Jokes

[jmc123]

A 3 year old kid was listening to his dad talking to his boss when the kid heard his dad say “Bitch that Bastard!” Eventually they left and on the way home the son asked “Daddy What does Bitch and Bastard mean?” And the dad replied “It means Girls and Boys son” Once they got home there mom started making dinner and she cut herself with a knife and said “Fuck!” and the son was listening so later the son asked “What does Fuck mean mommy” And his mom said “Cutting son”. After that he went upstairs to his dads bathroom and saw him shaving he cut him self and said Shit and the son overheard and eventually asked him what Shit meant and the dad said “Shaving cream son” Then the doorbell rang and the little kid answered it was a boy and a girl and they wanted his parents so he told them “Hello Bitches and Bastards my Mom is in the kitchen fucking herself and my dads in his bathroom putting shit on his face”

There were three men, all sleeping in the same bed in a small hotel room because on of them messed up their reservation. They all dreamt that night. The man on the right side of the bed dreamt that he was getting a hand job from the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen. The man on the left side of the bed dreamt almost the same thing, only with two girls. The next morning, they all told each other their dream. The man on the right side of the bed said, “man, i had an awesome dream last night! I dreamt that the hottest girl i ever saw was giving me a hand job!” The man on the left side of the bed, after hearing this, exclaimed “Wow! Me too! Only they were two of the most beautiful girls i have ever seen! After this, the man who slept in the middle of the bed said “Wow, awesome dreams, but mine beats them all. I dreamt that i was skiing!

Yo momma is so ugly I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application!

There is two kids playing in a sandbox. One was a boy, and the other kid was a girl. The boy pulled down his pants and the girl asked “what’s that”? The boy said “I don’t know, I’ll ask my dad. When the boy got home, he pulled down his pants and asked his dad “what’s this”? His dad said “thats your car, you always want to put your car into a girl’s garage”. When the girl went home, she asked her mom “whats this”? Her mom told her “that’s a garage, you never want a boy to put his car into your garage”. The next day, the boy and the girl went back to the sandbox. The boy tried to put his car into the girl’s garage. The next thing you heard was a loud scream. Then an old man came running over and asked “what happened”? The girl told him “the boy was trying to put his car into my garage, so I pulled his two back tires off”.

this shows our reliance to computers:

to find if you are a boy or a girl,look down

not here,idiot


Press thanks if they were funny.

[DoubleDutch]

wrong section

[Micheltjuh]

too long jokes aren't funny.

[jmc123]

wrong section

Sorry, I think there are to many sections.....

[darky dark]

long jokes re boring

[DoubleDutch]

Sorry, I think there are to many sections.....

There is something called 'entertainment'

[Micheltjuh]

OH, I FORGOT
YE HE HAS A YO MOMMA JOKE!!

Your Mom is so Fat . . .

