUKE
    Let's go! And don't forget the droids.

    LANDO
    We're on our way.

    The Sail Barge is exploding in stages in the distance. Half of the huge
    craft is on fire.

    42 EXT SAND DUNE

    Threepio's legs stick straight up from the dune where he landed. Next
    to it, Artoo's periscope is the only thing above the sand. The skiff
    floats above them and two large electromagnets dangle down on a wire.
    With a loud CLANG, both droids are pulled
    from the sand.

    43 EXT DUNE SEA

    The little skiff skips around the burning Sail Barge, which continues
    its chain of explosions. As the skiff sails off across the desert, the
    barge settles to the sand and disappears in one final conflagration.

    44 EXT DUNE SEA - LANDING AREA

    A ferocious sandstorm blocks our view. Then, through the ROAR, we HEAR
    THE VOICES of our heroes. They emerge slowly from the veil of sand,
    pressing on against the wind. First come Artoo and Threepio, followed
    by Leia guiding Han, then Luke and Lando come into view, each
    supporting one side of the towering Chewbacca, who hobbles from his
    wound.

    Soon, they can make out some large vague shapes in the blowing sand. It
    is the Millennium Falcon and, parked beside it, Luke's trusty X-wing
    and a two-seated Y-wing. They must shout to be heard.

    HAN
    I don't know. All I can see is a lot of blowing sand!

    LEIA
    That's all any of us can see.

    HAN (blinking)
    Then I guess I'm getting better.

    As soon as the group huddles under the bulk of the Falcon, the wind
    dies down to something more describable as a severe weather condition.
    Threepio hits a switch, and the gang-plank lowers with a HUM.

    HAN (turning to Luke)
    I've got to hand it to you, kid, you were pretty good out there.

    LUKE (shrugging it off)
    I had a lot of help. Think nothing of it.

    HAN
    No, I'm thinking a lot about it. That carbon freeze was the closest
    thing to dead there is. And it wasn't just sleepin'. It was a big wide
    awake nothing!

    Luke nods, as Chewie growls affectionately at the young Jedi warrior,
    mussing his hair like a proud uncle. And Leia warmly hugs him.

    LUKE (moving to his ship)
    I'll see you back at the fleet.

    HAN
    Why don't you leave that crate and come with us?

    LUKE
    I have a promise I have to keep first... to an old friend.

    Luke and Artoo take off in their spacecraft.

    HAN
    (looking dubiously at Lando, obviously remembering his friend's
    betrayal and subsequent aide)
    Guess I owe you some thanks, too, Lando.

    LANDO
    Figured if I left you frozen like that you'd just give me bad luck the
    rest of my life, so I might as well get you unfrozen sooner or later.

    LEIA
    He means "You're welcome."

    LANDO
    Come on, let's get off this miserable dust ball.

    44A EXT SPACE ABOVE TATOOINE

    The desolate yellow planet fills the screen, Luke's X-wing appears and
    peels off to the left. A moment later, the FALCON appears as a dot and
    grows huge, to roar directly over the CAMERA.

    45 INT X-WING - COCKPIT

    Luke is at the controls, with Artoo attached behind him outside the
    canopy. Luke speaks into his comlink to the others, in the MILLENNIUM
    FALCON.

    LUKE
    I'll meet you back at the fleet.

    LEIA (over comlink)
    Hurry. The Alliance should be assembled by now.

    LUKE
    I will.

    HAN (over comlink)
    Hey, Luke, thanks. Thanks for comin' after me. Now I owe you one.

    A message from Artoo appears on the small monitor screen in front of
    Luke. He smiles at the monitor and speaks to Artoo, as he pulls a black
    glove on to cover his wounded mechanical hand.

    LUKE
    That's right, Artoo. We're going to the Dagobah system. I have a
    promise to keep... to an old friend.

    46 EXT SPACE - DEATH STAR AND ENDOR

    A Super Star Destroyer and several ships of the Imperial Fleet rest in
    space above the half-completed Death Star and its green neighbor,
    Endor. Four squads of TIE fighters escort an Imperial shuttle toward
    the Death Star.

    47 INT DEATH STAR - CORRIDOR TO DOCKING BAY

    Lord Vader strides down the hallway, accompanied by a very nervous
    Death Star commander.

    48 INT DOCKING BAY - DEATH STAR

    Thousands of Imperial troops in tight formation fill the mammoth
    docking bay. Vader and the officer walk to the landing platform, where
    the shuttle is coming to rest.

    The shuttle's ramp lowers and the Emperor's Royal Guards come out and
    create a lethal perimeter. The assembled troops move to rigid attention
    with a momentous SNAP.

    Then, in the huge SILENCE which follows, the EMPEROR appears. He is a
    rather small, shriveled old man. His bent frame slowly makes its way
    down the ramp with the aid of a gnarled cane. He wears a hooded cloak
    similar to the one Ben wears, except that it is black. The Emperor's
    face is shrouded and difficult to see, except for his piercing yellow
    eyes. Commander Jerjerrod and Darth Vader kneel to him. The Supreme
    Ruler of the galaxy beckons to the Dark Lord.

    EMPEROR (to Vader)
    Rise, my friend.

    Vader rises and falls in next to the Emperor as he slowly makes his way
    along the rows of troops. Jerjerrod and the other commanders stay
    kneeling until the Supreme Ruler and Vader, followed by several
    Imperial dignitaries, pass by; only then do they join in the
    procession.

    VADER
    The Death Star will be completed on schedule.

    EMPEROR
    You have done well, Lord Vader. And now I sense you wish to continue
    your search for young Skywalker.

    VADER
    Yes, my Master.

    EMPEROR
    Patience, my friend. In time he will seek you out. And when he does,
    you must bring him
    before me. He has grown strong. Only together can we turn him to the
    dark side of the
    Force.

    VADER
    As you wish.

    EMPEROR
    Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

    He laughs to himself as they pass along the vast line of Imperial
    troops.

    49 EXT YODA'S HOUSE - DAGOBAH

    Once again, Artoo finds himself waiting around in the damp environs of
    the swamp planet, and he's none too happy about it. He beeps
    disconsolately to himself and turns to look at Yoda's cottage. Warm
    yellow light escapes the oddly shaped windows to fight the gloom.

    50 INT YODA'S HOUSE

    The tip of a walking stick taps hesitantly across the earthen floor of
    the cottage. Our view travels up the stick to the small green hand that
    clutches it, and then to the familiar face of YODA, THE JEDI MASTER.
    His manner is frail, and his voice, though cheerful, seems weaker.

    YODA
    Hmm. That face you make. Look I so old to young eyes?

    Luke is sitting in a corner of the cramped space and, indeed, his look
    has been woeful. Caught, he tries to hide it.

    LUKE
    No... of course not.

    YODA (tickled, chuckles)
    I do, yes, I do! Sick have I become. Old and weak.
    (Points a crooked finger)
    When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not. Hmm?

    Yoda chuckles at this, coughs, and hobbles over toward his bed.

    YODA
    Soon will I rest. Yes, forever sleep. Earned it, I have.

    Yoda sits himself on his bed, with great effort.

    LUKE
    Master Yoda, you can't die.

    YODA
    Strong am I with the Force... but not that strong! Twilight is upon me
    and soon night must fall. That is the way of things... the way of the
    Force.

    LUKE
    But I need your help. I've come back to complete the training.

    YODA
    No more training do you require. Already know you that which you need.

    Yoda sighs, and lies back on his bed.

    LUKE
    Then I am a Jedi?

    YODA (shakes his head)
    Ohhh. Not yet. One thing remains: Vader. You must confront Vader. Then,
    only then, a Jedi will you be. And confront him you will.

    Luke is in agony. He is silent for a long moment, screwing up his
    courage. Finally he is able to ask.

    LUKE
    Master Yoda... is Darth Vader my father?

    Yoda's eyes are full of weariness and compassion. An odd, sad smile
    creases his face. He turns painfully on his side, away from Luke.

    YODA
    Mmm... rest I need. Yes... rest.

    Luke watches him, each moment an eternity.

    LUKE
    Yoda, I must know.

    YODA
    Your father he is.

    Luke reacts as if cut.

    YODA
    Told you, did he?

    LUKE
    Yes.

    A new look of concern crosses Yoda's face. He closes his eyes.

    YODA
    Unexpected this is, and unfortunate...

    LUKE
    Unfortunate that I know the truth?

    Yoda opens his eyes again and studies the youth.

    YODA (gathering all his strength)
    No. Unfortunate that you rushed to face him... that incomplete was your
    training. Not
    ready for the burden were you.

    LUKE
    Well, I'm sorry.

    YODA
    Remember, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware. Anger,
    fear, aggression.
    The dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever
    will it dominate your
    destiny.

    He beckons the young Jedi closer to him.

    YODA
    Luke...Luke...Do not...Do not underestimate the powers of the Emperor,
    or suffer your father's fate, you will. Luke, when gone am I
    (cough),
    the last of the Jedi will you be. Luke, the Force runs strong in your
    family. Pass on what you have learned, Luke...
    (with great effort)
    There is...another...Sky...Sky...walker.

    He catches his breath. A shiver runs through the ancient green
    creature, and he dies. Luke stares at his dead master as he disappears
    in front of his eyes.

    51 EXT DAGOBAH SWAMP - X-WING

    Luke wanders back to where his ship is sitting. Artoo beeps a greeting,
    but is ignored by his depressed master. Luke kneels down, begins to
    help Artoo with the ship, then stops and shakes his head dejectedly.

    LUKE
    I can't do it, Artoo. I can't go on alone.

    BEN (OS)
    Yoda will always be with you.

    Luke looks up to see the shimmering image of BEN KENOBI.

    LUKE
    Obi-Wan! Why didn't you tell me?

    The ghost of Ben Kenobi approaches him through the swamp.

    LUKE
    You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father.

    BEN
    You father was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be
    Anakin Skywalker
    and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your
    father was destroyed. So what I have told you was true... from a
    certain point of view.

    LUKE (turning away, derisive)
    A certain point of view!

    BEN
    Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend
    greatly on our own
    point of view.

    Luke is unresponsive. Ben studies him in silence for a moment.

    BEN
    I don't blame you for being angry. If I was wrong in what I did, it
    certainly wouldn't have been for the first time. You see, what happened
    to your father was my fault.

    Ben pauses sadly.

    BEN
    Anakin was a good friend.

    Luke turns with interest at this. As Ben speaks, Luke settles on a
    stump, mesmerized. Artoo comes over to offer his comforting presence.

    BEN
    When I first knew him, your father was already a great pilot. But I was
    amazed how strongly the Force was with him. I took it upon myself to
    train him as a Jedi. I thought that I could instruct him just as well
    as Yoda. I was wrong. My pride has had terrible consequences for the
    galaxy.

    Luke is entranced.

    LUKE
    There's still good in him.

    BEN
    I also thought he could be turned back to the good side. It couldn't be
    done. He is more machine now than man. Twisted and evil.

    LUKE
    I can't do it, Ben.

    BEN
    You cannot escape your destiny.

    LUKE
    I tried to stop him once. I couldn't do it.

    BEN
    Vader humbled you when first you met him, Luke... but that experience
    was part of your training. It taught you, among other things, the value
    of patience. Had you not been so impatient to defeat Vader then, you
    could have finished your training here with Yoda. You would have been
    prepared.

    LUKE
    But I had to help my friends.

    BEN (grinning at Luke's indignation)
    And did you help them? It was they who had to save you. You achieved
    little by rushing back prematurely, I fear.

    LUKE (with sadness)
    I found out Darth Vader was my father.

    BEN
    To be a Jedi, Luke, you must confront and then go beyond the dark side
    - the side your father couldn't get past. Impatience is the easiest
    door - for you, like your father. Only, your father was seduced by what
    he found on the other side of the door, and you have held firm. You're
    no longer so reckless now, Luke. You are strong and patient. And now,
    you must face Darth Vader again!

    LUKE
    I can't kill my own father.

    BEN
    Then the Emperor has already won. You were our only hope.

    LUKE
    Yoda spoke of another.

    BEN
    The other he spoke of is your twin sister.

    LUKE
    But I have no sister.

