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  1. #1
    username9999's Avatar
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    Lightbulb 'How to Win Arguments' Guide

    Here is a short, funny guide I found on the net on how to win arguments.
    • Drink Liquor.
      Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room

    • Make things up.
      Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: ``I think Peruvians are underpaid.'' Say: ``The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.''

      NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

      If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: ``This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?'' Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say ``You left your soiled underwear in my bath house.''

    • Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.
      Memorize this list:

      * Let me put it this way
      * In terms of
      * Vis-a-vis
      * Per se
      * As it were
      * Qua
      * So to speak

      You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as ``Q.E.D.,'' ``e.g.,'' and ``i.e.'' These are all short for ``I speak Latin, and you do not.''

      Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: ``Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money.''

      You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: ``Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.''

      Only a fool would challenge that statement.

    • Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
      You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

      * You're begging the question.
      * You're being defensive.
      * Don't compare apples and oranges.
      * What are your parameters?

      This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what ``parameters'' means.
      Here's how to use your comebacks:

      You say: ``As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...''
      Your opponent says: ``Lincoln died in 1865.''
      You say: ``You're begging the question.''

    • Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
      This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: ``That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say'' or ``You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.''

  2. #2
    zombieman12's Avatar
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    lol i have to remember this for school
    the teachers are bit ches
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  3. #3
    Paroxysm's Avatar
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    This is more of a guide for how to argue like a jackass.
    "We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us, but we sip only little by little at a truth we find bitter." ~ Denis Diderot

  4. #4
    Seth's Avatar
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    This guide is so pro, but I already follow all these tips. I think this belongs in a better section like General.
    She paints a pretty picture, but the story has a twist, the paint brush is a razor, and the canvas is her wrist.

  5. #5
    Czar's Avatar
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    This the the most counter-productive guide I have ever laid my eyes upon.

  6. #6
    Paroxysm's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Czar View Post

    This the the most counter-productive guide I have ever laid my eyes upon.
    Some people don't care about productivity, truth or reality. Some people just want to win... I've lost all hope for humanity
    "We swallow greedily any lie that flatters us, but we sip only little by little at a truth we find bitter." ~ Denis Diderot

  7. #7
    Seth's Avatar
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    Warning, do not try this on anyone who generally carry's anything that can be classified as a weapon.
    She paints a pretty picture, but the story has a twist, the paint brush is a razor, and the canvas is her wrist.

  8. #8
    123rune20's Avatar
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    I did it. I won a conversation with this one. That's cause everyone I was debating with were complete dipshits, but yeah, rofl.
    "I'd show you the marks, but I don't wanna pull my pants down right now...." Tallahassee Pain.


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  9. #9
    MicroManage's Avatar
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    nice guide guise

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