My small autobiography

[Trollaux]

Warning: Somewhat sad and pretty serious.

My mind is a twisted world of hatred and depression. I cannot express emotion no matter how hard I try, because I am a chronic alexithymiac. All my laughs are fake, all my happiness gets sucked up my a black hole. The only feelings of joy or happiness I get is short lasted and not substantial enough for anyone to notice. I have everything but I feel like I have so little. Sometimes nothing at all. I will sit, alone, in a dark room and think about how much others would give to have the privileged life I have. Most of the people in Africa don't even have water. Let alone a meal 3 times a day that they can just choose not to eat. There's so much in this world I will never experience because of the limits and borders I set myself to. I never take big risks because whenever I do, it sometimes turns out to be a horrible mistake. I have devoted all my time to a forum called MPGH and I have made a few friends there during the time I have spent since November 2011. Lots of this changed when I started to make use of my skills and talents, that were hobbies before had developed into much more. By 2012 I had developed a highly successful minecraft mod with one of my good friends. Despite it being so popular at the time I stopped working on it half way into finishing version 2.1. I continued to program misc stuff in Java and was exploring other languages aswell. During 2013 I started playing a game called Realm of the Mad God. I had an account for quiet some time back when it was developed by its original developer. It was a sellout and sold to the company I began to hate. Middle of 2013 I met some more people on MPGH who all had an interest in this game aswell. We developed a small hack for the game amongst ourselves and made a small group out of it. A few months after we had developed a extremely advanced bot for the game and some of the members went off to sell items for the game. Around that time I quit realm and started playing a small game called robotgame. You developed a robot in Python and battled it against other people. I was so amazed by it in the first day I had made a bot that hit the 3rd page of the leaderboards. I continued working on it for quiet some time before I discovered the irc for robotgame. I went in it almost everyday and talked to people. Everyone was so nice and I had a really good time. But it was time for me to move on. Around late 2013 I released the source code to one of the best robots in robotgame and moved on. I still go on once in a while to checkout the new stuff and say hi in the irc. I began playing Garry's mod a lot in early 2014 and with a group of buddies made the hack 'SFD'. To this day no one else knows what that means besides us. Two months later our side dev left us for real life and a little while longer so did the other member. It was just me. I gave up on SFD and started developing a darkrp server with my friend who I made the minecraft mod with too. It was fun for a while. My friend couldn't afford to pay for the server anymore and it eventually ended. 3/??/2014 I started talking to a moderator from MPGH a lot more. We became good friends and still are to this day. I came across a TTT server with my friend one day and really liked it. I eventually became temp admin on it and tried to get developer. Two other people got developer, not me. I tried to get developer for days until I gave up. I expressed an emotion, finally! But it wasn't one I liked. It was not happiness or joy, it was bitter and cruel. Sadness and depression. After all my hard work I had a lot of enjoyment doing I relapsed back to my old self. About a month later I came back only to see no development done to the server. It didn't suprise me but I was somewhat offended by it. I didn't say anything about it and continued my quest to become developer for this server. I talked to the owner and the head staff whenever I could but it felt useless. One day I made a amazing list of cool stuff I could add to the server, the owner and the head staff loved if! I was so happy, I didn't cry and my expression didn't change but on the inside I felt good, finally. About two hours later the head staff broke the news to me. I wasn't going to be a developer. I felt betrayed and enraged. I deleted all my code I had made for the server, shut off my computer, and did what I shouldn't have done. But it was worth it. I thought about it and decided not to give up. After working hard for months I worked up the courage to ask for developer again. The answer was different. It wasn't a yes, but it wasn't a no. I was being considered to become a developer finally! About two weeks later a bunch of stuff happened that I won't go into detail with, I finally got the rank of developer. I worked super hard that whole day and didn't sleep for over 48 hours. I was either working on the server or watching anime that I still haven't finished to this day. The story continues.

