Thread: I'm back.

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  1. #1
    Xenocide's Avatar
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    I'm back.

    Well, as some of you may or may not know or even care, I've been away for a while due to some serious life issues.
    I guess it's only fair that I share some of it in hopes that you guys will understand, or once again, not care.

    I'm not going to go into too deep with this, so I'll just skim the top off for you.

    It's been a rough few months now which have led me to totally drop off the face of the earth, I have barely been using my computer and I've been spending most of my days in fetal position.

    Why? Well, after having shit piled on top of more shit I reached my limit. My glass went from half full to implosion.
    Again, why? A few months back I lost my beloved dog and I never got a chance to say goodbye to it, it was my best friend, take that as you will.
    I miss him and I will never forgot him, shortly after that his brother died from depression. That made me even more depressed than I normally am.

    Mind you, this was a few months ago and I never recovered, they both died within the span of two weeks.

    I also had a birthday a while back (November), already being held down by previous issues I found out that my grandfather had passed away, on my birthday.
    Happy birthday..

    So I thought, well, it's just uphill from here for once, I was going to the doctor about my psychological issues, got some medication for it and went to pick them up.
    I thought to myself, "Well, maybe this is my chance" - It was not, I got home and started cleaning so that the misses wouldn't have to, trying to be helpful you know?
    I cleaned very well and she was just blankly staring at me like I was a fucking lunatic, after I was done she said we needed to talk.

    So I sat down and asked what was up, without dwelling into this more than I have to, she fucking dumped me.
    She sat there, let me finish up the cleaning and then just plain out dumped me.
    I can tell you all that I'm not one to take this badly to a breakup either, I normally just move on, there's more fish in the ocean etc. etc.
    But this just tore my inside to shreds, I didn't know what to feel, I died inside.
    The classic, she told me that she thought we didn't work out but that she still loved me and all that.
    I just sat the discombobulated thinking, seriously? Wtf, I actually laughed straight out hysterically, a first for me.
    Don't know what to say more about that, I sat for several hours in the shower because it's soothing.

    So, now I was also homeless. Once again, thanks.
    I talked to a friend about my situation and he took me in, I slept on his couch for about a month.
    This is where all my "fun" began, having lost several parts of my family in such a short timespan I felt like I didn't even care anymore, I always end up with this shit anyway. I took some of my pills to ease my anxiety so that I might try to begin living again, stupidly enough, I also drank 12 glasses of whine.
    Nothing to it, I went to bed and a few hours later I woke up could barely breathe, I figured I had been drinking too much, so I went to get a glass of water and then went back to bed, shortly there after my heart started racing in 210bpm (Fictional number, but you get the point), I couldn't breathe, could barely see let alone walk, so I fumbled my way to his bathroom without trying to wake them up, I was sweating so profusely that it literally poured off my body, LITERALLY.
    Tried puking with no avail, I shoved my fingers down my throat to try and get the alcohol and medication out, I was boiling.
    I swear, I thought I was going to die.
    The first thought that came to my head was "Well, shit, I still have a lot of crap to do, I can't die yet.." instantly followed by "You know what? I don't fucking care, if this is how I'm going to feel it'd be a relief".

    So after not having successfully gotten anything out I turned on the shower to cool off, then I couldn't feel anything so I put on some warmer water, figuring I was cold and if I didn't, I'd get sick as well.
    I passed out after a few minutes, woke up by vomit bursting out of me like a pressure washer, with the water still running, freezing cold, so fucking stiff and sore that I can't describe it with words. I could finally at least breathe a little, turned it off, finished up and went back to bed.

    The day after I spoke to my mom about my situation and how all my money had gone towards medication and trying to get by, I needed some financial help, she bursted out in tears telling me that she feels horrible and that she can't help me, she wished that she could.
    Turns out that my brother have been convicted of something that I'm not at liberty to speak of, he's now forced into psychological healthcare and that they are forced to drive him around and since he's a minor they have to pay for it, my parents are now in debt to the state, I was enraged to hear what had happened and how sick everything is out that and that it comes to show that you can't fucking trust anyone.
    I managed to calm her down after twenty minutes of crying, I then asked how everything else was back home.
    She again bursts out in tears and explains that my grandma is semi-suicidal and that she feels like she has got nothing left to live for.
    My family is now falling apart and I'm the one trying to hold it together.

    A few days after this previous minor incident I figured that it had been a stupid idea to drink while having taken my medication, so you don't have to call me out, I'm aware of it.
    It's once again night, still sleeping on my friends couch, I was brushing my teeth 3AM when suddenly I lost the sensation in my left arm, I was like "Umm, ok.." then my eyesight started to fail, so did my breathing again - It didn't stop there, I suddenly lost the sensation in the left side of my face followed by the left leg.
    I started convulsing and shaking like fuck, so I fumbled into my friends and his girlfriends room where I collapsed shaking on the floor.
    I was literally trying my hardest to breathe so that I can tell them to help me, oddly enough I spoke English, which they are not as good at as me leading to newly awoken confusion. I said: "I think I'm having a stroke! *trying to breathe*, fucking help me, I can't breathe, I'm having a stroke or a seizure!"
    After about two minutes I managed to squeeze out PLEASE DEAR GOD, FUCKING DRIVE ME TO THE ER!