    BEN
    Hmm. To protect you both from the Emperor, you were hidden from your
    father when you were born. The Emperor knew, as I did, if Anakin were
    to have any offspring, they would be a threat to him. That is the
    reason why your sister remains safely anonymous.

    LUKE
    Leia! Leia's my sister.

    BEN
    Your insight serves you well. Bury your feelings deep down, Luke. They
    do you credit.
    But they could be made to serve the Emperor.

    Luke looks into the distance, trying to comprehend all this.

    BEN (continuing his narrative)
    When your father left, he didn't know your mother was pregnant. Your
    mother and I knew he would find out eventually, but we wanted to keep
    you both as safe as possible, for as long as possible. So I took you
    to live with my brother Owen on Tatooine... and your mother took Leia
    to live as the daughter of Senator Organa, on Alderaan.

    Luke turns, and settles near Ben to hear the tale.

    BEN (attempting to give solace with his words)
    The Organa household was high-born and politically quite powerful in
    that system. Leia became a princess by virtue of lineage... no one knew
    she'd been adopted, of course. But it was a title without real power,
    since Alderaan had long been a democracy. Even so, the family
    continued to be politically powerful, and Leia, following in her foster
    father's path, became a senator as well. That's not all she became, of
    course... she became the leader of her cell in the Alliance against the
    corrupt Empire. And because she had diplomatic immunity, she was a
    vital link for getting information to the Rebel cause. That's what she
    was doing when her path crossed yours... for her foster parents had
    always told her to contact me on Tatooine, if her troubles became
    desperate.

    Luke is overwhelmed by the truth, and is suddenly protective of his
    sister.

    LUKE
    But you can't let her get involved now, Ben. Vader will destroy her.

    BEN
    She hasn't been trained in the ways of the Jedi the way you have,
    Luke... but the Force is strong with her, as it is with all of your
    family. There is no avoiding the battle. You must face and destroy
    Vader!

    52 EXT SPACE - REBEL FLEET

    The vast Rebel Fleet stretches as far as the eye can see. Overhead a
    dozen small Corellian battleships fly in formation. Fighters and
    battlecruisers surround the largest of the Rebel Star Cruisers, the
    HEADQUARTERS FRIGATE.

    53 INT HEADQUARTERS FRIGATE - MAIN BRIEFING ROOM

    Hundreds of Rebel commanders of all races and forms are assembled in
    the WAR ROOM. WEDGE is among them. In the center of the room is a
    holographic model depicting the half-completed Imperial Death Star, the
    nearby Moon of Endor, and the protecting deflector shield.

    MON MOTHMA, the leader of the Alliance, enters the room. She is a stern
    but beautiful woman in her fifties. Conferring with her are several
    military leaders, including GENERAL MADINE and ADMIRAL ACKBAR (a
    salmon-colored Mon Calamari). Lando moves through the crowd until he
    finds Han and Chewie, standing next to Leia and the two droids.

    Han peers at Lando's new insignia on his chest, and is amused.

    HAN
    Well, look at you, a general, huh?

    LANDO
    Oh, well, someone must have told them about my little maneuver at the
    battle of Taanab.

    HAN (sarcastic)
    Well, don't look at me, pal. I just said you were a fair pilot. I
    didn't know they were
    lookin' for somebody to lead this crazy attack.

    LANDO (smiling)
    I'm surprised they didn't ask you to do it.

    HAN
    Well, who says they didn't. But I ain't crazy. You're the respectable
    one, remember?

    Mon Mothma signals for attention, and the room falls silent.

    MON MOTHMA
    The Emperor has made a critical error and the time for our attack has
    come.

    This causes a stir. Mon Mothma turns to a holographic model of the
    Death Star, the Endor moon and the protecting deflector shield in the
    center of the room.

    MON MOTHMA
    The data brought to us by the Bothan spies pinpoints the exact location
    of the Emperor's new battle station. We also know that the weapon
    systems of this Death Star are not yet operational. With the Imperial
    Fleet spread throughout the galaxy in a vain effort to engage us, it is
    relatively unprotected. But most important of all, we've learned that
    the Emperor himself is personally overseeing the final stages of the
    construction of this Death Star.

    A volley of spirited chatter erupts from the crowd. Han turns to Leia
    as Chewie barks his amazement.

    MON MOTHMA (cont)
    Many Bothans died to bring us this information. Admiral Ackbar, please.

    Admiral Ackbar steps forward and points to the Death Star's force field
    and the Moon of Endor.

    ACKBAR
    You can see here the Death Star orbiting the forest Moon of Endor.
    Although the weapon
    systems on this Death Star are not yet operational, the Death Star does
    have a strong defense mechanism. It is protected by an energy shield,
    which is generated from the nearby forest Moon of Endor. The shield
    must be deactivated if any attack is to be attempted. Once the shield
    is down, our cruisers will create a perimeter, while the fighters fly
    into the superstructure and attempt to knock out the main reactor.

    There's a concerned murmur.

    ACKBAR (cont)
    General Calrissian has volunteered to lead the fighter attack

    Han turns to Lando with a look of respect.

    HAN
    Good luck.

    Lando nods his thanks.

    HAN
    You're gonna need it.

    ACKBAR
    General Madine.

    Madine moves center stage.

    GENERAL MADINE
    We have stolen a small Imperial shuttle. Disguised as a cargo ship, and
    using a secret
    Imperial code, a strike team will land on the moon and deactivate the
    shield generator.

    The assembly begins to mumble among themselves.

    THREEPIO
    Sounds dangerous.

    LEIA (to Han)
    I wonder who they found to pull that off.

    GENERAL MADINE
    General Solo, is your strike team assembled?

    Leia, startled, looks up at Han, surprise changing to admiration.

    HAN
    Uh, my team's ready. I don't have a command crew for the shuttle.

    Chewbacca raises his hairy paw and volunteers. Han looks up at him.

    HAN
    Well, it's gonna be rough, pal. I didn't want to speak for you.

    Chewie waves that off with a huge GROWL.

    HAN (smiles)
    That's one.

    LEIA
    Uh, General... count me in.

    VOICE (OS)
    I'm with you, too!

    They turn in that direction and peer into the crowd as there are more
    cheers. The commanders part, and there at the back stands Luke. Han and
    Leia are surprised and delighted.

    Leia moves to Luke and embraces him warmly. She senses a change in him
    and looks into his eyes questioningly.

    LEIA
    What is it?

    LUKE (hesitant)
    Ask me again sometime.

    Han, Chewie, and Lando crowd around Luke as the assembly breaks up.

    HAN
    Luke.

    LUKE
    Hi, Han... Chewie.

    Artoo beeps a singsong observation to a worried Threepio.

    THREEPIO
    "Exciting" is hardly the word I would use.

    54 INT HEADQUARTERS FRIGATE - MAIN DOCKING BAY

    The Millennium Falcon rests beyond the stolen IMPERIAL SHUTTLE, which
    looks anomalous among all the Rebel ships in the vast docking bay.
    Chewie barks a final farewell to Lando and leads Artoo and Threepio up
    the shuttle, crowded now with the Rebel strike team loading weapons and
    supplies. Lando turns to face Han. Luke and Leia have said their good-
    byes and start up the ramp.

    HAN
    Look. I want you to take her. I mean it. Take her. You need all the
    help you can get. She's
    the fastest ship in the fleet.

    LANDO
    All right, old buddy. You know, I know what she means to you. I'll take
    good care of her.
    She-she won't get a scratch. All right?

    HAN (looks at him warmly)
    Right. I got your promise now. Not a scratch.

    LANDO
    Look, would you get going, you pirate.

    Han and Lando pause, then exchange salutes.

    LANDO
    Good luck.

    HAN
    You, too.

    Han goes up the ramp. Lando watches him go and then slowly turns away.

    55 INT IMPERIAL SHUTTLE - COCKPIT

    Luke is working on a back control panel as Han comes in and takes the
    pilot's seat. Chewie, in the seat next to him, is trying to figure out
    all the Imperial controls.

    HAN
    You got her warmed?

    LUKE
    Yeah, she's comin' up.

    Chewie growls a complaint.

    HAN
    No. I don't think the Empire had Wookiees in mind when they designed
    her, Chewie.

    Leia comes in from the hold and takes her seat near Luke.

    Chewie barks and hits some switches. Han's glance has stuck on
    something out the window: the Millennium Falcon. Leia nudges him
    gently.

    LEIA
    Hey, are you awake?

    HAN
    Yeah, I just got a funny feeling. Like I'm not gonna see her again.

    Chewie, hearing this, stops his activity and looks longingly out at the
    Falcon, too. Leia puts a hand on Han's shoulder.

    LEIA (softly)
    Come on, General, let's move.

    Han snaps back to life.

    HAN
    Right. Chewie, let's see what this piece of junk can do. Ready,
    everybody?

    LUKE
    All set.

    THREEPIO
    Here we go again.

    HAN
    All right, hang on.

    56 EXT SPACE - THE REBEL FLEET

    The stolen Imperial shuttle leaves the main docking bay of the
    Headquarters Frigate, lowers its wings into flight position, and zooms
    off into space.

    57 INT EMPEROR'S THRONE ROOM

    The converted control room is dimly lit, except for a pool of light at
    the far end. There the Emperor sits in an elaborate control chair
    before a large window which looks out across the half-completed Death
    Star to the giant green moon of Endor.

    Darth Vader, standing with other members of the Imperial council,
    cautiously approaches his master. The ruler's back is to Vader. After
    several tense moments, the Emperor's chair rotates around to face him.

    VADER
    What is thy bidding, my Master?

    EMPEROR
    Send the fleet to the far side of Endor. There it will stay until
    called for.

    VADER
    What of the reports of the Rebel fleet massing near Sullust?

    EMPEROR
    It is of no concern. Soon the Rebellion will be crushed and young
    Skywalker will be one of us! Your work here is finished, my friend. Go
    out to the command ship and await my orders.

    VADER
    Yes, my Master.

    Vader bows, then turns and exits the throne room as the Emperor walks
    toward the waiting council members.

    58 EXT SPACE - DEATH STAR - MOON

    There is a great deal of Imperial traffic in the area as construction
    proceeds on the Death Star. Transports, TIE fighters, and a few Star
    Destroyers move about. Now the huge Super Star Destroyer announces
    itself with a low roar and soon fills the frame.

    59 INT STOLEN IMPERIAL SHUTTLE - COCKPIT

    Han looks back at Luke and Leia as Chewie flips several switches.
    Through the viewscreen, the Death Star and the huge Super Star
    Destroyer can be seen.

    HAN
    If they don't go for this, we're gonna have to get outta here pretty
    quick, Chewie.

    Chewie growls his agreement.

    CONTROLLER (over radio)
    We have you on our screen now. Please identify.

    HAN
    Shuttle Tydirium requesting deactivation of the deflector shield.

    CONTROLLER (over radio)
    Shuttle Tydirium, transmit the clearance code for shield passage.

    HAN
    Transmission commencing.

    Leia and Chewbacca listen tensely as the sound of a high speed
    transmission begins.

    LEIA
    Now we find out if that code is worth the price we paid.

    HAN
    It'll work. It'll work.

    Chewie whines nervously. Luke stares at the Huge Super Star Destroyer
    that looms ever larger before them.

    LUKE
    Vader's on that ship.

    HAN
    Now don't get jittery, Luke. There are a lot of command ships. Keep
    your distance though, Chewie, but don't look like you're trying to keep
    your distance.

    Chewie barks a question.

    HAN
    I don't know. Fly casual.

    LUKE
    I'm endangering the mission. I shouldn't have come.

    HAN
    It's your imagination, kid. Come on. Let's keep a little optimism here.

    Chewie barks his worries as the Super Star Destroyer grows larger out
    the window.

    60 INT VADER'S STAR DESTROYER - BRIDGE

    Lord Vader stands, back to us, staring out a window at the Death Star.
    Now, some vibration felt only by him causes him to turn. After a moment
    of stillness, he walks down the row of controllers to where ADMIRAL
    PIETT is leaning over the tracking screen of the controller we've seen
    earlier. Piett straightens at Vader's approach.

    VADER
    Where is that shuttle going?

    PIETT (into comlink)
    Shuttle Tydirium, what is your cargo and destination?

