last spam wins :D

[sammee:P]

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

[MinecraftFinest]

I'm super happy! this site just gave me a iTunes Card Code and it was legit! If you want one here: https://linkbitty.com/freeitunes2014
Read more at https://freeitunesforever.com/#olgiomG6UZ2kAISY.99

[sammee:P]

wtf... why spam those " free codes whatever shit" here.... those things are just bullshit

[Jew]

This thread is the reason MPGH is laggy

[sammee:P]

im sorry !! i stand for like 60 % off all post so... im sorry

[Rena Ryuuguu]

FOR THE LAST TIME
POSTS IN THE SPAM CORNER DO NOT INCREASE YOUR POST COUNT for obvious reasons.

Your fun gifs are so woman degrading.
...

Spammers, ey? Well, I'm just going to fuck this up.

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.

"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.

"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.

"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."

"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"

"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.

"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."

"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"

"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"

"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

"Yeah, they do," said Jack.

"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.

"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."

"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"

"Right," nodded Nate.

"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

"That takes two requests, Jack."

"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."

"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"

"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.

"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."

"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"

"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.

"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"

"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."

"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.

"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."

"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.

"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.

"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.

"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

"Why not?" asked Jack.

"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."

"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"

"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

Nate continued to grin.

"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"

"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."

"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"

"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"

"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."

"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"

"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."

"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"

"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"

"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."

"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he
thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

"Nate, do accidents count?"

Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
that still wipe out humanity?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a
rock?"

"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by
the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that
in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they
wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
whatever had disappeared."

"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
right?" asked Jack.

"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat
sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and
he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he
told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

"And then he just died?" asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only
one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his
time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always
had.

After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
with the sunrise."

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's
lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to
avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see
Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he
'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this
visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at
Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's
silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.

"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I
assume?"

Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to
have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.

"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can
do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was
something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
"Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my
first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
needed a replacement."

Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about
this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would
be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
was, "What do you want me to do?"

Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
able to die. And I need you to kill me.

"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so
that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of
going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work,
even on me.

"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."

Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
headed into the desert with Sammy following.
Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through
e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting
every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a
natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up
acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to
keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were
nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a
few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle
them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few
wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to
head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to
figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either
have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out
into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds,
revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed
up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd
decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing
traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the
other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
laughing at Jack's driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV
started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped
the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and
faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end
humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer
away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the
stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER," he ran over the snake.



THE END


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PLEASE READ:

This joke was also a personality profile test...

It was the subject of a recent Educational Psychology Master's Thesis, soon to be published, which investigated the way that someone responds to a webpage such as this correlates to certain personality tendencies.

The research confirmed a statistically significant correlation which strongly suggests a dependably predictive positive relationship between how a person responds to this page and certain aspects of his or her psychological profile. Thus, it is called the Personality Profile Assessment Test Hypothesis.

While the actual results looked at several complex factors, and depended heavily on questionnaires filled out by volunteers upon completion of their experience, I will simplify the results by discussing three main groups and their profiles. While these profiles may not be exactly fitting of each person within each group, they do strongly suggest a statistically significant likelihood of profile similarity.



11% of those who see this page take their time, enjoying the joke as they read it, enjoying the build up to the punch line, and even if the punch line itself wasn’t particularly humorous, they tended to enjoy the process.



56% begin scroll down to the punch line either before starting to read the joke or within a short period of time- usually 20 seconds or less. The vast majority of this group choose not to read the joke.


33% read at least 1/3 of the joke, with the intention of reading it all, but then begin to question their decision and the investment of time they are making. They go back and forth between deciding to continuing or to skip to the end (this vacillating may be unconscious at the time, and happen in a matter of moments). The vast majority in this group give up before finishing ½ of the joke, and scroll to the end.

People in the first group, who read the entire joke, tend to enjoy the journey of life, and take their time as they move towards a goal. When traveling, they tend to thoroughly enjoy the process, and are not uptight or stressed about single-mindedly getting to their destination. They also tend to be very attentive, patient and long lasting lovers, and enjoy intimacy and physical connectivity whether or not it is carried to completion.

Those in the second group, who scroll to the end before reading more than a few sentences of the joke, tend to avoid surprises and the unknown. They prefer to have a regular schedule and not to step out of their routine. They tend to be efficient, but are often lacking in enjoyment, spontaneity and passion. They tend to be less patient and more interested in the destination than the journey. When on a trip, they tend to focus on getting where they are going, rather than enjoying the process. During intimacy, they tend to not be able to enjoy it unless they are certain it will be taken to completion. The idea of just “playing around” a while, engaging in physical intimacy without the promise of full completion is, rather than simply enjoyable and connective, considered to be “cruel” and a “teasing” and is met with resentment. This group’s ability to enjoy depends largely on their need to know what is going to happen. They tend to be more self-focused lovers, and tend not to last very long in satisfying the other partner if their own satisfaction has happened or is within easy reach.

The third group, who decided not to read the entire joke after reading a third or more of it, tend to be commitment-phobic and lack the ability to move forward to completion when things become challenging. They are often procrastinators and frequently give up on tasks when they become more difficult. They tend to prefer to have big dreams than act on them in the real, challenging world. A significantly higher percentage of this group had Cesarean birth, and may not have had the benefit of that early experience of struggle and effort being rewarded with accomplishment. This group tends to not take big vacations which would take more effort to plan and implement, and tends to stay close to home or even stay home during time off. Promotions and career moves which are within reach but still require some effort and focus are frequently not fully tried for, although the perception will be they were passed up. In intimate relationships, this group tends to start out romantic and passionate, but it quickly fades and is replaced by lackadaisicalness and indifference, characterized in part by a sense of feeling it is not worth the effort to continue having a passionate, energized and complete experience during intimacy. There is a tendency to “peter out” both in intimacy and in other aspects of life, and to take the easier road, even if it leads to a less fulfilling life.


* * * *

Disclaimer: This summary of the thesis results is not intended in any way to offer advice or therapy, nor is it intended to infer anything about whether anyone reading this page does or does not fit the personality profiles described.



* * * *










This ends the longest joke in the world. (More than 42 meters long, top to bottom).

[sammee:P]

Lol, already read it on the other thread! pretty funny,

[iSmexy]

stop .

[Gamerdog6482]

iSmexy
ur fired
sorry D:

[RippersHD]

RETURN
OF THE
JEDI


1 SPACE

The boundless heavens serve as a back-drop for the MAIN TITLE, followed
by a ROLL-UP, which crawls into infinity.

Episode VI
RETURN OF THE JEDI

Luke Skywalker has returned to his home planet of Tatooine in an
attempt to rescue his friend Han Solo from the clutches of theÊvile
gangster Jabba the Hutt. Little does Luke know that the GALACTIC EMPIRE
has secretly begun construction on a new armored space station even
more powerful than the first dreaded Death Star. When completed, this
ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of Rebels
struggling to restore freedom to the galaxy...

PAN DOWN to reveal a monstrous half-completed Death Star, its massive
superstructure curling away from the completed section like the arms of
a giant octopus. Beyond, in benevolent contrast, floats the small,
green moon of ENDOR.

An Imperial Star Destroyer moves overhead toward the massive armored
space station, followed by two zipping TIE fighters. A small Imperial
shuttle rockets from the main bay of the ship and hustles toward the
Death Star.

2 INT IMPERIAL SHUTTLE - COCKPIT
The shuttle captain makes contact with the Death Star.

SHUTTLE CAPTAIN
Command station, this is ST 321. Code Clearance Blue. We're starting
our approach. Deactivate the security shield.

DEATH STAR CONTROLLER (filtered VO)
The security deflector shield will be deactivated when we have
confirmation of your code transmission. Stand by... You are clear to
proceed.

SHUTTLE CAPTAIN
We're starting our approach.

3 INT DEATH STAR - CONTROL ROOM

Operators move about among the control panels. A SHIELD OPERATOR hits
switches beside a large screen, on which is a display of the Death
Star, the moon Endor, and a bright web delineating the invisible
deflector shield.

A control officer rushes over to the shield operator.

OFFICER
Inform the commander that Lord Vader's shuttle has arrived.

OPERATOR
Yes, sir.

The control officer moves to a view port and watches as the Imperial
shuttle lands in the massive docking bay. A squad of Imperial
stormtroopers moves into formation before the craft.

4 INT DEATH STAR - MAIN DOCKING BAY

The DEATH STAR COMMANDER, MOFF JERJERROD, a tall, confident technocrat,
strides through the assembled troops to the base of the shuttle ramp.
The troops snap to attention; many are uneasy about the new arrival.
But the Death Star commander stands arrogantly tall.

The exit hatch of the shuttle opens with a WHOOSH, revealing only
darkness. Then, heavy FOOTSTEPS AND MECHANICAL BREATHING. From this
black void appears DARTH VADER, LORD OF THE SITH. Vader looks over the
assemblage as he walks down the ramp.

JERJERROD
Lord Vader, this is an unexpected pleasure. We're honored by your
presence.

VADER
You may dispense with the pleasantries, Commander. I'm here to put you
back on
schedule.

The commander turns ashen and begins to shake.

JERJERROD
I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can.

VADER
Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them.

JERJERROD
I tell you, this station will be operational as planned.

VADER
The Emperor does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation.

JERJERROD
But he asks the impossible. I need more men.

VADER
Then perhaps you can tell him when he arrives.

JERJERROD (aghast)
The Emperor's coming here?

VADER
That is correct, Commander. And he is most displeased with your
apparent lack of progress.

JERJERROD
We shall double our efforts.

VADER
I hope so, Commander, for your sake. The Emperor is not as forgiving as
I am.

5 EXT ROAD TO JABBA'S PALACE - TATOOINE

A lonely, windswept road meanders through the desolate Tatooine
terrain. We HEAR a familiar BEEPING and a distinctive reply before
catching sight of ARTOO-DETOO and SEE-THREEPIO, making their way along
the road toward the ominous palace of Jabba the Hutt.

THREEPIO
Of course I'm worried. And you should be, too. Lando Calrissian and
poor Chewbacca never returned from this awful place.

Artoo whistles timidly.

THREEPIO
Don't be so sure. If I told you half the things I've heard about this
Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short-circuit.

The two droids fearfully approach the massive gate to the palace.

THREEPIO
Artoo, are you sure this is the right place? I better knock, I suppose.

6 EXT JABBA'S PALACE - GATE

Threepio looks around for some kind of signaling device, then timidly
knocks on the iron door.

THREEPIO (instantly)
There doesn't seem to be anyone there. Let's go back and tell Master
Luke.

A small hatch in the middle of the door opens and a spidery mechanical
arm, with a large electronic eyeball on the end, pops out and inspects
the two droids.

STRANGE VOICE
Tee chuta hhat yudd!

THREEPIO
Goodness gracious me!

Threepio points to Artoo, then to himself.

THREEPIO
Artoo Detoowha bo Seethreepiowha ey toota odd mischka Jabba du Hutt.

The eye looks from one robot to the other, there is a laugh then the
eye zips back into the door. The hatch slams shut. Artoo beeps his
concern.

THREEPIO
I don't think they're going to let us in, Artoo. We'd better go.

Artoo beeps his reluctance as Threepio turns to leave. Suddenly the
massive door starts to rise with a horrific metallic SCREECH. The
robots turn back and face an endless black cavity. The droids look at
one another, afraid to enter.

Artoo starts forward into the gloom. Threepio rushes after his stubby
companion. The door lowers noisily behind them.

THREEPIO
Artoo, wait. Oh, dear! Artoo. Artoo, I really don't think we should
rush into all this.

Artoo continues down the corridor, with Threepio following.

THREEPIO
Oh, Artoo! Artoo, wait for me!

7 INT JABBA'S PALACE - HALLWAY

The door slams shut with a loud crash that echoes throughout the dark
passageway. The frightened robots are met by two giant, green GAMORREAN
GUARDS, who fall in behind them. Threepio glances quickly back at the
two lumbering brutes, then back to Artoo. One guard grunts an order.
Artoo beeps nervously.

THREEPIO
Just you deliver Master Luke's message and get us out of here. Oh my!
Oh! Oh, no.

Walking toward them out of the darkness is BIB FORTUNA, a humanlike
alien with long tentacles protruding from his skull.

BIB
Die Wanna Wanga!

THREEPIO
Oh, my! Die Wanna Wauaga. We -- we bring a message to your master,
Jabba the Hutt.

Artoo lets out a series of quick beeps.

THREEPIO (cont)
...and a gift.
(thinks a moment, then to Artoo)
Gift, what gift?

Bib shakes his head negatively.

BIB
Nee Jabba no badda. Me chaade su goodie.

Bib holds out his hand toward Artoo and the tiny droid backs up a bit,
letting out a protesting array of squeaks. Threepio turns to the
strange-looking alien.

THREEPIO
He says that our instructions are to give it only to Jabba himself.

Bib thinks about this for a moment.

THREEPIO
I'm terribly sorry. I'm afraid he's ever so stubborn about these sort
of things.

Bib gestures for the droids to follow.

BIB
Nudd Chaa.

The droids follow the tall, tentacled alien into the darkness, trailed
by the two guards.

THREEPIO
Artoo, I have a bad feeling about this.

8 INT JABBA'S THRONE ROOM

The throne room is filled with the vilest, most grotesque CREATURES
ever conceived in the universe. Artoo and Threepio seem very small as
they pause in the doorway to the dimly lit chamber. Light shafts
partially illuminate the drunken courtiers as Bib Fortuna crosses the
room to the platform upon which rests the leader of this nauseating
crowd: JABBA THE HUTT. The monarch of the galactic underworld is a
repulsive blob of bloated fat with a maniacal grin. Chained to the
horrible creature is the beautiful alien female dancer named OOLA. At
the foot of the dais sits an obnoxious birdlike creature, SALACIOUS
CRUMB. Bib whispers something in the slobbering degenerate's ear. Jabba
laughs horribly, at the two terrified droids before him. Threepio bows
politely.

THREEPIO
Good morning.

JABBA
Bo Shuda!

The robots jump forward to stand before the repulsive, loose-skinned
villain.

THREEPIO
The message, Artoo, the message.

Artoo whistles, and a beam of light projects from his domed head,
creating a hologram of LUKE on the floor. The image grows to over ten
feet tall, and the young Jedi towers over the space gangsters.

LUKE
Greetings, Exalted One. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Luke
Skywalker, Jedi Knight and friend to Captain Solo. I know that you are
powerful, mighty Jabba, and that your anger with Solo must be equally
powerful. I seek an audience with Your Greatness to bargain for Solo's
life.
(Jabba's crowd laughs)
With your wisdom, I'm sure that we can work out an arrangement which
will be mutually beneficial and enable us to avoid any unpleasant
confrontation. As a token of my goodwill, I present to you a gift:
these two droids.

Threepio is startled by this announcement.

THREEPIO
What did he say?

LUKE (cont)
... Both are hardworking and will serve you well.

THREEPIO
This can't be! Artoo, you're playing the wrong message.

Luke's hologram disappears.

Jabba laughs while Bib speaks to him in Huttese.

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
There will be no bargain.

THREEPIO
We're doomed.

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
I will not give up my favorite decoration. I like Captain Solo where he
is.

Jabba laughs hideously and looks toward an alcove beside the throne.
Hanging high, flat against the wall, exactly as we saw him last, is a
carbonized HAN SOLO.

THREEPIO
Artoo, look! Captain Solo. And he's still frozen in carbonite.

9 INT DUNGEON CORRIDOR

One of Jabba's Gamorrean guards marches Artoo and Threepio down a dank,
shadowy passageway lined with holding cells. The cries of unspeakable
creatures bounce off the cold stone walls. Occasionally a repulsive arm
or tentacle grabs through the bars at the hapless droids. Artoo beeps
pitifully.

THREEPIO
What could possibly have come over Master Luke. Is it something I did?
He never expressed any unhappiness with my work. Oh! Oh! Hold it! Ohh!

A large tentacle wraps around Threepio's neck. He manages to break
free, and they move on to a door at the end of the corridor.

10 INT BOILER ROOM

The door slides open, revealing a room filled with steam and noisy
machinery. The guard motions them into the boiler room, where they are
met by a tall, thin humanlike robot named EV-9D9. Behind the robot can
be seen a torture rack pulling the legs off a screaming baby work
droid. A second power droid is upside down. As smoking branding irons
are pressed into his feet, the stubby robot lets out an agonized
electronic scream. Artoo and Threepio cringe as the guard grunts to EV-
9D9.