* Your mom is so fat, she lacks a nutritious diet and doesn't get enough exercise
* Your mom is so fat, when she sat on memory foam, it forgot.
* Your mom is so fat, she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in.
* Your mom is so fat, when she goes to the beach, people yell out, "Whale Sighting!"
* Your mom is so fat, she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy.
* Your mom is so fat, she influences the tides.
* Your mom is so fat, whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in.
* Your mom is so fat, she has her own zip code.
* Your mom is so fat, she lives in two time zones.
* Your mom is so fat, it takes a train to get on her good side.
* Your mom is so fat, that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
* Your mom is so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
* Your mom is so fat, whenever she turns around they throw a welcome-back party.
* Your mom is so fat, every time she turns around its her birthday.
* Your mom is so fat, she jumps up in the air and gets stuck.
* Your mom is so fat, when she jumps she ends up in Australia.
* Your mom is so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.
* Your mom is so fat, she plays hopscotch like this: California, Nevada, Arizona…
* Your mom is so fat, when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th.
* Your mom is so fat, when she dances the band skips.
* Your mom is so fat, she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals.
* Your mom is so fat, every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil.
* Your mom is so fat, she stepped on a dollar and got change.
* Your mom is so fat, when she steps on a scale it reads, "One at a time, please."
* Your mom is so fat, when she steps on a scale it reads, "To be continued."
* Your mom is so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to get the fuck off.
* Your mom is so fat, she thought gravy was a beverage.
* Your mom is so fat, I took her to dinner and the waitress took her order in shorthand
* Your mom is so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
* Your mom is so fat, she went to the salad bar and pulled up a chair.
* Your mom is so fat, when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet they have to install speed bumps.
* Your mom is so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says, "Okay!"
* Your mom is so fat, she broke her leg and gravy poured out.
* Your mom is so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
* Your mom is so fat, the only wiener she'll ever get is a hot dog.
* Your mom is so fat, her first love was Krispy Kreme.
* Your mom is so fat, she uses the Eiffel Tower as a tooth pick.
* Your mom is so fat, she has to use a satellite dish as a cereal bowl.
* Your mom is so fat, she thinks that Niagara Falls is a drinking fountain.
* Your mom is so fat, McDonald's set up shop in her house.
* Your mom is so fat, her best friends are Ronald McDonald, Burger King and Betty Crocker.
* Your mom is so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people call out to her, "Taxi!"
* Your mom is so fat, when she wears a yellow coat she looks like a school bus.
* Your mom is so fat, she has an sign on her back that says "wide load".
* Your mom is so fat, when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
* Your mom is so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.
* Your mom is so fat, when her beeper goes off people think she’s backing up.
* Your mom is so fat, she bungee jumps and falls straight to Hell.
* Your mom is so fat, when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too.
* Your mom is so fat, they use her underwear elastic for bungee jumping.
* Your mom is so fat, when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
* Your mom is so fat, even the AIDS quilt wouldn't cover her.
* Your mom is so fat, she has a run in her blue-jeans.
* Your mom is so fat, she uses hula hoops to hold up her socks.
* Your mom is so fat, when she took her dress to the cleaner they said, "Sorry, but we don't do curtains."
* Your mom is so fat, she's got to iron her pants on the driveway.
* Your mom is so fat, she has to wear Levi’s 1002s.
* Your mom is so fat, when she wears white, she looks like the Michelin man.
* Your mom is so fat, when she wears red, she looks like the Kool-Aid man.
* Your mom is so fat, when she wears an "X" helicopters land on her.
* Your mom is so fat, she's got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.
* Your mom is so fat, she can't reach her back pocket.
* Your mom is so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
* Your mom is so fat, she needs a boomerang to put her belt on.
* Your mom is so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the New World.
* Your mom is so fat, we get a drought every time she takes a shower.
* Your mom is so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
* Your mom is so fat, she uses the Freeway as a Slip ’n’ Slide.
* Your mom is so fat, she’s still waiting for someone to fill the Grand Canyon so she can take a bath.
* Your mom is so fat, they have to grease the bath tub to get her out.
* Your mom is so fat, you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through
* Your mom is so fat, she went to Disneyland and got group discounts.
* Your mom is so fat, Santa asked her to cover for him.
* Your mom is so fat, when she sits around the house, she literally sits AROUND the house.
* Your mom is so fat, every time she walks her butt claps.
* Your mom is so fat, she's on both sides of the family.
* Your mom is so fat, when she falls out of bed she falls on both sides.
* Your mom is so fat, her will states that she wants to be donated to Ripley's Believe It or Not.
* Your mom is so fat, you need a Thomas Guide to find her asshole.
* Your mom is so fat, when she walked past the television, I missed three episodes.
* Your mom is so fat, she got stuck in the garage.
* Your mom is so fat, when she was a kid she could only play seek.
* Your mom is so fat, it took five UFOs to abduct her.
* Your mom is so fat, we're in her right now.
* Your mom is so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
* Your mom is so fat, when you get on top of her your ears pop.
* Your mom is so fat, when she has sex she has to give directions.
* Your mom is so fat, she wakes up in sections.
* Your mom is so fat, when she goes to an amusement park people try to ride HER.
* Your mom is so fat, she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book.
* Your mom is so fat, that her senior pictures had to be arial views.
* Your mom is so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets.
* Your mom is so fat, when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
* Your mom is so fat, the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures.
* Your mom is so fat, they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
* Your mom is so fat, that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
* Your mom is so fat, the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts.
* Your mom is so fat, she was Miss Arizona...class Battleship.
* Your mom is so fat, she was zoned for commercial development.
* Your mom is so fat, her nickname is "DAAAMN!"
* Your mom is so fat, she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.
* Your mom is so fat, she fell in love and broke it.
* Your mom is so fat, when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
* Your mom is so fat, she ordered a double room for a singles weekend.
* Your mom is so fat, she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
* Your mom is so fat, that I really don't need to make a joke, it sells it self.
* Your mom is so fat, she makes Shay look like the Olsen Twins.
* Your mom is so fat, that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
* Your mom is so fat, the only armor she can use in World of Warcraft is of the whale.
* Your mom is so fat, NASA is planning a mission to put a man on her.
* Your mom is so fat, miners dig for diamonds in her footprints.
* Your mom is so fat, she has to live on another planet.
* Your mom is so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh-eating variant of Staphlococcus aureus, the doctor gave her five years to live.
* Your mom is so fat, no one can talk behind her back.
* Your mom is so fat, when she went to a dating service, they matched her up with Detroit
* Your mom is so fat when she went to a concert, she had to buy 1 million tickets just to fit her ass
* Your mom is so fat, you can swim in her belly button

Your Mom is so Stupid . . .

