Hands-on Java Tutorial?

Well, I've seen many java tutorials on the web. Many of which you seem to have to have some sort of background knowledge of another language...Well, I have never learned any programming language.

I currently don't have a mic, but if anyone is kind enough to teach me through chat (AIM, some form of messenger, Ventrilo chat, prefer TeamViewer) Or can make / link me to a tutorial, please comment. Thanks

I am also learning. HARD to decide....Microsoft XNA or JAVA.

Best fucking Java-Tutorial in the world!