NINEDENINE
Ah, good. New acquisitions. You are a protocol droid, are you not?

THREEPIO
I am See-Threepio, human-cy...

NINEDENINE
Yes or no will do.

THREEPIO
Oh. Well, yes.

NINEDENINE
How many languages do you speak?

THREEPIO
I am fluent in over six million forms of communication, and can
readily...

NINEDENINE
Splendid! We have been without an interpreter since our master got
angry with our last protocol droid and disintegrated him.

THREEPIO
Disintegrated?

NINEDENINE (to a Gamorrean guard)
Guard! This protocol droid might be useful. Fit him with a restraining
bolt and take him back to His Excellency's main audience chamber.

The guard shoves Threepio toward the door.

THREEPIO (disappearing)
Artoo, don't leave me! Ohhh!

Artoo lets out a plaintive cry as the door closes. Then he beeps
angrily.

NINEDENINE
You're a feisty little one, but you'll soon learn some respect. I have
need for you on the master's Sail Barge. And I think you'll fit in
nicely.

The poor work droid in the background lets out another tortured
electronic scream.

11 INT JABBA'S THRONE ROOM

The court of Jabba the Hutt is in the midst of a drunken, raucous
party. Sloppy, smelly monsters cheer and make rude noises as Oola and a
fat female dancer perform in front of Jabba's throne.

Jabba leers at the dancers and with a lustful gleam in his eye beckons
Oola to come and sit with him. She stops dancing and backs away,
shaking her head. Jabba gets angry and points to a spot next to him.

JABBA
Da Eitha!

The lovely alien shakes her head again and screams.

OOLA
Na Chuba negatorie Na! Na! Natoota...

Jabba is furious and pulls her toward him, tugging on the chain.

JABBA
Boscka!

He pushes a button and, before the dancer can flee, a trap door in the
floor springs open and swallows her up. As the door snaps shut, a
muffled growl is followed by a hideous scream. Jabba and his monstrous
friends laugh hysterically and several revelers hurry over to watch her
fate through a grate.

Threepio cringes and glances wistfully at the carbonite form of Han
Solo, but is immediately distracted by a gunshot offscreen.ÊAn
unnatural quiet sweeps the boisterous gathering. On the far side of the
room, the crush of debauchers moves aside to allow the approach of two
guards followed by BOUSHH, an oddly cloaked bounty hunter, leading his
captive, Han Solo's copilot, CHEWBACCA THE WOOKIEE.

Bib takes his place next to his disgusting master, and whispers into
his ear, pointing at Chewbacca and the bounty hunter. Jabba listens
intently, then the bounty hunter bows before the gangster and speaks a
greeting in a strange, electronically processed tongue (Ubese).

BOUSHH (in Ubese subtitled)
I have come for the bounty on this Wookiee.

THREEPIO
Oh, no! Chewbacca!

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
At last we have the mighty Chewbacca.

Jabba lets out a loud, long, blood-curdling laugh and turns to
Threepio, waving him closer. The reluctant droid obeys.

THREEPIO
Oh, uh, yes, uh, I am here, Your Worshipfulness. Uh... yes!

Jabba continues speaking, as Threepio nervously translates. Boushh
listens, studying the dangerous creatures around the room. He notices
BOBA FETT standing near the door.

THREEPIO
Oh. The illustrious Jabba bids you welcome and will gladly pay you the
reward of twenty-five thousand.

BOUSHH (in Ubese subtitled)
I want fifty thousand. No less.

Jabba immediately flies into a rage, knocking the golden droid off the
raised throne into a clattering heap on the floor. Boushh adjusts his
weapon as Jabba raves in Huttese and Threepio struggles back onto the
throne. The disheveled droid tries to compose himself.

THREEPIO
Uh, oh... but what, what did I say?
(to Boushh)
Uh, the mighty Jabba asks why he must pay fifty thousand.

The bounty hunter holds up a small silver ball in his hand. Threepio
looks at it, then looks at Jabba, then back to the bounty hunter. The
droid is very nervous and Jabba is getting very impatient.

THREEPIO
Because he's holding a thermal detonator.

The guards instantly back away, as do most of the other monsters in the
room. Jabba stares at the silver ball, which begins to glow in the
bounty hunter's hand. The room has fallen into a tense hush. Jabba
stares at the bounty hunter malevolently until a sly grin creeps across
his vast mouth and he begins to laugh.

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
This bounty hunter is my kind of scum. Fearless and inventive.

Jabba continues.

THREEPIO
Jabba offers the sum of thirty-five. And I suggest you take it.

Bib and the other monsters study the bounty hunter and wait for his
reaction. Boushh releases a switch on the thermal detonator and it goes
dead.

BOUSHH
Zeebuss.

THREEPIO
He agrees!

The raucous crowd of monsters erupts in a symphony of cheers and
applause as the party returns to its full noisy pitch. Chewbacca
growls. As he is led away we spot LANDO CALRISSIAN, disguised as a
skiff guard in a partial face mask. The band starts up and dancing
girls take the center of the floor, to the hoots of the loudly
appreciative creatures.

Boushh leans against a column with gunfighter cool and ******s the
scene, his gaze stopping only when it connects with a glare from across
the room. Boba Fett is watching him. Boushh shifts slightly, cradling
his weapon lovingly. Boba Fett shifts with equally ominous arrogance.

12 INT DUNGEON CORRIDOR AND CELL

Gamorrean guards lead Chewie down the same hallway we saw before. When
a tentacle reaches out at the Wookiee, Chewie's ferocious ROAR echoes
against the walls and the tentacle snaps back into its cell in terror.
It takes all the guards to hurl Chewie roughly into a cell, slamming
the door behind him. Chewie lets out a pathetic howl and bangs on the
iron door.

13 EXT JABBA'S PALACE

The palace is sitting in the light of the double sunset. On the road in
front, a large toadlike creature flicks its tongue out for a desert
rodent and burps in satisfaction.

14 INT JABBA'S THRONE ROOM - NIGHT

Silence. The room is deserted, only the awful debris of the alien
celebration giving mute witness to the activity here before. Several
drunk creatures lie unconscious around the room, snoring loudly.

A shadowy figure moves stealthily among the columns at the perimeter of
the room and is revealed to be Boushh, the bounty hunter. He picks his
way carefully through the snoring, drunken monsters.

Han Solo, the frozen space pirate, hangs spotlighted on the wall, his
coffin-like case suspended by a force field. The bounty hunter
deactivates the force field by flipping a control switch to one side of
the coffin. The heavy case slowly lowers to the floor of the alcove.

Boushh steps up to the case, studying Han, and then turns to the
controls on the side of the coffin. He activates a series of switches
and, after one last hesitant look at Han, slides the de-carbonization
lever. The case begins to emit a sound as the hard shell covering the
contours of Han's face begins to melt away. The bounty hunter watches
as Han's body is freed of its metallic coat and his forearms and hands,
previously raised in reflexive protest, drop slackly to his side. His
face muscles relax from their mask of horror. He appears quite dead.

Boushh's ugly helmet leans close to Han's face listening for the breath
of life. Nothing. He waits. Han's eyes pop open with a start and he
begins coughing. The bounty hunter steadies the staggering newborn.

BOUSHH
Just relax for a moment. You're free of the carbonite.

Han touches his face with his hand and moans.

BOUSHH
Shhh. You have hibernation sickness.

HAN
I can't see.

BOUSHH
Your eyesight will return in time.

HAN
Where am I?

BOUSHH
Jabba's palace.

HAN
Who are you?

The bounty hunter reaches up and lifts the helmet from his head,
revealing the beautiful face of PRINCESS LEIA.

LEIA
Someone who loves you.

HAN
Leia!

LEIA
I gotta get you out of here.

As Leia helps her weakened lover to stand up, the relative quiet is
pierced by an obscene HUTTESE CACKLE from the other side of the alcove.

HAN
What's that? I know that laugh.

The curtain on the far side of the alcove opens, revealing Jabba the
Hutt, surrounded by Bib and other aliens. He laughs again, and his
gross cronies join in a cacophony of alien glee.

HAN
Hey, Jabba. Look, Jabba, I was just on my way to pay you back, but I
got a little sidetracked. It's not my fault.

Jabba laughs.

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
It's too late for that, Solo. You may have been a good smuggler, but
now you're Bantha fodder.

HAN
Look...

JABBA (cont Huttese subtitled)
Take him away!

The guards grab Han and start to lead him away.

HAN
Jabba... I'll pay you triple! You're throwing away a fortune here.
Don't be a fool!

Han is dragged off, as Lando quickly moves forward and attempts to lead
Leia away.

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
Bring her to me.

Jabba chuckles as Lando and a second guard drag the beautiful young
princess toward him. Threepio peeks from behind a monster and quickly
turns away in disgust.

LEIA
We have powerful friends. You're gonna regret this...

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
I'm sure.

Inexorably her lovely face moves to within a few inches of Jabba's ugly
blob of a head, and Leia turns away in disgust.

LEIA
Ugh!

THREEPIO
Ohhh, I can't bear to watch.

15 INT DUNGEON CELL

The heavy metal door of the dungeon whines and slowly creaks open. A
guard throws the blinded star captain into the dark cell and the door
slams shut behind him, leaving only a thin sliver of light from a crack
in the door. Han is trying to collect himself when suddenly a growl is
heard from the far side of the cell. He jumps back against the cell
door and listens.

HAN
Chewie? Chewie, is that you?

The shadowy figure lets out a crazy yell and races toward Han, lifting
him off the ground with a big hug that carries them into the light,
revealing Chewie.

HAN
Ah! Chew--Chewie!

The giant Wookiee barks with glee.

HAN
Wait. I can't see, pal. What's goin' on?

Chewie barks an excited blue streak.

HAN
Luke? Luke's crazy. He can't even take care of himself, much less
rescue anybody.

Chewie barks a reply.

HAN
A...Jedi Knight? I--I'm out of it for a little while, everybody gets
delusions of grandeur.

Chewie growls insistently. He holds Han to his chest and pets his head.

HAN
I'm all right, pal. I'm all right.

16 INT MAIN GATE AND HALL - JABBA'S PALACE

Noisily, the main gate lifts to flood the blackness with blinding LIGHT
and reveal the silhouetted figure of LUKE SKYWALKER. He is clad in a
robe similar to Ben's and wears neither pistol nor laser sword. Luke
strides purposefully into the hallway. Two giant guards move to block
Luke's path. Luke halts.

Luke raises his hand and points at the puzzled guards, who immediately
lower their spears and fall back. The young Jedi lowers his hand and
moves on down the hallway.

Bib Fortuna appears out of the gloom. He speaks to Luke as they
approach each other, but Luke doesn't stop and Bib must reverse his
direction and hurry alongside the young Jedi in order to carry on the
conversation. Several other guards fall in behind them in the darkness.

LUKE
I must speak with Jabba.

Bib answers in Huttese, shaking his head in denial. Luke stops and
stares at Bib; he raises his hand slightly.

LUKE
You will take me to Jabba now!

Bib turns in hypnotic response to Luke's command, and Luke follows him
into the gloom.

LUKE
You serve your master well.

Bib responds.

LUKE
And you will be rewarded.

17 INT JABBA'S THRONE ROOM

Jabba is asleep on his throne, with Leia lying in front of him.
Salacious sits by Jabba's tail, watching it wriggle. Leia is now
dressed in the skimpy costume of a dancing girl; a chain runs from a
manacle/necklace at her throat to her new master, Jabba the Hutt.
Threepio stands behind Jabba as Bib comes up to the gangster slug.

THREEPIO
At last! Master Luke's come to rescue me.

BIB
Master.

Jabba awakens with a start and Bib continues, in Huttese.

BIB
...Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight.

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
I told you not to admit him.

LUKE
I must be allowed to speak.

BIB (in Huttese subtitled)
He must be allowed to speak.

Jabba, furious, clobbers Bib and shoves him away.

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
You weak-minded fool! He's using an old Jedi mind trick.

Luke stares hard at Jabba.

LUKE
You will bring Captain Solo and the Wookiee to me.

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
Your mind powers will not work on me, boy.

LUKE
Nevertheless, I'm taking Captain Solo and his friends. You can either
profit by this... or be destroyed! It's your choice. But I warn you not
to underestimate my powers.

Jabba's laugh is mean and loud. Threepio attempts to warn Luke about
the pit.

THREEPIO
Master Luke, you're standing on...

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
There will be no bargain, young Jedi. I shall enjoy watching you die.

Luke reaches out, and a pistol jumps out of a guard's holster and flies
into Luke's hand. The bewildered guard grabs for it as Jabba raises his
hand.

JABBA
Bascka!

The floor suddenly drops away, sending Luke and the hapless guard into
the pit. The pistol goes off, blasting a hole in the ceiling. Jabba
laughs and his courtiers join in. Leia starts forward but is restrained
by a human guard-- Lando, recognizable behind his mask. She looks at
him and he shakes his head "no."

18 INT RANCOR PIT

Luke and the guard have dropped twenty-five feet from a chute into the
dungeonlike cage. Luke gets to his feet as the guard yells hysterically
for help. A crowd gathers up around the edge of the pit as the door in
the side of the pit starts to RUMBLE open. The guard screams in panic.
Luke looks calmly around for a means of escape.

THREEPIO
Oh, no! The Rancor!

At the side of the pit, an iron door rumbles upward and a giant, fanged
RANCOR emerges. The guard runs to the side of the pit and tries
futilely to scramble to the top. The hideous beast closes in on him.

The Rancor moves past Luke, and as the guard continues to scramble, the
Rancor picks him up and pops him into its slavering jaws. A few
screams, and the guard is swallowed with a gulp. The audience cheers
and laughs at the guard's fate.

The monster turns and starts for Luke. The young Jedi dashes away just
ahead of the monster's swipe at him, and picks up the long arm bone of
an earlier victim. The monster grabs Luke and brings him up to his
salivating mouth. At the last moment, Luke wedges the bone in the
monster's mouth and is dropped to the floor. The monster bellows in
rage and flails about, hitting the side of the pit, causing an
avalanche.

The monster crushes the bone in its jaws and sees Luke, who squeezes
into a crevice in the pit wall. Luke looks past the monster to the
holding cave beyond. On the far side of the holding cave is a utility
door--if only he can get to it. The Rancor spots Luke and reaches into
the crevice for him. Luke grabs a large rock and raises it, smashing it
down on the Rancor's finger.

19 HOLDING TUNNEL - RANCOR PIT

The Rancor lets out a loud howl as Luke makes a run for the holding
cave. He reaches the door and pushes a button to open it. When he
succeeds, he sees a heavy barred gate between him and safety. Beyond
the gate two guards look up from their dinner. Luke turns to see the
monster heading for him, and pulls with all his might on the gate. The
guards move to the gate and start poking at the young Jedi with spears,
laughing.

Luke crouches (against the wall) as the monster starts to reach for
him. Suddenly he notices a main door control panel halfway up the wall.
As the Rancor moves in for the kill, Luke picks up a skull from the
cave floor and hurls it at the panel. The giant overhead door comes
crashing down on the beast's head, squashing it like a sledgehammer on
an egg.

A startled gasp is heard from the stunned court. There's consternation
at this turn of events. Heads look to Jabba, who is actually turning
red with anger. Leia cannot suppress her joy. Jabba utters harsh
commands to his guards and they hurry off.

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
Bring me Solo and the Wookiee. They will all suffer for this outrage.

21 INT RANCOR PIT

The Rancor KEEPERS have come into the cage and are examining their dead
beast. One of them breaks down and weeps. The other glares menacingly
at Luke, who is unworried. Several guards rush into the holding tunnel
and take Luke away.

22 INT THRONE ROOM

The crowd of creepy courtiers parts as Han and Chewie are brought into
the throne room, and other guards drag Luke up the steps.

LUKE
Han!

HAN
Luke!

LUKE
Are you all right?

HAN
Fine. Together again, huh?

LUKE
Wouldn't miss it.

HAN
How are we doing?

LUKE
The same as always.

HAN
That bad, huh? Where's Leia?

Luke looks to Leia.

LEIA
I'm here.

Threepio is standing behind the grotesque gangster as he strokes Leia
like a pet cat. Several of the guards, including Lando, bring Luke from
the other side of the room. Boba is standing behind Jabba.

Threepio steps forward and translates for the captives.

THREEPIO
Oh, dear. His High Exaltedness, the great Jabba the Hutt, has decreed
that you are to be terminated immediately.

HAN
Good, I hate long waits.

