Depression

This probably belongs in the spam but I'm genuinely curious. Depression is a real thing and I'm wondering who else is dealing with it on this forum. Yes, I know it's MPGH and I know I'll get trolls or flaming. However, I've been dealing with it for a while now and early on in 2019 it really affected my life, so I just want to know what thoughts you have on it and what you do to get through it if you have a case of it of course or if you know a friend who has it, how they are? I do my own things but I feel like awareness too is a good thing. It seems like the happiest of people are often the most depressed and you'd never even notice. Anxiety is also very serious but they likely coincide with each-other.

I'm just interested in some conversation.

I put up an anonymous poll too.

im on LSD right now and pretty much wrote like 500+ words id say about what my depression is like, just for me to erase it all, changing it to say this instead

so yeah i was gonna write where my depression took a turn for mega depression around age 13, when i had my first love, who i dated till age 17 or so, spent all day every day together, lost virginity to each other, got in trouble together, dyed our hair together, school hated us together, you know, typical cute couple stuff

one day she loses interest in me, yeah, 4 years later, i know, and that just fucked my life up.
2 weeks later she is dating someone again, after a 4 year relationship since the age 13, you would think she would be sad in a way, no?

her new boyfriend was one of those "block your ex now" type of guys, so she was forced to delete me from her life. i haven't talked to her since the break up basically. hurts my fucking heart, i would have loved for her to at least be my best friend still, but after that not being a possibility, its like my regular depression just turned into super mega depression.

soo yeah lol 4 years of true love lead to complete heartbreak and i know what ya mean about depression can fuck a life up, trust me, i haven't been able to date a girl since then, everyone i interact with somehow is able to tell that there is something wrong with me, i don't know what signs i am giving but every girl i have tried being a boyfriend to would just know that i had a bad relationship in the past, and its ruining all my future relationships and i fucking hate it

it was just at a horrible time in my life, it was like my whole teenage experience, dedicated to that one girl just for it to be thrown away in the blink of an eye

my depression consists of sleepless nights, sleepy days, lots of acid trips to take my mind off of sad thoughts, lots of music almost playing 24/7, having dreams about the past and waking up drenched in sweat, etc the regular stuff ;p

Originally Posted by Riigged

im on LSD right now and pretty much wrote like 500+ words id say about what my depression is like, just for me to erase it all, changing it to say this instead

My depression came from a similar thing. I was dating a girl from 16 to 20 and everyone thought we'd get married and be happy together. I found her cheating on me, then she came up with so many lies and manipulated me after and it really fucked me up. We were unbelievably close, I didn't understand why she did it and I still don't. I failed all of my classes last year in the second semester of college because I couldn't think of anything else. I didn't want to get up, I always felt sick to my stomach. People knew I was depressed but I always felt like it was a dumb reason saying that it was because of a relationship when people asked why. I did think about suicide a lot but never told anyone and like @bernard.. I could never do it just because I care about the people that care about me. So I was just angry and I ended up punching holes in my wall and being destructive.

I've also been struggling with finding someone new. I have major trust issues because of her and when I finally meet someone that seems amazing, I play a bunch of bullshit scenarios in my head about things she could be lying about and whatnot when they're clearly not true and I end up ruining it.

2017-2018 I was a super depressed kid. Hated myself and life and would pop anything. In hindsight I don't really know why I hated myself, I viewed myself as a miserable failure... Yet I was still a kid. Months after hardcore drug usage, all my plugs seemed to align together and be as dry as a desert. "Well... Fuck". Then after scrolling through Snapchat, I see someone has shrooms. Fuck it I ain't tryna trip just once, I'll just buy a whole ounce. Whole ounce spread across a week. Yes, my dumbass was doing shrooms just to escape and feel good. That wasn't the case - first few times I just had a good time watching movies and seeing crazy shit... But the last time I did them, I got really into my head. It's really hard to explain, but that night I truly enlightened myself. I really got a grasp and a positive outlook on life. I'm young, I still have a clean slate so why would I give up and submit already? Why would I hate myself and poison my brain when I'm still a kid? Since then I've been working on myself and been trying to enjoy the little things. Also been more engaged in conversations at work and school. Since then I can say I'm genuinely not depressed anymore, just a few feel bad days from heartbreak. Sure I may not be happy, but I no longer have that looming darkness that makes me want to stay in bed all day or suppress it with drugs. I also must be honest, I haven't felt happiness like I did prior to going through my teenager crisis... And I think some of that has to do with the hardcore drug usage I put my brain through. Molly stresses the fuck out of your the brain, and I've had weeks where I did it the majority of the time. Very stupid and dangerous, but it's something I've heavily learned from.