Notable mentions:
Raple for risking his job for me
Symmetrical for risking his job for me
Zach for being there to talk to
Kodoku for being an awesome guy
angelofsilence for showing me robotgame
Krazyshank for everything you've done for me
Kranossity for whatever you did
Ryan duke for the momsexual developement team
Jov for paying for the teamspeak
Color ( I hate you )
Rance for showing me the anime section
Link cabin for providing amazing infosec videos
Choka & clot for making sfd happen

And the most important people
Callum for making me love anime
Dave for MPGH
Liz for making MPGH a better place
Invicition you know why
Mbbdogg you know why
And finally Ryagi for giving me a chance

I love MPGH.

[Predator]

Well written!

[Kevin]

Warning: Somewhat sad and pretty serious.

My mind is a twisted world of hatred and depression. I cannot express emotion no matter how hard I try, because I am a chronic alexithymiac. All my laughs are fake, all my happiness gets sucked up my a black hole. The only feelings of joy or happiness I get is short lasted and not substantial enough for anyone to notice. I have everything but I feel like I have so little. Sometimes nothing at all. I will sit, alone, in a dark room and think about how much others would give to have the privileged life I have. Most of the people in Africa don't even have water. Let alone a meal 3 times a day that they can just choose not to eat. There's so much in this world I will never experience because of the limits and borders I set myself to. I never take big risks because whenever I do, it sometimes turns out to be a horrible mistake. I have devoted all my time to a forum called MPGH and I have made a few friends there during the time I have spent since November 2011. Lots of this changed when I started to make use of my skills and talents, that were hobbies before had developed into much more. By 2012 I had developed a highly successful minecraft mod with one of my good friends. Despite it being so popular at the time I stopped working on it half way into finishing version 2.1. I continued to program misc stuff in Java and was exploring other languages aswell. During 2013 I started playing a game called Realm of the Mad God. I had an account for quiet some time back when it was developed by its original developer. It was a sellout and sold to the company I began to hate. Middle of 2013 I met some more people on MPGH who all had an interest in this game aswell. We developed a small hack for the game amongst ourselves and made a small group out of it. A few months after we had developed a extremely advanced bot for the game and some of the members went off to sell items for the game. Around that time I quit realm and started playing a small game called robotgame. You developed a robot in Python and battled it against other people. I was so amazed by it in the first day I had made a bot that hit the 3rd page of the leaderboards. I continued working on it for quiet some time before I discovered the irc for robotgame. I went in it almost everyday and talked to people. Everyone was so nice and I had a really good time. But it was time for me to move on. Around late 2013 I released the source code to one of the best robots in robotgame and moved on. I still go on once in a while to checkout the new stuff and say hi in the irc. I began playing Garry's mod a lot in early 2014 and with a group of buddies made the hack 'SFD'. To this day no one else knows what that means besides us. Two months later our side dev left us for real life and a little while longer so did the other member. It was just me. I gave up on SFD and started developing a darkrp server with my friend who I made the minecraft mod with too. It was fun for a while. My friend couldn't afford to pay for the server anymore and it eventually ended. 3/??/2014 I started talking to a moderator from MPGH a lot more. We became good friends and still are to this day. I came across a TTT server with my friend one day and really liked it. I eventually became temp admin on it and tried to get developer. Two other people got developer, not me. I tried to get developer for days until I gave up. I expressed an emotion, finally! But it wasn't one I liked. It was not happiness or joy, it was bitter and cruel. Sadness and depression. After all my hard work I had a lot of enjoyment doing I relapsed back to my old self. About a month later I came back only to see no development done to the server. It didn't suprise me but I was somewhat offended by it. I didn't say anything about it and continued my quest to become developer for this server. I talked to the owner and the head staff whenever I could but it felt useless. One day I made a amazing list of cool stuff I could add to the server, the owner and the head staff loved if! I was so happy, I didn't cry and my expression didn't change but on the inside I felt good, finally. About two hours later the head staff broke the news to me. I wasn't going to be a developer. I felt betrayed and enraged. I deleted all my code I had made for the server, shut off my computer, and did what I shouldn't have done. But it was worth it. I thought about it and decided not to give up. After working hard for months I worked up the courage to ask for developer again. The answer was different. It wasn't a yes, but it wasn't a no. I was being considered to become a developer finally! About two weeks later a bunch of stuff happened that I won't go into detail with, I finally got the rank of developer. I worked super hard that whole day and didn't sleep for over 48 hours. I was either working on the server or watching anime that I still haven't finished to this day. The story continues.

