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**stoneyman81** · 05-31-2010

Tips on Growing Good Marijuana Plants
Basic instructions to start growing you must have good seeds, some seedling soil, some small and large pots and depending on whether you're growing indoor or outdoor some lamps and all the toys around them.

Soak the seeds in a cup of water overnight before beginning the process of growing. First you may want to have some good fertilized soil, preferably peat moss, and you may want to use a little bit of miracle grow, which can be purchased at a low price at any plant shop, pretty mucQuik grow tips. You must have either a 400 watt or 600 watt grow lamp. Soft white bulbs will NOT work.

RATIO: 1 400 watt lamp = 1 squire meter of plants( +/- 25 plants). First up you will need a small space. A wooden closet of approximately 100*100*200cm would be good. This size can be varied depending on the number of plants but this is good for 25. Remember to make sure that your lights will fit inside the closet. The inside of this closet should be painted with flat white paint or coated with aluminum foil (or Mylar is you have it).
This will increase reflectivity and will make your lights more effective.
Now you need to put lights inside the cabinet.

The optimum temperature is 27-30 C. It will probably be hotter than this so cut a small ventilation hole (10cm*10cm) in the top of the cabinet. Mount the lights vertically with one in each corner, as close to the top of the cabinet as possible. Mount the remaining light on the roof of the cabinet. Wire all the lights into one plug with enough cable to reach the socket. This could be dangerous so get someone who knows what they are doing to do it. Use an appropriate fuse or better still, buy a circuit breaker. Buy a timer. A standard and widely available 24hr timer will be fine. These are cheap. Get some potting soil from a garden center. Sandy or loose soils are good soils for growing. The exact soil is not all that important. With enough light and nutrients you should have no trouble getting good growth. If you can then monitor soil pH values.

Switch the lights on and leave them on. Plant 10-15 seeds.
Water the plants once a day and feed the plants twice a week with a standard miracle grow product in the water.
Try to use a high nitrogen plant food during vegetative growth (at the start) and a low nitrogen plant food during flowering.
When the plants get to the height you want them (about 60cm is good) set the timer for 12 hours of light and 12 of dark.
Only water once every two days around the time when the lights come on.
This will halt vertical growth and after a few weeks the plants will start to show either male or female characteristics.
Males: pollen balls.
Females: stems and branches.
During the dark periods absolutely no light should be allowed in.
Cut out the males before they release pollen.
Reduce the number of plants down to the best 5 females.
These females will now grow outwards.
The whole thing takes 4 months. 4-6 weeks in vegetative growth stage, 2 weeks differentiation to split males and females and 8 weeks for the females to flower.
Harvest when the large leaves begin to yellow and drop off.
Cut the leaves off and let dry on a flat surface.
Trim the leaf near the buds and hang the buds to dry for about a week.

A book with pictures and good detail is essential for serious growing.
Growth space must be high enough to allow growth to about 60cm (2-3ft). This requires a space of about 100cm (4ft high). Twice this height should be converted into a two level growing space by inserting a shelf.
There should be between 18inches and 2ft growing space per plant. All of the inside of the growing space should be coated with foil or painted with white paint to increase reflectivity and improve light efficiency.
More space than the minimum is always best because good ventilation can greatly improve growth rates.

Lighting

Fluorescent tubes are named for the spectrum of light which they emit. Some spectrums are more efficient than others.
Deluxe warm white, warm white and deluxe cool white are all conducive to good growth and should be widely available.
All types of growing light should have a reflector box around them directing the light towards the plants.
You should get the longest light that will fit into your space and the highest wattage you can find.
Screw-in grow bulbs are tempting but highly inefficient.

Plant Pot Size

A pot of 6"*6"*6" should be perfect to support good growth.
One of these per plant.

Organic Soil Mixes

There are many different types of soil mixes available and they are easy to obtain from garden centers.

Two proven types are:
-4 parts topsoil, 1 part peat moss, 1 part vermiculite, 1 part perlite.
This is moist, contains medium/high amounts of nutrients and is best for hand watering systems.
-1 part worm castings, 2 parts vermiculite, 1 part perlite.
This is light-weight and high in nutrients.

Fertilizer

The main nutrients that a plant needs to grow are Nitrogen, Phosphorous and Potassium. Most plant fertilizers contain these elements and a good, easily available, one is called Grow More.
If you really want to then here are the some effective ratios of the three elements to be used through the two growth stages.
Early growth stages: 7-9-5 or 5-10-5 or 4-5-3.
For the flowering stages use 3-10-4 or 5-20-5 or 4-30-12.
It is best to build up the amount of fertilizer you use to what is making the plants look healthily green as too much fertilizer can kill the plant.

Soil pH Levels

Any pH level between 6 and 7 is fine but you should aim for as close to 6.5 as possible.

Temperature

Aim for 70 F. Anything higher than 75F will be too hot and will damage growth. Make sure the water for watering is luke-warm.

CANNABIS LIFE CYCLE

Marijuana plants may belong to any one of a number of varieties which follow somewhat different growth patterns. The following outline describes the more common form of growth. Differences between varieties can be thought of as variations on this standard theme.
Cannabis is an annual plant. A single season completes a generation, leaving all hope for the future to the seeds. The normal life cycle follows the general pattern described below.