I was always told by my elementary and middle school teachers I was in for a rude awakening, and damn were they right. Yet, that rude awakening has turned me into an adult and allowed me to be in positions to effectively help friends in need. So that rude awakening was actually a blessing in disguise and I am thankful for it, it's what makes me me.

Also @Riigged I have a feeling you're just one weird motherfucker and that's the signs you're giving these girls lmfao. I have a feeling you just say some crazy weird shit. Bad relationships do not define you and are something you learn from. Do you say weird shit or do you play the little bitch card? Shit, both can still work wonders if you find the right gal - but they're not the majority. Like is it not hard to front? Depending on the girl I'll front and I'm either the sweetest guy alive or a douchey pimp; not like we should be trying to get real relationships this young anyway. It seems women's brains flip flop around 26 and a real relationship might be possible then, but I'm 19 so I'll just keep fronting depending on what the girls likes and try to get my fill. Why can't you? You're not scarred from a highschool breakup... Tf?

tl;dr
i no depressed anymore cuz enlightenment and Riigged is a little bitchboy.

Originally Posted by Ben

2017-2018 I was a super depressed kid. Hated myself and life and would pop anything. In hindsight I don't really know why I hated myself, I viewed myself as a miserable failure... Yet I was still a kid. Months after hardcore drug usage, all my plugs seemed to align together and be as dry as a desert. "Well... Fuck". Then after scrolling through Snapchat, I see someone has shrooms. Fuck it I ain't tryna trip just once, I'll just buy a whole ounce. Whole ounce spread across a week. Yes, my dumbass was doing shrooms just to escape and feel good. That wasn't the case - first few times I just had a good time watching movies and seeing crazy shit... But the last time I did them, I got really into my head. It's really hard to explain, but that night I truly enlightened myself. I really got a grasp and a positive outlook on life. I'm young, I still have a clean slate so why would I give up and submit already? Why would I hate myself and poison my brain when I'm still a kid? Since then I've been working on myself and been trying to enjoy the little things. Also been more engaged in conversations at work and school. Since then I can say I'm genuinely not depressed anymore, just a few feel bad days from heartbreak. Sure I may not be happy, but I no longer have that looming darkness that makes me want to stay in bed all day or suppress it with drugs. I also must be honest, I haven't felt happiness like I did prior to going through my teenager crisis... And I think some of that has to do with the hardcore drug usage I put my brain through. Molly stresses the fuck out of your the brain, and I've had weeks where I did it the majority of the time. Very stupid and dangerous, but it's something I've heavily learned from.

I was always told by my elementary and middle school teachers I was in for a rude awakening, and damn were they right. Yet, that rude awakening has turned me into an adult and allowed me to be in positions to effectively help friends in need. So that rude awakening was actually a blessing in disguise and I am thankful for it, it's what makes me me.

Also @Riigged I have a feeling you're just one weird motherfucker and that's the signs you're giving these girls lmfao. I have a feeling you just say some crazy weird shit. Bad relationships do not define you and are something you learn from. Do you say weird shit or do you play the little bitch card? Shit, both can still work wonders if you find the right gal - but they're not the majority. Like is it not hard to front? Depending on the girl I'll front and I'm either the sweetest guy alive or a douchey pimp; not like we should be trying to get real relationships this young anyway. It seems women's brains flip flop around 26 and a real relationship might be possible then, but I'm 19 so I'll just keep fronting depending on what the girls likes and try to get my fill. Why can't you? You're not scarred from a highschool breakup... Tf?

tl;dr
i no depressed anymore cuz enlightenment and Riigged is a little bitchboy.

Jesus, the LSD actually made me share my feelings, what a surprise.
Just woke up and coming down :3
And btw I love shroomies too

I go hunting for them all the time in the woods.