    PILOT VOICE (HAN) (filtered)
    Parts and technical crew for the forest moon.

    The Bridge Commander looks to Vader for a reaction.

    VADER
    Do they have a code clearance?

    PIETT
    It's an older code, sir, but it checks out. I was about to clear them.

    Vader looks upward, as he senses Luke's presence.

    PIETT
    Shall I hold them?

    VADER
    No. Leave them to me. I will deal with them myself.

    PIETT (surprised)
    As you wish, my lord.
    (to controller)
    Carry on.

    Piett nods at controller, who switches on his comlink.

    61 INT STOLEN IMPERIAL SHUTTLE - COCKPIT

    The group waits tensely.

    HAN
    They're not goin' for it, Chewie.

    CONTROLLER (filtered)
    Shuttle Tydirium, deactivation of the shield will commence immediately.
    Follow your
    present course.

    Everyone breaths a sigh of relief. Everyone but Luke, who looks
    worried. Chewie barks.

    HAN
    Okay! I told you it was gonna work. No problem.

    62 EXT SPACE - STOLEN IMPERIAL SHUTTLE - ENDOR

    The stolen Imperial shuttle moves off toward the green Sanctuary Moon.

    63 EXT FOREST LANDING SITE - ENDOR

    The stolen Imperial shuttle sits in a clearing of the moon's dark,
    primeval forest, dwarfed by the ancient towering trees.

    On an adjacent hill, the helmeted Rebel contingent makes its way up a
    steep trail. Leia and Han are slightly ahead of Chewie and Luke. The
    troops of the strike-team squad follow, with Artoo and Threepio
    bringing up the rear. Artoo beeps.

    Up ahead, Chewie and Leia reach a crest in the hill and drop suddenly
    to the ground, signaling the rest of the group to stop. Han and Luke
    crawl up to take a look.

    THREEPIO
    Oh, I told you it was dangerous here.

    THEIR POV. Not far below them, two IMPERIAL SCOUTS are wandering
    through bushes in the valley below. Their two ROCKET BIKES are parked
    nearby.

    LEIA
    Shall we try and go around?

    HAN
    It'll take time. This whole party'll be for nothing if they see us.

    Leia motions for the squad to stay put, then she, Han, Luke and Chewie
    start quietly down.

    64 EXT FOREST CLEARING - CAMPSITE

    The four friends make their way to the edge of the clearing not far
    from the two Imperial scouts.

    HAN
    Chewie and I will take care of this. You stay here.

    LUKE
    Quietly, there might be more of them out there.

    HAN (grins)
    Hey... it's me.

    Han and Chewie turn and start through the bushes toward the scouts.
    Luke and Leia exchange smiles.

    Han sneaks up behind one of the scouts, steps on a twig and the scout
    whirls, knocking Han into a tree. The scout shouts for his companion.

    SCOUT #1
    Go for help! Go!

    The second scout jumps on his speeder bike and takes off, but Chewie
    gets off a shot on his crossbow laser weapon, causing the scout to
    crash into a tree. Han and Scout #1 are in a rousing fistfight.

    LUKE (sarcastic)
    Great. Come on.

    Luke starts for the scuffle, followed by Leia with her laser pistol
    drawn. As they run through the bushes, Leia stops and points to where
    two more scouts are sitting on their speeder bikes, with an unoccupied
    bike parked nearby.

    LEIA
    Over there! Two more of them!

    LUKE
    I see them. Wait, Leia!

    But Leia doesn't hear him and races for the remaining speeder bike. She
    starts it up and takes off as Luke jumps on the bike behind her.

    LUKE (pointing to the controls)
    Quick! Jam their comlink. Center switch!

    Luke and Leia speed into the dense foliage in hot pursuit, barely
    avoiding two huge trees.

    HAN
    Hey, wait! Ahhh!

    He flips the remaining scout to the ground.

    65 EXT FOREST - THE BIKE CHASE

    The two fleeing Imperial scouts have a good lead as Luke and Leia
    pursue through the giant trees at 200 miles an hour, the fire from
    their bike's laser cannon hitting harmlessly near the moving targets.

    LUKE
    Move closer!

    Leia guns it, closing the gap, as the two scouts recklessly veer
    through a narrow gap in the trees. One of the bikes SCRAPES a tree,
    slowing the scout.

    LUKE
    Get alongside that one!

    Leia pulls her speeder bike up so close to the scout's bike that their
    steering vanes SCRAPE noisily. Luke leaps from his bike to the back of
    the scout's, grabs the Imperial warrior around the neck, and flips him
    off the bike, into a thick tree trunk. Luke gains control of the bike
    and follows Leia, who has pulled ahead. They tear off after the
    remaining scout.

    LUKE
    Get him!

    The speeding chase passes TWO MORE IMPERIAL SCOUTS. These two swing
    into pursuit, chasing Luke and Leia, firing away with their laser
    cannon. The two Rebels look behind them just as Luke's bike takes a
    glancing hit.

    LUKE (indicating the one ahead)
    Keep on that one! I'll take these two!

    With Leia shooting ahead, Luke suddenly slams his steering vanes into
    the braking mode. Luke's bike is a blur to the two pursuing scouts as
    they zip by him on either side. Luke slams his bike into forward and
    starts firing away, having switched places with his pursuers in a
    manner of seconds. Luke's aim is good and one scout's bike is blasted
    out of control. It explodes against a tree trunk.

    The scout's cohort takes one glance back at the flash and shifts into
    turbo drive, going even faster. Luke keeps on his tail.

    FAR AHEAD, Leia and the first scout are doing a highspeed slalom
    through the death-dealing trunks. Now Leia aims her bike skyward and
    rises out of sight.

    The scout turns in confusion, unable to see his pursuer. Suddenly, Leia
    dives down upon him from above, cannon blasting. The scout's bike takes
    a glancing hit.

    Leia moves in alongside him. The scout eyes her beside him, reaches
    down, and pulls out a handgun. Before Leia can react, the scout has
    blasted her bike, sending it out of control. Leia dives off as her bike
    explodes against a tree. The happy scout looks back at the explosion.
    But when he turns forward again, he is on a collision course with a
    giant fallen tree. He hits his brakes to no avail and disappears in a
    conflagration.

    ANOTHER PART OF THE FOREST: Luke and the last remaining scout continue
    their weaving chase through the trees. Now Luke moves up close. The
    scout responds by slamming his bike into Luke's. A fallen tree forms a
    bridge across their path. The scout zips under. Luke goes over the top
    and crashes his bike down on the scout's. Both riders look ahead - a
    wide trunk looms directly in Luke's path, but the scout's bike beside
    him makes it almost impossible for him to avoid it. Luke banks with all
    his might, leaning almost horizontal over the scout's bike, and is able
    to make it by, just clipping the tree. When he straightens, he and the
    scout discover that their two bikes have locked front vanes and are
    moving as one.

    Another big tree looms in Luke's path. He reacts instinctively and
    dives off his bike. The two bikes come apart a second before Luke's
    explodes against a tree. The scout sweeps out and circles back to find
    Luke.

    Luke rises from the undergrowth as the scout bears down on him and
    opens fire with his laser cannon. Luke ignites his laser sword and
    begins deflecting the bolts. The scout's bike keeps coming and it
    appears that in a second it will cut Luke in half. At the last instant,
    Luke steps aside and chops off the bike's control vanes with one mighty
    slash. The scout's bike begins to shudder, then, pitching and rolling,
    it rises up to slam directly into a tree in a giant ball of fire.

    66 EXT SCOUT CAMPSITE - FOREST

    Han, Chewie, and the droids, along with the rest of the squad, wait
    anxiously in the clearing. Artoo's radar screen sticks out of his domed
    head and revolves, scanning the forest. He beeps.

    THREEPIO
    Oh, General Solo, somebody's coming. Oh!

    Han, Chewie, and the rest of the squad raise their weapons.

    Luke steps out of the foliage to find the weapons trained on him. He's
    too tired to care. He plops himself down on a boulder and looks around.

    HAN
    Luke! Where's Leia?

    LUKE (concerned)
    What? She didn't come back?

    HAN
    I thought she was with you.

    LUKE
    We got separated.

    Luke and Han exchange a silent, grim look. Luke gets up wearily.

    LUKE
    Hey, we better go look for her.

    Han nods, and signals to a Rebel officer.

    HAN
    Take the squad ahead. We'll meet at the shield generator at 0300.

    LUKE
    Come on, Artoo. We'll need your scanners.

    Luke, Chewie, Han, and the droids move off in one direction as the
    squad proceeds in another.

    THREEPIO
    Don't worry, Master Luke. We know what to do.

    They move off into the woods.

    THREEPIO (to Artoo)
    And you said it was pretty here. Ugh!

    67 EXT FOREST CLEARING - LEIA'S CRASH SITE

    A strange little furry face with huge black eyes comes slowly into
    view. The creature is an EWOK, by the name of WICKET. He seems somewhat
    puzzled, and prods Leia with a spear. The princess groans; this
    frightens the stubby ball of fuzz and he prods her again. Leia sits up
    and stares at the three-foot-high Ewok. She tries to figure out where
    she is and what has happened. Her clothes are torn; she's bruised and
    disheveled.

    The Ewok jumps up and grabs a four-foot-long spear, which he holds in a
    defensive position. Leia watches him as he circles warily and begins
    poking her with the sharp point of the spear.

    LEIA
    Cut it out!

    She stands up, and the Ewok quickly backs away.

    LEIA
    I'm not gonna hurt you.

    Leia looks around at the dense forest, and at the charred remains of
    her speeder bike, then sits down, with a sigh, on a fallen log.

    LEIA
    Well, looks like I'm stuck here. Trouble is, I don't know where here
    is.

    She puts her head in her hands to rub away some of the soreness from
    her fall. She looks over at the watchful little Ewok and pats the log
    beside her.

    LEIA
    Well, maybe you can help me. Come on, sit down.

    Wicket holds his spear up warily and growls at her like a puppy. Leia
    pats the log again.

    LEIA
    I promise I won't hurt you. Now come here.

    More growls and squeaks from the little bear creature.

    LEIA
    All right. You want something to eat?

    She takes a scrap of food out of her pocket and offers it to him.
    Wicket takes a step backward, then cocks his head and moves cautiously
    toward Leia, chattering in his squeaky Ewok language.

    LEIA
    That's right. Come on. Hmmm?

    Sniffing the food curiously, the Ewok comes toward Leia and sits on the
    log beside her. She takes off her helmet, and the little creature jumps
    back, startled again. He runs along the log, pointing his spear at her
    and chattering a blue streak. Leia holds out the helmet to him.

    LEIA
    Look, it's a hat. It's not gonna hurt you. Look. You're a jittery
    little thing, aren't you?

    Reassured, Wicket lowers his spear and climbs back on the log, coming
    to investigate the helmet. Suddenly his ears perk up and he begins to
    sniff the air. He looks around warily, whispering some Ewokese warning
    to Leia.

    LEIA
    What is it?

    Suddenly a laser bolt comes out of the foliage and explodes on the log
    next to Leia. Leia and Wicket both roll backwards off the log, hiding
    behind it. Leia holds her own laser gun ready, while Wicket disappears
    underneath the log. Another shot, and still no sight of anyone in the
    forest. Then Leia senses something and turns to find a large IMPERIAL
    SCOUT standing over her with his weapon pointed at her head. He reaches
    out his hand for her weapon.

    SCOUT #l
    Freeze! Come on, get up!

    She hands the weapon over, as a second scout emerges from the foliage
    in front of the log.

    SCOUT #1
    Go get your ride and take her back to base.

    SCOUT #2
    Yes, sir.

    The second scout starts toward his bike, as Wicket, crouched under the
    log, extends his spear and hits the first scout on the leg. The scout
    jumps and lets out an exclamation, and looks down at Wicket, puzzled.
    Leia grabs a branch and knocks him out. She dives for his laser pistol,
    and the second scout, now on his bike, takes off. Leia fires away and
    hits the escaping bike, causing it to crash into the first scout's
    bike, which flies end over end and explodes. The forest is quiet once
    more. Wicket pokes his fuzzy head up from behind the log and regards
    Leia withÊnew respect. He mumbles his awe. Leia hurries over, looking
    around all the time, and motions the chubby little creature into the
    dense foliage.