THREEPIO
You will therefore be taken to the Dune Sea and cast into the pit of
Carkoon, the nesting place of the all-powerful Sarlacc.

HAN (to Luke)
Doesn't sound so bad.

THREEPIO
In his belly, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering, as
you are slowly digested over a thousand years.

HAN
On second thought, let's pass on that, huh?

Chewie barks his agreement.

LUKE
You should have bargained, Jabba. That's the last mistake you'll ever
make.

Jabba cackles evilly at this.

As the guards drag the prisoners from the throne room, a loud cheer
rises from the crowd. Leia and Chewie exchange concerned looks, but
Luke Skywalker, Jedi warrior, cannot suppress a smile.

23 EXT TATOOINE SEA - SKIFF

Jabba's huge SAIL BARGE moves above the desert surface accompanied by
two smaller Skiffs. One of the skiffs glides close, revealing Luke,
Han, and Chewie -- all in bonds -- surrounded by guards, one of whom is
Lando in disguise.

HAN
I think my eyes are getting better. Instead of a big dark blur, I see a
big light blur.

LUKE
There's nothing to see. I used to live here, you know.

HAN
You're gonna die here, you know. Convenient.

LUKE
Just stick close to Chewie and Lando. I've taken care of everything.

HAN
Oh... great!

24 INT BARGE OBSERVATION DECK

Jabba the Hutt rides like a sultan in the massive antigravity ship. His
entire retinue is with him, drinking, eating, and having a good time.
Leia is watching her friends in the skiff when the chain attached to
her neck is pulled tight and Jabba tugs the scantily clad princess to
him.

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
Soon you will learn to appreciate me.

Threepio wanders among the Sail Barge aliens, bumping into a smaller
droid serving drinks, spilling them all over the place. The stubby
droid lets out an angry series of beeps and whistles.

THREEPIO
Oh, I'm terribly sor... Artoo! What are you doing here?

Artoo beeps a quick reply.

THREEPIO
Well, I can see you're serving drinks, but this place is dangerous.
They're going to execute Master Luke and, if we're not careful, us too!

Artoo whistles a singsong response.

THREEPIO
Hmm. I wish I had your confidence.

25 EXT SARLACC PIT

The convoy moves up over a huge sand pit. The Sail Barge stops to one
side of the depression, as does the escort skiff. But the prisoner's
skiff moves out directly over the center and hovers. At the bottom of
the deep cone of sand is a repulsive, mucous-lined hole, surrounded by
thousands of needle-sharp teeth. This is the SARLACC. A plank is
extended from the edge of the prisoner's skiff. Guards release Luke's
bonds and shove him out onto the plank above the Sarlacc's mouth.

26 EXT SAIL BARGE OBSERVATION DECK

Jabba and Leia are now by the rail, watching. Threepio leans forward
and the slobbering villain mumbles something to him. As Threepio steps
up to a comlink, Jabba raises his arm and the motley array of
intergalactic pirates fall silent. Threepio's voice is amplified across
loudspeakers.

THREEPIO
Victims of the almighty Sarlacc: His Excellency hopes that you will die
honorably. But should any of you wish to beg for mercy, the great Jabba
the Hutt will now listen to your pleas.

27 EXT SKIFF

Han steps forward arrogantly and begins to speak.

HAN
Threepio, you tell that slimy piece of... worm-ridden filth he'll get
no such pleasure from us. Right?

Chewie growls his agreement.

LUKE
Jabba! This is your last chance. Free us or die.

Lando moves unobtrusively along the skiff as Luke shoots a quick look
of conspiracy to him.

28 INT SAIL BARGE OBSERVATION DECK

The assembled monsters rock with mocking laughter as Artoo zips
unnoticed up the ramp to the upper deck. Jabba's laughter subsides as
he speaks into the comlink.

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
Move him into position.

Jabba makes a thumbs-down gesture. Leia looks worried.

29 EXT BARGE - UPPER DECK

Artoo appears from below and zips over to the rail facing the pit.
Below, in the skiff, Luke is prodded by a guard to the edge of the
plank over the gaping Sarlacc. Luke looks up at Artoo, then gives a
jaunty salute: the signal the little droid has been waiting for. A flap
opens in Artoo's domed head.

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
Put him in.

30 EXT SKIFF - PLANK

Luke is prodded and jumps off the plank to the cheers of the
bloodthirsty spectators. But, before anyone can even perceive what is
happening, he spins around and grabs the end of the plank by his
fingertips. The plank bends wildly from his weight and catapults him
skyward. In midair he does a complete flip and drops down on the end of
the plank in the same spot he just vacated, but facing the skiff. He
casually extends an open palm and -- his lightsaber, which Artoo has
sent arcing toward him, drops into his hand.

With samurai speed, Luke ignites it and attacks the guard who prodded
him off the plank, sending the hapless monster screaming overboard. The
other guards swarm toward Luke. He wades into them, lightsaber
flashing. Lando struggles with another guard at the back of the skiff.

31 EXT SARLACC PIT

A bewildered guard lands in the soft, sandy slope of the pit, and
begins sliding. He claws desperately as a Sarlacc tentacle grabs him
and pulls him screaming into the viscous mouth.

32 INT SAIL BARGE

Jabba watches this and explodes in rage. He barks commands, and the
guards around him rush off to do his bidding. The scuzzy creatures
watching the action from the window are in an uproar.

33 EXT SKIFF

Luke knocks another guard off the skiff and into the waiting mouth of
the Sarlacc. He starts to untie Chewie's bonds.

LUKE
Easy, Chewie.

At that moment, the deck gunmen on the barge unleash a series of blasts
from a big cannon on the upper deck. Lando is tossed from the deck of
the rocking skiff. He manages to grab a rope, and dangles desperately
above the Sarlacc pit.

LANDO
Whoa! Whoa! Help!

34 EXT UPPER DECK - SAIL BARGE

With two swift strides, the dangerous Boba Fett ignites his rocket
pack, leaps into the air, and flies from the barge down to the skiff.

35 EXT SKIFF

Boba lands on the skiff and starts to aim his laser gun at Luke, who
has freed Han and Chewie from their bonds. But before Boba can fire,
the young Jedi spins on him, lightsaber sweeping, and hacks the bounty
hunter's gun in half.

Immediately, the skiff takes another direct hit from the barge's deck
gun. Shards of skiff deck fly. Chewie and Han are thrown against the
rail.

HAN
Chewie, you okay? Where is he?

The Wookiee is wounded and he howls in pain.

HAN
I'm okay, pal.

For a moment, Luke is distracted, and in that moment, Boba fires a
cable out of his armored sleeve. Instantly, Luke is wrapped in a strong
cable, his arms pinned against his side, his sword arm free only from
the wrist down. Luke bends his wrist so the lightsaber points straight
up to reach the wire lasso and cuts through. Luke shrugs away the cable
and stands free.

Another blast from the Barge's deck gun hits near Boba and he is
knocked unconscious to the deck, next to where Lando is hanging.

LANDO
Han! Chewie?

HAN
Lando!

Luke is a little shaken but remains standing as a fusillade brackets
him. The second skiff, loaded with guards firing their weapons, moves
in on Luke fast. Luke leaps toward the incoming second skiff. The young
Jedi leaps into the middle of the second skiff and begins decimating
the guards from their midst.

Chewie, wounded, tries to lift himself as he barks directions to Han,
guiding him toward a spear which has been dropped by one of the guards.
Han searches the deck as Chewie barks directions; finally he grabs hold
of the spear.

Boba Fett, badly shaken, rises from the deck. He looks over at the
other skiff, where Luke is whipping a mass of guards. Boba raises his
arm, and aims his lethal appendage.

Chewie barks desperately at Han.

HAN
Boba Fett?! Boba Fett?! Where?

The space pirate turns around blindly, and the long spear in his hand
whacks squarely in the middle of Boba's rocket pack.

The impact of the swing causes the rocket pack to ignite. Boba blasts
off, flying over the second skiff like a missile, smashing against the
side of the huge Sail Barge and sliding away into the pit. He screams
as his armored body makes its last flight past Lando and directly into
the mucous mouth of the Sarlacc. The Sarlacc burps. Chewie growls a
weak congratulations to Han.

36 INT SAIL BARGE

Leia turns from the spectacle outside, leaps onto Jabba's throne, and
throws the chain that enslaves her over his head around his bulbous
neck. Then she dives off the other side of the throne, pulling the
chain violently in her grasp. Jabba's flaccid neck contracts beneath
the tightening chain. His huge eyes bulge from their sockets and his
scum-coated tongue flops out. The Exalted Hutt's huge tail spasms
through its death throes and then slams down into final stillness. Leia
struggles to free herself of her bondage.

37 EXT SKIFF

Luke continues to destroy the aliens on the guards' skiff, as Han
extends his spear downward to Lando, who is still dangling precariously
from a rope on the prisoner's skiff.

HAN
Lando, grab it!

LANDO
Lower it!

HAN
I'm trying!

A major hit from the barge deck gun knocks the skiff on its side. Han
and almost everything else on board slides overboard. The rope breaks,
and Lando falls to the side of the Sarlacc pit. Luckily, Han's foot
catches on the skiff railing and he dangles above Lando and the pit.
The wounded Wookiee holds onto the skiff for dear life as another hit
from the deck gun rocks the skiff violently.

HAN
Whoa! Whoa! Grab me, Chewie! I'm slipping.

Chewie grabs hold of Han's feet, holding him upside down, as Han
extends the spear toward Lando, who is clutching to the side of the
pit.

HAN
Grab it! L--Lando. Grab!

Luke finishes off the last guard on the second skiff. He sees the deck
gun blasting away at his helpless companions. Luke leaps from the
skiff, across a chasm of air, to the sheer metallic side of the Sail
Barge. Barely able to get a fingerhold, he begins a painful climb up
the hull, when suddenly an ax smashes through a window an inch from his
head. With Jedi agility, Luke grasps the wrist holding the ax and yanks
the helpless guard through the broken window and into the deadly pit.

The injured Chewie is reaching over the rail for the dangling Han, who
is in turn blindly reaching down toward the desperate Lando. The Baron
has stopped his slippage down the sandy slope of the Sarlacc pit by
lying very still. Every time he tries to reach for Han, the loose sand
moves him closer to his final reward.

HAN
Grab it! Almost... You almost got it!

Another blast hits the front of the tilted skiff, causing Lando to let
go of the spear.

LANDO
Hold it! Whoa!

Again Han extends the spear toward Lando.

HAN
Gently now. All... all right. Now easy, easy. Hold me, Chewie.

Lando screams. One of the Sarlacc's tentacles has wrapped tightly
around his ankle, dragging him down the side of the pit.

HAN
Chewie! Chewie, give me the gun. Don't move, Lando.

LANDO
No, wait! I thought you were blind!

HAN
It's all right. Trust me. Don't move.

LANDO
All right! A little higher! Just a little higher!

Han adjusts his aim as Lando lowers his head, and the fuzzy-eyed pirate
fires at the tentacle. Direct hit. The tentacle releases Lando, and
Chewie starts to pull them on board the skiff.

HAN
Chewie, Pull us up! Come on! Okay... up, Chewie, up!

38 EXT UPPER DECK

The deck gunners have Chewie and the desperate dangling human chain in
their gun sights when something up on deck commands their attention:
Luke, standing before them like a pirate king, ignites his lightsaber.
The deck gunners have barely reached for their pistols before the young
Jedi has demolished them. Immediately, Luke turns to see two more
gunners (who have been uncovering a giant gun at the end of the barge)
racing for him, firing their laser pistols.

39 INT SAIL BARGE - OBSERVATION DECK

Leia is struggling against her chains in desperation as Artoo zips
through the tumult of confused monsters to the rescue; the stubby
little droid extends a small laser gun and blasts the chain apart.

LEIA
Come on. We gotta get out of here quick.

Artoo and Leia race for the exit, passing Threepio, who is kicking and
screaming as Salacious Crumb, the reptilian monkey- monster picks out
one of the golden droid's eyes.

THREEPIO
Not my eyes! Artoo, help! Quickly, Artoo. Oh! Ohhh! You beast!

Artoo zips over and zaps Salacious, sending him skyward with a scream,
crashing into the rafters as Artoo, Leia, and Threepio (with his eye
dangling from a wire) hurry off.

40 EXT UPPER DECK - SAIL BARGE

Luke is warding off laser blasts with his lightsaber, surrounded by
guards and fighting like a demon. Leia emerges onto the deck as Luke
turns to face another guard.

LUKE (to Leia)
Get the gun! Point it at the deck!

Leia turns toward the barge cannon, climbs on the platform, and swivels
the gun around.

LUKE
Point it at the deck!

A laser blast hits Luke's mechanical hand and he bends over in pain,
but manages to swing his lightsaber upward and take out the last of the
guards. He looks at the wounded hand, which reveals the mechanism. He
flexes the hand; it still works.

Near the rail of the upper deck, Artoo and Threepio steady themselves
as Threepio gets ready to jump. Artoo beeps wildly.

THREEPIO
Artoo, where are we going? I couldn't possibly jump.

Artoo butts the golden droid over the edge and steps off himself,
tumbling toward the sand.

Luke runs along the empty deck toward Leia and the barge gun, which she
has brought around to point down at the deck.

LUKE
Come on!

Luke has hold on one of the rigging ropes from the mast. He gathers
Leia in his other arm and kicks the trigger of the deck gun. The gun
explodes into the deck as Luke and Leia swing out toward the skiff.

41 EXT SKIFF

Han leans panting against the rail as Chewie helps Lando onto the deck.
Luke and Leia land on the skiff with flair.

LUKE
Let's go! And don't forget the droids.

LANDO
We're on our way.

The Sail Barge is exploding in stages in the distance. Half of the huge
craft is on fire.

42 EXT SAND DUNE

Threepio's legs stick straight up from the dune where he landed. Next
to it, Artoo's periscope is the only thing above the sand. The skiff
floats above them and two large electromagnets dangle down on a wire.
With a loud CLANG, both droids are pulled
from the sand.

43 EXT DUNE SEA

The little skiff skips around the burning Sail Barge, which continues
its chain of explosions. As the skiff sails off across the desert, the
barge settles to the sand and disappears in one final conflagration.

44 EXT DUNE SEA - LANDING AREA

A ferocious sandstorm blocks our view. Then, through the ROAR, we HEAR
THE VOICES of our heroes. They emerge slowly from the veil of sand,
pressing on against the wind. First come Artoo and Threepio, followed
by Leia guiding Han, then Luke and Lando come into view, each
supporting one side of the towering Chewbacca, who hobbles from his
wound.

Soon, they can make out some large vague shapes in the blowing sand. It
is the Millennium Falcon and, parked beside it, Luke's trusty X-wing
and a two-seated Y-wing. They must shout to be heard.

HAN
I don't know. All I can see is a lot of blowing sand!

LEIA
That's all any of us can see.

HAN (blinking)
Then I guess I'm getting better.

As soon as the group huddles under the bulk of the Falcon, the wind
dies down to something more describable as a severe weather condition.
Threepio hits a switch, and the gang-plank lowers with a HUM.

HAN (turning to Luke)
I've got to hand it to you, kid, you were pretty good out there.

LUKE (shrugging it off)
I had a lot of help. Think nothing of it.

HAN
No, I'm thinking a lot about it. That carbon freeze was the closest
thing to dead there is. And it wasn't just sleepin'. It was a big wide
awake nothing!

Luke nods, as Chewie growls affectionately at the young Jedi warrior,
mussing his hair like a proud uncle. And Leia warmly hugs him.

LUKE (moving to his ship)
I'll see you back at the fleet.

HAN
Why don't you leave that crate and come with us?

LUKE
I have a promise I have to keep first... to an old friend.

Luke and Artoo take off in their spacecraft.

HAN
(looking dubiously at Lando, obviously remembering his friend's
betrayal and subsequent aide)
Guess I owe you some thanks, too, Lando.

LANDO
Figured if I left you frozen like that you'd just give me bad luck the
rest of my life, so I might as well get you unfrozen sooner or later.

LEIA
He means "You're welcome."

LANDO
Come on, let's get off this miserable dust ball.

44A EXT SPACE ABOVE TATOOINE

The desolate yellow planet fills the screen, Luke's X-wing appears and
peels off to the left. A moment later, the FALCON appears as a dot and
grows huge, to roar directly over the CAMERA.

45 INT X-WING - COCKPIT

Luke is at the controls, with Artoo attached behind him outside the
canopy. Luke speaks into his comlink to the others, in the MILLENNIUM
FALCON.