I guess that's the reason, I sorta am scarred from it if I had to say, I mean, I started the relationship at 13 and ended it at 17 so it wasn't a high school relationship, it was a relationship from middle school to high school, she was all I knew, so when it was over, I had nothing. She was my only friend, everyone in our friend group was her friend before my friend so when we separated they all stayed in touch with her but not with me, I was like deleted from everyone's existence in a day, and it meant nothing to nobody. It was just too young of an age to experience that I guess and that's what made it worse than it seems. Not much people experience true heartbreak in their teenage years, this wasn't a normal school relationship, this was a real relationship not just a temporary one, until 4 years later of course when she randomly decides she wants a new boyfriend. Who knows, maybe you're right, and I am just a weird person and she saw that herself as she grew older with me, but I don't know, every girl I try to date kind of just puts 2 and 2 together when they realize how attached I get after barely even knowing them, its like I am super excited to be moving on and finally having hope in a new relationship, and they ruin it by questioning me about why I am so attached and I tell them the story and how I don't want to lose another chapter of my life and be left broken, because after I explain my past to them they always look at me differently.

I don't think I am a weird person though haha, most people compliment me on my personality, of course saying I am the funniest and most happy person they've ever met, what a coincidence, the person everyone considers happy is the one who is dealing with background depression. Just like OP mentioned..

Heartbreak + mother issues = one hell of a dating life.

I work a mans job and live a mans life, but when it comes to relationships, youre right, imma bitch, its just something I cant help no matter how hard I try, I know it happened at a young age and that I shouldn't let it be a contribution to my already existing depression, but its hard, I don't think people are understanding what its like, for this to happen to a young kid. I didn't know any better and since I was left with no friends and nobody to trust, I was left with nothing but my thoughts, this is when my regular low tier depression turned into a major case of uncontrollable depression. I would just bottle everything up all day and when I finally got to my room at the end of day, I would put on music and just think about things until falling asleep. I stopped doing my homework, every day, I failed the grade, went to summer school, which I had to stay here to go to summer school while the rest of my family moved to Florida, I lived with my aunt so that I can stay down here and participate in summer school and pass onto the next grade. So in the same year of the heartbreak, I had to deal with not seeing my own family for a whole year, eventually they came back down and I moved back into the apartment they found. Yeah I was 17 but still, not seeing your family sucks, a lot. Eventually came 10th grade, when I am at age 18 (I got left back lul), and I dropped out, I was not kidding when I said I didn't do any homework or participated in school, that's why I can totally vouch when OP says depression fucks your life up. Now I am doing better and working a mans job like I said, you know, the typical shit, getting them hands dirty and smelling like a caveman when I get home, living a mans lifestyle (not really lmfao) with my couch that I sleep on and the bong collection I take care of more than I would a kid (jokez ofc, I would treat them equally :3)…. so yeah, youre right on that, when it comes to relationships, I am a pussy, but its all I know, all I know is to completely give my all to the girl whether shes gonna accept it or throw it back in my face, and it sucks because you have to wait for the outcome and it almost never turns out how you want it to.

So yeah, moral of the story is don't date at a young age, you don't develop whatever it is that is needed to handle a heartbreak and it will leave you emotionally scarred. Being alone after the fact doesn't help at all either, it just makes it worse, but being able to share makes it feel better I guess, because I actually am finding comfort in writing these messages on this thread.

The one thing I wish I could stop is the dreams, I literally dream about her and its been 3-4 years, how am I supposed to forget about such a huge section of my life if I am reminded of it constantly by force, and my dreams are lucid so I experience it to the fullest, as if it was real what was happening, and it lasts for so long, and I have so much fun in them, that when I wake up I fall right back down hoping I can fall back asleep into the same dream. It hurts a lot, waking up in sweat and tears already running down my face as if I started crying before I even woke up.

My dreams aren't only about her, I dream about the friends I lost when me and her separated, imagine finally reconnecting with all your old friends who you used to spend every day with for years straight, in the dream you guys are having innocent fun, being teenagers together, sharing laughs, sharing secrets, everything seems so realistic, then waking up to find out it wasn't real, yeah, its not something you want to experience.
I was really traumatized by losing everyone in the time frame of over a day and I don't think anyone will believe me which is why I try not to talk about it. I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone, I was just forced to try and forget and move on. But like I said, these dreams make that hard.

And my depression is not revolved around this, this is just what made me see my depression for what it really was, I thought I was depressed when I was applying small cuts on my wrists hoping I was drawing attention to myself, but it wasn't until after the heartbreak and losing all my friends when I found out what real depression was.