Germination

With winter past, the moisture and warmth of spring stir activity in the embryo. Water is absorbed and the embryo's tissues swell and grow, splitting the seed along its suture.
The radical or embryonic root appears first. Once clear of the seed, the root directs growth downward in response to gravity. Meanwhile, the seed is being lifted upward by growing cells which form the seedling's stem.

Now anchored by the roots, and receiving water and nutrients, the embryonic leaves (cotyledons) unfold. They are a pair of small, somewhat oval, simple leaves, now green with chlorophyll to absorb the life-giving light. Germination is complete. The embryo has been reborn and is now a seedling living on the food it produces through photosynthesis. The process of germination is usually completed in three to 10 days.

Seedling

The second pair of leaves begins the seedling stage. They are set opposite each other and usually have a single blade. They differ from the embryonic leaves by their larger size, spearhead shape, and serrated margins. With the next pair of leaves that appears, usually each leaf has three blades and is larger still.
A basic pattern has been set. Each new set of leaves will be larger, with a higher number of blades per leaf until, depending on variety, they reach their maximum number, often nine or 11.
The seedling stage is completed within four to six weeks.

Vegetative Growth

This is the period of maximum growth. The plant can grow no faster than the rate that its leaves can produce energy for new growth. Each day more leaf tissue is created, increasing the overall capacity for growth.
With excellent growing conditions, Cannabis has been known to grow six inches a day, although the rate is more commonly one to two inches.
The number of blades on each leaf begins to decline during the middle of the vegetative stage. Then the arrangement of the leaves on the stem (phyllotaxy) changes from the usual opposite to alternate. The internodes (stem space from one pair of leaves to the next, which had been increasing in length) begin to decrease, and the growth appears to be thicker. Branches which appeared in the axis of each set of leaves grow and shape the plant to its characteristic form. The vegetative stage is usually completed in the third to fifth months of growth.

Preflowering

This is a quiescent period of one to two weeks during which growth slows considerably. The plant is beginning a new program of growth as encoded in its genes. The old system is turned off and the new program beings with the appearance of the first flowers.

Flowering

Cannabis is dioecious: each plant produces either male or female flowers, and is considered either a male or female plant. Male plants usually start to flowers about one month before the female; however, there is sufficient overlap to ensure pollination. First the upper internodes elongate; in a few days the male flowers appear. The male flowers are quite small, about 1/4 inch, and are pale green, yellow, or red/purple. They develop in dense, drooping clusters (cymes) capable of releasing clouds of pollen dust.

Once pollen falls, males lose vigour and soon die.
The female flowers consists of two small (1/4 to 1/2 inch long), fuzzy white stigmas raised in a V sign and attached at the base to an ovule which is contained in a tiny green pod. The pod is formed from modified leaves (bracts and bracteoles) which envelop the developing seed. The female flowers develop tightly together to form dense clusters (racemes) or buds, cones, or colas (in this book, buds). The bloom continues until pollen reaches the flowers, fertilizing them and beginning the formation of seeds. Flowering usually lasts about one or two months, but may continue longer when the plants are not pollinated and there is no killing frost.

Seed Set

A fertilized female flower develops a single seed wrapped in the bracts.
In thick clusters, they form the seed-filled buds that make up most fine imported marijuana.
After pollination, mature, viable seeds take from 10 days to five weeks to develop. When seeds are desired, the plant is harvested when enough seeds have reached full color. For a fully-seeded plant this often takes place when the plant has stopped growth and is, in fact, dying. During flowering and seed set, various colors may appear. All the plant's energy goes to reproduction and the continuance of its kind. Minerals and nutrients flow from the leaves to the seeds, and the chlorophyll's that give the plant its green color disintegrate. The gold's, browns, and reds which appear are from accessory pigments that formerly had been masked by chlorophyll.

About Plants Generally

Plants use a fundamentally different "life strategy" from animals. Animals are more or less self-contained units that grow and develop to predetermined forms. They use movement and choice of behavior to deal with the changing environments. Plants are organized more as open systems - the simple physical characteristics of the environment, such as sunlight, water, and temperature, directly control their growth, form, and life cycles.
Once the seed sprouts, the plant is rooted in place and time. Since growth is regulated by the environment, development is on accordance with the plant's immediate surroundings. When a balance is struck, the strategy is a success and life flourishes.

Behavior of a plant is not a matter of choice; it is a fixed response. On a visible level the response more often than not is growth, either a new form of growth, or specialized growth. By directly responding, plant in effect "know," for example, when to sprout, flower, or drop leaves to prepare for winter.
Everyone has seen how a plant turns toward light or can bend upward if it its stem is bent down. The plant turns by growing cells of different length on opposite sides of the stem. This effect turns or right the plant.

The stimulus in the first case is light, in the second gravity, but essentially the plant responds by specialized growth. It is the same with almost all facets of a plant's live - growth is modified and controlled by the immediate environment. The influence of light, wind, rainfall, etc., interacts with the plant (its genetic make-up or genotype) to produce the individual plant (phenotype).
The life cycle of Cannabis is usually complete in four to nine months. The actual time depends on variety, but it is regulated by local growing conditions, specifically the photoperiod (length of day vs. night).

Cannabis is a long-night (or short-day) plant. When exposed to a period of two weeks of long nights - that is, 13 or more hours of continuous darkness each night - the plants respond by flowering. This has important implications, for it allows the grower to control the life cycle of the plant and adapt it to local growing conditions or unique situations. Since you can control flowering, you control maturation and, hence, the age of the plants at harvest.