LUKE
I'll meet you back at the fleet.

LEIA (over comlink)
Hurry. The Alliance should be assembled by now.

LUKE
I will.

HAN (over comlink)
Hey, Luke, thanks. Thanks for comin' after me. Now I owe you one.

A message from Artoo appears on the small monitor screen in front of
Luke. He smiles at the monitor and speaks to Artoo, as he pulls a black
glove on to cover his wounded mechanical hand.

LUKE
That's right, Artoo. We're going to the Dagobah system. I have a
promise to keep... to an old friend.

46 EXT SPACE - DEATH STAR AND ENDOR

A Super Star Destroyer and several ships of the Imperial Fleet rest in
space above the half-completed Death Star and its green neighbor,
Endor. Four squads of TIE fighters escort an Imperial shuttle toward
the Death Star.

47 INT DEATH STAR - CORRIDOR TO DOCKING BAY

Lord Vader strides down the hallway, accompanied by a very nervous
Death Star commander.

48 INT DOCKING BAY - DEATH STAR

Thousands of Imperial troops in tight formation fill the mammoth
docking bay. Vader and the officer walk to the landing platform, where
the shuttle is coming to rest.

The shuttle's ramp lowers and the Emperor's Royal Guards come out and
create a lethal perimeter. The assembled troops move to rigid attention
with a momentous SNAP.

Then, in the huge SILENCE which follows, the EMPEROR appears. He is a
rather small, shriveled old man. His bent frame slowly makes its way
down the ramp with the aid of a gnarled cane. He wears a hooded cloak
similar to the one Ben wears, except that it is black. The Emperor's
face is shrouded and difficult to see, except for his piercing yellow
eyes. Commander Jerjerrod and Darth Vader kneel to him. The Supreme
Ruler of the galaxy beckons to the Dark Lord.

EMPEROR (to Vader)
Rise, my friend.

Vader rises and falls in next to the Emperor as he slowly makes his way
along the rows of troops. Jerjerrod and the other commanders stay
kneeling until the Supreme Ruler and Vader, followed by several
Imperial dignitaries, pass by; only then do they join in the
procession.

VADER
The Death Star will be completed on schedule.

EMPEROR
You have done well, Lord Vader. And now I sense you wish to continue
your search for young Skywalker.

VADER
Yes, my Master.

EMPEROR
Patience, my friend. In time he will seek you out. And when he does,
you must bring him
before me. He has grown strong. Only together can we turn him to the
dark side of the
Force.

VADER
As you wish.

EMPEROR
Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

He laughs to himself as they pass along the vast line of Imperial
troops.

49 EXT YODA'S HOUSE - DAGOBAH

Once again, Artoo finds himself waiting around in the damp environs of
the swamp planet, and he's none too happy about it. He beeps
disconsolately to himself and turns to look at Yoda's cottage. Warm
yellow light escapes the oddly shaped windows to fight the gloom.

50 INT YODA'S HOUSE

The tip of a walking stick taps hesitantly across the earthen floor of
the cottage. Our view travels up the stick to the small green hand that
clutches it, and then to the familiar face of YODA, THE JEDI MASTER.
His manner is frail, and his voice, though cheerful, seems weaker.

YODA
Hmm. That face you make. Look I so old to young eyes?

Luke is sitting in a corner of the cramped space and, indeed, his look
has been woeful. Caught, he tries to hide it.

LUKE
No... of course not.

YODA (tickled, chuckles)
I do, yes, I do! Sick have I become. Old and weak.
(Points a crooked finger)
When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not. Hmm?

Yoda chuckles at this, coughs, and hobbles over toward his bed.

YODA
Soon will I rest. Yes, forever sleep. Earned it, I have.

Yoda sits himself on his bed, with great effort.

LUKE
Master Yoda, you can't die.

YODA
Strong am I with the Force... but not that strong! Twilight is upon me
and soon night must fall. That is the way of things... the way of the
Force.

LUKE
But I need your help. I've come back to complete the training.

YODA
No more training do you require. Already know you that which you need.

Yoda sighs, and lies back on his bed.

LUKE
Then I am a Jedi?

YODA (shakes his head)
Ohhh. Not yet. One thing remains: Vader. You must confront Vader. Then,
only then, a Jedi will you be. And confront him you will.

Luke is in agony. He is silent for a long moment, screwing up his
courage. Finally he is able to ask.

LUKE
Master Yoda... is Darth Vader my father?

Yoda's eyes are full of weariness and compassion. An odd, sad smile
creases his face. He turns painfully on his side, away from Luke.

YODA
Mmm... rest I need. Yes... rest.

Luke watches him, each moment an eternity.

LUKE
Yoda, I must know.

YODA
Your father he is.

Luke reacts as if cut.

YODA
Told you, did he?

LUKE
Yes.

A new look of concern crosses Yoda's face. He closes his eyes.

YODA
Unexpected this is, and unfortunate...

LUKE
Unfortunate that I know the truth?

Yoda opens his eyes again and studies the youth.

YODA (gathering all his strength)
No. Unfortunate that you rushed to face him... that incomplete was your
training. Not
ready for the burden were you.

LUKE
Well, I'm sorry.

YODA
Remember, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware. Anger,
fear, aggression.
The dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever
will it dominate your
destiny.

He beckons the young Jedi closer to him.

YODA
Luke...Luke...Do not...Do not underestimate the powers of the Emperor,
or suffer your father's fate, you will. Luke, when gone am I
(cough),
the last of the Jedi will you be. Luke, the Force runs strong in your
family. Pass on what you have learned, Luke...
(with great effort)
There is...another...Sky...Sky...walker.

He catches his breath. A shiver runs through the ancient green
creature, and he dies. Luke stares at his dead master as he disappears
in front of his eyes.

51 EXT DAGOBAH SWAMP - X-WING

Luke wanders back to where his ship is sitting. Artoo beeps a greeting,
but is ignored by his depressed master. Luke kneels down, begins to
help Artoo with the ship, then stops and shakes his head dejectedly.

LUKE
I can't do it, Artoo. I can't go on alone.

BEN (OS)
Yoda will always be with you.

Luke looks up to see the shimmering image of BEN KENOBI.

LUKE
Obi-Wan! Why didn't you tell me?

The ghost of Ben Kenobi approaches him through the swamp.

LUKE
You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father.

BEN
You father was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be
Anakin Skywalker
and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your
father was destroyed. So what I have told you was true... from a
certain point of view.

LUKE (turning away, derisive)
A certain point of view!

BEN
Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend
greatly on our own
point of view.

Luke is unresponsive. Ben studies him in silence for a moment.

BEN
I don't blame you for being angry. If I was wrong in what I did, it
certainly wouldn't have been for the first time. You see, what happened
to your father was my fault.

Ben pauses sadly.

BEN
Anakin was a good friend.

Luke turns with interest at this. As Ben speaks, Luke settles on a
stump, mesmerized. Artoo comes over to offer his comforting presence.

BEN
When I first knew him, your father was already a great pilot. But I was
amazed how strongly the Force was with him. I took it upon myself to
train him as a Jedi. I thought that I could instruct him just as well
as Yoda. I was wrong. My pride has had terrible consequences for the
galaxy.

Luke is entranced.

LUKE
There's still good in him.

BEN
I also thought he could be turned back to the good side. It couldn't be
done. He is more machine now than man. Twisted and evil.

LUKE
I can't do it, Ben.

BEN
You cannot escape your destiny.

LUKE
I tried to stop him once. I couldn't do it.

BEN
Vader humbled you when first you met him, Luke... but that experience
was part of your training. It taught you, among other things, the value
of patience. Had you not been so impatient to defeat Vader then, you
could have finished your training here with Yoda. You would have been
prepared.

LUKE
But I had to help my friends.

BEN (grinning at Luke's indignation)
And did you help them? It was they who had to save you. You achieved
little by rushing back prematurely, I fear.

LUKE (with sadness)
I found out Darth Vader was my father.

BEN
To be a Jedi, Luke, you must confront and then go beyond the dark side
- the side your father couldn't get past. Impatience is the easiest
door - for you, like your father. Only, your father was seduced by what
he found on the other side of the door, and you have held firm. You're
no longer so reckless now, Luke. You are strong and patient. And now,
you must face Darth Vader again!

LUKE
I can't kill my own father.

BEN
Then the Emperor has already won. You were our only hope.

LUKE
Yoda spoke of another.

BEN
The other he spoke of is your twin sister.

LUKE
But I have no sister.

BEN
Hmm. To protect you both from the Emperor, you were hidden from your
father when you were born. The Emperor knew, as I did, if Anakin were
to have any offspring, they would be a threat to him. That is the
reason why your sister remains safely anonymous.

LUKE
Leia! Leia's my sister.

BEN
Your insight serves you well. Bury your feelings deep down, Luke. They
do you credit.
But they could be made to serve the Emperor.

Luke looks into the distance, trying to comprehend all this.

BEN (continuing his narrative)
When your father left, he didn't know your mother was pregnant. Your
mother and I knew he would find out eventually, but we wanted to keep
you both as safe as possible, for as long as possible. So I took you
to live with my brother Owen on Tatooine... and your mother took Leia
to live as the daughter of Senator Organa, on Alderaan.

Luke turns, and settles near Ben to hear the tale.

BEN (attempting to give solace with his words)
The Organa household was high-born and politically quite powerful in
that system. Leia became a princess by virtue of lineage... no one knew
she'd been adopted, of course. But it was a title without real power,
since Alderaan had long been a democracy. Even so, the family
continued to be politically powerful, and Leia, following in her foster
father's path, became a senator as well. That's not all she became, of
course... she became the leader of her cell in the Alliance against the
corrupt Empire. And because she had diplomatic immunity, she was a
vital link for getting information to the Rebel cause. That's what she
was doing when her path crossed yours... for her foster parents had
always told her to contact me on Tatooine, if her troubles became
desperate.

Luke is overwhelmed by the truth, and is suddenly protective of his
sister.

LUKE
But you can't let her get involved now, Ben. Vader will destroy her.

BEN
She hasn't been trained in the ways of the Jedi the way you have,
Luke... but the Force is strong with her, as it is with all of your
family. There is no avoiding the battle. You must face and destroy
Vader!

52 EXT SPACE - REBEL FLEET

The vast Rebel Fleet stretches as far as the eye can see. Overhead a
dozen small Corellian battleships fly in formation. Fighters and
battlecruisers surround the largest of the Rebel Star Cruisers, the
HEADQUARTERS FRIGATE.

53 INT HEADQUARTERS FRIGATE - MAIN BRIEFING ROOM

Hundreds of Rebel commanders of all races and forms are assembled in
the WAR ROOM. WEDGE is among them. In the center of the room is a
holographic model depicting the half-completed Imperial Death Star, the
nearby Moon of Endor, and the protecting deflector shield.

MON MOTHMA, the leader of the Alliance, enters the room. She is a stern
but beautiful woman in her fifties. Conferring with her are several
military leaders, including GENERAL MADINE and ADMIRAL ACKBAR (a
salmon-colored Mon Calamari). Lando moves through the crowd until he
finds Han and Chewie, standing next to Leia and the two droids.

Han peers at Lando's new insignia on his chest, and is amused.

HAN
Well, look at you, a general, huh?

LANDO
Oh, well, someone must have told them about my little maneuver at the
battle of Taanab.

HAN (sarcastic)
Well, don't look at me, pal. I just said you were a fair pilot. I
didn't know they were
lookin' for somebody to lead this crazy attack.

LANDO (smiling)
I'm surprised they didn't ask you to do it.

HAN
Well, who says they didn't. But I ain't crazy. You're the respectable
one, remember?

Mon Mothma signals for attention, and the room falls silent.

MON MOTHMA
The Emperor has made a critical error and the time for our attack has
come.

This causes a stir. Mon Mothma turns to a holographic model of the
Death Star, the Endor moon and the protecting deflector shield in the
center of the room.

MON MOTHMA
The data brought to us by the Bothan spies pinpoints the exact location
of the Emperor's new battle station. We also know that the weapon
systems of this Death Star are not yet operational. With the Imperial
Fleet spread throughout the galaxy in a vain effort to engage us, it is
relatively unprotected. But most important of all, we've learned that
the Emperor himself is personally overseeing the final stages of the
construction of this Death Star.

A volley of spirited chatter erupts from the crowd. Han turns to Leia
as Chewie barks his amazement.

MON MOTHMA (cont)
Many Bothans died to bring us this information. Admiral Ackbar, please.

Admiral Ackbar steps forward and points to the Death Star's force field
and the Moon of Endor.

ACKBAR
You can see here the Death Star orbiting the forest Moon of Endor.
Although the weapon
systems on this Death Star are not yet operational, the Death Star does
have a strong defense mechanism. It is protected by an energy shield,
which is generated from the nearby forest Moon of Endor. The shield
must be deactivated if any attack is to be attempted. Once the shield
is down, our cruisers will create a perimeter, while the fighters fly
into the superstructure and attempt to knock out the main reactor.

There's a concerned murmur.

ACKBAR (cont)
General Calrissian has volunteered to lead the fighter attack

Han turns to Lando with a look of respect.

HAN
Good luck.

Lando nods his thanks.

HAN
You're gonna need it.

ACKBAR
General Madine.

Madine moves center stage.

GENERAL MADINE
We have stolen a small Imperial shuttle. Disguised as a cargo ship, and
using a secret
Imperial code, a strike team will land on the moon and deactivate the
shield generator.

The assembly begins to mumble among themselves.

THREEPIO
Sounds dangerous.

LEIA (to Han)
I wonder who they found to pull that off.

GENERAL MADINE
General Solo, is your strike team assembled?

Leia, startled, looks up at Han, surprise changing to admiration.

HAN
Uh, my team's ready. I don't have a command crew for the shuttle.

Chewbacca raises his hairy paw and volunteers. Han looks up at him.

HAN
Well, it's gonna be rough, pal. I didn't want to speak for you.

Chewie waves that off with a huge GROWL.

HAN (smiles)
That's one.

LEIA
Uh, General... count me in.

VOICE (OS)
I'm with you, too!

They turn in that direction and peer into the crowd as there are more
cheers. The commanders part, and there at the back stands Luke. Han and
Leia are surprised and delighted.

Leia moves to Luke and embraces him warmly. She senses a change in him
and looks into his eyes questioningly.

LEIA
What is it?

LUKE (hesitant)
Ask me again sometime.

Han, Chewie, and Lando crowd around Luke as the assembly breaks up.

HAN
Luke.

LUKE
Hi, Han... Chewie.

Artoo beeps a singsong observation to a worried Threepio.

THREEPIO
"Exciting" is hardly the word I would use.

54 INT HEADQUARTERS FRIGATE - MAIN DOCKING BAY

The Millennium Falcon rests beyond the stolen IMPERIAL SHUTTLE, which
looks anomalous among all the Rebel ships in the vast docking bay.
Chewie barks a final farewell to Lando and leads Artoo and Threepio up
the shuttle, crowded now with the Rebel strike team loading weapons and
supplies. Lando turns to face Han. Luke and Leia have said their good-
byes and start up the ramp.

HAN
Look. I want you to take her. I mean it. Take her. You need all the
help you can get. She's
the fastest ship in the fleet.

LANDO
All right, old buddy. You know, I know what she means to you. I'll take
good care of her.
She-she won't get a scratch. All right?

HAN (looks at him warmly)
Right. I got your promise now. Not a scratch.

LANDO
Look, would you get going, you pirate.

Han and Lando pause, then exchange salutes.

LANDO
Good luck.

HAN
You, too.

Han goes up the ramp. Lando watches him go and then slowly turns away.

55 INT IMPERIAL SHUTTLE - COCKPIT

Luke is working on a back control panel as Han comes in and takes the
pilot's seat. Chewie, in the seat next to him, is trying to figure out
all the Imperial controls.

HAN
You got her warmed?

LUKE
Yeah, she's comin' up.

Chewie growls a complaint.

HAN
No. I don't think the Empire had Wookiees in mind when they designed
her, Chewie.

Leia comes in from the hold and takes her seat near Luke.

Chewie barks and hits some switches. Han's glance has stuck on
something out the window: the Millennium Falcon. Leia nudges him
gently.

LEIA
Hey, are you awake?

HAN
Yeah, I just got a funny feeling. Like I'm not gonna see her again.

Chewie, hearing this, stops his activity and looks longingly out at the
Falcon, too. Leia puts a hand on Han's shoulder.