[Expand for STUPID jokes]

* Your mom is so stupid, she got locked in a bathroom and pissed in her pants.
* Your mom is so stupid, she tried to steal free samples.
* Your mom is so stupid, she returned a doughnut because it had a hole in it.
* Your mom is so stupid, she has no feet and complains her shoes are too tight.
* Your mom is so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
* Your mom is so stupid, she set the VCR for 2 hours to record 60 minutes.
* Your mom is so stupid, she asked me "What does Yield mean?" and I said, "Slow down." And she said, slowly, "W H A T D O E S Y I E L D M E A N ?"
* Your mom is so stupid, she froze to death in a furnace.
* Your mom is so stupid, she burned to death in a freezer.
* Your mom is so stupid, she thought a paramedic was two doctors.
* Your mom is so stupid, she tried to change the channel on a TV dinner.
* Your mom is so stupid, she got stabbed at a shoot-out.
* Your mom is so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.
* Your mom is so stupid, she thought she'd unravel if she touched bellybutton

Your Mom is so Old . . .

[Expand for OLD jokes]

* Your mom is so old that I told her to act her age and she died.
* Your mom is so old that she farts dust.
* Your mom is so old that the milk in her tits is expired.
* Your mom is so old that Moses is in her yearbook.
* Your mom is so old that she owes Jesus a quarter.
* Your mom is so old that she only has two teeth and they're both in her pocket!
* Your mom is so old that she has an autographed version of the Bible.
* Your mom is so old that when she was born the Dead Sea was just getting sick.
* Your mom is so old that she reminisces when she reads the Bible.
* Your mom is so old that she went to the Virgin Mary's baby shower.
* Your mom is so old that she knew Burger King when he was a Prince.

Your Mom is so Ugly . . .

* Your mom is so ugly that she tried to enter an ugly contest and they said "Sorry, no professionals."
* Your mom is so ugly that she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application.
* Your mom is so ugly that her teeth are brown and she spits Yoo-hoo.
* Your mom is so ugly that when she's on the beach the tide won't come in!
* Your mom is so ugly that I went to your house, kicked in the door and your mom came out barking.
* Your mom is so ugly that when she got arrested they took her to the SPCA.
* Your mom is so ugly that she popped her head out the window and got arrested for indecent exposure.
* Your mom is so ugly that she makes blind kids cry.
* Your mom is so ugly that the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
* Your mom is so ugly that when two guys broke into her apartment, she yelled "Rape" and they yelled "NO!"

Your Mom is so Poor . . .

* Your mom is so poor that I rang your doorbell and she shouted "DING-DONG!"
* Your mom is so poor that she can't even pay attention.
* Your mom is so poor that at her funeral, she had to give up her casket in order to pay.
* Your mom is so poor that when she wants a gumball she has to put it on layaway.

Your Mom is Like . . .

* Your mom is like a brick, flat on both sides and keeps getting laid by Mexicans.
* Your mom is like a fire hydrant, on every corner.
* Your mom is like a shotgun, two cocks: and she's ready to blow.
* Your mom is like a screwdriver, everyone gets a turn.
* Your mom is like a doorknob, everyone gets a Turn.
* Your mom is like a bowling ball, she gets fingered and fucked down an alley 20 times a night, for 5 dollars an hour
* Your mom is like a gas station, pump first then pay.
* Your mom is like Burger King, "Your way right away."
* Your mom is like Timex, "Takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’ "
* Your mom is like 7-Eleven, she's always full of mexicans.
* Your mom is like McDonald's, "Serving Millions."
* Your mom is like Domino's, "Hot, Wild, Now."
* Your mom is like a rail road, laid all over the country.
* Your mom is like an SUV, big, black, and full of Mexicans.
* Your mom is like a door; I banged her all night.
* Your mom is like a police station, dicks go in and out of her day and night.
* Your mom is like good paint, cheap and easy to spread.
* Your mom is like Chinese food, every one gets a chance to eat her out.
* Your mom is like a toilet, fat, white and smells like shit.

Your Mom is an Inexpensive Whore

* Your mom is like a hardware store, 5 cents a bolt, 10 cents a screw.
* Your mom is like the Eagles Theater, 75 cents on Thursdays.
* Your mom is like Taco Bell, "79, 89, 99" cents.
* Your mom is like 7-Eleven, she's always full of Mexicans, open 24 hours a day and will give me a Slurpee for a dollar.

Your Mom is so Goth . . .

* Your mom is so goth that she makes Happy Meals cry.
* Your mom is so goth that when she had a sore throat, everyone thought she was a mime.
* Your mom is so goth that she shits bats.
* Your mom is so goth that when she walks outside, the sun hides behind the moon.
* Your mom is so goth that she sleeps in a coffin.
* Your mom is so goth that the only game she plays is Vampire.
* Your mom is so goth that when she went through a hip hop phase she became Wesley Snipes.
* Your mom is so goth she doesn't even talk
* Your mom is so goth she makes ******s look like they got dipped in Grammy's ol' tyme cum batter.

[Sjoerd]

heres mine:

THere was a guy called tmc123, and he got raped and raped over and over because he made a stupid thread