Thread: Life

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  1. #1
    Moto's Avatar
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    Life

    Life is sometimes shitty, sometimes fun
    Sometimes I want to sleep, sometimes I want to run
    Life is filled with bad and good
    Growing up, facing manhood
    Sometimes I just want to scream
    Sometimes I want to be alone, just you and me.
    You can make me smile, when life isn't going well
    You are like an angel from heaven, that just came and fell
    Every day, I wonder what I am doing, being in this place
    The only thing that can cheer me up, is your beautiful face
    I love the way you say my name
    You rid my mind of all the shame
    You take the breath right out of me
    You are right where you should be
    We can sit here together forever and ever
    Until we fade away, whenever.....

    @Liz Be a critic. A nice one, hopefully.
    I wrote this extremely quickly, I hope I did okay for a first.



  2. #2
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    It's not bad for a impromptu piece, Only real critique i can do, is to express in a more eloquent way, It may be verbose, but also gives the reader a break from normalcy. Also pick a single theme, The writing starts off as a life contemplation piece, then turns into a romanticism piece. Perhaps focusing on just one and trying to be true, honest and more open, it can lead to a much better piece.

    Nonetheless, its a good start, and you should continue to write, not only does it clear the mind but helps focus it.
    Last edited by Liz; 08-23-2011 at 08:53 PM.


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  3. #3
    Moto's Avatar
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    Yeah I was just going to do a life piece, but I decided to mix it up, I forgot to change the title. Just some thoughts about how my life isn't going well, but my girlfriend is always there to cheer me up. Thanks though! It really did help me.



  4. #4
    Woods's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Liz View Post
    It's not bad for a impromptu piece, Only real critique i can do, is to express in a more eloquent way, It may be verbose, but also gives the reader a break from normalcy. Also pick a single theme, The writing starts off as a life contemplation piece, then turns into a romanticism piece. Perhaps focusing on just one and trying to be true, honest and more open, it can lead to a much better piece.

    Nonetheless, its a good start, and you should continue to write, not only does it clear the mind but helps focus it.
    woah liz.
    you have a large library of vocabulary

    And your suggestions are really helpful to me too!
    Previous Name: Woods / Opticz
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  5. #5
    Moto's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Opticz View Post


    woah liz.
    you have a large library of vocabulary

    And your suggestions are really helpful to me too!
    Well she is pretty intelligent. She's a paralegal too.



  6. #6
    Woods's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moto View Post


    Well she is pretty intelligent. She's a paralegal too.
    We all <3 Liz
    She's just awesome!
    Previous Name: Woods / Opticz
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  7. The Following User Says Thank You to Woods For This Useful Post:

    [MPGH]Moto (08-23-2011)

  8. #7
    Saboteur's Avatar
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    n1 pooch .

  9. #8
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    you could make this into a song
    because noxen (backwards) is greedy

  10. #9
    Moto's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Miery View Post
    you could make this into a song
    Possibly..



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