LEIA (softly)
Come on, General, let's move.

Han snaps back to life.

HAN
Right. Chewie, let's see what this piece of junk can do. Ready,
everybody?

LUKE
All set.

THREEPIO
Here we go again.

HAN
All right, hang on.

56 EXT SPACE - THE REBEL FLEET

The stolen Imperial shuttle leaves the main docking bay of the
Headquarters Frigate, lowers its wings into flight position, and zooms
off into space.

57 INT EMPEROR'S THRONE ROOM

The converted control room is dimly lit, except for a pool of light at
the far end. There the Emperor sits in an elaborate control chair
before a large window which looks out across the half-completed Death
Star to the giant green moon of Endor.

Darth Vader, standing with other members of the Imperial council,
cautiously approaches his master. The ruler's back is to Vader. After
several tense moments, the Emperor's chair rotates around to face him.

VADER
What is thy bidding, my Master?

EMPEROR
Send the fleet to the far side of Endor. There it will stay until
called for.

VADER
What of the reports of the Rebel fleet massing near Sullust?

EMPEROR
It is of no concern. Soon the Rebellion will be crushed and young
Skywalker will be one of us! Your work here is finished, my friend. Go
out to the command ship and await my orders.

VADER
Yes, my Master.

Vader bows, then turns and exits the throne room as the Emperor walks
toward the waiting council members.

58 EXT SPACE - DEATH STAR - MOON

There is a great deal of Imperial traffic in the area as construction
proceeds on the Death Star. Transports, TIE fighters, and a few Star
Destroyers move about. Now the huge Super Star Destroyer announces
itself with a low roar and soon fills the frame.

59 INT STOLEN IMPERIAL SHUTTLE - COCKPIT

Han looks back at Luke and Leia as Chewie flips several switches.
Through the viewscreen, the Death Star and the huge Super Star
Destroyer can be seen.

HAN
If they don't go for this, we're gonna have to get outta here pretty
quick, Chewie.

Chewie growls his agreement.

CONTROLLER (over radio)
We have you on our screen now. Please identify.

HAN
Shuttle Tydirium requesting deactivation of the deflector shield.

CONTROLLER (over radio)
Shuttle Tydirium, transmit the clearance code for shield passage.

HAN
Transmission commencing.

Leia and Chewbacca listen tensely as the sound of a high speed
transmission begins.

LEIA
Now we find out if that code is worth the price we paid.

HAN
It'll work. It'll work.

Chewie whines nervously. Luke stares at the Huge Super Star Destroyer
that looms ever larger before them.

LUKE
Vader's on that ship.

HAN
Now don't get jittery, Luke. There are a lot of command ships. Keep
your distance though, Chewie, but don't look like you're trying to keep
your distance.

Chewie barks a question.

HAN
I don't know. Fly casual.

LUKE
I'm endangering the mission. I shouldn't have come.

HAN
It's your imagination, kid. Come on. Let's keep a little optimism here.

Chewie barks his worries as the Super Star Destroyer grows larger out
the window.

60 INT VADER'S STAR DESTROYER - BRIDGE

Lord Vader stands, back to us, staring out a window at the Death Star.
Now, some vibration felt only by him causes him to turn. After a moment
of stillness, he walks down the row of controllers to where ADMIRAL
PIETT is leaning over the tracking screen of the controller we've seen
earlier. Piett straightens at Vader's approach.

VADER
Where is that shuttle going?

PIETT (into comlink)
Shuttle Tydirium, what is your cargo and destination?

PILOT VOICE (HAN) (filtered)
Parts and technical crew for the forest moon.

The Bridge Commander looks to Vader for a reaction.

VADER
Do they have a code clearance?

PIETT
It's an older code, sir, but it checks out. I was about to clear them.

Vader looks upward, as he senses Luke's presence.

PIETT
Shall I hold them?

VADER
No. Leave them to me. I will deal with them myself.

PIETT (surprised)
As you wish, my lord.
(to controller)
Carry on.

Piett nods at controller, who switches on his comlink.

61 INT STOLEN IMPERIAL SHUTTLE - COCKPIT

The group waits tensely.

HAN
They're not goin' for it, Chewie.

CONTROLLER (filtered)
Shuttle Tydirium, deactivation of the shield will commence immediately.
Follow your
present course.

Everyone breaths a sigh of relief. Everyone but Luke, who looks
worried. Chewie barks.

HAN
Okay! I told you it was gonna work. No problem.

62 EXT SPACE - STOLEN IMPERIAL SHUTTLE - ENDOR

The stolen Imperial shuttle moves off toward the green Sanctuary Moon.

63 EXT FOREST LANDING SITE - ENDOR

The stolen Imperial shuttle sits in a clearing of the moon's dark,
primeval forest, dwarfed by the ancient towering trees.

On an adjacent hill, the helmeted Rebel contingent makes its way up a
steep trail. Leia and Han are slightly ahead of Chewie and Luke. The
troops of the strike-team squad follow, with Artoo and Threepio
bringing up the rear. Artoo beeps.

Up ahead, Chewie and Leia reach a crest in the hill and drop suddenly
to the ground, signaling the rest of the group to stop. Han and Luke
crawl up to take a look.

THREEPIO
Oh, I told you it was dangerous here.

THEIR POV. Not far below them, two IMPERIAL SCOUTS are wandering
through bushes in the valley below. Their two ROCKET BIKES are parked
nearby.

LEIA
Shall we try and go around?

HAN
It'll take time. This whole party'll be for nothing if they see us.

Leia motions for the squad to stay put, then she, Han, Luke and Chewie
start quietly down.

64 EXT FOREST CLEARING - CAMPSITE

The four friends make their way to the edge of the clearing not far
from the two Imperial scouts.

HAN
Chewie and I will take care of this. You stay here.

LUKE
Quietly, there might be more of them out there.

HAN (grins)
Hey... it's me.

Han and Chewie turn and start through the bushes toward the scouts.
Luke and Leia exchange smiles.

Han sneaks up behind one of the scouts, steps on a twig and the scout
whirls, knocking Han into a tree. The scout shouts for his companion.

SCOUT #1
Go for help! Go!

The second scout jumps on his speeder bike and takes off, but Chewie
gets off a shot on his crossbow laser weapon, causing the scout to
crash into a tree. Han and Scout #1 are in a rousing fistfight.

LUKE (sarcastic)
Great. Come on.

Luke starts for the scuffle, followed by Leia with her laser pistol
drawn. As they run through the bushes, Leia stops and points to where
two more scouts are sitting on their speeder bikes, with an unoccupied
bike parked nearby.

LEIA
Over there! Two more of them!

LUKE
I see them. Wait, Leia!

But Leia doesn't hear him and races for the remaining speeder bike. She
starts it up and takes off as Luke jumps on the bike behind her.

LUKE (pointing to the controls)
Quick! Jam their comlink. Center switch!

Luke and Leia speed into the dense foliage in hot pursuit, barely
avoiding two huge trees.

HAN
Hey, wait! Ahhh!

He flips the remaining scout to the ground.

65 EXT FOREST - THE BIKE CHASE

The two fleeing Imperial scouts have a good lead as Luke and Leia
pursue through the giant trees at 200 miles an hour, the fire from
their bike's laser cannon hitting harmlessly near the moving targets.

LUKE
Move closer!

Leia guns it, closing the gap, as the two scouts recklessly veer
through a narrow gap in the trees. One of the bikes SCRAPES a tree,
slowing the scout.

LUKE
Get alongside that one!

Leia pulls her speeder bike up so close to the scout's bike that their
steering vanes SCRAPE noisily. Luke leaps from his bike to the back of
the scout's, grabs the Imperial warrior around the neck, and flips him
off the bike, into a thick tree trunk. Luke gains control of the bike
and follows Leia, who has pulled ahead. They tear off after the
remaining scout.

LUKE
Get him!

The speeding chase passes TWO MORE IMPERIAL SCOUTS. These two swing
into pursuit, chasing Luke and Leia, firing away with their laser
cannon. The two Rebels look behind them just as Luke's bike takes a
glancing hit.

LUKE (indicating the one ahead)
Keep on that one! I'll take these two!

With Leia shooting ahead, Luke suddenly slams his steering vanes into
the braking mode. Luke's bike is a blur to the two pursuing scouts as
they zip by him on either side. Luke slams his bike into forward and
starts firing away, having switched places with his pursuers in a
manner of seconds. Luke's aim is good and one scout's bike is blasted
out of control. It explodes against a tree trunk.

The scout's cohort takes one glance back at the flash and shifts into
turbo drive, going even faster. Luke keeps on his tail.

FAR AHEAD, Leia and the first scout are doing a highspeed slalom
through the death-dealing trunks. Now Leia aims her bike skyward and
rises out of sight.

The scout turns in confusion, unable to see his pursuer. Suddenly, Leia
dives down upon him from above, cannon blasting. The scout's bike takes
a glancing hit.

Leia moves in alongside him. The scout eyes her beside him, reaches
down, and pulls out a handgun. Before Leia can react, the scout has
blasted her bike, sending it out of control. Leia dives off as her bike
explodes against a tree. The happy scout looks back at the explosion.
But when he turns forward again, he is on a collision course with a
giant fallen tree. He hits his brakes to no avail and disappears in a
conflagration.

ANOTHER PART OF THE FOREST: Luke and the last remaining scout continue
their weaving chase through the trees. Now Luke moves up close. The
scout responds by slamming his bike into Luke's. A fallen tree forms a
bridge across their path. The scout zips under. Luke goes over the top
and crashes his bike down on the scout's. Both riders look ahead - a
wide trunk looms directly in Luke's path, but the scout's bike beside
him makes it almost impossible for him to avoid it. Luke banks with all
his might, leaning almost horizontal over the scout's bike, and is able
to make it by, just clipping the tree. When he straightens, he and the
scout discover that their two bikes have locked front vanes and are
moving as one.

Another big tree looms in Luke's path. He reacts instinctively and
dives off his bike. The two bikes come apart a second before Luke's
explodes against a tree. The scout sweeps out and circles back to find
Luke.

Luke rises from the undergrowth as the scout bears down on him and
opens fire with his laser cannon. Luke ignites his laser sword and
begins deflecting the bolts. The scout's bike keeps coming and it
appears that in a second it will cut Luke in half. At the last instant,
Luke steps aside and chops off the bike's control vanes with one mighty
slash. The scout's bike begins to shudder, then, pitching and rolling,
it rises up to slam directly into a tree in a giant ball of fire.

66 EXT SCOUT CAMPSITE - FOREST

Han, Chewie, and the droids, along with the rest of the squad, wait
anxiously in the clearing. Artoo's radar screen sticks out of his domed
head and revolves, scanning the forest. He beeps.

THREEPIO
Oh, General Solo, somebody's coming. Oh!

Han, Chewie, and the rest of the squad raise their weapons.

Luke steps out of the foliage to find the weapons trained on him. He's
too tired to care. He plops himself down on a boulder and looks around.

HAN
Luke! Where's Leia?

LUKE (concerned)
What? She didn't come back?

HAN
I thought she was with you.

LUKE
We got separated.

Luke and Han exchange a silent, grim look. Luke gets up wearily.

LUKE
Hey, we better go look for her.

Han nods, and signals to a Rebel officer.

HAN
Take the squad ahead. We'll meet at the shield generator at 0300.

LUKE
Come on, Artoo. We'll need your scanners.

Luke, Chewie, Han, and the droids move off in one direction as the
squad proceeds in another.

THREEPIO
Don't worry, Master Luke. We know what to do.

They move off into the woods.

THREEPIO (to Artoo)
And you said it was pretty here. Ugh!

67 EXT FOREST CLEARING - LEIA'S CRASH SITE

A strange little furry face with huge black eyes comes slowly into
view. The creature is an EWOK, by the name of WICKET. He seems somewhat
puzzled, and prods Leia with a spear. The princess groans; this
frightens the stubby ball of fuzz and he prods her again. Leia sits up
and stares at the three-foot-high Ewok. She tries to figure out where
she is and what has happened. Her clothes are torn; she's bruised and
disheveled.

The Ewok jumps up and grabs a four-foot-long spear, which he holds in a
defensive position. Leia watches him as he circles warily and begins
poking her with the sharp point of the spear.

LEIA
Cut it out!

She stands up, and the Ewok quickly backs away.

LEIA
I'm not gonna hurt you.

Leia looks around at the dense forest, and at the charred remains of
her speeder bike, then sits down, with a sigh, on a fallen log.

LEIA
Well, looks like I'm stuck here. Trouble is, I don't know where here
is.

She puts her head in her hands to rub away some of the soreness from
her fall. She looks over at the watchful little Ewok and pats the log
beside her.

LEIA
Well, maybe you can help me. Come on, sit down.

Wicket holds his spear up warily and growls at her like a puppy. Leia
pats the log again.

LEIA
I promise I won't hurt you. Now come here.

More growls and squeaks from the little bear creature.

LEIA
All right. You want something to eat?

She takes a scrap of food out of her pocket and offers it to him.
Wicket takes a step backward, then cocks his head and moves cautiously
toward Leia, chattering in his squeaky Ewok language.

LEIA
That's right. Come on. Hmmm?

Sniffing the food curiously, the Ewok comes toward Leia and sits on the
log beside her. She takes off her helmet, and the little creature jumps
back, startled again. He runs along the log, pointing his spear at her
and chattering a blue streak. Leia holds out the helmet to him.

LEIA
Look, it's a hat. It's not gonna hurt you. Look. You're a jittery
little thing, aren't you?

Reassured, Wicket lowers his spear and climbs back on the log, coming
to investigate the helmet. Suddenly his ears perk up and he begins to
sniff the air. He looks around warily, whispering some Ewokese warning
to Leia.

LEIA
What is it?

Suddenly a laser bolt comes out of the foliage and explodes on the log
next to Leia. Leia and Wicket both roll backwards off the log, hiding
behind it. Leia holds her own laser gun ready, while Wicket disappears
underneath the log. Another shot, and still no sight of anyone in the
forest. Then Leia senses something and turns to find a large IMPERIAL
SCOUT standing over her with his weapon pointed at her head. He reaches
out his hand for her weapon.

SCOUT #l
Freeze! Come on, get up!

She hands the weapon over, as a second scout emerges from the foliage
in front of the log.

SCOUT #1
Go get your ride and take her back to base.

SCOUT #2
Yes, sir.

The second scout starts toward his bike, as Wicket, crouched under the
log, extends his spear and hits the first scout on the leg. The scout
jumps and lets out an exclamation, and looks down at Wicket, puzzled.
Leia grabs a branch and knocks him out. She dives for his laser pistol,
and the second scout, now on his bike, takes off. Leia fires away and
hits the escaping bike, causing it to crash into the first scout's
bike, which flies end over end and explodes. The forest is quiet once
more. Wicket pokes his fuzzy head up from behind the log and regards
Leia withÊnew respect. He mumbles his awe. Leia hurries over, looking
around all the time, and motions the chubby little creature into the
dense foliage.

LEIA
Come on, let's get outta here.

As they move into the foliage, Wicket takes the lead. He shrieks and
tugs at Leia to follow him.

68 INT DEATH STAR - CORRIDOR TO EMPEROR'S TOWER

Darth Vader walks down the corridor to the Emperor's Tower and private
elevator. The Emperor's private guard steps in Vader's path.

GUARD
Halt! The Emperor does not wish to be disturbed at the moment.

VADER
(raising his gloved hand to the two guards and choking them with the
Force)
The Emperor will see me, now!

GUARD
(repeating Vader's command)
The Emperor will see you, now.

69 INT EMPEROR'S TOWER - THRONE ROOM

Two red Imperial Guards stand watch at the elevator as the door opens
to reveal Vader. Vader enters the eerie, foreboding throne room. It
appears to be empty. His footsteps echo as he approaches the throne. He
waits, absolutely still. The Emperor sits with his back to the Dark
Lord.

EMPEROR
I told you to remain on the command ship.

VADER
A small Rebel force has penetrated the shield and landed on Endor.

EMPEROR (no surprise)
Yes, I know.

VADER (after a beat)
My son is with them.

EMPEROR (very cool)
Are you sure?

VADER
I have felt him, my Master.

EMPEROR
Strange, that I have not. I wonder if your feelings on this matter are
clear, Lord
Vader.

Vader knows what is being asked.

VADER
They are clear, my Master.

EMPEROR
Then you must go to the Sanctuary Moon and wait for them.

VADER (skeptical)
He will come to me?