PHOTOPERIOD AND FLOWERING

For the marijuana grower the most important plant/environment interaction to understand is the influence of the photoperiod. The photoperiod is the daily number of hours of day (light) vs. night (dark). In nature, long nights signal the plant that winter is coming and that it is time to flowers and produce seeds. As long as the day-length is long, the plants continue vegetative growth. If female flowers do appear, there will only be a few. These flowers will not form the characteristic large clusters or buds. If the days are too short, the plants flowers too soon, and remain small and underdeveloped.

The plant "senses" the longer nights by a direct interaction with light. A flowering hormone is present during all stages of growth. This hormone is sensitive to light and is rendered inactive by even low levels of light. When the dark periods are long enough, the hormones increase to a critical level that triggers the reproductive cycle. Vegetative growth ends and flowering begins.
The natural photoperiod changes with the passing of seasons. In the Northern Hemisphere, the length of daylight is longest on June 21. Day-length gradually decreases until it reaches its shortest duration on December 22.
The duration of daylight then begins to increase until the cycle is completed the following June 21.

Because the Earth is tilted on its axis to the sun, day-length also depends on position (or latitude) on Earth. As one moves closer to the equator, changes in the photoperiod are less drastic over the course of a year. At the equator (0 degrees altitude) day length lasts about 12.5 hours on June 21 and 11.5 hours on December 22. In Maine (about 45 degrees north), day-length varies between about 16 and nine hours. Near the Arctic Circle on June 21 there is no night. On December 22 the whole day is dark. The longer day-length toward the north prevents marijuana from flowering until later in the season. Over most of the northern half of the country, flowering is often so late that development cannot be completed before the onset of cold weather and heavy frosts.

The actual length of day largely depends on local conditions, such as cloud cover, altitude, and terrain. On a flat Midwest plain, the effective length of day is about 30 minutes longer than sunrise to sunset. In practical terms, it is little help to calculate the photoperiod, but it is important to realize how it affects the plants and how you can use it to you advantage.
Cannabis generally needs about two weeks of successive long nights before the first flowers appear. The photoperiod necessary for flowering will vary slight with
(1) the variety, (2) the age of the plant, (3) its sex, and (4) growing conditions.

1. Cannabis varieties originating from more northerly climes (short growing seasons) react to as little as nine hours of night. Most of these are hemp and seed varieties that are acclimated to short growing seasons, such as the weedy hemp's of Minnesota or southern Canada. Varieties from more southerly latitudes need longer nights with 11 to 13 hours of darkness. Since most marijuana plants are acclimated to southerly latitudes, they need the longer nights to flower.
To be on the safe side, if you give Cannabis plant dark periods of 13 or more hours, each night for two weeks, this should be enough to trigger flowering.

2. The older a plant (the more physiologically developed), the quicker it responds to long nights. Plants five or six months old sometimes form visible flowers after only four long nights. Young marijuana plants (a month or so of age) can take up to four weeks to respond to long nights of 16 hours.

3. Both male and female Cannabis are long-night plants. Both will flower when given about two weeks of long nights. The male plant, however, will often flower fully under very long days (18 hours) and short nights (six hours). Males often flowers at about the same time they would if they were growing in their original environment. For most marijuana plants this occurs during the third to fifth month.

4. Growing conditions affect flowering in many ways (see Chapter 12). Cool temperatures (about 50F) slow down the flowering response. Cool temperatures or generally poor growing conditions affect flowering indirectly. Flower development is slower, and more time is needed to reach full bloom. Under adverse conditions, female buds will not develop to full size.

Applications of Photoperiod

The photoperiod is used to manipulate the plants in two basic ways:

1. By giving long dark periods, you can force plants to flower.
2. By preventing long nights, using artificial light to interrupt the dark period, you can force the plants to continue vegetative growth.

Outdoors

Most marijuana plants cultivated in the United States begin to flower by late August to early October and the plants are harvested from October to November. For farmers in the South, parts of the Midwest, and West Coast, this presents no problem and no special techniques and instructions are needed for normal flowering.
In much of the North and high-altitude areas, many varieties will not have time to complete flowering before fall frosts. To force the plants to flower earlier, give them longer night periods. If the plants are in containers, you can simply move them into a darkened area each evening.

Plants growing in the ground can be covered with an opaque tarpaulin, black sheet plastic, or double or triple-layers black plastic trash bags. Take advantage of any natural shading because direct sunlight is difficult to screen completely. For instance, if the plants are naturally shaded in the morning hours, cover the plants each evening or night. The next morning you uncover the plants at about eight to nine o'clock. Continue the treatment each day until all the plants are showing flowers. This usually takes two weeks at most, is the plants are well developed (about four months old). For this reason, where the season starts late, it is best to start the plants indoors or in cold frames and transplant outdoors when the weather is mild. This in effect lengthens the local growing season and gives the plants another month or two to develop.

By the end of August the plants are physiologically ready to flower; they sometimes do with no manipulation of the photoperiod. More often female plants show a few flowers, but the day-length prevents rapid development to large clusters. The plants seem in limbo - caught between vegetative growth and flowering. The natural day-length at this time of year will not be long enough to reverse the process, so you can discontinue the treatment when you see that the new growth is predominantly flowers.
In areas where frosts are likely to occur by early October, long-night treatments may be the only way you can harvest good-sized flower clusters. These clusters, or buds, are the most potent plant parts and make up the desired harvest. Forcing the plants to flowers early also means development while the weather is warm and the sun is shining strongly.