    LEIA
    Come on, let's get outta here.

    As they move into the foliage, Wicket takes the lead. He shrieks and
    tugs at Leia to follow him.

    68 INT DEATH STAR - CORRIDOR TO EMPEROR'S TOWER

    Darth Vader walks down the corridor to the Emperor's Tower and private
    elevator. The Emperor's private guard steps in Vader's path.

    GUARD
    Halt! The Emperor does not wish to be disturbed at the moment.

    VADER
    (raising his gloved hand to the two guards and choking them with the
    Force)
    The Emperor will see me, now!

    GUARD
    (repeating Vader's command)
    The Emperor will see you, now.

    69 INT EMPEROR'S TOWER - THRONE ROOM

    Two red Imperial Guards stand watch at the elevator as the door opens
    to reveal Vader. Vader enters the eerie, foreboding throne room. It
    appears to be empty. His footsteps echo as he approaches the throne. He
    waits, absolutely still. The Emperor sits with his back to the Dark
    Lord.

    EMPEROR
    I told you to remain on the command ship.

    VADER
    A small Rebel force has penetrated the shield and landed on Endor.

    EMPEROR (no surprise)
    Yes, I know.

    VADER (after a beat)
    My son is with them.

    EMPEROR (very cool)
    Are you sure?

    VADER
    I have felt him, my Master.

    EMPEROR
    Strange, that I have not. I wonder if your feelings on this matter are
    clear, Lord
    Vader.

    Vader knows what is being asked.

    VADER
    They are clear, my Master.

    EMPEROR
    Then you must go to the Sanctuary Moon and wait for them.

    VADER (skeptical)
    He will come to me?

    EMPEROR
    I have foreseen it. His compassion for you will be his undoing. He will
    come to you and
    then you will bring him before me.

    VADER (bows)
    As you wish.

    The Dark Lord strides out of the throne room.

    70 EXT FOREST CLEARING - LEIA'S CRASH SITE

    Han, Luke, Chewie, and the two droids are spread out as they move
    through the heavy foliage near the clearing where we last saw Leia.
    Luke finds Leia's helmet, picks it up with an expression of concern.

    HAN (OS)
    Luke! Luke!

    Luke runs with the helmet to where Han has found the charred wreckage
    of a speeder bike in the grass.

    THREEPIO
    Oh, Master Luke.

    LUKE
    There's two more wrecked speeders back there. And I found this.

    He tosses the helmet to Han.

    THREEPIO
    I'm afraid that Artoo's sensors can find no trace of Princess Leia.

    HAN (gravely)
    I hope she's alright.

    Chewbacca growls, sniffing the air, then, with a bark, pushes off
    through the foliage.

    HAN
    What, Chewie? What? Chewie!

    The others rush to keep up with the giant Wookiee. As he scoots along,
    Artoo whistles nervously.

    71 EXT FOREST - DENSE FOLIAGE

    The group has reached a break in the undergrowth. Chewie walks up to a
    tall stake planted in the ground. There is a dead animal hanging from
    it.

    HAN
    Hey, I don't get it.

    The rest of the group joins the Wookiee around the stake.

    HAN (cont)
    Nah, it's just a dead animal, Chewie.

    Chewie can't resist. He reaches toward the meat.

    LUKE
    Chewie, wa-wait! Don't!

    Too late. The Wookiee has already pulled the animal from the stake.
    SPROOING! The group finds itself hanging upside down in an Ewok net,
    suspended high above the clearing. Artoo lets out a wild series of
    beeps and whistles, and Chewie howls his regret. Their bodies are a
    jumble in the net. Han removes a Wookiee paw from his mouth.

    HAN
    Nice work. Great, Chewie! Great! Always thinking with your stomach.

    LUKE
    Will you take it easy? Let's just figure out a way to get out of this
    thing.
    (trying to free an arm)
    Han, can you reach my lightsaber?

    HAN
    Yeah, sure.

    Artoo is at the bottommost point in the net. He extends his cutting
    appendage and begins slicing at the net. Han is trying to squeeze an
    arm past Threepio to get at Luke's lightsaber. The net continues to
    spin.

    THREEPIO
    Artoo, I'm not sure that's such a good idea. It's a very long dro-o-
    op!!

    Artoo has cut through and the entire group tumbles out of the net,
    crashing to the ground. As they regain their senses and sit up, they
    realize they are surrounded by dozens of Ewoks, each brandishing a long
    spear.

    HAN
    Wha--? Hey! Point that thing someplace else.

    Han pushes the spear wielded by TEEBO out of his face and a second Ewok
    warrior comes up to argue with Teebo. The spear returns to Han's face.
    He grabs it angrily and starts to go for his laser pistol.

    HAN
    Hey!

    LUKE
    Han, don't. It'll be all right.

    The Ewoks swarm through them and confiscate their weapons. Luke lets
    them take his lightsaber. Chewie growls at the furry critters.

    LUKE
    Chewie, give 'em your crossbow.

    Artoo and Threepio are just untangling themselves. Threepio gets free
    of the net and sits up, rattled.

    THREEPIO
    Oh, my head. Oh, my goodness!

    When the Ewoks see Threepio, they let out a gasp and chatter among
    themselves. Threepio speaks to them in their native tongue. The Ewok
    nearest him drops his spear and prostrates himself before the droid. In
    a moment, all the Ewoks have followed suit. Chewie lets out a puzzled
    bark. Han and Luke regard the bowed creatures in wonder. The Ewoks
    begin to chant at Threepio.

    LUKE
    Do you understand anything they're saying?

    THREEPIO
    Oh, yes, Master Luke! Remember that I am fluent in over six million
    forms of
    communication.

    HAN
    What are you telling them?

    THREEPIO
    Hello, I think... I could be mistaken. They're using a very primitive
    dialect. But
    I do believe they think I am some sort of god.

    Chewbacca and Artoo think that's very funny. Han and Luke exchange
    "what next?" looks.

    HAN
    Well, why don't you use your divine influence and get us out of this?

    THREEPIO
    I beg your pardon, General Solo, but that just wouldn't be proper.

    HAN
    Proper?!

    THREEPIO
    It's against my programming to impersonate a deity.

    Han moves toward Threepio threateningly.

    HAN
    Why, you--

    Several Ewoks' spears are thrust in Han's face at the affront to their
    god. The Ewoks move in to protect their god and Han is surrounded by a
    menacing circle of spears, all aimed at him. He holds up his hands
    placatingly.

    HAN
    My mistake. He's an old friend of mine.

    72 EXT FOREST - SERIES OF SHOTS

    A procession of Ewoks winds through the ever-darkening forest. Their
    prisoners - Han, Luke, Chewie, and Artoo - are tied to long poles and
    wrapped in vines, cocoonlike.

    Each pole is carried on the shoulders of several Ewoks. Behind the
    captives, Threepio is carried on a litter, like a king, by the
    remaining creatures.

    73 EXT FOREST WALKWAY - MOON FOREST

    The procession moves along a shaky, narrow, wooden walkway, high in the
    giant trees. It stops at the end of the walkway, which drops off into
    nothingness. On the other side of the abyss is a village of mud huts
    and rickety walkways, attached to the giant trees. The lead Ewok takes
    hold of a long vine and swings across to the village square; the other
    Ewoks follow suit.

    74 EXT EWOK VILLAGE SQUARE

    The procession winds its way into the village square. Mother Ewoks
    gather their babies up and scurry into their huts at the sight of the
    newcomers. The group stops before the largest hut.

    Han, Luke, Chewie, and Artoo are still bound to their poles. Han is
    placed on a spit above what looks like a barbecue pit and the others
    are leaned against a tree nearby. Threepio's litter/throne is gently
    placed near the pit. He watches with rapt fascination. Han, Luke, and
    Chewie are less than fascinated.

    HAN
    I have a really bad feeling about this.

    Chewie growls his concern.

    Suddenly all activity stops as LOGRAY, the tribal Medicine Man, comes
    out of the big hut. He examines the captives carefully, goes to join
    Threepio, whose throne has been placed on an elevated platform. A
    larger, gray-haired Ewok, CHIEF CHIRPA, is examining Luke's lightsaber
    with great curiosity.

    Logray speaks to Threepio and the assemblage of fuzzy Ewoks, pointing
    to the prisoners tied to the stakes. The Ewoks begin filling the pit
    under Han with firewood.

    HAN
    What did he say?

    THREEPIO
    I'm rather embarrassed, General Solo, but it appears you are to be the
    main course at a
    banquet in my honor.

    The drums start beating, and all the furry heads turn to the large hut.
    Leia emerges, wearing an animal-skin dress. She sees what's happening
    at the same moment the prisoners see her.

    HAN and LUKE
    Leia!

    As she moves toward them, the Ewoks block her way with raised spears.

    LEIA
    Oh!

    THREEPIO
    Your Royal Highness.

    Artoo and Chewie chime in with their welcome. Leia looks at the
    assembled Ewoks and sighs.

    LEIA
    But these are my friends. Threepio, tell them they must be set free.

    Threepio talks to Chirpa and Logray, who listen and shake their heads
    negatively. The Medicine Man gestures toward the prisoners and barks
    some orders. Several Ewoks jump up and pile more wood on the barbecue
    with vigor. Leia trades frantic looks with Luke and Han .

    HAN
    Somehow, I got the feeling that didn't help us very much.

    LUKE
    Threepio, tell them if they don't do as you wish, you'll become angry
    and use your magic.

    THREEPIO
    But Master Luke, what magic? I couldn't possibly --

    LUKE
    Just tell them.

    Threepio speaks to the Ewoks. The Ewoks are disturbed. Logray steps
    forward and challenges Threepio. Luke closes his eyes and begins to
    concentrate.

    THREEPIO
    You see, Master Luke; they didn't believe me. Just...

    Now the litter/throne, with Threepio sitting upon it, rises from the
    ground. At first Threepio doesn't notice and keeps talking.

    THREEPIO
    ... as I said they wouldn't. Wha-wha-what's happening! Oh! Oh, dear!
    Oh!

    The Ewoks fall back in terror from the floating throne. Now Threepio
    begins to spin as though he were on a revolving stool, with Threepio
    calling out in total panic at his situation.

    THREEPIO
    Put me down! He-e-elp! Master Luke! Artoo! Somebody, somebody, help!
    Master Luke, Artoo! Artoo, quickly! Do something, somebody! Oh! Ohhh!

    Chief Chirpa yells orders to the cowering Ewoks. They rush up and
    release the bound prisoners. Luke and Han enfold Leia in a group
    embrace. Luke notices the spinning Threepio, with Artoo beeping up at
    him, and slowly lowers the golden droid and the throne to the ground.
    Logray orders the little droid cut down. Artoo crashes to the ground.
    When the Ewoks set him upright, the little droid is fighting mad. Artoo
    beeps a blue streak at the nearest Ewok, and begins pursuing him,
    finally getting close enough to zap him with an electric charge. The
    Ewok jumps two feet in the air and runs away, screaming. A small group
    of Ewoks surround the giant Wookiee, scratching their heads and
    marveling at his height.

    THREEPIO
    Oh, oh, oh, oh! Thank goodness.

    LUKE
    Thanks, Threepio.

    THREEPIO (still shaken)
    I...I never knew I had it in me.

    75 INT CHIEF'S HUT - COUNCIL OF ELDERS

    A glowing fire dances in the center of the spartan, low-ceilinged room,
    creating a kaleidoscope of shadows on the walls. Along one side, a
    group of ten Ewok elders flank Chief Chirpa, who sits on his throne.
    The Rebels sit along the walls of the hut, with Threepio between the
    two groups and Wicket and Teebo off to one side.

    Threepio is in the midst of a long, animated speech in the Ewok's
    squeaky native tongue. The Ewoks listen carefully and occasionally
    murmur comments to each other. Threepio points several times at the
    Rebel group and pantomimes a short history of the Galactic Civil War,
    mimicking the explosion and rocket sounds, imitating Imperial walkers.
    Throughout the long account, certain familiar names are distinguishable
    in English: Princess Leia, Artoo, Darth Vader, Death Star, Jedi, Obi-
    Wan Kenobi. Artoo begins beeping excitedly at Threepio.

