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  1. #1
    wolfenface's Avatar
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    Blood Lust (working title)

    Here's my lackluster attempt at the beginning of a story.

    Prologue
    “Blood…” I mutter to myself, as I backed away from my friend’s body.

    The last thing she said was my name “Roloc…” as she collapsed to the ground. I had come to fear blood as I had recently connected it to my recent seizures. Both of which had taken place right after I touched someone else blood.

    I studied her as she lay on the ground. As far I could tell the blood only covered the front of her body, if I was careful I could carry her out of the woods without touching it. My stomach protested at the thought.

    I positioned myself next to her body and slid my arms under her torso. I carefully picked her up thinking to myself “I’m glad she watches her weight.”

    I managed to make it a few feet before I stepped on a rock, stumbled, and the skin on my arm made contact the blood on her shirt. I had just enough time to lower myself closer to the ground before everything went black.

    Chapter 1
    I awoke in a bed, and no light, except for the few lights on the monitor next to me. “Damn, I always get the rooms with no windows.” I thought as I realized I was in a hospital bed. My thoughts wondered to Sarah, she had just fallen, and hit her head, and scraped herself up a bit. I figured she would be released with nothing more than a concussion if anything, which is if she was even in the hospital.

    I thought back to when my arm had touched her blood, in the few seconds it had taken me to lose consciousness I had a vision. A young girl, barely tall enough to reach a water fountain, watched as Nurses pushed a gurney down the hall with what looked like a man. Everyone’s faces were blurred except the girl’s, who looked a lot like a younger Sarah. Her dark brown hair nearing shoulder length was defined by her bluish grey eyes. Tears stained her face as she watched the nurses continue down the hall.

    It had happened like that the other two times, just with a different cast of characters. What was happening I couldn’t tell the doctors I was having seizure related visions when I came in contact with a person’s blood, I would end up with a shrink. I had no time for that.

    I burrowed into the covers as the door opened covering part of the room in light. The overhead lights flipped on and I closed my eyes to protect them from the harmful beams. When I opened them Mom was standing next to me holding some folded clothes, I took that as a good sign.

    “Roloc, get dressed and meet me at the reception desk.” She said as she set the clothes on the foot of the bed. “The doctor says you’re free to go.”
    I waited until she left the room and slipped out of bed. I left the hospital gown on the bed, happy to be back in my own clothes. Mom was just finishing the check out process when I walked up to her. “Sarah’s parents want your side of the story. She’s already at her home resting. The story can wait until later.”

    I began to drift to sleep once I sat down in the car, I’d ask questions later.

  2. #2
    dashwel's Avatar
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    sucked.... instead of writing some shit on the internet why dont you go to your bathroom, and fill your bath with water, and then put your mothers hair dryer in the plug and then accidentally drop it in your bath while your sitting in it

  3. #3
    aclonegeek's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dashwel View Post
    sucked.... instead of writing some shit on the internet why dont you go to your bathroom, and fill your bath with water, and then put your mothers hair dryer in the plug and then accidentally drop it in your bath while your sitting in it
    Troll.

    I would give this a 4/5 but it could use a lot of work. The beginning started off good, but it was kind of confusing (Not saying you should edit this). She said his name and collapsed to the ground but where does the blood come from? What happened? You described that in Chapter 1, but how did she hit her head? Give it some more details, and fix this (I'll edit if I find something I missed) :

    my arm made contact the blood on her shirt < add with inbetween contact and the
    Last edited by aclonegeek; 08-07-2010 at 03:13 PM.

  4. #4
    wolfenface's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aclonegeek View Post


    Troll.

    I would give this a 4/5 but it could use a lot of work. The beginning started off good, but it was kind of confusing (Not saying you should edit this). She said his name and collapsed to the ground but where does the blood come from? What happened? You described that in Chapter 1, but how did she hit her head? Give it some more details, and fix this (I'll edit if I find something I missed) :

    my arm made contact the blood on her shirt < add with inbetween contact and the
    Thanks, for the input. That's a really rough draft. I haven't edited it at all. I've been meaning to though. I'll get to it eventually.


  5. #5
    Toxin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wolfenface View Post
    Thanks, for the input. That's a really rough draft. I haven't edited it at all. I've been meaning to though. I'll get to it eventually.
    You better, why you so lazy bro?

  6. #6
    wolfenface's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IAmAFatNIDDER View Post


    You better, why you so lazy bro?
    Because I'm a tad more focused on my other story, that's been more thought through than this one.


  7. #7
    Auxilium's Avatar
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    Toxin is toxic

  8. #8
    compaq soul's Avatar
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    I like the mystery aspect to it....It makes me want to keep reading. And I'm a pretty picky reader.

    ~My stomach protested at the thought. (didnt blend in well. I think you should use 'objected')

    ~“Roloc, get dressed and meet me at the reception desk.” She said as she set the clothes on the foot of the bed. “The doctor says you’re free to go.” (Unless this character is meant to be negative, then I think you should make the mother A LOT more caring)

    Great story, I think you'll fix it up fine

    GL

  9. #9
    ¡!¡!S3AN¡!¡!'s Avatar
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    ahh it's pretty good.

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