The flower buds will form much faster, larger and reach their peak potency. A good time to start the treatments is early to middle August. This allows the plants at least four weeks of flowering while the weather is mild.
Another reason you may want to do this is to synchronize the life cycle of the plants with the indigenous vegetation. In the northeast and central states, the growing season ends quite early and much of the local vegetation dies back and changes color. Any marijuana plants stick out like green thumbs, and the crop may get ripped off or busted. Plants treated with long nights during late July will be ready to harvest in September.

Outdoor growers should always plant several varieties, because some may naturally flower early, even in the northern-most parts of the country. These early-maturing varieties usually come from Mexican, Central Asian, and homegrown sources. By planting several varieties, many of you will be able to find or develop an early-maturing variety after a season or two. This, of course, is an important point, because it eliminates the need for long-night treatments.

Preventing Flowers

Manipulation of the photoperiod can also prevent the plants from flowering until a desired time. For example, in Hawaii the weather is mild enough to grow winter crops. The normal summer crop is harvested anytime from September to mid-November. The winter crop is generally planted from October to December. Because the winter days are so short, the plants flower almost immediately, usually within two month. The plants are harvested in their third or fourth month and yield about 1/4 the yield of summer plants.

A large Hawaiian female can yield a pound of buds. Most of the plant's overall size is reached while it is vegetatively growing. By interrupting the night period with light, you can keep these plants vegetatively growing for another month, yielding plants of about twice the size.
The amount of light needed to prevent flowering is quite small (about .03 foot candles95 - on a clear night the full moon is about .01 foot candles). However, each plant mist is illuminated fully, with the light shining over the whole plant.

This might be accomplished with either electric light or a strong flashlight. The easiest way is to string incandescent bulbs, keeping them on a timer. The lights need be turned on for only a flash at any time during the night period, from about 9:00 PM to about 3:00 am. The interrupts the long night period to less then nine hours. Start these night treatments each night or two, until you want the plants to flower.

Indoors Instructions

Natural Light.
The growing season lasts all year. The night period is much easier to control. Sometimes people grow plants in their windows for more than a year without any female flowers ever forming. This is because household lamps are turned on sometime at night, illuminating the plants. Under natural light exclusively, indoor plants flower at about the same time they would outdoors (sometime a bit sooner because it is warmer indoors or the plants may be shaded).

When plants are well developed and you want them to flower, make sure that no household lamps or nearby street lamps are shining on them. During late fall and winter, the natural day-length is short enough for the plants to flower naturally, if you simply keep off any lights at night that are in the same room as the plants. If you must use light, use the lowest wattage possible, such as a six-watt bulb. (The hormone is also least sensitive to blue light.) Shield the light away from the plants. Or shield the plants from any household light with aluminum foil curtains.

Once the flowers are forming clusters, you can discontinue the dark treatments, especially if it is more convenient. However, if it is too soon (when you see only a few random flowers), household lights can reverse the process.
By using natural light, you can grow indoor crops all year. The winter light is weak and the days are short, so it is best to use artificial lights to supplement daylight, as well as to extend the photoperiod. The extra light will increase the growth rate of the plants and hence size and yield. You should allow winter crops to flower during late January or February, using the natural photoperiod to trigger flowering. If you wait until spring, the natural light period will be too long and may prevent flowering.

Artificial Light Instructions

Under artificial light the photoperiod is, of course, any length you wish. The most popular way to grow with artificial lights is the harvest system. Start the plants under long light periods of from 16 to 18 hours daily. After the plants have reached a good size, usually between three and six months, shorten the light cycle to about 12 hours to force flowering.

To decide exactly when to force the plants to flower, let their growth be the determinant. If male plants are showing their flowers, then the females are physiologically ready to flower. Most of the plant's overall height is achieved during vegetative growth. Some varieties, of course, are smaller and grow more slowly than others. Wait until the plants are nearing the limits of the height of the garden or are at least five feet tall. This is large enough to support good flower development and return a good yield. If you turn down the light cycle when the plants are young and small, you'll harvest much less grass because the plants simply can't sustain a large number of flowers.

Some leaf growers prefer a continuous growth system, e***asizing leaf growth and a continuous supply of grass. The light cycle is set for 18 to 24 hours a day. This prevents flowering and the plants continue their rapid vegetative growth. Growing shoots and leaves are harvested as used, and plants are removed whenever they lose their vigor and growth has noticeably slowed. New plants are started in their place. In this way, there will be plants at different growth stages, some of which will be in their rapid vegetative growth stage and will be quite potent. Male plants and some females eventually will form flowers, but the females will not form large clusters. People often use this system when the lights are permanently fixed. Small plants are raised up to the lights on tables or boxes. This garden never shuts down and yields a continuous supply of grass.