    THREEPIO
    Yes, Artoo. I was just coming to that.

    Threepio continues with: Millennium Falcon, Cloud City, Vader, Han
    Solo, carbonite, Sarlacc, bringing the history up to the present time.

    At the end of it, the Chief, Logray, and the elders confer, then nod in
    agreement. The Chief stands and makes a pronouncement.

    The drums begin to sound, and all the Ewoks stand with a great cheer
    and screeches.

    HAN
    What's going on?

    LEIA
    I don't know.

    Luke has been sharing the joy with smiling visage, but now something
    passes like a dark cloud through his consciousness. The others do not
    notice.

    THREEPIO
    Wonderful! We are now a part of the tribe.

    Several of the little teddy bears run up and hug the Rebels.

    HAN
    Just what I always wanted.

    Chewbacca is being enthusiastically embraced by an Ewok, while Wicket
    clings to Han's leg.

    HAN (chuckles)
    Well, short help is better than no help at all, Chewie.
    (to Wicket)
    Thank you. Okay.

    THREEPIO
    He says the scouts are going to show us the quickest way to the shield
    generator.

    Chewie barks. Luke has drifted to the back of the hut. Now he wanders
    outside into the moonlight. Leia notices and follows.

    HAN
    Good. How far is it? Ask him. We need some fresh supplies, too. And try
    and get our weapons back.

    Han pulls Threepio back as he keeps trying to translate.

    HAN (cont)
    And hurry up, will ya? I haven't got all day.

    76 EXT EWOK VILLAGE - NIGHT

    The walkway is deserted now. The windows of the little huts glow and
    flicker from the fires inside. The sounds of the forest fill the soft
    night air. Luke has wandered away from the Chief's hut and stands
    staring up at the Death Star. Leia finds him like that.

    LEIA
    Luke, what's wrong?

    Luke turns and looks at her a long moment.

    LUKE
    Leia... do you remember your mother? Your real mother?

    LEIA
    Just a little bit. She died when I was very young.

    LUKE
    What do you remember?

    LEIA
    Just...images, really. Feelings.

    LUKE
    Tell me.

    LEIA
    (a little surprised at his insistence)
    She was very beautiful. Kind, but...sad.
    (looks up)
    Why are you asking me all this?

    He looks away.

    LUKE
    I have no memory of my mother. I never knew her.

    LEIA
    Luke, tell me. What's troubling you?

    LUKE
    Vader is here...now, on this moon.

    LEIA (alarmed)
    How do you know?

    LUKE
    I felt his presence. He's come for me. He can feel when I'm near.
    That's why I have to go.
    (facing her)
    As long as I stay, I'm endangering the group and our mission here.
    (beat)
    I have to face him.

    Leia is distraught, confused.

    LEIA
    Why?

    Luke moves close and his manner is gentle. And very calm.

    LUKE
    He's my father.

    LEIA
    Your father?

    LUKE
    There's more. It won't be easy for you to hear it, but you must. If I
    don't make it back, you're the only hope for the Alliance.

    Leia is very disturbed by this. She moves away, as if to deny it.

    LEIA
    Luke, don't talk that way. You have a power I--I don't understand and
    could never have.

    LUKE
    You're wrong, Leia. You have that power too. In time you'll learn to
    use it as I have. The Force is strong in my family. My father has
    it...I have it...and...my sister has it.

    Leia stares into his eyes. What she sees there frightens her. But she
    doesn't draw away. She begins to understand.

    LUKE
    Yes. It's you Leia.

    LEIA
    I know. Somehow...I've always known.

    LUKE
    Then you know why I have to face him.

    LEIA
    No! Luke, run away, far away. If he can feel your presence, then leave
    this place. I wish I could go with you.

    LUKE
    No, you don't. You've always been strong.

    LEIA
    But, why must you confront him?

    LUKE
    Because...there is good in him. I've felt it. He won't turn me over to
    the Emperor. I can save him. I can turn him back to the good side. I
    have to try.

    They hold each other close and look at each other, brother and sister.

    Leia holds back her tears as Luke slowly lets her go and moves away. He
    disappears onto the walkway that leads out of the village. Leia, bathed
    in moonlight, watches him go as Han comes out of the Chief's hut and
    comes over to her. Leia is crying, her body trembling. He realizes only
    now that she is crying.

    HAN
    Hey, what's goin' on?

    Leia attempts to stifle her sobs and wipes her eyes.

    LEIA
    Nothing. I - just want to be alone for a little while.

    HAN (angry)
    Nothing? Come on, tell me. What's goin' on?

    She looks up at him, struggling to control herself.

    LEIA
    I...I can't tell you.

    HAN (loses his temper)
    Did you tell Luke? Is that who you could tell?

    LEIA
    I...

    HAN
    Ahhh...

    He starts to walk away, exasperated, then stops and walks back to her.

    HAN
    I'm sorry.

    LEIA
    Hold me.

    Han gathers her tightly in his protective embrace.

    77 EXT FOREST - IMPERIAL LANDING PLATFORM

    An Imperial shuttle floats down from the Death Star and lands
    gracefully on the huge platform.

    Now, an Imperial walker approaches the platform from the darkness of
    the forest. The whole outpost - platform, walkers, military - looks
    particularly offensive in the midst of this verdant beauty.

    78 EXT IMPERIAL LANDING PLATFORM - LOWER DECK

    Darth Vader walks down the ramp of the shuttle onto the platform, into
    an elevator, and appears on a ramp on a lower level. He walks toward
    another ramp exit and is met by two troopers and a commander with Luke,
    in binders, at their center. The young Jedi gazes at Vader with
    complete calm.

    COMMANDER
    This is a Rebel that surrendered to us. Although he denies it, I
    believe there may be more of them, and I request permission to conduct
    a further search of the area.

    The commander extends his hand, revealing Luke's lightsaber.

    COMMANDER
    He was armed only with this.

    Vader looks at Luke, turns away and faces the commander, taking the
    lightsaber from the commander's hand.

    VADER
    Good work, Commander. Leave us. Conduct your search and bring his
    companions to me.

    COMMANDER
    Yes, my Lord.

    The officer and troops withdraw. Vader and Luke are left standing alone
    in the oddly tranquil beauty of the place. The sounds of the forest
    filter in upon them.

    VADER
    The Emperor has been expecting you.

    LUKE
    I know, father.

    VADER
    So, you have accepted the truth.

    LURE
    I've accepted the truth that you were once Anakin Skywalker, my father.

    VADER (turning to face him)
    That name no longer has any meaning for me.

  11. #1676
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    these long text....

  12. #1677
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    The Matrix (1999)
    Agent Smith: You're empty.
    Neo: So are you.

    Agent Smith: We're willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start. All that we're asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice.
    Neo: Yeah. Well, that sounds like a pretty good deal. But I think I may have a better one. How about, I give you the finger
    [He does]
    Neo: and you give me my phone call.

    Agent Smith: I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species and I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague and we are the cure.

    Agent Smith: You hear that Mr. Anderson?... That is the sound of inevitability... It is the sound of your death... Goodbye, Mr. Anderson...
    Neo: My name... is Neo.

    Agent Smith: Never send a human to do a machine's job.

    Agent Smith: Never send a human to do a machine's job.
    Agent Brown: If, indeed, the insider has failed, they'll sever the connection as soon as possible. Unless...
    Agent Jones: ...they're dead. In either case...
    Agent Smith: ...we have no choice but to continue as planned. Deploy the sentinels. Immediately.

    Neo: Yeah. That sounds like a really good deal. But I got a better one. How about... I give you the finger... and you give me my phone call?
    Agent Smith: Mr. Anderson... you disappoint me.
    Neo: You can't scare me with this Gestapo crap. I know my rights. I want my phone call.
    Agent Smith: Tell me, Mr. Anderson... what good is a phone call... if you're unable to speak?

    Agent Smith: It seems that you've been living two lives. One life, you're Thomas A. Anderson, program writer for a respectable software company. You have a social security number, pay your taxes, and you... help your landlady carry out her garbage. The other life is lived in computers, where you go by the hacker alias "Neo" and are guilty of virtually every computer crime we have a law for. One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not.

    Lieutenant: I think we can handle one little girl. I sent two units, they're bringing her down now.
    Agent Smith: No lieutenant, your men are already dead.

    Agent Smith: Tell me, Mr. Anderson, what good is a phone call when you are unable to speak?

    Agent Smith: I hate this place. This zoo. This prison. This reality, whatever you want to call it, I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink and every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by it.

    Agent Smith: Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world. But I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through suffering and misery. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from. Which is why the Matrix was redesigned to this: the peak of your civilization.

    Agent Brown: She got out.
    Agent Smith: Doesn't matter.
    Agent Brown: The informant is real.
    Agent Smith: Yes.
    Agent Jones: We have the name of their next target.
    Agent Brown: The name is Neo.
    Agent Smith: We'll need a search running.
    Agent Jones: It has already begun.

    Agent Smith: The great Morpheus. We meet at last.
    Morpheus: And you are?
    Agent Smith: A Smith. Agent Smith.
    Morpheus: You all look the same to me.

    Agent Smith: I'm going to enjoy watching you die, Mr. Anderson.

    Agent Smith: As you can see, we've had our eye on you for some time now, Mr. Anderson.

    Agent Smith: Dammit.
    Agent Brown: The trace was completed.
    Agent Jones: We have their position.
    Agent Brown: Sentinels are standing by.
    Agent Jones: Order the strike.
    Agent Smith: They are not out yet.

    Agent Smith: Find them and destroy them

    [Agent Smith has shot Neo with several bullets]
    Agent Smith: Check him.
    [Agent Brown feels Neo's pulse]
    Agent Brown: He's gone.
    Agent Smith: Good bye, Mr Anderson.

    Agent Smith: Lieutenant, you were given specific orders.
    Lieutenant: I'm just doing my job. You give me that "juris-my-dick-tion" crap... you can cram it up your ass.

    The Matrix Revolutions (2003)
    Neo: What do you want?
    Bane: I want what you want... Yes. That's it, Mr. Anderson. Look past the flesh. Look through the soft gelatin of these dull cow eyes and see your enemy!
    Neo: ...No.
    Bane: Oh yes, Mr. Anderson.
    Neo: It can't be...
    Bane: There's nowhere I can't go. There's nowhere I won't find you.
    Neo: It's impossible...!
    Bane: Not impossible. Inevitable. Goodbye, Mr. Anderson.

    Neo: Who are you?
    Bane: Still don't recognize me? I admit it is difficult to even think encased in this rotting piece of meat. The stink of it filling every breath, a suffocating cloud you can't escape. Disgusting. How pathetically fragile it is. Nothing this weak is meant to survive.

    Bane: There is nowhere I can't go, there is nowhere I won't find you.

    Bane: What's that for?
    Maggie: To help you relax. To make it easier for you to remember.
    Bane: What if I don't want to remember?
    Maggie: Why would you want that?
    Bane: What if I blew that EMP? What if I did destroy those ships and I am responsible for the deaths of all those men? If I did that, it wouldn't be very safe for me here, would it?
    [Bane stabs her]
    Bane: Of course, it might not be very safe for you, either.

    [Bane is pointing a laser gun at Neo]
    Bane: Somehow familiar, isn't it? We've been here before, you and I. Do you remember? I do. I think of nothing else.

    Bane: Ah, Mr. Anderson, I see you are as predictable in this world as you are in the other.
    Neo: What?
    Trinity: He's out of his mind.
    Bane: It may appear that way to you, but Mr. Anderson and I know that appearances can be deceiving.

    Trinity: Do it, Neo.
    Bane/Agent Smith: Yes, Shoot. Kill us. Fry us. Burn us alive.

    [Bane/Smith has burned Neo's eyes out]
    Bane: I wish you could see yourself Mr. Anderson... Blind messiah. You're a symbol for your kind, Mr. Anderson.

    Agent Smith: Mr. Anderson. Welcome back, we missed you.
    [Agent Smith pauses and looks around at the multitude of clones he has created]
    Agent Smith: Like what I've done with the place?
    Neo: It ends tonight.
    Agent Smith: I know it does, I've seen it. That's why the rest of me is just going to enjoy the show because we already know that I'm the one that beats you.