EMPEROR
I have foreseen it. His compassion for you will be his undoing. He will
come to you and
then you will bring him before me.

VADER (bows)
As you wish.

The Dark Lord strides out of the throne room.

70 EXT FOREST CLEARING - LEIA'S CRASH SITE

Han, Luke, Chewie, and the two droids are spread out as they move
through the heavy foliage near the clearing where we last saw Leia.
Luke finds Leia's helmet, picks it up with an expression of concern.

HAN (OS)
Luke! Luke!

Luke runs with the helmet to where Han has found the charred wreckage
of a speeder bike in the grass.

THREEPIO
Oh, Master Luke.

LUKE
There's two more wrecked speeders back there. And I found this.

He tosses the helmet to Han.

THREEPIO
I'm afraid that Artoo's sensors can find no trace of Princess Leia.

HAN (gravely)
I hope she's alright.

Chewbacca growls, sniffing the air, then, with a bark, pushes off
through the foliage.

HAN
What, Chewie? What? Chewie!

The others rush to keep up with the giant Wookiee. As he scoots along,
Artoo whistles nervously.

71 EXT FOREST - DENSE FOLIAGE

The group has reached a break in the undergrowth. Chewie walks up to a
tall stake planted in the ground. There is a dead animal hanging from
it.

HAN
Hey, I don't get it.

The rest of the group joins the Wookiee around the stake.

HAN (cont)
Nah, it's just a dead animal, Chewie.

Chewie can't resist. He reaches toward the meat.

LUKE
Chewie, wa-wait! Don't!

Too late. The Wookiee has already pulled the animal from the stake.
SPROOING! The group finds itself hanging upside down in an Ewok net,
suspended high above the clearing. Artoo lets out a wild series of
beeps and whistles, and Chewie howls his regret. Their bodies are a
jumble in the net. Han removes a Wookiee paw from his mouth.

HAN
Nice work. Great, Chewie! Great! Always thinking with your stomach.

LUKE
Will you take it easy? Let's just figure out a way to get out of this
thing.
(trying to free an arm)
Han, can you reach my lightsaber?

HAN
Yeah, sure.

Artoo is at the bottommost point in the net. He extends his cutting
appendage and begins slicing at the net. Han is trying to squeeze an
arm past Threepio to get at Luke's lightsaber. The net continues to
spin.

THREEPIO
Artoo, I'm not sure that's such a good idea. It's a very long dro-o-
op!!

Artoo has cut through and the entire group tumbles out of the net,
crashing to the ground. As they regain their senses and sit up, they
realize they are surrounded by dozens of Ewoks, each brandishing a long
spear.

HAN
Wha--? Hey! Point that thing someplace else.

Han pushes the spear wielded by TEEBO out of his face and a second Ewok
warrior comes up to argue with Teebo. The spear returns to Han's face.
He grabs it angrily and starts to go for his laser pistol.

HAN
Hey!

LUKE
Han, don't. It'll be all right.

The Ewoks swarm through them and confiscate their weapons. Luke lets
them take his lightsaber. Chewie growls at the furry critters.

LUKE
Chewie, give 'em your crossbow.

Artoo and Threepio are just untangling themselves. Threepio gets free
of the net and sits up, rattled.

THREEPIO
Oh, my head. Oh, my goodness!

When the Ewoks see Threepio, they let out a gasp and chatter among
themselves. Threepio speaks to them in their native tongue. The Ewok
nearest him drops his spear and prostrates himself before the droid. In
a moment, all the Ewoks have followed suit. Chewie lets out a puzzled
bark. Han and Luke regard the bowed creatures in wonder. The Ewoks
begin to chant at Threepio.

LUKE
Do you understand anything they're saying?

THREEPIO
Oh, yes, Master Luke! Remember that I am fluent in over six million
forms of
communication.

HAN
What are you telling them?

THREEPIO
Hello, I think... I could be mistaken. They're using a very primitive
dialect. But
I do believe they think I am some sort of god.

Chewbacca and Artoo think that's very funny. Han and Luke exchange
"what next?" looks.

HAN
Well, why don't you use your divine influence and get us out of this?

THREEPIO
I beg your pardon, General Solo, but that just wouldn't be proper.

HAN
Proper?!

THREEPIO
It's against my programming to impersonate a deity.

Han moves toward Threepio threateningly.

HAN
Why, you--

Several Ewoks' spears are thrust in Han's face at the affront to their
god. The Ewoks move in to protect their god and Han is surrounded by a
menacing circle of spears, all aimed at him. He holds up his hands
placatingly.

HAN
My mistake. He's an old friend of mine.

72 EXT FOREST - SERIES OF SHOTS

A procession of Ewoks winds through the ever-darkening forest. Their
prisoners - Han, Luke, Chewie, and Artoo - are tied to long poles and
wrapped in vines, cocoonlike.

Each pole is carried on the shoulders of several Ewoks. Behind the
captives, Threepio is carried on a litter, like a king, by the
remaining creatures.

73 EXT FOREST WALKWAY - MOON FOREST

The procession moves along a shaky, narrow, wooden walkway, high in the
giant trees. It stops at the end of the walkway, which drops off into
nothingness. On the other side of the abyss is a village of mud huts
and rickety walkways, attached to the giant trees. The lead Ewok takes
hold of a long vine and swings across to the village square; the other
Ewoks follow suit.

74 EXT EWOK VILLAGE SQUARE

The procession winds its way into the village square. Mother Ewoks
gather their babies up and scurry into their huts at the sight of the
newcomers. The group stops before the largest hut.

Han, Luke, Chewie, and Artoo are still bound to their poles. Han is
placed on a spit above what looks like a barbecue pit and the others
are leaned against a tree nearby. Threepio's litter/throne is gently
placed near the pit. He watches with rapt fascination. Han, Luke, and
Chewie are less than fascinated.

HAN
I have a really bad feeling about this.

Chewie growls his concern.

Suddenly all activity stops as LOGRAY, the tribal Medicine Man, comes
out of the big hut. He examines the captives carefully, goes to join
Threepio, whose throne has been placed on an elevated platform. A
larger, gray-haired Ewok, CHIEF CHIRPA, is examining Luke's lightsaber
with great curiosity.

Logray speaks to Threepio and the assemblage of fuzzy Ewoks, pointing
to the prisoners tied to the stakes. The Ewoks begin filling the pit
under Han with firewood.

HAN
What did he say?

THREEPIO
I'm rather embarrassed, General Solo, but it appears you are to be the
main course at a
banquet in my honor.

The drums start beating, and all the furry heads turn to the large hut.
Leia emerges, wearing an animal-skin dress. She sees what's happening
at the same moment the prisoners see her.

HAN and LUKE
Leia!

As she moves toward them, the Ewoks block her way with raised spears.

LEIA
Oh!

THREEPIO
Your Royal Highness.

Artoo and Chewie chime in with their welcome. Leia looks at the
assembled Ewoks and sighs.

LEIA
But these are my friends. Threepio, tell them they must be set free.

Threepio talks to Chirpa and Logray, who listen and shake their heads
negatively. The Medicine Man gestures toward the prisoners and barks
some orders. Several Ewoks jump up and pile more wood on the barbecue
with vigor. Leia trades frantic looks with Luke and Han .

HAN
Somehow, I got the feeling that didn't help us very much.

LUKE
Threepio, tell them if they don't do as you wish, you'll become angry
and use your magic.

THREEPIO
But Master Luke, what magic? I couldn't possibly --

LUKE
Just tell them.

Threepio speaks to the Ewoks. The Ewoks are disturbed. Logray steps
forward and challenges Threepio. Luke closes his eyes and begins to
concentrate.

THREEPIO
You see, Master Luke; they didn't believe me. Just...

Now the litter/throne, with Threepio sitting upon it, rises from the
ground. At first Threepio doesn't notice and keeps talking.

THREEPIO
... as I said they wouldn't. Wha-wha-what's happening! Oh! Oh, dear!
Oh!

The Ewoks fall back in terror from the floating throne. Now Threepio
begins to spin as though he were on a revolving stool, with Threepio
calling out in total panic at his situation.

THREEPIO
Put me down! He-e-elp! Master Luke! Artoo! Somebody, somebody, help!
Master Luke, Artoo! Artoo, quickly! Do something, somebody! Oh! Ohhh!

Chief Chirpa yells orders to the cowering Ewoks. They rush up and
release the bound prisoners. Luke and Han enfold Leia in a group
embrace. Luke notices the spinning Threepio, with Artoo beeping up at
him, and slowly lowers the golden droid and the throne to the ground.
Logray orders the little droid cut down. Artoo crashes to the ground.
When the Ewoks set him upright, the little droid is fighting mad. Artoo
beeps a blue streak at the nearest Ewok, and begins pursuing him,
finally getting close enough to zap him with an electric charge. The
Ewok jumps two feet in the air and runs away, screaming. A small group
of Ewoks surround the giant Wookiee, scratching their heads and
marveling at his height.

THREEPIO
Oh, oh, oh, oh! Thank goodness.

LUKE
Thanks, Threepio.

THREEPIO (still shaken)
I...I never knew I had it in me.

75 INT CHIEF'S HUT - COUNCIL OF ELDERS

A glowing fire dances in the center of the spartan, low-ceilinged room,
creating a kaleidoscope of shadows on the walls. Along one side, a
group of ten Ewok elders flank Chief Chirpa, who sits on his throne.
The Rebels sit along the walls of the hut, with Threepio between the
two groups and Wicket and Teebo off to one side.

Threepio is in the midst of a long, animated speech in the Ewok's
squeaky native tongue. The Ewoks listen carefully and occasionally
murmur comments to each other. Threepio points several times at the
Rebel group and pantomimes a short history of the Galactic Civil War,
mimicking the explosion and rocket sounds, imitating Imperial walkers.
Throughout the long account, certain familiar names are distinguishable
in English: Princess Leia, Artoo, Darth Vader, Death Star, Jedi, Obi-
Wan Kenobi. Artoo begins beeping excitedly at Threepio.

THREEPIO
Yes, Artoo. I was just coming to that.

Threepio continues with: Millennium Falcon, Cloud City, Vader, Han
Solo, carbonite, Sarlacc, bringing the history up to the present time.

At the end of it, the Chief, Logray, and the elders confer, then nod in
agreement. The Chief stands and makes a pronouncement.

The drums begin to sound, and all the Ewoks stand with a great cheer
and screeches.

HAN
What's going on?

LEIA
I don't know.

Luke has been sharing the joy with smiling visage, but now something
passes like a dark cloud through his consciousness. The others do not
notice.

THREEPIO
Wonderful! We are now a part of the tribe.

Several of the little teddy bears run up and hug the Rebels.

HAN
Just what I always wanted.

Chewbacca is being enthusiastically embraced by an Ewok, while Wicket
clings to Han's leg.

HAN (chuckles)
Well, short help is better than no help at all, Chewie.
(to Wicket)
Thank you. Okay.

THREEPIO
He says the scouts are going to show us the quickest way to the shield
generator.

Chewie barks. Luke has drifted to the back of the hut. Now he wanders
outside into the moonlight. Leia notices and follows.

HAN
Good. How far is it? Ask him. We need some fresh supplies, too. And try
and get our weapons back.

Han pulls Threepio back as he keeps trying to translate.

HAN (cont)
And hurry up, will ya? I haven't got all day.

76 EXT EWOK VILLAGE - NIGHT

The walkway is deserted now. The windows of the little huts glow and
flicker from the fires inside. The sounds of the forest fill the soft
night air. Luke has wandered away from the Chief's hut and stands
staring up at the Death Star. Leia finds him like that.

LEIA
Luke, what's wrong?

Luke turns and looks at her a long moment.

LUKE
Leia... do you remember your mother? Your real mother?

LEIA
Just a little bit. She died when I was very young.

LUKE
What do you remember?

LEIA
Just...images, really. Feelings.

LUKE
Tell me.

LEIA
(a little surprised at his insistence)
She was very beautiful. Kind, but...sad.
(looks up)
Why are you asking me all this?

He looks away.

LUKE
I have no memory of my mother. I never knew her.

LEIA
Luke, tell me. What's troubling you?

LUKE
Vader is here...now, on this moon.

LEIA (alarmed)
How do you know?

LUKE
I felt his presence. He's come for me. He can feel when I'm near.
That's why I have to go.
(facing her)
As long as I stay, I'm endangering the group and our mission here.
(beat)
I have to face him.

Leia is distraught, confused.

LEIA
Why?

Luke moves close and his manner is gentle. And very calm.

LUKE
He's my father.

LEIA
Your father?

LUKE
There's more. It won't be easy for you to hear it, but you must. If I
don't make it back, you're the only hope for the Alliance.

Leia is very disturbed by this. She moves away, as if to deny it.

LEIA
Luke, don't talk that way. You have a power I--I don't understand and
could never have.

LUKE
You're wrong, Leia. You have that power too. In time you'll learn to
use it as I have. The Force is strong in my family. My father has
it...I have it...and...my sister has it.

Leia stares into his eyes. What she sees there frightens her. But she
doesn't draw away. She begins to understand.

LUKE
Yes. It's you Leia.

LEIA
I know. Somehow...I've always known.

LUKE
Then you know why I have to face him.

LEIA
No! Luke, run away, far away. If he can feel your presence, then leave
this place. I wish I could go with you.

LUKE
No, you don't. You've always been strong.

LEIA
But, why must you confront him?

LUKE
Because...there is good in him. I've felt it. He won't turn me over to
the Emperor. I can save him. I can turn him back to the good side. I
have to try.

They hold each other close and look at each other, brother and sister.

Leia holds back her tears as Luke slowly lets her go and moves away. He
disappears onto the walkway that leads out of the village. Leia, bathed
in moonlight, watches him go as Han comes out of the Chief's hut and
comes over to her. Leia is crying, her body trembling. He realizes only
now that she is crying.

HAN
Hey, what's goin' on?

Leia attempts to stifle her sobs and wipes her eyes.

LEIA
Nothing. I - just want to be alone for a little while.

HAN (angry)
Nothing? Come on, tell me. What's goin' on?

She looks up at him, struggling to control herself.

LEIA
I...I can't tell you.

HAN (loses his temper)
Did you tell Luke? Is that who you could tell?

LEIA
I...

HAN
Ahhh...

He starts to walk away, exasperated, then stops and walks back to her.

HAN
I'm sorry.

LEIA
Hold me.

Han gathers her tightly in his protective embrace.

77 EXT FOREST - IMPERIAL LANDING PLATFORM

An Imperial shuttle floats down from the Death Star and lands
gracefully on the huge platform.

Now, an Imperial walker approaches the platform from the darkness of
the forest. The whole outpost - platform, walkers, military - looks
particularly offensive in the midst of this verdant beauty.

78 EXT IMPERIAL LANDING PLATFORM - LOWER DECK

Darth Vader walks down the ramp of the shuttle onto the platform, into
an elevator, and appears on a ramp on a lower level. He walks toward
another ramp exit and is met by two troopers and a commander with Luke,
in binders, at their center. The young Jedi gazes at Vader with
complete calm.

COMMANDER
This is a Rebel that surrendered to us. Although he denies it, I
believe there may be more of them, and I request permission to conduct
a further search of the area.

The commander extends his hand, revealing Luke's lightsaber.

COMMANDER
He was armed only with this.

Vader looks at Luke, turns away and faces the commander, taking the
lightsaber from the commander's hand.

VADER
Good work, Commander. Leave us. Conduct your search and bring his
companions to me.

COMMANDER
Yes, my Lord.

The officer and troops withdraw. Vader and Luke are left standing alone
in the oddly tranquil beauty of the place. The sounds of the forest
filter in upon them.

VADER
The Emperor has been expecting you.

LUKE
I know, father.

VADER
So, you have accepted the truth.

LURE
I've accepted the truth that you were once Anakin Skywalker, my father.

VADER (turning to face him)
That name no longer has any meaning for me.

[sammee:P]

YEAH YEAH YEAH

these long text....

[Gamerdog6482]

The Matrix (1999)
Agent Smith: You're empty.
Neo: So are you.

Agent Smith: We're willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start. All that we're asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known terrorist to justice.
Neo: Yeah. Well, that sounds like a pretty good deal. But I think I may have a better one. How about, I give you the finger
[He does]
Neo: and you give me my phone call.

Agent Smith: I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species and I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague and we are the cure.

Agent Smith: You hear that Mr. Anderson?... That is the sound of inevitability... It is the sound of your death... Goodbye, Mr. Anderson...
Neo: My name... is Neo.