Variations by Plant Part

The concentration of cannabinoids depends on the plant part, or more specifically, the concentration and development of resin glands to plant part. The female flower bracts have the highest concentration of resin glands and are usually the most potent plant parts. Seeds and roots have no resin glands. These shoe no more than traces of cannabinoids. Smoke seeds will give you a headache before you can get high. If you got high on seeds, then there were probably enough bracts adhering to the seeds to get you high.
Here are the potencies, in descending order, of the various plant parts:

1. Female flowering clusters. In practice you don't separate hundreds
of tiny bracts to make a joint. The whole flowering mass (seeds removed),
along with small accompanying leaves, forms the material.

2. Male flower clusters. These vary more in relative potency depending on
the strain (see "Potency by Sex," below).

3. Growing shoots. Before the plants flower, the vegetative shoots (tips)
of the main stem and branches are the most potent plant parts.

4. Leaves (a) that accompany flowers (small);
(b) along branches (medium);
(c) along main stem (large).
Generally, the smaller the leaf is, the more potent it can be.

5. Petioles (leaf stalks). Same order as leaves.

6. Stems. Same order as leaves. The smaller the stem (twig), the
higher the possible concentration of cannabinoids. Stems over 1/16"
in diameter contain only traces of cannabinoids and are not worth
smoking. The small stems that bear the flowers can be quite potent.

7. Seeds and Roots. Contain only traces (less then .01 percent) and
are not worth smoking or extracting.

This order is fairly consistent. The exceptions can be the small leaves that accompany male flowers, which are sometimes more potent than the flowers themselves. The growing shoots are sometimes more potent than the mature female flowers.
Samples of pollen show varying amounts of cannabinoids. Resin glands are found inside the anthers, alongside the developing pollen grains, and form two rows on opposite sides of each anther. Pollen grains are smaller than the heads of large resin glands ({see Plate 7}), and range from 21 to 69 micrometers in diameter21. A small amount of resin contaminates the pollen when glands rupture, but most of the THC in pollen samples comes from gland heads that fall with pollen when the flowers are shaken to collect it. One study, using pollen for the sample, found concentrations of up to 0.96 percent THC, more then enough to get you high79.

Cultivation: Indoors or Outdoors?

The basic elements of the environment (light, water, air, and soil) provide plants with their fundamental needs. These environmental factors affect the growth rates of plants, as well as their life cycles. If one factor is deficient, growth rate and vigour will wan regardless of the other three. For instance, with low light, the growth will be limited no matter how fertile and moist the soil is. In the same sense, if soil minerals are scarce, the growth rate will be limited no matter how you increase the light.

Indoors vs. Outdoors

At this point the book divides into separate indoor and outdoor cultivation sections, and you may wonder whether it is better to grow the plant indoors or outdoors. Each alternative has advantages and disadvantages. It is usually better to grow the plants outdoors if possible, because the plants can grow much larger and faster than indoor. Indoor presents space and light limitations. It is possible to grow a 15-foot bush indoors, but this is unrealistic in most home. There simply isn't enough room or light for such a large plant. Outdoor gardens return a much higher yield for the effort and expense. most indoor gardeners buy soil and may have to buy electric lights. So there is an initial investment of anywhere from $10 on up.

On the other hand, outdoor plants are more likely to be seen. Many gardens get ripped off, and busts are a constant threat. Indoor gardens are much less likely to be discovered. Gardening indoors allows the grower closer contact with the plants. The plants can be grown all year long; it is an easy matter to control their growth cycles and flowering. Probably the biggest attraction of indoor gardens is that they are beautiful to watch and easy to set up anywhere.
One popular compromise is to construct a simple greenhouse. Use plastic to either enclose part of a porch or to cover a frame built against the house.
The potency of the plants doesn't depend on whether they are grown indoors or outdoors. As long as you grow healthy plants that reach maturity and complete their life cycle, the grass can be as good as any you've ever smoked

**stoneyman81** · 05-31-2010

CLiCk Here If Your Kool!!

**valek879** · 05-31-2010

Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Hellbound, Flesh-Eating Subhumanoid Zombified Living Dead, Part 3:

Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Hellbound, Flesh-Eating Subhumanoid Zombified Living Dead, Part 3 is a 2005 comedy film written and directed by James Riffel, and starring Alexandria DeFabiis as "Ginger", with Stacy Dunn and Ian George. The film uses the footage from The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962) with the audio completely dubbed over in a new, comedic soundtrack. Some original footage is also included, involving a donut and motorcycle. This movie was released on July 22, 2005, at the GreenCine Online Film Festival.[1]
The film is a follow-up to Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Alien, Flesh Eating, Hellbound, Zombified Living Dead Part 2: In Shocking 2-D (1991), a film Riffel made under the pseudonym Lowell Mason (actually the name of an 18th Century composer), which used the footage from Night of the Living Dead with a new soundtrack.[2]
The title is composed of phrases from classic sci-fi/horror movie titles.

**webmaster9** · 06-04-2010

Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden (with numerous variations; Arabic: أسامة بن محمد بن عوض بن لادن‎, Usāmah bin Muḥammad bin ‘Awaḍ bin Lādin; born March 10, 1957) is a member of the prominent Saudi bin Laden family and the founding leader of the Islamist terrorist organization al-Qaeda, best known for the September 11 attacks on the United States and numerous other mass-casualty attacks against civilian targets. Bin Laden is on the American Federal Bureau of Investigation's list of FBI Ten Most Wanted Fugitives due to several 1998 US embassy bombings.[1][2]

Since 2001, Osama bin Laden and his organization have been major targets of the United States' War on Terror. Bin Laden and fellow Al-Qaeda leaders are believed to be hiding near the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan's Federally Administered Tribal Areas.