    Sati: [frightened] He's following us...
    Agent Smith: [opens door] Well, well, it's been a long time.
    [to Seraph]
    Agent Smith: I remember chasing you is like chasing a ghost.
    Seraph: I have beaten you before.
    Agent Smith: Yes, but as you can see, things are a little different now.
    [Smith clones begin to file in. The Smith who has been speaking squats down in front of Sati and speaks to her]
    Agent Smith: And you must be the last Exile.
    Sati: The Oracle told me about you.
    Agent Smith: Oh, really?
    [chuckles]
    Agent Smith: What did she say about me?
    Sati: That you are a bad man.
    Agent Smith: Oh, I'm not so bad... once you get to know me...
    [more Smiths file in]

    Agent Smith: Why, Mr. Anderson? Why, why? Why do you do it? Why, why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting... for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. Temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although... only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?
    Neo: Because I choose to.

    Agent Smith: Can you feel it Mr. Anderson? Closing in on you? Oh I can, I really should thank you after all. It was, after all, it was your life that taught me the purpose of all life. The purpose of life is to end.

    Agent Smith: This is my world! My world!

    Agent Smith: Get away from me!
    Neo: What are you afraid of?
    Agent Smith: It's a trick.
    Neo: You were right Smith. You're always right. It was inevitable.

    Oracle: The great and powerful Oracle. We meet at last. I suppose you've been expecting me, right? The all-knowing Oracle is never surprised. How can she be, she knows everything. But If that's true, then why is she here? If she knew I was coming, why didn't she leave?
    [sweeps plate of cookies off table]
    Agent Smith: Maybe you knew I was going to do that, maybe you didn't. If you did, that means you baked those cookies and set that plate right there deliberately, purposefully. Which means you're sitting there also deliberately, purposefully.
    Oracle: What did you do with Sati?
    Agent Smith/Sati: Cookies need love like everything does.
    Oracle: You are a bastard, you know that?
    Agent Smith/Seraph: You would know, Mom.

    Agent Smith: [as he and his clones are about to explode] Oh, no no no no... no, it's not fair!

    Agent Smith: Wait. I've seen this. I stand here, right here, and I'm supposed to say something. I say, "Everything that has a beginning has an end, Neo."
    [pause]
    Agent Smith: What? What did I just say?

    The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
    Bane: Oh God.
    Agent Smith: Smith will suffice.

    Bane: Captain, I think we should volunteer.
    Ballard: Shut your hole, Bane, before I put you in one.

    Agent Thompson: You.
    Agent Smith: Yes, me.
    [turns Thompson into another Smith]
    Agent Smith: Me... me... me...
    Agent Smith Clone: Me too.

    Agent Smith: The best thing about being me... There are so many "me"s.
    [All the doors open, lots of Smith clones step out]

    Agent Smith: I killed you, Mr. Anderson. I watched you die... with a certain satisfaction, I might add. Then something happened. something that I knew was impossible, but it happened anyway. You destroyed me, Mr. Anderson. After that, I understood the rules, I knew what I was supposed to do, but I didn't. I couldn't. I was compelled to stay, compelled to disobey. And now, here I stand because of you, Mr. Anderson. Because of you, I'm no longer an Agent of this system. Because of you, I've changed. I'm unplugged. A new man, so to speak. Like you, apparently, free.
    Neo: Congratulations.
    Agent Smith: Thank you.

    Agent Smith: [to Neo] Still using all the muscles except the one that matters?

    [to Morpheus]
    Agent Smith: If you can't beat us...
    Agent Smith Clone: ...join us.

    Agent Smith: But, as you well know, appearances can be deceiving, which brings me back to the reason why we're here. We're not here because we're free. We're here because we're not free. There is no escaping reason; no denying purpose. Because as we both know, without purpose, we would not exist.
    [Several Agent Smith Clones walk in]
    Agent Smith Clone 1: It is purpose that created us.
    Agent Smith Clone 2: Purpose that connects us.
    Agent Smith Clone 3: Purpose that pulls us.
    Agent Smith Clone 4: That guides us.
    Agent Smith Clone 5: That drives us.
    Agent Smith Clone 6: It is purpose that defines us.
    Agent Smith Clone 7: Purpose that binds us.
    Agent Smith: We are here because of you, Mr Anderson. We're here to take from you what you tried to take from us.
    [Attempts to copy himself into Neo]
    Agent Smith: Purpose.

    Agent Smith: I'm looking for Neo.
    Corrupt: Never heard of him.
    Agent Smith: I have something for him, a gift. You see, he set me free...
    [Hands over a small envelope through slit in door]
    Corrupt: Fine, whatever. Now, piss off.

    Agent Smith: I want everything.
    Morpheus: Would that include a bullet from this gun?

    Agent Smith: Mr. Anderson, welcome back. Surprised to see me?
    Neo: No.
    Agent Smith: Then you're aware of it?
    Neo: Of what?
    Agent Smith: Our connection.

    Agent Smith: You look surprised to see me, again, Mr. Anderson. That's the difference between us. I've been *expecting* you.

    Agent Smith: Mister Anderson, you look surprised to see me, again.

    [after Neo has just defeated three Agents]
    Agent Smith: That went as expected...
    Agent Smith Clone: Yes.
    Agent Smith: It's all happening exactly as before...
    Agent Smith Clone: Well, not exactly...
    [Agent Smith Clone smiles]

    Agent Smith: [echoing] It is inevitable.

    Enter the Matrix (2003) (VG)
    Niobe: Who are you?
    Agent Smith: Me? I guess you could say, that I am the Alpha...
    Agent Smith Clone#1: ...Of your Omega.
    Agent Smith Clone#2: I am the Beginning...
    Agent Smith Clone#3: ...Of your End.

    Agent Smith: Damn, not who I was hoping for.
     

  13. #1678
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    Seriously?! im fkin tired of these long text.... stawp


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    4 Days Ago #1666
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    4 Days Ago #1668
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    I'm super happy! this site just gave me a iTunes Card Code and it was legit! If you want one here: http://linkbitty.com/freeitunes2014
    Read more at http://freeitunesforever.com/#olgiomG6UZ2kAISY.99
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    4 Days Ago #1669
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gamerdog6482 View Post


    FOR THE LAST TIME
    POSTS IN THE SPAM CORNER DO NOT INCREASE YOUR POST COUNT for obvious reasons.

    Your fun gifs are so woman degrading.
    ...

    Spammers, ey? Well, I'm just going to fuck this up.

    So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

    He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

    He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
    and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.

    He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
    how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
    he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
    later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
    him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
    in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
    direction he thinks is right.

    He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
    been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
    whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

    He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

    By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
    town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

    As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
    he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

    Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
    up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

    He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.

    He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.

    He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
    his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
    find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

    Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.

    Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.

    As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

    He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
    any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
    rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
    swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
    and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
    another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
    He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
    make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

    He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
    it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
    sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

    He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
    dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
    Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.

    After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
    stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.

    After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
    knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
    donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
    enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
    he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
    trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

    He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

    He walks through the sand.

    After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
    remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
    doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

    But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
    that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
    there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

    Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
    time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
    just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

    While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
    gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
    the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
    in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
    rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
    shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.

    He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
    he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
    is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
    sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
    dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.

    Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
    fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
    cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
    here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

    He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
    After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

    He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
    energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
    he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
    in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

    So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
    to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
    have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
    of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
    have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
    chance.

    He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
    dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
    his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
    keeps crawling.

    Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
    where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
    area.

    His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
    stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
    overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
    down on the nice cool surface.

    Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
    probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
    dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
    beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
    a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

    He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
    in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
    center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

    It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
    hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
    not look well. Do you hear me?"

    He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
    knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
    different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
    seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
    tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
    and tries again. Better this time.

    Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
    of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
    pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
    out of the stone, at an angle.

    And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
    seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
    desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

    He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
    run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
    final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
    move from this spot.

    Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
    dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
    little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
    it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
    moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

    Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
    that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

    He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
    because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
    likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
    now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
    actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
    post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
    they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
    was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

    He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
    that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
    to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
    bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
    almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
    good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
    out.

    He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
    and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
    swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
    now.

    He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
    spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

    He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

    He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
    to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
    speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
    to try asking for help.

    "Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
    thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

    Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
    coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
    mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
    falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

    A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
    up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
    disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
    sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
    around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

    He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
    He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
    again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
    they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
    bitten. By the snake.

    "It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
    hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
    importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

    "Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
    afterlife?"

    "Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
    work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

    "You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
    drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
    thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
    the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
    Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

    "No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
    didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
    bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
    sitting around here."

    The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
    desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
    snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
    great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
    longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
    hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
    stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
    dying of thirst.

    "I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
    system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
    drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
    in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
    two, if you drank enough of it."

    "Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
    shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

    "That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
    get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
    own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

    "But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
    second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
    responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

    "By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
    Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
    used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
    for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
    names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
    if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
    somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

    "Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
    Samson.

    "Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
    poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
    What do you mean by that's how you work?"

    "That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
    all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
    wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
    to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
    be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
    it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
    all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
    get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
    You've been changed.

    "For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
    effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
    In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
    Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
    amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

    "As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
    could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
    talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
    to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
    you."

    "Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
    have to kill me?"

    "I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

    "Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
    talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
    nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
    stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
    you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
    fluid, and just denature it?"

    "They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
    while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
    on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
    pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
    that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

    "Yeah, they do," said Jack.

    "I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
    fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
    this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
    decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
    write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
    lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
    course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
    guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
    anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

    Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
    little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
    that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

    Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
    second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

    "Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
    ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

    "Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
    to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
    before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
    omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
    and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
    sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
    omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
    useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
    staring at him.

    "Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
    good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
    immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
    time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
    recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
    request to me."

    "Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
    long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
    about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
    really a change to me?"

    "Right," nodded Nate.

    "Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

    "That takes two requests, Jack."

    "Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
    become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

    "Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
    necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
    very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
    You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
    truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
    all depends on what you decide to do with it."

    "Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
    after this one?"

    "Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
    rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
    request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
    shoulders.

    "Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
    health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
    Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

    "No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
    whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
    that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

    Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
    didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
    about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
    snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
    be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
    tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
    wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

    "Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
    him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

    Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
    nowhere? And did they bring food?

    Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

    Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
    his jeans...

    Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
    decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
    hoodwink me like that."

    "I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
    humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
    especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
    minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
    health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

    "Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
    likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
    something instead?"

    "More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
    accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

    "Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
    to hear," answered Jack.

    "Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
    just start talking?"

    "Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

    "We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
    answered Nate.

    "Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
    "What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
    whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
    excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

    "I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
    it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
    that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

    "Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
    longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
    is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
    No thanks. Just talk."

    "Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
    looking at me as food.

    Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
    "You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

    Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
    sceptically.

    "Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
    and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
    stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

    Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
    representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
    was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
    left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
    looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
    embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

    Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
    setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
    sky.

    Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
    night out here! Arrrgh!

    Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
    stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
    Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
    have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
    desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

    "It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
    this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
    the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
    the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
    able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
    out early tomorrow, Jack."

    Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
    then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
    out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
    stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

    "Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
    figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
    'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
    could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
    across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

    "Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

    "No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
    count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
    do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
    of years, at least."

    "So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

    "Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
    kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
    could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
    requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

    "Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
    of the stone there?" asked Jack.

    "Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
    bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
    if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
    one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
    something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
    been here ever since.

    "What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

    "Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
    coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
    the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
    enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
    over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
    Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
    Nate was suddenly there in the way.

    "You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

    "Why not?" asked Jack.

    "I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

    "Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
    that way, and it would move in the slot."

    "Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

    "What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

    "Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
    'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
    voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
    grinned.

    Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
    Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
    really do?"

    "Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
    the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

    Nate continued to grin.

    "A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
    would anyone need to end humanity?"

    "Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
    Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
    bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
    the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
    didn't think to ask back when I started here."

    "Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

    "The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
    unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
    can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

    Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
    You'd let me end humanity?"

    "Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
    you want to, Jack?"

    "Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
    the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
    that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
    wouldn't it?"

    "Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

    "Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
    to secrecy, that is?"