EVERYONE GETS DEPRESSION

I wasn't depressed for the last year until the last few days, winter makes me depressed. Everything is so cold and dying, plus the holidays are gay. Anyways the last two days I've been coming down from caffeine withdrawal, massive headaches and the cold has been pissing me off. Felt super depressed and annoyed at everything. Last night it passed, and today I feel great but who knows how long that will last, because fuck winter.

As rigged mentioned, relationships often lead to depression. That's a whole different story tho.

With every high, there is a low. Some people can deal with it, some can't.

Honestly I grew up with that shit. It haunted me(Severe depression and suicidal thoughts) forever because how I grew up and how I always said life wasn't fair, until like one day I got up and said I gotta get shit together. I started smoking more, Doing things alone , Taking trips seeing life for what it was which is beautiful . There is a bigger picture we are suppose to figure out. I also moved away from my home town which was a very toxic place. I still have my lows but they aren't how they use to be I dont think about death like that and also they are only caused bc I have to pay everything by myself

I also have seasonal depression cause my birthday Is around the holidays but I think I finally figured that out

I was depressed back in late 8th, 9th and, early 10th grade. Was in a pretty shitty one sided relationship but it was also my first really serious relationship ever. I was obsessed tbh and it was really mentally unhealthy. When that fell out from under me I felt like an empty shell of a person with no meaning nor purpose in life. I became very distant from everyone even my friends. I remember at the time I would honestly turn to my internet friends on MPGH for help more than my real life friends because I couldn't imagine telling someone that actually knew me irl that I felt like shit and needed help.

I remember getting home from school one day feeling like shit, the usual. Listening to my alternative rock music, I remember standing in my room with my pocket knife in hand wondering what if I just stabbed myself to death in the bathtub? No no, I couldn't put my parents through losing a child to suicide. I was open to hurting myself, but not my parents. In a rage, I stabbed the wall in my room multiple times with the knife. There are knife holes still in my room to this day (just got up from my chair to go count the holes, there's 29 of them). My parents asked me how those got there and I just told them "I don't know".

They do say time heals everything, late 10th grade, I remember one of the key moments when I started "healing" was when I deleted all photos, memories, etc. of my ex. I started listening to EDM and slowly got better, though I still felt the hollowness inside. 11th grade I meet another girl, she was super cute and interested in me! It felt great to be liked by another girl. Broke up maybe a year later on good terms. So now I had a bad serious relationship and a good serious relationship. I was still confused in life.

College started and I immediately turned to using weed for the first time. My friends in high school was all stoners and in high school I was an absolute straight-edge kid (the all drugs are bad! kind of kid). feeling high for the first time opened my eyes. A month into college, I asked my friend if his plug had access to hard shit, and he did. So I got some mdma and acid and tried those for the first time. Drugs changed my life in the better in ways that are hard to describe. It was a new lease on life. My perspective changed completely. I did mdma with some close high school friends and I had never felt love like this before. I love my friends and my friends (though they were also on mdma) really cared for me too. And even though people are like oh haha its just the drugs, nah some of those deep feelings stick with ya. Same goes for acid. Acid rewired my brain. There was one occasion where I did some bunk ass amphed based hallucinogen, went through some insane ego death, ended up in the hospital and that nightmare journey completely changed my life. I did get in a bunch of trouble with my school but honestly it was worth it. The journey was worth the pain and trouble. It made me appreciate everything in life.

Stay hopeful friends.

Originally Posted by Bernard

I was depressed back in late 8th, 9th and, early 10th grade. Was in a pretty shitty one sided relationship but it was also my first really serious relationship ever. I was obsessed tbh and it was really mentally unhealthy. When that fell out from under me I felt like an empty shell of a person with no meaning nor purpose in life. I became very distant from everyone even my friends. I remember at the time I would honestly turn to my internet friends on MPGH for help more than my real life friends because I couldn't imagine telling someone that actually knew me irl that I felt like shit and needed help.

I remember getting home from school one day feeling like shit, the usual. Listening to my alternative rock music, I remember standing in my room with my pocket knife in hand wondering what if I just stabbed myself to death in the bathtub? No no, I couldn't put my parents through losing a child to suicide. I was open to hurting myself, but not my parents. In a rage, I stabbed the wall in my room multiple times with the knife. There are knife holes still in my room to this day (just got up from my chair to go count the holes, there's 29 of them). My parents asked me how those got there and I just told them "I don't know".