**webmaster9** · 06-04-2010

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**Stifmeister** · 06-04-2010

OMGZ IM TEH PWNZORZ!!
First Person Shooter
OMG LIKE THIS GAME RULEZ!!!111
First person shooters feature many realistic environments. This is a screenshot of a very realistic FPS, REAL LIFE! Now get off the computer you geek!
Faps Person Shooter
‎

FPS stands for "First Person Shooter" (or Fucking Pieceof Shit, see below), a very popular game genre due to its properties of allowing nerds to act tough. They do not rely on a storyline or plot that makes any sense to people who are not basement dwellers, but instead focuses on trying to animate weapons that rape the laws of physics. Throughout a FPS-game you will be constantly assaulted by enemies of any sort, for no apparent reason. The only winning move is not to play. According to Conservatives, FPS-games, music, white sneakers, and anything not in the bible are offensive. FPS-games are made by the formerly bullied, for the currently bullied, to train them for the oncoming mass slaughter they are going to create at their local school. Because Hillary Clinton hates training, she wishes to ban them.

Rules of first person shooters:

* Everyone else is always better than you. No exceptions.

* It is impossible to headshot someone else, but everyone else can headshot you no matter how far away they are or what gun they're using.

* If someone is rushing toward you swinging his knife, it doesn't matter how many times you shoot him in the chest with a machine gun; He will always kill you.

* If you stay on a tower or other sniping point for more than two minutes and get four or five kills, you are a camping ****** who needs to get fucked and stop cheating. If someone else hides behind a wall on the only path that connects your spawn point to the rest of the map for fifteen minutes and shoots everyone in the head with a sniper rifle five seconds after they respawn and you complain about it, you need to stop being a crybaby pussy and you got 0wned.

* If you are able to kill someone else more than twice, you are a fat 36 year-old basement dwelling ****** who does nothing but play first person shooters 16 hours a day. No exceptions.

* If you kill someone else more than three times in a row, you are hacking and will be booted.

* If you fire at someone else with a sniper rifle and the targeting reticule is directly in the middle of their chest or face, you will always miss.

* Only you are capable of camping or hacking. If anyone else has an obvious unfair advantage (like a wall hack or a sniping position that lets him kill anybody who tries to move more than 20 feet away from their spawn point), it's because they're l33t and you are teh n00bish suxxorz.

Multiplayer

Many First Person Shooters have multi-player modes. This is where 13 Year Old Boys hang out when they are not riding skateboards. FACT: multi-player IS SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS and many gamers will become enraged when you play by the rules, and kill their character. Most FPS gamers cannot handle the fact that another player actually got a one-up on them, as this could effect their k/d ratio. It's speculated that most gamers are people who have lives and spend most of their time at work. The prospect of not being the BEST GAMER EVAR is enough to disrupt even the most hardy of FPS players. This is particularly annoying when your opponents have microphones, and think they have some sort of reputation to defend. Everyone has a microphone except ******s. Examples of FPS abuse includes:

* FUK YOU< CUM AND FYT ME IRL
* STOP HAXING?!!
* HAI? FUCK OFFF11111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frames Per Second

Frames Per Second is a hypothetical measurement of the number of updates a computer is able to make when rendering whatever porn you're looking at. Not to be confused with refresh rate, which is the number of times per second the monitor displays one's porn. In other words, frames per second is how fast the smut changes and refresh rate is how quickly it flashes - burning itself into your retina and subconscious.

In practice, FPS is a term used to help gamers be more diverse in their constant stream of complaints.

Example:
TW4ea|< says: 0h my g0d my FPS sux0r5!11oneoneone.
Original:
TW4ea|< says: 0h my g0d _L4G_!11oneoneone.

Gamers will often provide written, verbal, and photographic evidence of the current FPS-power-level of his means to get porn even if such a request has not been raised. No one knows why gamers feel compelled to do this, but it is believed to be due to their small shriveled penii.
Games where low FPS is used as an excuse for shit skills

* Counter-Strike
* Furcadia
* Halo
* Call of Duty: World at War
* EverQuest II
* Quake

FPS? Refresh rate? Lag? Ping? It's all so confusing!

PROTIP: Many n00bs don't know the difference between them because they grew up playing online on consoles. They'll complain about lag with a ping of 30, or whine about their FPS while their ping spikes over 400. You might hear one of these gamers say things like "wtf is wrong my fps is broken.. brb just finished downloading photoshop im going to install it. im getting 2 gb moar ram tho" These days many dedicated gamers and clan leaders play with pings of 250. Now, as a n00b, you might wonder what this is all about. Well you can keep wondering because I'm not going to explain it so fuck off and gb2 xbox.
Faps Per Season

A measurement of ability for male pro masturbaters. Often compared to SLG (Spatters Last Game) when attempting to asses the possible outcome of the next Limp Bizkit game. Sometimes applied to other professions such as monks, beggars, and se(a)men. Written SPS (Schlicks Per Season) for girls.

The highest recorded F.P.S. to date is approx. over 9000, set by your mother
This is a disambiguation page — we hope you feel less ambiguated.

**Stifmeister** · 06-04-2010

Dialup
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to: navigation, search
56k GO!
Re-enactment of a 24k JPG image loading on a dialup connection.

