|=Jokes=|-post your jokes here!

[daniliard]

Hey all here post funny jokes you know and zenzure bad words.....
I will start with few jokes and you continiue:[and you can rate the jokes]
Some of jokes weren't made by me
------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; " **** off you won't bring it back".
------------------------------------------------------------
Do you know best medicine?

RUM = Right Universal Medicine
------------------------------------------------------------
Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
------------------------------------------------------------
A girl walked up to her father and asked "Daddy, why is my name Daisy"? He replied "When you were born a Daisy fell on your head". His second daughter came up and asked "Daddy, why is my name Rose"? he swiftly replied "Because a Rose fell on your head when you were born". "Dee dee dee[daddy]", "shut up cinder block".
------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys are trapped on an island. They are bored and they want to get out of there. Some day, one guy found a lamp. He rubbed it and the genie popped out. The genie said "Give me your wishes!". The first guy said "I want be in my home." The wish was granted. The second guy said "I want to be at the Miami beach with a lot of women!" The wish was granted. And the third guy said "Erm, I'm bored now without my friends, I want them back so I can have fun!" The wish is granted.
------------------------------------------------------------
In paradise there are 2 lines:1st line-people who listened their wife
and 2nd-people who didn't listen their wife.
All the 1st line full with people who listened their wife and there was just 1 man at the 2nd line.The people from the 1st line ask him "why you stand there?" and he answers:"My wife told me stand here"

------------------------------------------------------------
It's December 23rd, a day before Christmas evening, and a little 5 year old girls tells her mother.
"Mom, I dont want an electric train set for Christmas anymore, so you can cross that off the list, make sure you tell Santa, instead of the Electric Train set, put brand new skates"
The mother replies "Well, why honey, why don't you want an electric train set from Santa anymore?"
The little girl says "Because I already found one in your closet"
------------------------------------------------------------



-And thats all for now more will come soon

[(G)rapefruit]

An italian guy, a dutchman and a frenchman walk into a bar... then the barkeeper says: is this a joke or sumting?
__________________________
three men are talking about how they think their wifes are cheating on them
the first husband says: i think my wife is dating a tenisplayer! i found a racket under my bed...
then the second one says: yeah, i think my wife is dating a golfer. i found a golfclub under my bed...
then the third one says: i think my wife is dating a horse! i found a jockey under my bed!
__________________________
you know... a time ago a skydiver got himself in a weelchair after a jump...
incredibly good aim don't ya think?
__________________________
Q. how do you call michael jacksons killer?

A. Smooth Criminal
__________________________
Who am i?

i'm a mighty tool mostly about 20 cm long. i'm apreciated bij both sexes.
you can recognise me by the hairs on one side and a small hole in the other.
at use im in a warm, fleshy hole and i go up and down.

when leave that fleshy hole i leave a juicy, white substance.
there is an electrical version of me too! that version makes a buzzing sound

what am i?




A TOOTHBRUSH! WHAT ELSE DID YOU THINK PERVERT!?
________________________________
you know why they always give female names to hurricanes?
when they come they are very wild and when they leave you've lost your car and house!
________________________________
Girl: father, i came to confess my sins
Priest: go ahead
Girl: my boyfriend is such a bastard! first he put his hand on my lap
Priest: like this? *the priest puts his hand on her lap*
Girl: yes, then he fondeled me!
Priest: like this? *the priest fondels her*
Girl: then he undressed me
Priest: like this?*the priest undresses her*
Girl: and he banged me!
Priest: like this? *the priest bangs her*
after 20 minutes the girl continues...
Girl: all like that!
Priest: thats it? i don't think thats a good reason to call him a bastard
Girl: and then the bastard told me he had AIDS!
Priest: THAT BASTARD!!!
________________________________
RATE THIS COMMENT

[anaruassasin]

a man walks into a bar. BAM

~edit

SeanBoy ROFL

[GOD]

KNOCK KNOCK?

WHOS THERE?

GOD

GOD WHO?

GOD DAMN YOU MORON



HAHAHA SO FUCKING FUNNY

[daniliard]

xD nice jokes i'll post more later :-)

[(G)rapefruit]

a couple of new jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. he doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. the other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. he gasps to the operator: my friend is dead! what can I do?

the operator, in a calm voice says: just take it easy. i can help. first, let's make sure he's dead. there is a silence, then a shot is heard.

the guy's voice comes back on the line. he says: OK, now what?
______________________________________

a man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. one of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. he stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

his friend says: wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. you truly are a kind man.

the man then replies: yeah, well we were married 35 years.
____________________________________________

ten reasons why computers should be female xD

1. They just sit there blinking dumbly at you.


2. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.


3. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed

to memory for future reference.


4. They frustrate the hell out of you when you give a command and

they don't, won't, or can't follow it.


5. Sometimes, try as you might, you can't turn them on

particularly if you already have a floppy in.


6 If you floppy disk has a virus, you can be $@#$@#$@#$@# sure your

computer will get it.


7. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.


8. A better model is just around the corner.


9.The best part of having one is the games you can play.


10. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
_____________________________________
a dog telling a joke:
Knock Knock
(who's there)
Woof
(Woof who?)
WOOF!
________________________________

Q:y did the chicken cross the road?
A: to get to the other side
_________________________________

69 Things to do in Wal-Mart
EDIT: all things with an X are things i already did xD

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. X
* Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. X
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. X
* Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in.
* Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell, ''I need some tampons!!''
* Try on bras over top of your clothes.
* Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
* While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible ''Sex and Candy''
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, ''I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,'' and see what happens.
* Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to ''10.''
* Play with the automatic doors. X
* Walk up to complete strangers and say, ''Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!...'' etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. X
* While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, ''Who BUYS this ****, anyway?''
* Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
* Put pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
* Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
*. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
* As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, ''Wow. Magic!'' X
* Put M&M's on layaway.
* Move ''Caution: Wet Floor'' signs to carpeted areas. X
* Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
* Nonchalantly ''test'' the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,''...I'm Batman. Come, Robin -- to the Batcave!"
* TP as much of the store as possible.
* Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
* Play with the calculators so that they all spell ''hello'' upside down. (01134)
* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, ''Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
* When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, ''Red Rover!''
* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Take bets on the battle described above.
* Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbie. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect...)
* While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
* While no one's watching, quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ''Mission: Impossible.'
* Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
* Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
* Fill an entire cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
* Set up a ''Valet Parking'' sign in front of the store.
* Two words: ''Marco Polo.'
* Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
* ''Re-alphabetize'' the CDs in Electronics.
* In the auto department, practice your ''Madonna'' look with various funnels. * Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like ''the fat man walks alone,'' and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
* While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying ''How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won.'' Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
* When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, ''No, no! It's those voices again!'' X
* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
* Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
* Get a stuffed animal, go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying ''Good girl, good Bessie."
* Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
* Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
* Test the fishing rods and see what you can ''catch'' from the other aisles.
* In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with a girl and start flirting with him as ditisily as possible: ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).'' When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).''
* Hold indoor shopping cart races.
* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially through narrow aisles. * Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. * Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
* Say things like, ''Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?''
* Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., ''Do you have any Shnerples here?'' X
* Ride a display bicycle through the store -- claim you're taking it for a ''test drive.''
* Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
* Get boxes of condoms and randomly slip them into peoples' carts when they aren't paying attention.

[epicowns]

a couple of new jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. he doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. the other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. he gasps to the operator: my friend is dead! what can I do?

the operator, in a calm voice says: just take it easy. i can help. first, let's make sure he's dead. there is a silence, then a shot is heard.

the guy's voice comes back on the line. he says: OK, now what?
______________________________________

a man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. one of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. he stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

his friend says: wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. you truly are a kind man.

the man then replies: yeah, well we were married 35 years.
____________________________________________

ten reasons why computers should be female xD

1. They just sit there blinking dumbly at you.


2. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.


3. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed

to memory for future reference.


4. They frustrate the hell out of you when you give a command and

they don't, won't, or can't follow it.


5. Sometimes, try as you might, you can't turn them on

particularly if you already have a floppy in.


6 If you floppy disk has a virus, you can be $@#$@#$@#$@# sure your

computer will get it.


7. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.


8. A better model is just around the corner.


9.The best part of having one is the games you can play.


10. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
_____________________________________
a dog telling a joke:
Knock Knock
(who's there)
Woof
(Woof who?)
WOOF!
________________________________

Q:y did the chicken cross the road?
A: to get to the other side
_________________________________

69 Things to do in Wal-Mart
EDIT: all things with an X are things i already did xD

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. X
* Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. X
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. X
* Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in.
* Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell, ''I need some tampons!!''
* Try on bras over top of your clothes.
* Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
* While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible ''Sex and Candy''
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, ''I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,'' and see what happens.
* Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to ''10.''
* Play with the automatic doors. X
* Walk up to complete strangers and say, ''Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!...'' etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. X
* While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, ''Who BUYS this ****, anyway?''
* Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
* Put pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
* Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
*. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
* As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, ''Wow. Magic!'' X
* Put M&M's on layaway.
* Move ''Caution: Wet Floor'' signs to carpeted areas. X
* Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
* Nonchalantly ''test'' the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,''...I'm Batman. Come, Robin -- to the Batcave!"
* TP as much of the store as possible.
* Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
* Play with the calculators so that they all spell ''hello'' upside down. (01134)
* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, ''Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
* When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, ''Red Rover!''
* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Take bets on the battle described above.
* Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbie. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect...)
* While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
* While no one's watching, quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ''Mission: Impossible.'
* Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
* Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
* Fill an entire cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
* Set up a ''Valet Parking'' sign in front of the store.
* Two words: ''Marco Polo.'
* Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
* ''Re-alphabetize'' the CDs in Electronics.
* In the auto department, practice your ''Madonna'' look with various funnels. * Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like ''the fat man walks alone,'' and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
* While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying ''How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won.'' Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
* When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, ''No, no! It's those voices again!'' X
* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
* Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
* Get a stuffed animal, go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying ''Good girl, good Bessie."
* Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
* Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
* Test the fishing rods and see what you can ''catch'' from the other aisles.
* In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with a girl and start flirting with him as ditisily as possible: ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).'' When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).''
* Hold indoor shopping cart races.
* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially through narrow aisles. * Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. * Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
* Say things like, ''Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?''
* Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., ''Do you have any Shnerples here?'' X
* Ride a display bicycle through the store -- claim you're taking it for a ''test drive.''
* Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
* Get boxes of condoms and randomly slip them into peoples' carts when they aren't paying attention.

69 things to do in walmart is brilliant..
Me and my friends walk to walmart and spend most of the day tere
Im going to do some of theese

Like,
"No no not theese voices again!!!"
"Put , m n m's on layaway"
I already have raced the carts with friends..
You shoulda put:People please proceed outside there is a man with a loaded gun" on the announcment things with on the poles with fire extuinguishers.

I've done turkey bowling,
I've Done the "Hey! long time no see"
Anyways i've got to pritn this and make a list,
though personally i think its impossible to get kicked out,
I've just been told to stop thats cildish

[Edidpel]

Yo Momma So Fat, When She Wears Stiletto's She Strikes Oil.
Yo Momma So Fat, When I'm Having Roast, I Invite Her For Free Gravy.

================================================== ======

Michael Jackson and a Gameboy both get turned on by little kids.
Michael Jackson died in Hospital having a STROKE(on a little kid)



Meh.

[wiggitywoof]

Your mom is like a brick, she's dirty, shes flat on both sides, and she always gets laid by mexicans

[mrxchaching]

......
And when he woke up in the morning..
SHE WAS STILL IN HIS BED!!
AHAHAHAHAHA..
...
...
..
...
..
...

[phucu]

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

[phucu]

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
*"Wonderful. What part is it?"
*The boy says,"I play the part of the Jewish husband."
*The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

*Q. Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
*A. Under the vacuum cleaner.

*Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
*A. (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.'
*"Force yourself," she replied.

* Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
* A: 'Is ANYTHING all right?'

* Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
* A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

* Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman says, 'Your wife fell out of the car five miles back.' Sam replies, 'Thank god for that... I'd thought I'd gone deaf!'

[phucu]

A black and a white man bought a rock house next to each other. After a week, Chris (the white one) paints his house pink, so that It is different than Ron's (the black guy). So Ron does that as well. The next day, Chris, made a fence around it and paints it white, so the black guy does it as well. After a year, Chris gets a bit pissed off and decides to sell the house. So he made one of those boards saying „FOR SALE – 1.000.000 $". The following day Ron makes the same board but his price was 2.000.000 $. So Chris was now really upset and decided to ask his neighbor:
- „Say, Ron why is your trashy house more expensive than mine?
- Black guy: "Cuz you have a black neighbor, mine's white."

[phucu]

A man goes into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck, of course the doctor asks what happened to him.
"Well, it pretty much goes like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my dear wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

..."and we went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball....stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."




"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Holy cow, Edna, this looks like yours!'"

[phucu]

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested.