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Atheism used to be just about not believing. Steve Perry would sing, “Don’t stop believin’,” atheists would answer, “Screw you, big nose,” and that was the extent of the rebellion.
“Sorry, Mr. or Mrs. Religious Person. I’m busy baking muffins and I’m a non-believer. Good day.”
That was it.
These days it’s gotta be a whole dog and pony show. New age, atheist chic smart asses have turned simple non-belief and who-gives-a-shit lack of faith into its own stupid religion. Authors such as Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens are the L. Ron Hubbards of this new cult. And, yes, it is a cult like any religion because now atheists, in lieu of minding their own vapid beeswax, are holding conventions and are even trying to reverse their own baptisms.
Yes, the Dawkinians are holding debaptisms, these hilarious, Andy Kaufmanesque geniuses.
Ceremonies in at least states four states (mainly at douchey liberal colleges) have washed that holy water right out of these adorable little creatures’ hair via, of all things, a hair dryer. Yes, a hair dryer, presumably one like what Princess Vespa carted around in Spaceballs, will undo all the hurt and pain that that nasty Christening brought you way back when. And the dryers, according to the article, are marked “reason,” because nothing says reason like having some robed imbecile unbaptize you with a home appliance when any decent clergyman would stick that thing in this broad’s twat sideways.
At these debaptisms, waitresses also serve “de-sacraments,” consisting of crackers and peanut butter, because an atheist’s gotta eat. This reporter is quite saddened to think how many times he’s de-sacramented himself over the years. Good thing only Ritz and Skippy truly have the power to take away the light of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
Will a Hello Kitty hair dryer give these sardonic fuck sticks back the love their fathers never gave them? Only God…oops…I guess no one knows. Would a giant fan completely erase these fuckers’ memories of everything from that first confession to when they shit their pants in the third grade?
Some say that every one of these assholes should take the beating that Jesus took, and I personally would like to give it to them with a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire. That’ll make you forget the moment your crying parents held so dear, you sniveling little babies. Just because Daddy didn’t buy you the cell phone you prayed for or because a priest patted you on the head in a somewhat suggestive manner doesn’t mean you should mock religion until you need Him again.
Said Jennifer Gray in this article (and believe me, I’ll never watch Dirty Dancing again, you bitch), these ceremonies are “a chance to laugh at the silly things I used to believe as a child. It helped me admit that it was OK to think the way I think and to not have any religious beliefs.”
Little Jennifer’s summer is booked solid with ceremonies exorcising Santa Claus with a curling iron, the Easter Bunny with a coffee maker, and the time Uncle Paul buried his manhood in her with a shovel.
These dopes, like Gary Mueller, are even petitioning churches to remove their names from baptismal records because they were baptized without consent. It’s rape by baptism! Why not get de-circumcised too, you fruit?
Many atheists, like Pitzer College’s Phil Zuckerman, are saying, “We’re here. We’re secular. Deal with it,” and tracing the rise of smug atheism to George W. Bush’s presidency.
This leads me to two questions. One, can we ban marriage between atheists? That I can get behind. And two, does this mean that at the end of Barack Obama’s presidency slavery might make a comeback?
You call it a stretch. I call it Punch an Atheist Day.