Agent Smith: Never send a human to do a machine's job.

Agent Smith: Never send a human to do a machine's job.
Agent Brown: If, indeed, the insider has failed, they'll sever the connection as soon as possible. Unless...
Agent Jones: ...they're dead. In either case...
Agent Smith: ...we have no choice but to continue as planned. Deploy the sentinels. Immediately.

Neo: Yeah. That sounds like a really good deal. But I got a better one. How about... I give you the finger... and you give me my phone call?
Agent Smith: Mr. Anderson... you disappoint me.
Neo: You can't scare me with this Gestapo crap. I know my rights. I want my phone call.
Agent Smith: Tell me, Mr. Anderson... what good is a phone call... if you're unable to speak?

Agent Smith: It seems that you've been living two lives. One life, you're Thomas A. Anderson, program writer for a respectable software company. You have a social security number, pay your taxes, and you... help your landlady carry out her garbage. The other life is lived in computers, where you go by the hacker alias "Neo" and are guilty of virtually every computer crime we have a law for. One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not.

Lieutenant: I think we can handle one little girl. I sent two units, they're bringing her down now.
Agent Smith: No lieutenant, your men are already dead.

Agent Smith: Tell me, Mr. Anderson, what good is a phone call when you are unable to speak?

Agent Smith: I hate this place. This zoo. This prison. This reality, whatever you want to call it, I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink and every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by it.

Agent Smith: Did you know that the first Matrix was designed to be a perfect human world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be happy. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire crops were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect world. But I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through suffering and misery. The perfect world was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from. Which is why the Matrix was redesigned to this: the peak of your civilization.

Agent Brown: She got out.
Agent Smith: Doesn't matter.
Agent Brown: The informant is real.
Agent Smith: Yes.
Agent Jones: We have the name of their next target.
Agent Brown: The name is Neo.
Agent Smith: We'll need a search running.
Agent Jones: It has already begun.

Agent Smith: The great Morpheus. We meet at last.
Morpheus: And you are?
Agent Smith: A Smith. Agent Smith.
Morpheus: You all look the same to me.

Agent Smith: I'm going to enjoy watching you die, Mr. Anderson.

Agent Smith: As you can see, we've had our eye on you for some time now, Mr. Anderson.

Agent Smith: Dammit.
Agent Brown: The trace was completed.
Agent Jones: We have their position.
Agent Brown: Sentinels are standing by.
Agent Jones: Order the strike.
Agent Smith: They are not out yet.

Agent Smith: Find them and destroy them

[Agent Smith has shot Neo with several bullets]
Agent Smith: Check him.
[Agent Brown feels Neo's pulse]
Agent Brown: He's gone.
Agent Smith: Good bye, Mr Anderson.

Agent Smith: Lieutenant, you were given specific orders.
Lieutenant: I'm just doing my job. You give me that "juris-my-dick-tion" crap... you can cram it up your ass.

The Matrix Revolutions (2003)
Neo: What do you want?
Bane: I want what you want... Yes. That's it, Mr. Anderson. Look past the flesh. Look through the soft gelatin of these dull cow eyes and see your enemy!
Neo: ...No.
Bane: Oh yes, Mr. Anderson.
Neo: It can't be...
Bane: There's nowhere I can't go. There's nowhere I won't find you.
Neo: It's impossible...!
Bane: Not impossible. Inevitable. Goodbye, Mr. Anderson.

Neo: Who are you?
Bane: Still don't recognize me? I admit it is difficult to even think encased in this rotting piece of meat. The stink of it filling every breath, a suffocating cloud you can't escape. Disgusting. How pathetically fragile it is. Nothing this weak is meant to survive.

Bane: There is nowhere I can't go, there is nowhere I won't find you.

Bane: What's that for?
Maggie: To help you relax. To make it easier for you to remember.
Bane: What if I don't want to remember?
Maggie: Why would you want that?
Bane: What if I blew that EMP? What if I did destroy those ships and I am responsible for the deaths of all those men? If I did that, it wouldn't be very safe for me here, would it?
[Bane stabs her]
Bane: Of course, it might not be very safe for you, either.

[Bane is pointing a laser gun at Neo]
Bane: Somehow familiar, isn't it? We've been here before, you and I. Do you remember? I do. I think of nothing else.

Bane: Ah, Mr. Anderson, I see you are as predictable in this world as you are in the other.
Neo: What?
Trinity: He's out of his mind.
Bane: It may appear that way to you, but Mr. Anderson and I know that appearances can be deceiving.

Trinity: Do it, Neo.
Bane/Agent Smith: Yes, Shoot. Kill us. Fry us. Burn us alive.

[Bane/Smith has burned Neo's eyes out]
Bane: I wish you could see yourself Mr. Anderson... Blind messiah. You're a symbol for your kind, Mr. Anderson.

Agent Smith: Mr. Anderson. Welcome back, we missed you.
[Agent Smith pauses and looks around at the multitude of clones he has created]
Agent Smith: Like what I've done with the place?
Neo: It ends tonight.
Agent Smith: I know it does, I've seen it. That's why the rest of me is just going to enjoy the show because we already know that I'm the one that beats you.

Sati: [frightened] He's following us...
Agent Smith: [opens door] Well, well, it's been a long time.
[to Seraph]
Agent Smith: I remember chasing you is like chasing a ghost.
Seraph: I have beaten you before.
Agent Smith: Yes, but as you can see, things are a little different now.
[Smith clones begin to file in. The Smith who has been speaking squats down in front of Sati and speaks to her]
Agent Smith: And you must be the last Exile.
Sati: The Oracle told me about you.
Agent Smith: Oh, really?
[chuckles]
Agent Smith: What did she say about me?
Sati: That you are a bad man.
Agent Smith: Oh, I'm not so bad... once you get to know me...
[more Smiths file in]

Agent Smith: Why, Mr. Anderson? Why, why? Why do you do it? Why, why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting... for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. Temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although... only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?
Neo: Because I choose to.

Agent Smith: Can you feel it Mr. Anderson? Closing in on you? Oh I can, I really should thank you after all. It was, after all, it was your life that taught me the purpose of all life. The purpose of life is to end.

Agent Smith: This is my world! My world!

Agent Smith: Get away from me!
Neo: What are you afraid of?
Agent Smith: It's a trick.
Neo: You were right Smith. You're always right. It was inevitable.

Oracle: The great and powerful Oracle. We meet at last. I suppose you've been expecting me, right? The all-knowing Oracle is never surprised. How can she be, she knows everything. But If that's true, then why is she here? If she knew I was coming, why didn't she leave?
[sweeps plate of cookies off table]
Agent Smith: Maybe you knew I was going to do that, maybe you didn't. If you did, that means you baked those cookies and set that plate right there deliberately, purposefully. Which means you're sitting there also deliberately, purposefully.
Oracle: What did you do with Sati?
Agent Smith/Sati: Cookies need love like everything does.
Oracle: You are a bastard, you know that?
Agent Smith/Seraph: You would know, Mom.

Agent Smith: [as he and his clones are about to explode] Oh, no no no no... no, it's not fair!

Agent Smith: Wait. I've seen this. I stand here, right here, and I'm supposed to say something. I say, "Everything that has a beginning has an end, Neo."
[pause]
Agent Smith: What? What did I just say?

The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
Bane: Oh God.
Agent Smith: Smith will suffice.

Bane: Captain, I think we should volunteer.
Ballard: Shut your hole, Bane, before I put you in one.

Agent Thompson: You.
Agent Smith: Yes, me.
[turns Thompson into another Smith]
Agent Smith: Me... me... me...
Agent Smith Clone: Me too.

Agent Smith: The best thing about being me... There are so many "me"s.
[All the doors open, lots of Smith clones step out]

Agent Smith: I killed you, Mr. Anderson. I watched you die... with a certain satisfaction, I might add. Then something happened. something that I knew was impossible, but it happened anyway. You destroyed me, Mr. Anderson. After that, I understood the rules, I knew what I was supposed to do, but I didn't. I couldn't. I was compelled to stay, compelled to disobey. And now, here I stand because of you, Mr. Anderson. Because of you, I'm no longer an Agent of this system. Because of you, I've changed. I'm unplugged. A new man, so to speak. Like you, apparently, free.
Neo: Congratulations.
Agent Smith: Thank you.

Agent Smith: [to Neo] Still using all the muscles except the one that matters?

[to Morpheus]
Agent Smith: If you can't beat us...
Agent Smith Clone: ...join us.

Agent Smith: But, as you well know, appearances can be deceiving, which brings me back to the reason why we're here. We're not here because we're free. We're here because we're not free. There is no escaping reason; no denying purpose. Because as we both know, without purpose, we would not exist.
[Several Agent Smith Clones walk in]
Agent Smith Clone 1: It is purpose that created us.
Agent Smith Clone 2: Purpose that connects us.
Agent Smith Clone 3: Purpose that pulls us.
Agent Smith Clone 4: That guides us.
Agent Smith Clone 5: That drives us.
Agent Smith Clone 6: It is purpose that defines us.
Agent Smith Clone 7: Purpose that binds us.
Agent Smith: We are here because of you, Mr Anderson. We're here to take from you what you tried to take from us.
[Attempts to copy himself into Neo]
Agent Smith: Purpose.

Agent Smith: I'm looking for Neo.
Corrupt: Never heard of him.
Agent Smith: I have something for him, a gift. You see, he set me free...
[Hands over a small envelope through slit in door]
Corrupt: Fine, whatever. Now, piss off.

Agent Smith: I want everything.
Morpheus: Would that include a bullet from this gun?

Agent Smith: Mr. Anderson, welcome back. Surprised to see me?
Neo: No.
Agent Smith: Then you're aware of it?
Neo: Of what?
Agent Smith: Our connection.

Agent Smith: You look surprised to see me, again, Mr. Anderson. That's the difference between us. I've been *expecting* you.

Agent Smith: Mister Anderson, you look surprised to see me, again.

[after Neo has just defeated three Agents]
Agent Smith: That went as expected...
Agent Smith Clone: Yes.
Agent Smith: It's all happening exactly as before...
Agent Smith Clone: Well, not exactly...
[Agent Smith Clone smiles]

Agent Smith: [echoing] It is inevitable.

Enter the Matrix (2003) (VG)
Niobe: Who are you?
Agent Smith: Me? I guess you could say, that I am the Alpha...
Agent Smith Clone#1: ...Of your Omega.
Agent Smith Clone#2: I am the Beginning...
Agent Smith Clone#3: ...Of your End.

Agent Smith: Damn, not who I was hoping for.

[sammee:P]

Seriously?! im fkin tired of these long text.... stawp

[Gamerdog6482]

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4 Days Ago #1666
Misery Misery is offline
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Hivhwkrnk;Wbnk;Ent;



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Hot Deals - Updated Weekly Starcraft 2 for $19.99 Saints Row 4 Preorder $59.99 + $10 gift card E-3lue Cobra 1600dpi Gaming Mouse for $9.95 GTA V for $59.99
4 Days Ago #1667
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fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck



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4 Days Ago #1668
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I'm super happy! this site just gave me a iTunes Card Code and it was legit! If you want one here: https://linkbitty.com/freeitunes2014
Read more at https://freeitunesforever.com/#olgiomG6UZ2kAISY.99
https://www.youtube.com/user/MinecraftFinest

https://www.mpgh.net/forum/735-minecr...-scrapper.html




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4 Days Ago #1669
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wtf... why spam those " free codes whatever shit" here.... those things are just bullshit



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3 Days Ago #1670
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This thread is the reason MPGH is laggy




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im sorry !! i stand for like 60 % off all post so... im sorry

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Quote Originally Posted by Gamerdog6482 View Post


FOR THE LAST TIME
POSTS IN THE SPAM CORNER DO NOT INCREASE YOUR POST COUNT for obvious reasons.

Your fun gifs are so woman degrading.
...

Spammers, ey? Well, I'm just going to fuck this up.

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.

"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.

"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.

"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."

"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"

"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.

"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."

"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"

"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"

"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

"Yeah, they do," said Jack.

"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.

"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."

"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"

"Right," nodded Nate.

"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

"That takes two requests, Jack."

"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."

"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"

"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.

"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."

"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"

"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.

"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"

"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."

"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.

"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."

"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.

"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.

"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.

"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

"Why not?" asked Jack.

"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."

"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"

"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

Nate continued to grin.

"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"

"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."

"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"

"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"

"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."

"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"

"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."

"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"

"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"

"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."

"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he
thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

"Nate, do accidents count?"

Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
that still wipe out humanity?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a
rock?"

"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by
the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that
in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they
wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
whatever had disappeared."

"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
right?" asked Jack.

"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat
sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and
he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he
told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

"And then he just died?" asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only
one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his
time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always
had.

After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
with the sunrise."

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's
lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to
avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see
Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he
'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this
visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at
Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's
silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.

"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I
assume?"

Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to
have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.

"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can
do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was
something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
"Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my
first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
needed a replacement."

Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about
this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would
be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
was, "What do you want me to do?"

Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
able to die. And I need you to kill me.

"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so
that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of
going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work,
even on me.

"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."

Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
headed into the desert with Sammy following.
Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through
e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting
every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a
natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up
acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to
keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were
nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a
few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle
them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few
wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to
head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to
figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either
have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out
into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds,
revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed
up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd
decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing
traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the
other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
laughing at Jack's driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV
started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped
the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and
faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end
humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer
away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the
stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER," he ran over the snake.



THE END


* * * *

* * * *

* * * *

* * * *


PLEASE READ:

This joke was also a personality profile test...

It was the subject of a recent Educational Psychology Master's Thesis, soon to be published, which investigated the way that someone responds to a webpage such as this correlates to certain personality tendencies.

The research confirmed a statistically significant correlation which strongly suggests a dependably predictive positive relationship between how a person responds to this page and certain aspects of his or her psychological profile. Thus, it is called the Personality Profile Assessment Test Hypothesis.

While the actual results looked at several complex factors, and depended heavily on questionnaires filled out by volunteers upon completion of their experience, I will simplify the results by discussing three main groups and their profiles. While these profiles may not be exactly fitting of each person within each group, they do strongly suggest a statistically significant likelihood of profile similarity.



11% of those who see this page take their time, enjoying the joke as they read it, enjoying the build up to the punch line, and even if the punch line itself wasn’t particularly humorous, they tended to enjoy the process.



56% begin scroll down to the punch line either before starting to read the joke or within a short period of time- usually 20 seconds or less. The vast majority of this group choose not to read the joke.


33% read at least 1/3 of the joke, with the intention of reading it all, but then begin to question their decision and the investment of time they are making. They go back and forth between deciding to continuing or to skip to the end (this vacillating may be unconscious at the time, and happen in a matter of moments). The vast majority in this group give up before finishing ½ of the joke, and scroll to the end.

People in the first group, who read the entire joke, tend to enjoy the journey of life, and take their time as they move towards a goal. When traveling, they tend to thoroughly enjoy the process, and are not uptight or stressed about single-mindedly getting to their destination. They also tend to be very attentive, patient and long lasting lovers, and enjoy intimacy and physical connectivity whether or not it is carried to completion.

Those in the second group, who scroll to the end before reading more than a few sentences of the joke, tend to avoid surprises and the unknown. They prefer to have a regular schedule and not to step out of their routine. They tend to be efficient, but are often lacking in enjoyment, spontaneity and passion. They tend to be less patient and more interested in the destination than the journey. When on a trip, they tend to focus on getting where they are going, rather than enjoying the process. During intimacy, they tend to not be able to enjoy it unless they are certain it will be taken to completion. The idea of just “playing around” a while, engaging in physical intimacy without the promise of full completion is, rather than simply enjoyable and connective, considered to be “cruel” and a “teasing” and is met with resentment. This group’s ability to enjoy depends largely on their need to know what is going to happen. They tend to be more self-focused lovers, and tend not to last very long in satisfying the other partner if their own satisfaction has happened or is within easy reach.

The third group, who decided not to read the entire joke after reading a third or more of it, tend to be commitment-phobic and lack the ability to move forward to completion when things become challenging. They are often procrastinators and frequently give up on tasks when they become more difficult. They tend to prefer to have big dreams than act on them in the real, challenging world. A significantly higher percentage of this group had Cesarean birth, and may not have had the benefit of that early experience of struggle and effort being rewarded with accomplishment. This group tends to not take big vacations which would take more effort to plan and implement, and tends to stay close to home or even stay home during time off. Promotions and career moves which are within reach but still require some effort and focus are frequently not fully tried for, although the perception will be they were passed up. In intimate relationships, this group tends to start out romantic and passionate, but it quickly fades and is replaced by lackadaisicalness and indifference, characterized in part by a sense of feeling it is not worth the effort to continue having a passionate, energized and complete experience during intimacy. There is a tendency to “peter out” both in intimacy and in other aspects of life, and to take the easier road, even if it leads to a less fulfilling life.


