Mantra

[Batman]

Is it fucking worth it?
It's making me unfit.
Another restless night
To go to sleep becomes a fight

Is it fucking worth it?
I scream but I know that no one can hear me.
I scream in my head.
I can't fucking take it.
Not anymore.

Is it fucking worth it?
I grab the little plastic knife hidden under the bed
and with a flick everything is done.

Let a little blood flow.
It's not the blood i care about.
It's the feeling.
I fucking savor it.

It takes me off of this miracle planet that is Earth.
It makes me fly off to another galaxy.
I fly into another universe and you know what?
I love it there.
Because that universe is nothing like this one.

There's no parents who are disappointed in you.
There's no "friends" who don't care about you.
There's no expectations or hopes for you.
There's no need to cut.
There's no need to cry.

And I find that ironic.
That one cut takes me to a place where I don't need to cut.

I have hopes you know?
Some dreams.
That's why I don't spend all of these restless nights cutting, crying, or rearranging my playlist to my moods.
I learn.
I program.
I do things that people say I should continue doing - that can amaze people.
But I don't believe that.

Sometimes I want to just let people know,
that everything I do these days,
every damn action,
started with another cut at 4 AM
and another restless night
and another night coding
and another night learning
and another night crying
and another night remembering that I'm a monster
and another night chanting my mantra:
Is it fucking worth it?