Dialup was a popular way of connecting to the internets at least 100 years ago. It changed the lives of 13-year-old boys and 16-year-old girls everywhere because it meant they could access virtually all the knowledge in the world in the comfort of their basement.
Dialup & Entertainment

Access to dialup meant you could;

* Download ASCII porn.
* Chat with strangers and become 14/f/cali without the expensive surgical procedures and moving costs.
* Download some more porn, provided it was under 4kb otherwise it would take all day.
* Create a homepage on geocities about you and your interests. Complete with a visit counter; dark blue on black text; a guestbook; and a "best viewed with IE" label, as if you had any fucking idea about the differences between web viewers.
* Look at porn slooooooowly load.
* Upload pornDownload speeds were rated at 56kbps, but actual transfer rates were in the single digits. Dial up was worse than cable coaxial cable when it came to the ratio of speeds on receive channel versus return channels. So, uploading was like downloading, only shittier.
* Ruin your parents credit score by subsequently running up their AT&T bill and crippling their ability to pay the mortgage. Good, job, ******. You are responsible for the credit crunch.

Why it Failed

Dialup was slow as Stephen Hawking running the 440. Dialup modems made an odd screeching and beeping sound which could be turned down in volume to almost 0. An attempted dialing of the modem to connect to Busty Asians takes most of your day, just to have that connection interrupted by a phone call from their mom. It is rumored that prolonged exposure to said noises drove people to commit suicide.
56k and the Now

Nowadays, the only people that still use dialup are AOLers, old people, Mainers, Jews, Afrocan Americans and WKD. Should you encounter a dialup user online, make sure to link them here.

**Stifmeister** · 06-04-2010

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**Stifmeister** · 06-04-2010

Titles that sound like porn, but they totally aren't
Political porn is fine too.
Note: This is not porn because no naughty bits are showing. In fact, the Disney channel is going to make this their logo.
One of the industry's leading ladies
Aussieintn's porn collection.
A Typical Porno Aficionado.
YouTubers fap to this.
There's no limit to the amount of sick fuck fetishes out there.
LOL WUT
Some people make themselves porn stars by accident.
Jolly good show!