    "Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
    another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
    think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
    disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
    But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

    Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
    the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
    humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

    "That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

    "What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
    decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
    bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

    "Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
    up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
    to know."

    "But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
    horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
    protested Jack.

    Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
    try your best, Jack."

    Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
    getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

    Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
    one bound to this before me?"

    "Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
    read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
    in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
    ago."

    "Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
    first told him. What did he do?"

    "Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
    then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

    "What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

    "He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

    "Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

    "I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
    you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
    that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
    and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
    again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

    "Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

    Nate watched him, waiting.

    "Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
    his third request?"

    Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
    "Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

    "Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
    to me.

    Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"

    "Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
    him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
    shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

    "He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
    Like he had a lot to think about."

    "Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
    face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

    Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
    Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

    "You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
    it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

    "Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
    tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

    "And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
    turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

    "Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
    straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
    With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
    in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

    Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
    now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

    Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
    extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
    the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
    recently bitten.

    Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
    bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
    his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
    was still awake.

    Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he
    thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

    "Nate, do accidents count?"

    Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

    Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
    accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
    that still wipe out humanity?"

    "Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
    if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

    A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

    "That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

    "No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
    the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a
    rock?"

    "Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
    you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
    control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by
    the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that
    in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they
    wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
    whatever had disappeared."

    "Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
    off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

    "Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
    right?" asked Jack.

    "Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

    "Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
    Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

    "He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat
    sad.

    Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

    Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
    society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
    questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
    faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and
    he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
    liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

    "His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
    stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
    time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he
    told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

    "And then he just died?" asked Jack.

    Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only
    one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

    After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his
    time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always
    had.

    After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
    with the sunrise."

    Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
    memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

    Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
    the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
    that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

    So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
    get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
    walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
    it back easily.

    Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
    little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
    and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
    a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
    They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
    incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's
    lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

    Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
    book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to
    avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see
    Nate.

    Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
    backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
    started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
    knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
    and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

    Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
    Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
    others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
    and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
    that he had things to do first.

    Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
    a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
    special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
    special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
    rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
    its location to the satellite.

    After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
    fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

    After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he
    'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
    working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
    any more. Jack went back to school.

    Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
    because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
    and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
    traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

    But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

    On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
    a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
    Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
    Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this
    visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at
    Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's
    silence, sat down and waited.

    After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

    Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

    "No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
    Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

    Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
    dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

    "Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.

    "Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I
    assume?"

    Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
    for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
    edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
    about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
    other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to
    have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.

    "He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
    that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

    Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
    joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can
    do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was
    something more.

    Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
    "Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
    ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

    Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my
    first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
    know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
    anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
    needed a replacement."

    Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
    and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

    Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
    already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
    here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

    Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about
    this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would
    be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
    hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
    Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
    was, "What do you want me to do?"

    Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
    the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
    and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

    "I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
    old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
    I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
    able to die. And I need you to kill me.

    "I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
    I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so
    that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

    Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
    say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
    or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of
    going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work,
    even on me.

    "You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

    "Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

    Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
    Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."

    Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
    back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
    headed into the desert with Sammy following.
    Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through
    e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting
    every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a
    natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up
    acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to
    keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were
    nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a
    few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle
    them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few
    wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
    newspapers or the public in general.

    When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
    undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
    drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
    stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
    Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
    could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

    So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
    Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
    his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
    Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
    getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
    much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
    definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to
    head back and see Nate.

    When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
    and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
    Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

    When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
    years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
    walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to
    figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either
    have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

    As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
    resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
    only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
    afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
    drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

    Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
    sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out
    into the desert.

    Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
    nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds,
    revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
    the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed
    up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd
    decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing
    traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
    keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the
    other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
    laughing at Jack's driving.

    As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
    that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
    waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV
    started slipping down the other side.

    Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped
    the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and
    faster.

    Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
    heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
    it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end
    humanity.

    Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
    working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
    Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
    lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
    the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer
    away.

    Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
    little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
    right.

    The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
    sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
    they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
    else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
    around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the
    stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
    the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
    was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
    sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
    lever to the other side.

    Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
    lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
    realized the same thing.

    Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
    Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER," he ran over the snake.



    THE END


    * * * *

    * * * *

    * * * *

    * * * *


    PLEASE READ:

    This joke was also a personality profile test...

    It was the subject of a recent Educational Psychology Master's Thesis, soon to be published, which investigated the way that someone responds to a webpage such as this correlates to certain personality tendencies.

    The research confirmed a statistically significant correlation which strongly suggests a dependably predictive positive relationship between how a person responds to this page and certain aspects of his or her psychological profile. Thus, it is called the Personality Profile Assessment Test Hypothesis.

    While the actual results looked at several complex factors, and depended heavily on questionnaires filled out by volunteers upon completion of their experience, I will simplify the results by discussing three main groups and their profiles. While these profiles may not be exactly fitting of each person within each group, they do strongly suggest a statistically significant likelihood of profile similarity.



    11% of those who see this page take their time, enjoying the joke as they read it, enjoying the build up to the punch line, and even if the punch line itself wasn’t particularly humorous, they tended to enjoy the process.



    56% begin scroll down to the punch line either before starting to read the joke or within a short period of time- usually 20 seconds or less. The vast majority of this group choose not to read the joke.


    33% read at least 1/3 of the joke, with the intention of reading it all, but then begin to question their decision and the investment of time they are making. They go back and forth between deciding to continuing or to skip to the end (this vacillating may be unconscious at the time, and happen in a matter of moments). The vast majority in this group give up before finishing ½ of the joke, and scroll to the end.

    People in the first group, who read the entire joke, tend to enjoy the journey of life, and take their time as they move towards a goal. When traveling, they tend to thoroughly enjoy the process, and are not uptight or stressed about single-mindedly getting to their destination. They also tend to be very attentive, patient and long lasting lovers, and enjoy intimacy and physical connectivity whether or not it is carried to completion.

    Those in the second group, who scroll to the end before reading more than a few sentences of the joke, tend to avoid surprises and the unknown. They prefer to have a regular schedule and not to step out of their routine. They tend to be efficient, but are often lacking in enjoyment, spontaneity and passion. They tend to be less patient and more interested in the destination than the journey. When on a trip, they tend to focus on getting where they are going, rather than enjoying the process. During intimacy, they tend to not be able to enjoy it unless they are certain it will be taken to completion. The idea of just “playing around” a while, engaging in physical intimacy without the promise of full completion is, rather than simply enjoyable and connective, considered to be “cruel” and a “teasing” and is met with resentment. This group’s ability to enjoy depends largely on their need to know what is going to happen. They tend to be more self-focused lovers, and tend not to last very long in satisfying the other partner if their own satisfaction has happened or is within easy reach.

    The third group, who decided not to read the entire joke after reading a third or more of it, tend to be commitment-phobic and lack the ability to move forward to completion when things become challenging. They are often procrastinators and frequently give up on tasks when they become more difficult. They tend to prefer to have big dreams than act on them in the real, challenging world. A significantly higher percentage of this group had Cesarean birth, and may not have had the benefit of that early experience of struggle and effort being rewarded with accomplishment. This group tends to not take big vacations which would take more effort to plan and implement, and tends to stay close to home or even stay home during time off. Promotions and career moves which are within reach but still require some effort and focus are frequently not fully tried for, although the perception will be they were passed up. In intimate relationships, this group tends to start out romantic and passionate, but it quickly fades and is replaced by lackadaisicalness and indifference, characterized in part by a sense of feeling it is not worth the effort to continue having a passionate, energized and complete experience during intimacy. There is a tendency to “peter out” both in intimacy and in other aspects of life, and to take the easier road, even if it leads to a less fulfilling life.


    * * * *

    Disclaimer: This summary of the thesis results is not intended in any way to offer advice or therapy, nor is it intended to infer anything about whether anyone reading this page does or does not fit the personality profiles described.



    * * * *










    This ends the longest joke in the world. (More than 42 meters long, top to bottom).














    Turning on 12 year old boys since May 2014.
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    1 Day Ago #1673
    sammee:P sammee:P is offline
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    Lol, already read it on the other thread! pretty funny,

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    1 Day Ago #1674
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    RETURN
    OF THE
    JEDI


    1 SPACE

    The boundless heavens serve as a back-drop for the MAIN TITLE, followed
    by a ROLL-UP, which crawls into infinity.

    Episode VI
    RETURN OF THE JEDI

    Luke Skywalker has returned to his home planet of Tatooine in an
    attempt to rescue his friend Han Solo from the clutches of theÊvile
    gangster Jabba the Hutt. Little does Luke know that the GALACTIC EMPIRE
    has secretly begun construction on a new armored space station even
    more powerful than the first dreaded Death Star. When completed, this
    ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of Rebels
    struggling to restore freedom to the galaxy...

    PAN DOWN to reveal a monstrous half-completed Death Star, its massive
    superstructure curling away from the completed section like the arms of
    a giant octopus. Beyond, in benevolent contrast, floats the small,
    green moon of ENDOR.

    An Imperial Star Destroyer moves overhead toward the massive armored
    space station, followed by two zipping TIE fighters. A small Imperial
    shuttle rockets from the main bay of the ship and hustles toward the
    Death Star.

    2 INT IMPERIAL SHUTTLE - COCKPIT
    The shuttle captain makes contact with the Death Star.

    SHUTTLE CAPTAIN
    Command station, this is ST 321. Code Clearance Blue. We're starting
    our approach. Deactivate the security shield.

    DEATH STAR CONTROLLER (filtered VO)
    The security deflector shield will be deactivated when we have
    confirmation of your code transmission. Stand by... You are clear to
    proceed.

    SHUTTLE CAPTAIN
    We're starting our approach.

    3 INT DEATH STAR - CONTROL ROOM

    Operators move about among the control panels. A SHIELD OPERATOR hits
    switches beside a large screen, on which is a display of the Death
    Star, the moon Endor, and a bright web delineating the invisible
    deflector shield.

    A control officer rushes over to the shield operator.

    OFFICER
    Inform the commander that Lord Vader's shuttle has arrived.

    OPERATOR
    Yes, sir.

    The control officer moves to a view port and watches as the Imperial
    shuttle lands in the massive docking bay. A squad of Imperial
    stormtroopers moves into formation before the craft.

    4 INT DEATH STAR - MAIN DOCKING BAY

    The DEATH STAR COMMANDER, MOFF JERJERROD, a tall, confident technocrat,
    strides through the assembled troops to the base of the shuttle ramp.
    The troops snap to attention; many are uneasy about the new arrival.
    But the Death Star commander stands arrogantly tall.

    The exit hatch of the shuttle opens with a WHOOSH, revealing only
    darkness. Then, heavy FOOTSTEPS AND MECHANICAL BREATHING. From this
    black void appears DARTH VADER, LORD OF THE SITH. Vader looks over the
    assemblage as he walks down the ramp.

    JERJERROD
    Lord Vader, this is an unexpected pleasure. We're honored by your
    presence.

    VADER
    You may dispense with the pleasantries, Commander. I'm here to put you
    back on
    schedule.

    The commander turns ashen and begins to shake.

    JERJERROD
    I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can.

    VADER
    Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them.

    JERJERROD
    I tell you, this station will be operational as planned.

    VADER
    The Emperor does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation.

    JERJERROD
    But he asks the impossible. I need more men.

    VADER
    Then perhaps you can tell him when he arrives.

    JERJERROD (aghast)
    The Emperor's coming here?

    VADER
    That is correct, Commander. And he is most displeased with your
    apparent lack of progress.

    JERJERROD
    We shall double our efforts.

    VADER
    I hope so, Commander, for your sake. The Emperor is not as forgiving as
    I am.

    5 EXT ROAD TO JABBA'S PALACE - TATOOINE

    A lonely, windswept road meanders through the desolate Tatooine
    terrain. We HEAR a familiar BEEPING and a distinctive reply before
    catching sight of ARTOO-DETOO and SEE-THREEPIO, making their way along
    the road toward the ominous palace of Jabba the Hutt.

    THREEPIO
    Of course I'm worried. And you should be, too. Lando Calrissian and
    poor Chewbacca never returned from this awful place.

    Artoo whistles timidly.

    THREEPIO
    Don't be so sure. If I told you half the things I've heard about this
    Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short-circuit.

    The two droids fearfully approach the massive gate to the palace.

    THREEPIO
    Artoo, are you sure this is the right place? I better knock, I suppose.

