IMPORTANT PSA

I was at a clothing store with my mother today. I was browsing the shirts in the big and tall section while slowly sipping my Diet Mountain Dew looking for the ever elusive 5XL shirt. When passing by the rack full of shirts too small for any average man such as myself to wear when out of the corner of my Gunnar glasses I saw a shelf full of head-wear that peaked my interest. I approached the shelf wiping the leftover Dorito dust from my all night long Overwatch marathon onto my 6th #FeelTheBern shirt when I saw it. The perfect hat to adorn my head, the one piece of fabric that could define my personality while also covering that embarrassing shine poking through right above my hair-tie.

This hat felt perfect for me, and the moment that I put it on I could tell, this was the hat for me, the hat that I could never take off and would complete my entire aura of high fashion. Within the first 69 seconds of looking at m'self in the mirror I noticed a fine lady was looking at me from the other side of the store, smiling with the biggest grin I have ever seen. The smile was akin only to those I have only seen on Jennifer Lawrence's perfect face on television while laughing and flirting with Thor's ugly younger brother. It was unmistakable, this woman was flirting with me, the way she shook her breasts up and down while smiling and trying to cover it up like she was shy or embarrassed about it. I tipped m'fedora in her direction and she swooned so hard she fell right to the ground, her grin still visible from ear to ear. This hat... had turned me into a total pussy slayer, buffing m'romance skill by a value of 1337.

Then m'mom came back, took m'newly found superpower off m'head and she told me to "Stop acting like a fucking neckbeard" and dragged me out by the scruff beneath m'chin that I have not had time to attend to since I got m'GTX 1080 and m'copy of Overwatch. She drove me back home and instantly locked me in my room with some new clothes she picked out and a treadmill. "I'll let you out when you can wear normal sized clothes and interact with people in a way that doesn't make them laugh at you for being a dumbass."

M'mother hates me now all because I instantly became a woman's wet dream. She won't let me go near a hat again, not even m'blue "Make Donald Drumpf Again" hat with an MLG sticker on the back. M'mom has ruined m'chances with the ladies forever and only unlocks and opens the door to m'room to give me a kale salad. How can m'mother do this to me, is there anything I can do to resolve this quarrel to continue m'main quest in the fall. I guess m'mother couldn't cope with the fact that in university this fall I would meet a beautiful blonde with luscious DD cup breasts who would love me for the nice guy I am on the inside, and marry me for m'above average brain and m'degree in Animation with a minor in Japanese Culture.

The treadmill broke when I started to hang m'sweat drenched T-shirts on it after intense matches of CS:GO in 4K so I don't know how I will lose enough weight to even leave m'bedroom now. Guess I will have to find a good online university to study for m'degree and guess I should upload a picture of one of those ugly guys all the hawt ladies seem to go crazy over to m'Tinder profile so I can acheive the life I was planning on while trapped here in m'parents' basement. Any advice for what else I should do? Maybe I should photoshop this hat with m'LEET hacker skillz on top of the ugly guy's head so even more ladies will swipe right.

Sorry this was long, but thanks for hearing me out in m'moment of anger and fine ladies that I have seen in the selfie threads, feel free to hit me up in m'DMs.