Feelings

[grey489177]

First let me say i acknowledge this is long and has nothing to do with vindictus. The vindictus community is the only section of mpgh that i am active and really care about so this is where i would like to talk about this, with the people i interact with every day.

I am not a very emotional person. I have struggled with emotions and "feelings" (or lack there of) for my entire life. Here is a quick history
1. Violent anti-social
2. No physical connection in brain between action and remorse
3. Aspergers Syndrome (google it)
4. 4 trips in and out of mental institutions in 20 years. 2 of those times on my birthday.

Things you don't know about me.
Journal Entry: Thu Jul 7, 2011, 8:39 AM


1: Today(see above date) is my real birthday.
2: I contemplate killing people every day, keeps me sane.
3: I love the color green.
4: I dislike movies where the main theme is stupidity.
(EX: American Pie, Jackass)
5: I suffer from chronic depression and it pulls me away from my wife and family.
6: I gave up a career making over a million USD(salary) a year because i didn't like the moral ramifications. I worked there 3 months.
7: I am currently WAY under the poverty level.
8: I am autistic with aspergers syndrome.
9: I prefer Mozzarella cheese.
10: I love, but i don't feel.
11: I prefer a short, dark haired, dark eyes girl but i married a short, blond, blue eyed gal.
12: I like The Andy Griffith show.
13: Voyager was my favorite Star Trek series.
14: I have a medical affliction that will kill me if not treated and in the last 2 hours one medical professional told me he wouldn't treat me because i have insurance and another said he wouldn't treat me because my insurance didn't cover it.
15: I think I'll let it kill me.

Sufficient to say, i got issues. Lately i have been dealing with a whole new ballpark which i don't know how to deal with. Depression. My psyc told me to write to explore this and the cause of it, well i thought this was a better idea, this way i can get feedback.

The problem isn't wanting to die so much as it is not caring if i do or not, i think this explains why i do alot of things. It is messed up because as i am writing this i just don't get how it will help. Maybe if you guys shared some stories, thoughts or experiences. I don't know, all i know is this post will probably get deleted anyway and i can tell my psycho psyc i tried...

My head hurts and im gong to bed now...do what u want.

[dragon73]

A long time ago when I was about 17 years old I had to be put on watch because I tried to kill myself.But thank God I never went through with it.Your only real chance is to find a christian counsoling center and tell them about what you are going through,because my friend I fear with what you've written here leads to one day you going to take your life.Turn to Jesus Christ and HE WILL HELP YOU.

Isaiah 53:5But he [was] wounded for our transgressions, [he was] bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace [was] upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

John 3:16

King James Version. John 3:16


For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.


Thu Jul 7, 2011, 8:39 AM
BTW---Happy late birthday.

[stupidname1]

As athiest as i am i still understand that religion can be extremely helpful in finding meaning or new direction in ones life. Not just the stories but the ideas and principles behind them can be enough for a person to view the world with new eyes. Im not saying being a religious zealot would help you but exploring religions and their ideas about life might give you a refreshed view of the world and things may not look so bleak.
Personally the religion that makes the most impression on me is Buddhism, but they each have their own pros and cons.
If you are tired of how things seem to you i would suggest exploring one of them
Even reading up on human psychology might give you insight about why you feel the way you do, and understanding yourself better.
anyways i hope this helped, and that you eventually find your way. Everyones has trials in life and they generally come out stronger for the experience.

also i love mozzarella too, mmm cheeze >.>

[Paladin]

My advice is to start boxing at a punching bag or speed bag. It'll help your rage and calm you down.

[grey489177]

My advice is to start boxing at a punching bag or speed bag. It'll help your rage and calm you down.

19 years of martial arts training and 3 years military service. Physical outlets arent a problem.

[[TheOriginal]Jgizle]

maybe you should look into awakening yourself spiritually. Religion is just a way for govt's to control mass amounts of people. Spiritually awakening yourslef and seeing that what we call reality is not real and that when we go to sleep every night we truly "wake up" will give you a new view on life.