    Being rushed to the ER 3AM. While there it turns out that it was a seizure caused by panic anxiety, luckily enough it wasn't a stroke and they said it isn't dangerous.
    But to my knowledge, not being able to breathe will in the long run kill you.

    The day after that I had to visit a mental health clinic to follow up on my issue, I'm now pretty heavily medicated, but not heavily enough.
    I'm angry, sad and quite frankly hysterical.
    But laughing and crying at the same time is better than seizures, speaking of which, I had one two days ago, I have them almost daily.
    I was in the shower when I suddenly collapsed and once again lost the sensation in the left half of my body, I tried crawling to get my phone to call for help, I managed to get to my phone before passing out naked on the floor for a few hours.

    I also shattered a tooth, it broke my economy completely, I haven't had any food at all for over a week and I just recently got some but the bills for the hospital and all the medication I need have utterly destroyed it.

    It's good to be back.

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  4. #3
    iSmexy's Avatar
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    welcome back
    and not much

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    Xenocide's Avatar
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    I doubt it.

    About the page-load, what's going on?
    I know it's not on my end.


  8. #7
    Hugo Boss's Avatar
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    Life is full of regrets. It is full of love. It is full of hate.
    Sometimes we wish that we could spend more time with our family.
    Sometimes we wish that they would stay with us forever and never leave.
    I understand what you have been through.
    Sometimes you just think that you don't belong. You get stressed. You get depressed.
    Despite all of these negative factors, please do not give up.
    After life, is death. We all know that. I know you lost a family member and your best friends.
    It's a part of the cycle of life. When you are first born, you know that you can't live forever. It's a lesson for all of us. Something we will all experience.
    Your grandfather never left you. Neither did your two dogs. They are still here. Not physically, but they are still in your heart.
    I am sure your grandfather and dogs would want you to keep on going.
    Now, I know that you had a seizure. Many people in the world also do. Probably you may think that you are a ticking time bomb. You aren't.
    Just keep to note that soon everything will be alright. As long as you have hope. If you believe you will be better, then you will be.
    If you believe, you will recover. If you believe you can do something, you will do something. Just believe.
    We all take life for granted. We all don't realize how important life is, until something happens. As a result, we regret. We cry. We bleed.
    As long as you're still here, alive, you will ALWAYS have a chance to do what you want to do. Why? Life will keep throwing you opportunities. At the same time, it will throw you obstacles to get in your way. Just go around them. Once you go around them, think more positive, then you will do whatever you want.

    Just remember, there will always be someone in your life that will be there for you. Whether if it is your parents, grandparents, relative, or friend, just remember.
    Behind the darkest of times, is the brightest thing of them all. There may be dark skies in this world, but further away, is the sun. Just go beyond the dark skies, and reach upon the sun. The sun will always be there for you, for dark skies are just for a moment in life.

    Keep on going @Antipathy and do not give up!

    Please be aware of imposters.
    I do not own a Skype account and I will NEVER contact you outside of MPGH.

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  10. #8
    Scotia's Avatar
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    Welcome back, MPGH is slow as fuck because Dabe jammed a cake in the servers CPU and slowed it down a bunch, nothing that can help it.

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  12. #9
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    I thought my life was bad... shit... This guys had it fucken rough... Just always remember someone has it worse, idk if things will get better for you but theres always hope never give up. I couldn't imagine the pain I lost my aunt 4 years ago she was murdered and my dad when I was 1 even though that was bad you been fcked up hard... Keep going never stop, fight till your last breath. Watch this should help you add my skype timmyturner2012@hotmail.com I wanna talk to you man..



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  14. #10
    Borndel's Avatar
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    missed you man! I'm here to stay still. (not 2 weeks )

    nice to see ya. hope you're better.

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  16. #11
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    Welcome back Antipathy
    I understand your pain, hopefully you get better. If you need any advice or anything please PM me or just drop a visitor message for me bae.
     
    This and only this is my Skype account. Please message me via MPGH and e-mail to verify you are actually talking to me and not an impostor. Failure to do so will put the onus on you if you are scammed.

    Skype: live:y.batoo

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  18. #12
    Thinking is the Enemy of Creativity. It's Self-Conscious, & Anything Self-Conscious is Lousy.
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    @Antipathy, welcome back! I missed you, and damn, that's a lot of shit. I am sorry for all of the shit you've gone through, that's pretty rough, you're a strong person keep it up! I am sure things will get better within time. I have hopes, if I wasn't broke I'd support you with money, I feel bad for your position.

    Glad that you are back though, hope you get well.

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  20. #13
    arunforce's Avatar
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    Sorry man, I'm trying to empathize with you, but reading what you wrote it feels more like you're choosing to go on a self destructive path on your own volition, so I really don't feel sorry for you. :/

    I wish you all the best though.



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  22. #14
    Xenocide's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by arunforce View Post
    Sorry man, I'm trying to empathize with you, but reading what you wrote it feels more like you're choosing to go on a self destructive path on your own volition, so I really don't feel sorry for you. :/

    I wish you all the best though.
    At that point knowingly mixing alcohol and pills, yes.
    After that, no.

  23. #15
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    Well I hope it finally goes uphill from here.
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