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    that's your horoscope for today

    "Your Horoscope For Today"

    Aquarius
    There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
    Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

    Pisces
    Try to avoid many Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
    You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what thsoe idiots at work say

    Aries
    The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
    Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

    Taurus
    You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
    The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

    Gemini
    Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
    Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

    Cancer
    The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week fcae down in the mud
    Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

    Leo
    Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
    Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

    Virgo
    All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
    Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

    Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
    that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
    a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
    but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
    are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
    to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.

    Where was I?

    Libra
    A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you
    Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week

    Scorpio
    Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
    Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

    Sagittarius
    All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
    Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den

    Capricorn
    The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying
    If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again.

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