This link will help you a lot and whether you take the courage to understand what life is really about and what is really going on in the world is up to you.

Youtube Channel: YouTube - ‪Rich2150x's Channel‬‏

or maybe this specific video although all of them are good :

[Roxarok]

3 years military service.

Assuming a US citizen, what were you discharged for?

[[TheOriginal]Jgizle]

Assuming a US citizen, what were you discharged for?

He could have just quit because he didn't like his job.

Or maybe he got injured.

[qtimporta]

I just read this and have a few things to say:

1. Happy birthday (better late than never).
2. I do agree with some of the posts here about a spiritual awakening might help you. I'm not a religious person but I do have my beliefs that are a mixture of different religions and cientific knowledge.
3. I think most of us thought about killing ourselves at a point in our lives (those who didn't do it was cuz of lack of balls or just being rational). What kept me among the living where 2 things: the fact that i strongly believe that suicide (not counting euthanasia) is "the weak's way-out" and that when you take your own life you end your misery, but the pain and suffering that your family and friends will have to go through just begins. And because I live I am now married to my wonderful wife and waiting on my first baby.

Just find something to be attached to, something that keeps you cool and grounded. Try to find something to do to keep your mind busy so you don't think about negative things too often.

Dunno if I was clear enough as English is not my mother tongue, so excuse any coherence or grammar mistakes.

[grey489177]

@qtimporta Thank you. I usually do things here and there like taking on more work and such to keep myself from thinking about it. It seems to be about the only thing that helps. I know some say its not healthy to do that, but i think whatever keeps you alive must be healthy if the alternative kills u right?

@Roxarok @[TheOriginal]Jgizle i was honorably discharged at the end of my service term. If i didn't get married i would have gone back.

[qtimporta]

@qtimporta Thank you. I usually do things here and there like taking on more work and such to keep myself from thinking about it. It seems to be about the only thing that helps. I know some say its not healthy to do that, but i think whatever keeps you alive must be healthy if the alternative kills u right?

@Roxarok @[TheOriginal]Jgizle i was honorably discharged at the end of my service term. If i didn't get married i would have gone back.

Being alive and "pretty well" is healthier than death any time...

[hitman268]

Well grey happy bday and i always like you on this forums.. you and some few ppl are actually the one i like... some of the ppl i like are in this thread.. anyway i am 17 i sometimes have anger managment issues.. emotional depress... and it only hurt me casue i nvr let it out.. so no ones no not even my family unless it get really srs.... anyway yea i m very emotional and i sometimes takes replies and thread srs to the emotion.. so i guess i m saying we are nothing alike but i can feel what you are going thru and stuff..and i no i dont even no u in real life.. but please dont let it kill you.. fight it.. i really want you to stick around on mpgh.... and those docs can go screw themselves... but find someone who will treat you. and i dont no solutions to any of your problems but trust in a god... and urself... n live man.... i dont wnat you gone from mpgh just yet.. heck id ont want you gone ever even tho i dont no you... but i really like you.. it is weird man.. n i aint gay but i think you are cool... stay.. stay in this world till the world end... which some ppl beleive it be nxt year..but who gives a damn fight it man... you can do this.. sorry if i sound stupid but i meant all this from my heart.. i sometimes tend to get emotional..i feel like crying right now (unrelated matter) but this add to that crying...

[qtimporta]

Btw.... if you need treatment go to Canada. They might be weirdos and dodgers of any major conflict (as seen on The Simpsons), but they have Universal Healthcare.

[grey489177]

Btw.... if you need treatment go to Canada. They might be weirdos and dodgers of any major conflict (as seen on The Simpsons), but they have Universal Healthcare.

only if u live there i thought.

[qtimporta]

only if u live there i thought.

I don't think so... I mean, have you watched Michael Moore's Sicko? I got this knowledge from that movie (it's also cheaper than England or France... lol).