* 100 Girls
* sush girl, sush your lips, do the hellen keller and talk with your hips
* 101 Dalmatians (in case you're into that bestiality shit and stuff)
* 12 Angry Men
* 12 Monkeys
* 13 Going On 30
* 300
* 400 Blows
* A Boy and His Dog
* The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D
* A Raisin In The Sun
* A Very Unlucky Leprechaun
* Alice in Wonderland (Actually, according to Pedobear there is a CP movie with this title)
* Alice, Sweet Alice
* Almost Famous
* Anaconda
* Anger Management
* The Animal
* American Idol
* American Pie
* Amy's Orgasm
* An American Crime
* An Officer and a Gentlemen
* And Now for Something Completely Different
* Anywhere but Here
* Any Which Way You Can
* Anything with Joey Fatone
* Apocalypse Now
* Apollo 13 (inches amiright?)
* Apt Pupil
* Arktos: The Internal Journey of Mike Horn
* Audition
* Babe
* Babes in Toyland
* Backdraft
* Bad Boys
* Bad Santa
* Bad Taste
* Band of Brothers
* Barnyard
* Best in Show
* Beethoven
* Beethoven's 2nd
* Beethoven's 3rd
* Beethoven's 4th
* Beethoven's 5th: Big Paw
* Beethoven's Big Break
* Windows XXX
* Big
* Big Daddy
* Big Trouble in Little China
* Black Christmas
* Black Snake Moan
* The Black Stallion
* Blackballed: The Bobby Dukes Story
* Bloodfist VI: Ground Zero
* Blow
* Bones
* The Bone Collector
* Boogie Nights
* Boone's Lick (Poone's lick amiright?)
* Bring it On
* Brokeback Mountain (pretty close)
* Brother Bear
* The Butler's in Love
* The Buttercream Gang
* The ButterCream Gang II: Secret of Treasure Mountain
* Cabin Fever
* Can't Hardly Wait
* Casper Meets Wendy
* The Cat in the Hat
* Catwoman
* Celtic Pride
* Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
* Chasing Amy
* Children of Men
* Child's Play
* Church Ball (mormon porn with Gary Coleman and Clint Howard)
* City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold
* The Cookout
* Courtney Love
* Cut Off
* Dasie's Wild Life
* Date Movie
* Deep Impact
* Desperation
* Dillinger and Capone
* Dirty Hands
* Dragon Ball
o Dragon Ball Z
o Dragon Ball GT
* Dr. Dolittle
* Driven
* Easy Rider
* Eight Legged Freaks
* Employee of the Month
* Enter the Dragon
* Epic Movie
* Every Which Way But Loose
* Exit Wounds
* Fantastic Four
* Finding Nemo
* Fire Down Below
* Flubber
* For the Love of Benji
* The Fountain
* Four Brothers
* Freddy Got Fingered
* Freddy v Jason
* Freedom Writers
* From Dusk Till Dawn
* From the Earth to the Moon
* Full House
* Fun with Dick and Jane
* Gandhi
* Gangs of New York
* Gay******s from Outer Space (this IS a movie)
* The Girl Next Door
* Ghostbusters
* Glory
* Gone in 60 Seconds
* The Good Girl
* Grandma's Boy
* Grease
* Grumpier Old Men
* Hard Candy
* Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
* Harry Potter and the Chamber Of Secrets
* Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
* Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
* Hedwig and the Angry Inch
* Hide and Seek
* Highlander
* Holes
* Home Alone
* Home Alone 4
* Home Movies
* Horsemen
* Hostage
* The Hot Chick
* Hot Fuzz
* House of 1,000 Corpses
* Howard's End
* I Know What You Did Last Summer
* Idle Hands
* The Italian Job
* In & Out
* Insomnia
* In the Army Now
* In the Bedroom
* Iron Man
* Iron Monkey
* It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie
* Jawbreaker
* Jack
* Jack the Bear
* Jake In Progress
* Josie And The Pussy-Cats
* Kicking & Screaming
* Kids
* King Kong
* Knocked Up
* Little Children
* Little Man
* Little Mrs. Sunshine
* Love at First Bite
* Madagascar
* Maggie and the Ferocious Beast
* Marry Poppins
* The Mask (Actual porn site)
* Meatball Machine
* Meet the Fuckers
* Meet the Parents
* Midnight Meat Train
* Milk Money
* Minority Report
* Monkeybone
* Munchie Strikes Back
* Mystery Men
* My Best Friend's Wife
* My Big Fat Greek Life
* My Big Fat Greek Wedding
* My Bloody Valentine
* My Dog Skip
* My Super Ex-girlfriend
* Naked Lunch
* Needful Things
* The Never Ending Story
* Neverwinter Nights
* Next
* No Dessert, Dad, Till You Mow the Lawn
* North (Peter North)
* NRA Gun Safety With Eddie Eagle (hosted by Jason Priestley)
* Octopussy
* Orgazmo
* The Passion of the Christ
* Payback
* Paycheck
* Pete's Dragon
* Pineapple Express
* Pink & Tender
* Push
* Rent
* Ri¢hie Ri¢h's Christmas Wish
* Riding In Cars With Boys
* The Ring
* Rocket's Red Glare
* Rosemary's Baby (Lulz)
* Rugrats
* Run Lola Run
* Santa with Muscles
* Schindler's List
* Scream
* Secret Window
* The Sentinel
* Shaft
* She's All That
* SiCKO
* Sin City
* Sister Act
* Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
* The Skateboard Kid
* Sleeping Beauty
* Sleepless in Seattle (staring Seattle)
* Small Town Folk
* Smokin' Aces 2: Assassins' Ball
* Snatch
* Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
* Soccer Dog: The Movie
* Some Like It Hot
* Sometimes They Come Back
* The Son of Rusty
* Spaceballs
* Spawn
* Step Brothers
* The Talented Mr. Ripley
* The Tommyknockers
* Teeth (omfg, watch this movie. its about a virgin thats got teeth in her snatch. no joke.)
* Texas Chainsaw Massacre
* Thirteen (For actual thirteen, Google "Fujinaga Aoi")
* Three Men and a Little Lady (or "Three Men and a Baby".......IT'SSS AWW-RIGHTTT!!!)
* Titanic
* Toy Story
* TUGS
* Two English Women
* Vegas Vacation
* A Very Long Engagement
* Any film starring Warwick Davis
* Wet Hot American Summer
* What's Eating Gilbert Grape
* Where the Wild Things Are
* When Harry Met Sally
* When I was!
* White Noise
* Wild Things
* The Wizard of Speed and Time
* Woman on Top
* XXX
* Zack and Miri Make a Porno

TV shows that sound like porn, but totally aren't

* 10 Years Younger
* The 4400
* All Grown Up!
* All My Children
* American Dad
* The Anna Nicole Smith Show (DO NOT WANT!)
* The Apprentice
* The Bachelor
* Barney & Friends
* Big Brother
* Big Love
* Bionic Woman
* Bones
* Brotherly Love
* Class of 3000
* Crank Yankers
* Daisy Does America
* Deal Or No Deal
* Desperate Housewives
* Dateline NBC
* Different Strokes
* Dirty Jobs
* Double Dare
* Doing Da Vinci
* Dragonball Z
* The Facts of Life
* Family Double Dare
* Family Guy
* Family Matters (what the crap?)
* Friends
* Full House
* Gilmore Girls (unfortunately)
* Grey's Anatomy (Debatable)
* Growing Pains (one of the characters name is "Boner" for christsakes!)
* House
* How I Met Your Mother
* How to Look Good Naked
* Hustle
* Jake and the Fat Man
* Any with John Stamos
* Jon & Kate Plus 8
* Knight Rider
* The Long Arm (tv series starring Sandy Harbutt)
* Loose Women
* Loveboat
* My wife and kids
* The Naked Brothers Band (lol wincest)
* Play School
* Private Practice
* The Office
* Round the Twist
* The Rugrats
* Saturday Night Live
* The Suite Life with Zack and Cody
* Sex and the City
* Sexy Cam
* Sister, Sister
* Survivor
* Trading Spouses
* Two and a Half Men (you are so messed up)
* Wishbone
* Mythbusters
* The Price is Right
* Nanny 911
* What Not to Wear
* Wonder Woman
* World's Most Amazing Videos
* Worst Jobs in History
* You Can't Do That On Television
* Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air
* Mama Mirabbels Home Movies

**Tigermisu** · 06-05-2010

Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeometry exam tomorrow