Notable mentions:
Raple for risking his job for me
Symmetrical for risking his job for me
Zach for being there to talk to
Kodoku for being an awesome guy
angelofsilence for showing me robotgame
Krazyshank for everything you've done for me
Kranossity for whatever you did
Ryan duke for the momsexual developement team
Jov for paying for the teamspeak
Color ( I hate you )
Rance for showing me the anime section
Link cabin for providing amazing infosec videos
Choka & clot for making sfd happen

And the most important people
Callum for making me love anime
Dave for MPGH
Liz for making MPGH a better place
Invicition you know why
Mbbdogg you know why
And finally Ryagi for giving me a chance

I love MPGH.

Thx for not mentioning me for helping u in BT
but well written

[ThisIsNotRance]

I read a sentence... you sound like a ******.

tl;dr

[Trollaux]

Thx for not mentioning me for helping u in BT
but well written

Sorry I tried to remember everyone

Well written!

Thanks

I read a sentence... you sound like a ******.

tl;dr

That's because you didn't read the first six words of the thread

[Elocrypt.]

That was a long read.

[ThisIsNotRance]

That's because you didn't read the first six words of the thread

Nah, I did.

off topic but I see you have shit taste in anime

[Raple]

I read a sentence... you sound like a ******.

tl;dr

Rance, go back to your loli dungeon and tentacle hentai you fucking plebian.


Thanks for the mention trillox.

[ThisIsNotRance]

Rance, go back to your loli dungeon and tentacle hentai you fucking plebian.


Thanks for the mention trillox.

I'm running out of lolis, I've come out of the dungeon to capture fresh ones from MPGH... but all I'm finding is filthy ******s.

[Trollaux]

Nah, I did.

off topic but I see you have shit taste in anime

I only watch ecchi/harem/romance anime
usually I watch for the art and the characters, not the story/plot

[ThisIsNotRance]

I only watch ecchi/harem/romance anime
usually I watch for the art and the characters, not the story/plot

Go watch Bakemonogatari, it's one of the few ecchi/harem/romance anime that doesn't suck.

[Euphemistic]

I want to read more. Do more please.

[[MPGH]Jov]

Era uma vez um garotinho branco e rico, parecia ate um porquinho fofo de deus abençoado.

Depois de virar um super x9 bom de bola e pegar todas a pipiricas das minas, Jov entrou no mpgh e gastou uma grana de crack fudida, E virou um deus branco do brasil huezeiro da porra. Aquele gostoso jov e agora o maior x9 do mundo


My autobiography in portuguese @BACKD00R @Trollaux

[Trollaux]

I want to read more. Do more please.

I have so much more still left. I still have to decide if doing this was right. I could write about my life for 1000s of pages but a lot of it is stuff I don't want to even talk about with some of my closest friends. I will think about writing more about this and how this happened to me and how depression effected my life. I was expecting a lot of hate and dislike from this but I got the opposite.

Maybe.

[Trollaux]

Era uma vez um garotinho branco e rico, parecia ate um porquinho fofo de deus abençoado.

Depois de virar um super x9 bom de bola e pegar todas a pipiricas das minas, Jov entrou no mpgh e gastou uma grana de crack fudida, E virou um deus branco do brasil huezeiro da porra. Aquele gostoso jov e agora o maior x9 do mundo


My autobiography in portuguese @BACKD00R @Trollaux

I don't know if google translate made this extremely funny or extremely fucked up.