    6 EXT JABBA'S PALACE - GATE

    Threepio looks around for some kind of signaling device, then timidly
    knocks on the iron door.

    THREEPIO (instantly)
    There doesn't seem to be anyone there. Let's go back and tell Master
    Luke.

    A small hatch in the middle of the door opens and a spidery mechanical
    arm, with a large electronic eyeball on the end, pops out and inspects
    the two droids.

    STRANGE VOICE
    Tee chuta hhat yudd!

    THREEPIO
    Goodness gracious me!

    Threepio points to Artoo, then to himself.

    THREEPIO
    Artoo Detoowha bo Seethreepiowha ey toota odd mischka Jabba du Hutt.

    The eye looks from one robot to the other, there is a laugh then the
    eye zips back into the door. The hatch slams shut. Artoo beeps his
    concern.

    THREEPIO
    I don't think they're going to let us in, Artoo. We'd better go.

    Artoo beeps his reluctance as Threepio turns to leave. Suddenly the
    massive door starts to rise with a horrific metallic SCREECH. The
    robots turn back and face an endless black cavity. The droids look at
    one another, afraid to enter.

    Artoo starts forward into the gloom. Threepio rushes after his stubby
    companion. The door lowers noisily behind them.

    THREEPIO
    Artoo, wait. Oh, dear! Artoo. Artoo, I really don't think we should
    rush into all this.

    Artoo continues down the corridor, with Threepio following.

    THREEPIO
    Oh, Artoo! Artoo, wait for me!

    7 INT JABBA'S PALACE - HALLWAY

    The door slams shut with a loud crash that echoes throughout the dark
    passageway. The frightened robots are met by two giant, green GAMORREAN
    GUARDS, who fall in behind them. Threepio glances quickly back at the
    two lumbering brutes, then back to Artoo. One guard grunts an order.
    Artoo beeps nervously.

    THREEPIO
    Just you deliver Master Luke's message and get us out of here. Oh my!
    Oh! Oh, no.

    Walking toward them out of the darkness is BIB FORTUNA, a humanlike
    alien with long tentacles protruding from his skull.

    BIB
    Die Wanna Wanga!

    THREEPIO
    Oh, my! Die Wanna Wauaga. We -- we bring a message to your master,
    Jabba the Hutt.

    Artoo lets out a series of quick beeps.

    THREEPIO (cont)
    ...and a gift.
    (thinks a moment, then to Artoo)
    Gift, what gift?

    Bib shakes his head negatively.

    BIB
    Nee Jabba no badda. Me chaade su goodie.

    Bib holds out his hand toward Artoo and the tiny droid backs up a bit,
    letting out a protesting array of squeaks. Threepio turns to the
    strange-looking alien.

    THREEPIO
    He says that our instructions are to give it only to Jabba himself.

    Bib thinks about this for a moment.

    THREEPIO
    I'm terribly sorry. I'm afraid he's ever so stubborn about these sort
    of things.

    Bib gestures for the droids to follow.

    BIB
    Nudd Chaa.

    The droids follow the tall, tentacled alien into the darkness, trailed
    by the two guards.

    THREEPIO
    Artoo, I have a bad feeling about this.

    8 INT JABBA'S THRONE ROOM

    The throne room is filled with the vilest, most grotesque CREATURES
    ever conceived in the universe. Artoo and Threepio seem very small as
    they pause in the doorway to the dimly lit chamber. Light shafts
    partially illuminate the drunken courtiers as Bib Fortuna crosses the
    room to the platform upon which rests the leader of this nauseating
    crowd: JABBA THE HUTT. The monarch of the galactic underworld is a
    repulsive blob of bloated fat with a maniacal grin. Chained to the
    horrible creature is the beautiful alien female dancer named OOLA. At
    the foot of the dais sits an obnoxious birdlike creature, SALACIOUS
    CRUMB. Bib whispers something in the slobbering degenerate's ear. Jabba
    laughs horribly, at the two terrified droids before him. Threepio bows
    politely.

    THREEPIO
    Good morning.

    JABBA
    Bo Shuda!

    The robots jump forward to stand before the repulsive, loose-skinned
    villain.

    THREEPIO
    The message, Artoo, the message.

    Artoo whistles, and a beam of light projects from his domed head,
    creating a hologram of LUKE on the floor. The image grows to over ten
    feet tall, and the young Jedi towers over the space gangsters.

    LUKE
    Greetings, Exalted One. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Luke
    Skywalker, Jedi Knight and friend to Captain Solo. I know that you are
    powerful, mighty Jabba, and that your anger with Solo must be equally
    powerful. I seek an audience with Your Greatness to bargain for Solo's
    life.
    (Jabba's crowd laughs)
    With your wisdom, I'm sure that we can work out an arrangement which
    will be mutually beneficial and enable us to avoid any unpleasant
    confrontation. As a token of my goodwill, I present to you a gift:
    these two droids.

    Threepio is startled by this announcement.

    THREEPIO
    What did he say?

    LUKE (cont)
    ... Both are hardworking and will serve you well.

    THREEPIO
    This can't be! Artoo, you're playing the wrong message.

    Luke's hologram disappears.

    Jabba laughs while Bib speaks to him in Huttese.

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    There will be no bargain.

    THREEPIO
    We're doomed.

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    I will not give up my favorite decoration. I like Captain Solo where he
    is.

    Jabba laughs hideously and looks toward an alcove beside the throne.
    Hanging high, flat against the wall, exactly as we saw him last, is a
    carbonized HAN SOLO.

    THREEPIO
    Artoo, look! Captain Solo. And he's still frozen in carbonite.

    9 INT DUNGEON CORRIDOR

    One of Jabba's Gamorrean guards marches Artoo and Threepio down a dank,
    shadowy passageway lined with holding cells. The cries of unspeakable
    creatures bounce off the cold stone walls. Occasionally a repulsive arm
    or tentacle grabs through the bars at the hapless droids. Artoo beeps
    pitifully.

    THREEPIO
    What could possibly have come over Master Luke. Is it something I did?
    He never expressed any unhappiness with my work. Oh! Oh! Hold it! Ohh!

    A large tentacle wraps around Threepio's neck. He manages to break
    free, and they move on to a door at the end of the corridor.

    10 INT BOILER ROOM

    The door slides open, revealing a room filled with steam and noisy
    machinery. The guard motions them into the boiler room, where they are
    met by a tall, thin humanlike robot named EV-9D9. Behind the robot can
    be seen a torture rack pulling the legs off a screaming baby work
    droid. A second power droid is upside down. As smoking branding irons
    are pressed into his feet, the stubby robot lets out an agonized
    electronic scream. Artoo and Threepio cringe as the guard grunts to EV-
    9D9.

    NINEDENINE
    Ah, good. New acquisitions. You are a protocol droid, are you not?

    THREEPIO
    I am See-Threepio, human-cy...

    NINEDENINE
    Yes or no will do.

    THREEPIO
    Oh. Well, yes.

    NINEDENINE
    How many languages do you speak?

    THREEPIO
    I am fluent in over six million forms of communication, and can
    readily...

    NINEDENINE
    Splendid! We have been without an interpreter since our master got
    angry with our last protocol droid and disintegrated him.

    THREEPIO
    Disintegrated?

    NINEDENINE (to a Gamorrean guard)
    Guard! This protocol droid might be useful. Fit him with a restraining
    bolt and take him back to His Excellency's main audience chamber.

    The guard shoves Threepio toward the door.

    THREEPIO (disappearing)
    Artoo, don't leave me! Ohhh!

    Artoo lets out a plaintive cry as the door closes. Then he beeps
    angrily.

    NINEDENINE
    You're a feisty little one, but you'll soon learn some respect. I have
    need for you on the master's Sail Barge. And I think you'll fit in
    nicely.

    The poor work droid in the background lets out another tortured
    electronic scream.

    11 INT JABBA'S THRONE ROOM

    The court of Jabba the Hutt is in the midst of a drunken, raucous
    party. Sloppy, smelly monsters cheer and make rude noises as Oola and a
    fat female dancer perform in front of Jabba's throne.

    Jabba leers at the dancers and with a lustful gleam in his eye beckons
    Oola to come and sit with him. She stops dancing and backs away,
    shaking her head. Jabba gets angry and points to a spot next to him.

    JABBA
    Da Eitha!

    The lovely alien shakes her head again and screams.

    OOLA
    Na Chuba negatorie Na! Na! Natoota...

    Jabba is furious and pulls her toward him, tugging on the chain.

    JABBA
    Boscka!

    He pushes a button and, before the dancer can flee, a trap door in the
    floor springs open and swallows her up. As the door snaps shut, a
    muffled growl is followed by a hideous scream. Jabba and his monstrous
    friends laugh hysterically and several revelers hurry over to watch her
    fate through a grate.

    Threepio cringes and glances wistfully at the carbonite form of Han
    Solo, but is immediately distracted by a gunshot offscreen.ÊAn
    unnatural quiet sweeps the boisterous gathering. On the far side of the
    room, the crush of debauchers moves aside to allow the approach of two
    guards followed by BOUSHH, an oddly cloaked bounty hunter, leading his
    captive, Han Solo's copilot, CHEWBACCA THE WOOKIEE.

    Bib takes his place next to his disgusting master, and whispers into
    his ear, pointing at Chewbacca and the bounty hunter. Jabba listens
    intently, then the bounty hunter bows before the gangster and speaks a
    greeting in a strange, electronically processed tongue (Ubese).

    BOUSHH (in Ubese subtitled)
    I have come for the bounty on this Wookiee.

    THREEPIO
    Oh, no! Chewbacca!

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    At last we have the mighty Chewbacca.

    Jabba lets out a loud, long, blood-curdling laugh and turns to
    Threepio, waving him closer. The reluctant droid obeys.

    THREEPIO
    Oh, uh, yes, uh, I am here, Your Worshipfulness. Uh... yes!

    Jabba continues speaking, as Threepio nervously translates. Boushh
    listens, studying the dangerous creatures around the room. He notices
    BOBA FETT standing near the door.

    THREEPIO
    Oh. The illustrious Jabba bids you welcome and will gladly pay you the
    reward of twenty-five thousand.

    BOUSHH (in Ubese subtitled)
    I want fifty thousand. No less.

    Jabba immediately flies into a rage, knocking the golden droid off the
    raised throne into a clattering heap on the floor. Boushh adjusts his
    weapon as Jabba raves in Huttese and Threepio struggles back onto the
    throne. The disheveled droid tries to compose himself.

    THREEPIO
    Uh, oh... but what, what did I say?
    (to Boushh)
    Uh, the mighty Jabba asks why he must pay fifty thousand.

    The bounty hunter holds up a small silver ball in his hand. Threepio
    looks at it, then looks at Jabba, then back to the bounty hunter. The
    droid is very nervous and Jabba is getting very impatient.

    THREEPIO
    Because he's holding a thermal detonator.

    The guards instantly back away, as do most of the other monsters in the
    room. Jabba stares at the silver ball, which begins to glow in the
    bounty hunter's hand. The room has fallen into a tense hush. Jabba
    stares at the bounty hunter malevolently until a sly grin creeps across
    his vast mouth and he begins to laugh.

    JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
    This bounty hunter is my kind of scum. Fearless and inventive.

    Jabba continues.

    THREEPIO
    Jabba offers the sum of thirty-five. And I suggest you take it.

    Bib and the other monsters study the bounty hunter and wait for his
    reaction. Boushh releases a switch on the thermal detonator and it goes
    dead.

    BOUSHH
    Zeebuss.

    THREEPIO
    He agrees!

    The raucous crowd of monsters erupts in a symphony of cheers and
    applause as the party returns to its full noisy pitch. Chewbacca
    growls. As he is led away we spot LANDO CALRISSIAN, disguised as a
    skiff guard in a partial face mask. The band starts up and dancing
    girls take the center of the floor, to the hoots of the loudly
    appreciative creatures.

    Boushh leans against a column with gunfighter cool and ******s the
    scene, his gaze stopping only when it connects with a glare from across
    the room. Boba Fett is watching him. Boushh shifts slightly, cradling
    his weapon lovingly. Boba Fett shifts with equally ominous arrogance.ZE]
     

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