Holy bible of McCreeeeeesh.
Welcom to Ryanism for noobs, before we begin there are some rules which need to be discussed.
No niggers/jews/muslims/gypsies/gays/handicapped allowed.
No dinosaurs, fuck dinosaurs.
If you don’t believe in our holy lord thou shall be cleansed.
Your hands need to be clean.
The Holocaust never happened, it’s just a Zionist conspiracy theory to make white people feel bad.
Don’t kill white people.
IF YOU DON’T LIKE FILTHYFRANK GO AND FUCKING KILL YOURSELF.
You must wear hats inside.
7 Deadly sins.
2. Wearing jew hats.
3. Being salty.
4. Painting yourself black.
5. Not liking Filthyfrank
6. Sniffing babies.
7. Not going to school (*ahem* Gianni & Flojo *ahem*)
In the beginning there was nothing, only Doritos and dank memes. Until our holy lord Ryan decided to create the world and space and some other shit. He created the world and everything on it in 7 days. On the first day, he crafted the sky out of his farts. The second day he took a shit and that is how the earth was formed. The third day he got cancer bored so he created people. On the fourth day he realized it would be funny as fuck to see people getting mauled by bears so he created animals. On the fifth day I don’t even know what the fuck happened yolo blaze it, maybe the sea or some shit idgaf. On the sixth day the unholy demon Dylan created jews, niggers, muslims ,gypsies, handicapped people, fags and lesbians, but not like the hot lesbians you can see on Brazzers, but the fat fucking dykes that are all over tumblr munching on eachothers feminazi vaginas. After 6 days of work our holy lord decided to take a rest because this shit is hard to do yo.
2. The first people.
The first person on earth was Bob Ross, he lived in a paradise with doritos and weed and mtn.dew. Bob Ross was having a very fun time until our lord started fucking around again and decided to create women, because what is the world without some boobs and bitches to make sandwitches. So Mr.Ryan started wanking or some shit and the world’s first woman, Tobin’s mom, was created. And like all women, she started bitching and nagging about everything, so Bob Ross told her to gtfo. Tobin’s mom walked away and she saw a nice tree so she decieded to sit in its shade. Suddenly she heard a sound, ‘Ayy lmao’ she looked up and saw a big fucking snake with a wiggly tail and all that other stuff and their stupid looking tongues like wtf are they even supposed to look like, holy shit snakes look fucking retarded. But anyhow, she asked the snake: ‘Lol uwotm8 wat is ur name?’ To which the snake replied: ‘I am Gianni, the Italian snake of wisdom and WoW’ Tobin’s mom got salty and called Gianni a faggot but then Gianni reported her so our holy lord decided to ban her and Bob Ross from paradise because they rustled Gianni’s jimmies.
3. Willdell’s sleigh.
There was this one time our lord Ryan got pissed off because fucking Flojo decided to die again. So Ryan was all like: ‘Fuck this shit m8 let’s fuck everything up with floods and volcanoes and AIDSbola. He didn’t want to fuck up his 7 days of work so he decided to warn the people. He sent one of his angels, Tobin, to warn all the people except the Muslims because fuck the Muslims. Tobin went to a badass Finnish viking called Will. He told Will: ‘Yo you need to get the fuck outta here shit is gonna hit the fan real fucking soon, you should save yourself and all the animals, but not like all the animals because fuck dinosaurs and unicorns they can get AIDSbola and all that shit.’ So the badass viking Will grabbed his axe and started to beat the shit out of some trees, just like in minecraft. After beating up some trees he had enough wood to build a sleigh. He took some random animals but not the dinosaurs beacause fuck the dinosaurs and he flew all of them to safety because grandmaster-god-ruler Ryan cast a spell on it so it could fly. Oh yeah and Will is Santa because fuck you.
4. Ties, like Mozes but better.
In the year of 40.000B.V. the world was ruled by niggers and all the white people had to work as slaves and build giant KFCs. One white man, Ties, was sick of all the niggers and their nigger music and nigger clothes. He united all the white people to revolt against the niggers. The niggers got mad because niggers are fucking monkeys without self-control so they started beating up people and stuff u know, all that bad shit. The nigger lord, Tupac ,heard about this cracker stirring up shit in his hood and you know he ain’t gonna take that shit from no one. Tupac banned Ties but Ties was like ‘Ok fuck you i’m taking all white people with me.’ Our lord Ryan wasn’t paying attention because he was playing Europa Universalis 4, when he looked back at the earth he saw all the niggers he was like oh fuck, until he noticed ties. He decided to give Ties superpowers. Instead of running like little bitch like Mozes did, Ties fought back against the niggers. He abducted the niggers and made beheading videos and put them on the internet. The niggers got a big ass nigger army and decided to attack Ties, but then Gandalf appeared just like in the second Lord Of The Rings movie, holy fuck that shit was epic, it made my dick hard as fuck. But then the niggers had like elephants and dinosaurs because the dinosaurs were still pissed off cuz they weren’t allowed on Will’s sleigh. But then Ties used his magic ‘Expand Dong’ superpower and fucked all their faces and they died from AIDS. The niggers got mad because he killed their animals so they were all like:’yo nigga wtf u doing killin all my bitches and shit yo swag worldstar hiphop truuuuuuuuuu xDDDDD’ Ties decided to use his super power that Ryan gave him to give all the niggers cancer so they died and the whites reigned supreme, just like it is meant to be.
5. The birth of Bruno.
Once upon a time in the city of Pyongyang there was a poor Korean farmer called James, he lived together with his wife, the virgin Flojo. They worked very hard but one day Flojo got pregnant, which was amazing because he’s a fucking virgin. Their house got burned down because they bought McSjors’s mixtape,which is fire. Flojo was about to give birth but now they didn’t have a place to do all that shit. They travelled around the land until they found a Papa John’s, they went in and their super majestic, sexy as fuck baby ,called Bruno was born. In the meantime 3 kings were also doing some shit in Korea, I don’t know why, like Korea sucks fucking dicks but ok. The 3 kings, Bash, Tom and David saw a magical hitmarker in the sky, they followed the hitmarker hoping to find MLG Island, but they ended up at Papa John’s. They went in and saw the majestic baby. They decided to give the baby gifts and stuff because it was so majestic. The first king, David, gave the baby some doritos. The second king, Tom, gave a bottle of mtn dew. The third and most powerful king, Bash, gave the kid cancer, which was fucking rad.