Feels like everything I does is beyond trivial now. I think I'm just now grasping the fact that my dog is dead and I didn't get to say goodbye.
I'm as always growing weary about my own existence and I don't quite know what to do, I think that the reason for me being sick isn't because I got infected by something, I think it might be a direct cause of depression.
Everything is just slipping out of my grasp and I don't know what to do with my life, I can't see the light in the end of the tunnel, I don't have any visions or ambitions for the future, I don't know what to do or what I'm going to become.
As I ponder in my own self-pity I can't help but think about death, not that it wasn't something that I don't normally do.
I know nobody really cares, I'm not looking for some pity of any sort, I just felt like I had to write myself off.
Being sad, sick and somehow lonely even though I have a roommate, I feel betrayed, left behind and empty.
I can't numb the emptiness with alcohol, I'm bored with everything, I can't afford getting my hands on anything stronger, so weed is out of the question. Not that I could get my hands on anything anyway - greedy fuckers all around.
Feels like all I do is give give give, even though I have nothing and people just take take and take, never gives anything back.
I'm but a shell of who I used to be, I can't help but think back at times when I thought I was happy and everything turned out to be a lie.
Everyone fucking lies, all the time, why do I even bother. Nothing is ever going to change, it hasn't changed the past 10 years. Why would it begin now, this feeling of utter meaninglessness is sadly going to be my death, not the cancerous sticks that I smoke, the alcohol that shrivels my liver and not the lies people spread. It's the soulcrushing sadness, emptiness and meaningless feeling that I can't fucking shake.
I don't know how I can even pull this statement, I don't wanna be me, but boy, I wouldn't want to be anyone else, almost everyone is beyond fucking pathetic, it's like a hoard of mindless husks moving out towards the edge of the earth to watch it slowly die and perish before them, can't really blame them. I'd welcome the day the earth actually has no resources left, when war breaks out and when the oppressed people rise up and take what they've never had.
This turned out to be a very long monologue, and quite frankly, I have so much more emptiness to spill, it's a black hole.
I miss my dog, I miss the person I used to be, the one that though he was happy, I wish.
I'm going to once again try and numb this sickness and emptiness with alcohol because I don't quite know any other "solution" to my problem, that everyone tells me is temporary, well, I've got news for you, it fucking isn't, I've felt left out and abandoned for so long I've stopped counting the hours I've been awake thinking about how everyone can keep going with their herd mentality, wake up, go to work, fuck about and then go home to bed, rinse repeat.
What happened to the world, I know it's been cold since forever, but jesus fucking christ.
Signing out now, having a long. Sad. Shower.