They do say time heals everything, late 10th grade, I remember one of the key moments when I started "healing" was when I deleted all photos, memories, etc. of my ex. I started listening to EDM and slowly got better, though I still felt the hollowness inside. 11th grade I meet another girl, she was super cute and interested in me! It felt great to be liked by another girl. Broke up maybe a year later on good terms. So now I had a bad serious relationship and a good serious relationship. I was still confused in life.

College started and I immediately turned to using weed for the first time. My friends in high school was all stoners and in high school I was an absolute straight-edge kid (the all drugs are bad! kind of kid). feeling high for the first time opened my eyes. A month into college, I asked my friend if his plug had access to hard shit, and he did. So I got some mdma and acid and tried those for the first time. Drugs changed my life in the better in ways that are hard to describe. It was a new lease on life. My perspective changed completely. I did mdma with some close high school friends and I had never felt love like this before. I love my friends and my friends (though they were also on mdma) really cared for me too. And even though people are like oh haha its just the drugs, nah some of those deep feelings stick with ya. Same goes for acid. Acid rewired my brain. There was one occasion where I did some bunk ass amphed based hallucinogen, went through some insane ego death, ended up in the hospital and that nightmare journey completely changed my life. I did get in a bunch of trouble with my school but honestly it was worth it. The journey was worth the pain and trouble. It made me appreciate everything in life.

Stay hopeful friends.

I can relate with some things you mentioned.

Gotta stay hopeful indeed.

Originally Posted by Dave84311

EVERYONE GETS DEPRESSION

I wasn't depressed for the last year until the last few days, winter makes me depressed. Everything is so cold and dying, plus the holidays are gay. Anyways the last two days I've been coming down from caffeine withdrawal, massive headaches and the cold has been pissing me off. Felt super depressed and annoyed at everything. Last night it passed, and today I feel great but who knows how long that will last, because fuck winter.

As rigged mentioned, relationships often lead to depression. That's a whole different story tho.

With every high, there is a low. Some people can deal with it, some can't.

seasonal depression is a big thing

absense of proper light can really mess with people

- - - Updated - - -

Originally Posted by Hennessy

I put up an anonymous poll too.

that emoji in the second option has such a painful look

mfw depressed, diagnosed sperg, diagnosed bipolar, sensory processing disorder, ARFID and misophonia.

fuck my existence.

I find that depression is the natural progression of a cycle of negative thoughts and bad vibes. Breaking out of depression starts with changing your current environment.

Originally Posted by InCognito

I find that depression is the natural progression of a cycle of negative thoughts and bad vibes. Breaking out of depression starts with changing your current environment.

I always tell people this. That's literally how you take control of your life.

I wouldn't say I was the depressed type of guy. But I started thinking about death when I was young (3rd / 4th class). Went pretty deep with my thoughts and came to a point where I just cried because my conclusion was that there is nothing beyond death. I became an Atheist. Shared my thoughts with a close friend in school. That helped me to get my mind clear again. But this death thing did never let me fully go. When I don't do productive things a day or just chill I feel 'depressed' / bored / whatever it is because my brain instantly connects it with wasting my left life span (that I believe is short, since I know that I will die young).

Since I had this feelings from little-on, times where for example my dad took my PC away from me for some bullshit reason again (I had good marks, which was surprising for them since in their perspective I 'wasted' my free time on the PC), didn't caused the 'lesson' they wanted to teach me but just depression. Which brought my parents into some bad light to me. As soon I can I will quit the communication between us and move to some other land to reduce the chance of seeing us to zero. Of course, some of you won't like this idea at all but talking with them did make it only worse. My entire childhood felt like this "Ok, boomer" meme. That's how you have to see it.

I managed to get in contact with some guy who is a lot older than me (30~) through some neighbor. He is one of the heads of the local computer club I started to help at and managed to tell my parents that I am good at what I am doing at PC (which is a fact). What probably no one knows in my family / close inner circle is that he is some sort of godfather.

There are a lot of more things to tell just like the time where I wanted to get some modern terrorist because I was an idiot who did let myself get inspired by some realistic anime (ewww. weeb) in which I could see me 100%. But I just don't feel like putting more time into this reply. Cheers~

Of course...

Depression

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