* * * *

Disclaimer: This summary of the thesis results is not intended in any way to offer advice or therapy, nor is it intended to infer anything about whether anyone reading this page does or does not fit the personality profiles described.



* * * *










This ends the longest joke in the world. (More than 42 meters long, top to bottom).














Turning on 12 year old boys since May 2014.
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Lol, already read it on the other thread! pretty funny,

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RETURN
OF THE
JEDI


1 SPACE

The boundless heavens serve as a back-drop for the MAIN TITLE, followed
by a ROLL-UP, which crawls into infinity.

Episode VI
RETURN OF THE JEDI

Luke Skywalker has returned to his home planet of Tatooine in an
attempt to rescue his friend Han Solo from the clutches of theÊvile
gangster Jabba the Hutt. Little does Luke know that the GALACTIC EMPIRE
has secretly begun construction on a new armored space station even
more powerful than the first dreaded Death Star. When completed, this
ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of Rebels
struggling to restore freedom to the galaxy...

PAN DOWN to reveal a monstrous half-completed Death Star, its massive
superstructure curling away from the completed section like the arms of
a giant octopus. Beyond, in benevolent contrast, floats the small,
green moon of ENDOR.

An Imperial Star Destroyer moves overhead toward the massive armored
space station, followed by two zipping TIE fighters. A small Imperial
shuttle rockets from the main bay of the ship and hustles toward the
Death Star.

2 INT IMPERIAL SHUTTLE - COCKPIT
The shuttle captain makes contact with the Death Star.

SHUTTLE CAPTAIN
Command station, this is ST 321. Code Clearance Blue. We're starting
our approach. Deactivate the security shield.

DEATH STAR CONTROLLER (filtered VO)
The security deflector shield will be deactivated when we have
confirmation of your code transmission. Stand by... You are clear to
proceed.

SHUTTLE CAPTAIN
We're starting our approach.

3 INT DEATH STAR - CONTROL ROOM

Operators move about among the control panels. A SHIELD OPERATOR hits
switches beside a large screen, on which is a display of the Death
Star, the moon Endor, and a bright web delineating the invisible
deflector shield.

A control officer rushes over to the shield operator.

OFFICER
Inform the commander that Lord Vader's shuttle has arrived.

OPERATOR
Yes, sir.

The control officer moves to a view port and watches as the Imperial
shuttle lands in the massive docking bay. A squad of Imperial
stormtroopers moves into formation before the craft.

4 INT DEATH STAR - MAIN DOCKING BAY

The DEATH STAR COMMANDER, MOFF JERJERROD, a tall, confident technocrat,
strides through the assembled troops to the base of the shuttle ramp.
The troops snap to attention; many are uneasy about the new arrival.
But the Death Star commander stands arrogantly tall.

The exit hatch of the shuttle opens with a WHOOSH, revealing only
darkness. Then, heavy FOOTSTEPS AND MECHANICAL BREATHING. From this
black void appears DARTH VADER, LORD OF THE SITH. Vader looks over the
assemblage as he walks down the ramp.

JERJERROD
Lord Vader, this is an unexpected pleasure. We're honored by your
presence.

VADER
You may dispense with the pleasantries, Commander. I'm here to put you
back on
schedule.

The commander turns ashen and begins to shake.

JERJERROD
I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can.

VADER
Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them.

JERJERROD
I tell you, this station will be operational as planned.

VADER
The Emperor does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation.

JERJERROD
But he asks the impossible. I need more men.

VADER
Then perhaps you can tell him when he arrives.

JERJERROD (aghast)
The Emperor's coming here?

VADER
That is correct, Commander. And he is most displeased with your
apparent lack of progress.

JERJERROD
We shall double our efforts.

VADER
I hope so, Commander, for your sake. The Emperor is not as forgiving as
I am.

5 EXT ROAD TO JABBA'S PALACE - TATOOINE

A lonely, windswept road meanders through the desolate Tatooine
terrain. We HEAR a familiar BEEPING and a distinctive reply before
catching sight of ARTOO-DETOO and SEE-THREEPIO, making their way along
the road toward the ominous palace of Jabba the Hutt.

THREEPIO
Of course I'm worried. And you should be, too. Lando Calrissian and
poor Chewbacca never returned from this awful place.

Artoo whistles timidly.

THREEPIO
Don't be so sure. If I told you half the things I've heard about this
Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short-circuit.

The two droids fearfully approach the massive gate to the palace.

THREEPIO
Artoo, are you sure this is the right place? I better knock, I suppose.

6 EXT JABBA'S PALACE - GATE

Threepio looks around for some kind of signaling device, then timidly
knocks on the iron door.

THREEPIO (instantly)
There doesn't seem to be anyone there. Let's go back and tell Master
Luke.

A small hatch in the middle of the door opens and a spidery mechanical
arm, with a large electronic eyeball on the end, pops out and inspects
the two droids.

STRANGE VOICE
Tee chuta hhat yudd!

THREEPIO
Goodness gracious me!

Threepio points to Artoo, then to himself.

THREEPIO
Artoo Detoowha bo Seethreepiowha ey toota odd mischka Jabba du Hutt.

The eye looks from one robot to the other, there is a laugh then the
eye zips back into the door. The hatch slams shut. Artoo beeps his
concern.

THREEPIO
I don't think they're going to let us in, Artoo. We'd better go.

Artoo beeps his reluctance as Threepio turns to leave. Suddenly the
massive door starts to rise with a horrific metallic SCREECH. The
robots turn back and face an endless black cavity. The droids look at
one another, afraid to enter.

Artoo starts forward into the gloom. Threepio rushes after his stubby
companion. The door lowers noisily behind them.

THREEPIO
Artoo, wait. Oh, dear! Artoo. Artoo, I really don't think we should
rush into all this.

Artoo continues down the corridor, with Threepio following.

THREEPIO
Oh, Artoo! Artoo, wait for me!

7 INT JABBA'S PALACE - HALLWAY

The door slams shut with a loud crash that echoes throughout the dark
passageway. The frightened robots are met by two giant, green GAMORREAN
GUARDS, who fall in behind them. Threepio glances quickly back at the
two lumbering brutes, then back to Artoo. One guard grunts an order.
Artoo beeps nervously.

THREEPIO
Just you deliver Master Luke's message and get us out of here. Oh my!
Oh! Oh, no.

Walking toward them out of the darkness is BIB FORTUNA, a humanlike
alien with long tentacles protruding from his skull.

BIB
Die Wanna Wanga!

THREEPIO
Oh, my! Die Wanna Wauaga. We -- we bring a message to your master,
Jabba the Hutt.

Artoo lets out a series of quick beeps.

THREEPIO (cont)
...and a gift.
(thinks a moment, then to Artoo)
Gift, what gift?

Bib shakes his head negatively.

BIB
Nee Jabba no badda. Me chaade su goodie.

Bib holds out his hand toward Artoo and the tiny droid backs up a bit,
letting out a protesting array of squeaks. Threepio turns to the
strange-looking alien.

THREEPIO
He says that our instructions are to give it only to Jabba himself.

Bib thinks about this for a moment.

THREEPIO
I'm terribly sorry. I'm afraid he's ever so stubborn about these sort
of things.

Bib gestures for the droids to follow.

BIB
Nudd Chaa.

The droids follow the tall, tentacled alien into the darkness, trailed
by the two guards.

THREEPIO
Artoo, I have a bad feeling about this.

8 INT JABBA'S THRONE ROOM

The throne room is filled with the vilest, most grotesque CREATURES
ever conceived in the universe. Artoo and Threepio seem very small as
they pause in the doorway to the dimly lit chamber. Light shafts
partially illuminate the drunken courtiers as Bib Fortuna crosses the
room to the platform upon which rests the leader of this nauseating
crowd: JABBA THE HUTT. The monarch of the galactic underworld is a
repulsive blob of bloated fat with a maniacal grin. Chained to the
horrible creature is the beautiful alien female dancer named OOLA. At
the foot of the dais sits an obnoxious birdlike creature, SALACIOUS
CRUMB. Bib whispers something in the slobbering degenerate's ear. Jabba
laughs horribly, at the two terrified droids before him. Threepio bows
politely.

THREEPIO
Good morning.

JABBA
Bo Shuda!

The robots jump forward to stand before the repulsive, loose-skinned
villain.

THREEPIO
The message, Artoo, the message.

Artoo whistles, and a beam of light projects from his domed head,
creating a hologram of LUKE on the floor. The image grows to over ten
feet tall, and the young Jedi towers over the space gangsters.

LUKE
Greetings, Exalted One. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Luke
Skywalker, Jedi Knight and friend to Captain Solo. I know that you are
powerful, mighty Jabba, and that your anger with Solo must be equally
powerful. I seek an audience with Your Greatness to bargain for Solo's
life.
(Jabba's crowd laughs)
With your wisdom, I'm sure that we can work out an arrangement which
will be mutually beneficial and enable us to avoid any unpleasant
confrontation. As a token of my goodwill, I present to you a gift:
these two droids.

Threepio is startled by this announcement.

THREEPIO
What did he say?

LUKE (cont)
... Both are hardworking and will serve you well.

THREEPIO
This can't be! Artoo, you're playing the wrong message.

Luke's hologram disappears.

Jabba laughs while Bib speaks to him in Huttese.

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
There will be no bargain.

THREEPIO
We're doomed.

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
I will not give up my favorite decoration. I like Captain Solo where he
is.

Jabba laughs hideously and looks toward an alcove beside the throne.
Hanging high, flat against the wall, exactly as we saw him last, is a
carbonized HAN SOLO.

THREEPIO
Artoo, look! Captain Solo. And he's still frozen in carbonite.

9 INT DUNGEON CORRIDOR

One of Jabba's Gamorrean guards marches Artoo and Threepio down a dank,
shadowy passageway lined with holding cells. The cries of unspeakable
creatures bounce off the cold stone walls. Occasionally a repulsive arm
or tentacle grabs through the bars at the hapless droids. Artoo beeps
pitifully.

THREEPIO
What could possibly have come over Master Luke. Is it something I did?
He never expressed any unhappiness with my work. Oh! Oh! Hold it! Ohh!

A large tentacle wraps around Threepio's neck. He manages to break
free, and they move on to a door at the end of the corridor.

10 INT BOILER ROOM

The door slides open, revealing a room filled with steam and noisy
machinery. The guard motions them into the boiler room, where they are
met by a tall, thin humanlike robot named EV-9D9. Behind the robot can
be seen a torture rack pulling the legs off a screaming baby work
droid. A second power droid is upside down. As smoking branding irons
are pressed into his feet, the stubby robot lets out an agonized
electronic scream. Artoo and Threepio cringe as the guard grunts to EV-
9D9.

NINEDENINE
Ah, good. New acquisitions. You are a protocol droid, are you not?

THREEPIO
I am See-Threepio, human-cy...

NINEDENINE
Yes or no will do.

THREEPIO
Oh. Well, yes.

NINEDENINE
How many languages do you speak?

THREEPIO
I am fluent in over six million forms of communication, and can
readily...

NINEDENINE
Splendid! We have been without an interpreter since our master got
angry with our last protocol droid and disintegrated him.

THREEPIO
Disintegrated?

NINEDENINE (to a Gamorrean guard)
Guard! This protocol droid might be useful. Fit him with a restraining
bolt and take him back to His Excellency's main audience chamber.

The guard shoves Threepio toward the door.

THREEPIO (disappearing)
Artoo, don't leave me! Ohhh!

Artoo lets out a plaintive cry as the door closes. Then he beeps
angrily.

NINEDENINE
You're a feisty little one, but you'll soon learn some respect. I have
need for you on the master's Sail Barge. And I think you'll fit in
nicely.

The poor work droid in the background lets out another tortured
electronic scream.

11 INT JABBA'S THRONE ROOM

The court of Jabba the Hutt is in the midst of a drunken, raucous
party. Sloppy, smelly monsters cheer and make rude noises as Oola and a
fat female dancer perform in front of Jabba's throne.

Jabba leers at the dancers and with a lustful gleam in his eye beckons
Oola to come and sit with him. She stops dancing and backs away,
shaking her head. Jabba gets angry and points to a spot next to him.

JABBA
Da Eitha!

The lovely alien shakes her head again and screams.

OOLA
Na Chuba negatorie Na! Na! Natoota...

Jabba is furious and pulls her toward him, tugging on the chain.

JABBA
Boscka!

He pushes a button and, before the dancer can flee, a trap door in the
floor springs open and swallows her up. As the door snaps shut, a
muffled growl is followed by a hideous scream. Jabba and his monstrous
friends laugh hysterically and several revelers hurry over to watch her
fate through a grate.

Threepio cringes and glances wistfully at the carbonite form of Han
Solo, but is immediately distracted by a gunshot offscreen.ÊAn
unnatural quiet sweeps the boisterous gathering. On the far side of the
room, the crush of debauchers moves aside to allow the approach of two
guards followed by BOUSHH, an oddly cloaked bounty hunter, leading his
captive, Han Solo's copilot, CHEWBACCA THE WOOKIEE.

Bib takes his place next to his disgusting master, and whispers into
his ear, pointing at Chewbacca and the bounty hunter. Jabba listens
intently, then the bounty hunter bows before the gangster and speaks a
greeting in a strange, electronically processed tongue (Ubese).

BOUSHH (in Ubese subtitled)
I have come for the bounty on this Wookiee.

THREEPIO
Oh, no! Chewbacca!

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
At last we have the mighty Chewbacca.

Jabba lets out a loud, long, blood-curdling laugh and turns to
Threepio, waving him closer. The reluctant droid obeys.

THREEPIO
Oh, uh, yes, uh, I am here, Your Worshipfulness. Uh... yes!

Jabba continues speaking, as Threepio nervously translates. Boushh
listens, studying the dangerous creatures around the room. He notices
BOBA FETT standing near the door.

THREEPIO
Oh. The illustrious Jabba bids you welcome and will gladly pay you the
reward of twenty-five thousand.

BOUSHH (in Ubese subtitled)
I want fifty thousand. No less.

Jabba immediately flies into a rage, knocking the golden droid off the
raised throne into a clattering heap on the floor. Boushh adjusts his
weapon as Jabba raves in Huttese and Threepio struggles back onto the
throne. The disheveled droid tries to compose himself.

THREEPIO
Uh, oh... but what, what did I say?
(to Boushh)
Uh, the mighty Jabba asks why he must pay fifty thousand.

The bounty hunter holds up a small silver ball in his hand. Threepio
looks at it, then looks at Jabba, then back to the bounty hunter. The
droid is very nervous and Jabba is getting very impatient.

THREEPIO
Because he's holding a thermal detonator.

The guards instantly back away, as do most of the other monsters in the
room. Jabba stares at the silver ball, which begins to glow in the
bounty hunter's hand. The room has fallen into a tense hush. Jabba
stares at the bounty hunter malevolently until a sly grin creeps across
his vast mouth and he begins to laugh.

JABBA (in Huttese subtitled)
This bounty hunter is my kind of scum. Fearless and inventive.

Jabba continues.

THREEPIO
Jabba offers the sum of thirty-five. And I suggest you take it.

Bib and the other monsters study the bounty hunter and wait for his
reaction. Boushh releases a switch on the thermal detonator and it goes
dead.

BOUSHH
Zeebuss.

THREEPIO
He agrees!

The raucous crowd of monsters erupts in a symphony of cheers and
applause as the party returns to its full noisy pitch. Chewbacca
growls. As he is led away we spot LANDO CALRISSIAN, disguised as a
skiff guard in a partial face mask. The band starts up and dancing
girls take the center of the floor, to the hoots of the loudly
appreciative creatures.

Boushh leans against a column with gunfighter cool and ******s the
scene, his gaze stopping only when it connects with a glare from across
the room. Boba Fett is watching him. Boushh shifts slightly, cradling
his weapon lovingly. Boba Fett shifts with equally ominous arrogance.ZE]

[JasonWarren01]

[QUOTE=Mc565;7090400][FONT="Book Antiqua"][COLOR="Gray"][SIZE="3"]

winning because i can