Depression

im on LSD right now and pretty much wrote like 500+ words id say about what my depression is like, just for me to erase it all, changing it to say this instead

so yeah i was gonna write where my depression took a turn for mega depression around age 13, when i had my first love, who i dated till age 17 or so, spent all day every day together, lost virginity to each other, got in trouble together, dyed our hair together, school hated us together, you know, typical cute couple stuff

one day she loses interest in me, yeah, 4 years later, i know, and that just fucked my life up.
2 weeks later she is dating someone again, after a 4 year relationship since the age 13, you would think she would be sad in a way, no?

her new boyfriend was one of those "block your ex now" type of guys, so she was forced to delete me from her life. i haven't talked to her since the break up basically. hurts my fucking heart, i would have loved for her to at least be my best friend still, but after that not being a possibility, its like my regular depression just turned into super mega depression.

soo yeah lol 4 years of true love lead to complete heartbreak and i know what ya mean about depression can fuck a life up, trust me, i haven't been able to date a girl since then, everyone i interact with somehow is able to tell that there is something wrong with me, i don't know what signs i am giving but every girl i have tried being a boyfriend to would just know that i had a bad relationship in the past, and its ruining all my future relationships and i fucking hate it

it was just at a horrible time in my life, it was like my whole teenage experience, dedicated to that one girl just for it to be thrown away in the blink of an eye

my depression consists of sleepless nights, sleepy days, lots of acid trips to take my mind off of sad thoughts, lots of music almost playing 24/7, having dreams about the past and waking up drenched in sweat, etc the regular stuff ;p

Jesus, the LSD actually made me share my feelings, what a surprise.
Just woke up and coming down :3
And btw I love shroomies too I go hunting for them all the time in the woods.

I guess that's the reason, I sorta am scarred from it if I had to say, I mean, I started the relationship at 13 and ended it at 17 so it wasn't a high school relationship, it was a relationship from middle school to high school, she was all I knew, so when it was over, I had nothing. She was my only friend, everyone in our friend group was her friend before my friend so when we separated they all stayed in touch with her but not with me, I was like deleted from everyone's existence in a day, and it meant nothing to nobody. It was just too young of an age to experience that I guess and that's what made it worse than it seems. Not much people experience true heartbreak in their teenage years, this wasn't a normal school relationship, this was a real relationship not just a temporary one, until 4 years later of course when she randomly decides she wants a new boyfriend. Who knows, maybe you're right, and I am just a weird person and she saw that herself as she grew older with me, but I don't know, every girl I try to date kind of just puts 2 and 2 together when they realize how attached I get after barely even knowing them, its like I am super excited to be moving on and finally having hope in a new relationship, and they ruin it by questioning me about why I am so attached and I tell them the story and how I don't want to lose another chapter of my life and be left broken, because after I explain my past to them they always look at me differently.

I don't think I am a weird person though haha, most people compliment me on my personality, of course saying I am the funniest and most happy person they've ever met, what a coincidence, the person everyone considers happy is the one who is dealing with background depression. Just like OP mentioned..


Heartbreak + mother issues = one hell of a dating life.


I work a mans job and live a mans life, but when it comes to relationships, youre right, imma bitch, its just something I cant help no matter how hard I try, I know it happened at a young age and that I shouldn't let it be a contribution to my already existing depression, but its hard, I don't think people are understanding what its like, for this to happen to a young kid. I didn't know any better and since I was left with no friends and nobody to trust, I was left with nothing but my thoughts, this is when my regular low tier depression turned into a major case of uncontrollable depression. I would just bottle everything up all day and when I finally got to my room at the end of day, I would put on music and just think about things until falling asleep. I stopped doing my homework, every day, I failed the grade, went to summer school, which I had to stay here to go to summer school while the rest of my family moved to Florida, I lived with my aunt so that I can stay down here and participate in summer school and pass onto the next grade. So in the same year of the heartbreak, I had to deal with not seeing my own family for a whole year, eventually they came back down and I moved back into the apartment they found. Yeah I was 17 but still, not seeing your family sucks, a lot. Eventually came 10th grade, when I am at age 18 (I got left back lul), and I dropped out, I was not kidding when I said I didn't do any homework or participated in school, that's why I can totally vouch when OP says depression fucks your life up. Now I am doing better and working a mans job like I said, you know, the typical shit, getting them hands dirty and smelling like a caveman when I get home, living a mans lifestyle (not really lmfao) with my couch that I sleep on and the bong collection I take care of more than I would a kid (jokez ofc, I would treat them equally :3)…. so yeah, youre right on that, when it comes to relationships, I am a pussy, but its all I know, all I know is to completely give my all to the girl whether shes gonna accept it or throw it back in my face, and it sucks because you have to wait for the outcome and it almost never turns out how you want it to.


So yeah, moral of the story is don't date at a young age, you don't develop whatever it is that is needed to handle a heartbreak and it will leave you emotionally scarred. Being alone after the fact doesn't help at all either, it just makes it worse, but being able to share makes it feel better I guess, because I actually am finding comfort in writing these messages on this thread.

The one thing I wish I could stop is the dreams, I literally dream about her and its been 3-4 years, how am I supposed to forget about such a huge section of my life if I am reminded of it constantly by force, and my dreams are lucid so I experience it to the fullest, as if it was real what was happening, and it lasts for so long, and I have so much fun in them, that when I wake up I fall right back down hoping I can fall back asleep into the same dream. It hurts a lot, waking up in sweat and tears already running down my face as if I started crying before I even woke up.

My dreams aren't only about her, I dream about the friends I lost when me and her separated, imagine finally reconnecting with all your old friends who you used to spend every day with for years straight, in the dream you guys are having innocent fun, being teenagers together, sharing laughs, sharing secrets, everything seems so realistic, then waking up to find out it wasn't real, yeah, its not something you want to experience.
I was really traumatized by losing everyone in the time frame of over a day and I don't think anyone will believe me which is why I try not to talk about it. I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone, I was just forced to try and forget and move on. But like I said, these dreams make that hard.

And my depression is not revolved around this, this is just what made me see my depression for what it really was, I thought I was depressed when I was applying small cuts on my wrists hoping I was drawing attention to myself, but it wasn't until after the heartbreak and losing all my friends when I found out what real depression was.

I wouldn't say I was the depressed type of guy. But I started thinking about death when I was young (3rd / 4th class). Went pretty deep with my thoughts and came to a point where I just cried because my conclusion was that there is nothing beyond death. I became an Atheist. Shared my thoughts with a close friend in school. That helped me to get my mind clear again. But this death thing did never let me fully go. When I don't do productive things a day or just chill I feel 'depressed' / bored / whatever it is because my brain instantly connects it with wasting my left life span (that I believe is short, since I know that I will die young).

Since I had this feelings from little-on, times where for example my dad took my PC away from me for some bullshit reason again (I had good marks, which was surprising for them since in their perspective I 'wasted' my free time on the PC), didn't caused the 'lesson' they wanted to teach me but just depression. Which brought my parents into some bad light to me. As soon I can I will quit the communication between us and move to some other land to reduce the chance of seeing us to zero. Of course, some of you won't like this idea at all but talking with them did make it only worse. My entire childhood felt like this "Ok, boomer" meme. That's how you have to see it.

I managed to get in contact with some guy who is a lot older than me (30~) through some neighbor. He is one of the heads of the local computer club I started to help at and managed to tell my parents that I am good at what I am doing at PC (which is a fact). What probably no one knows in my family / close inner circle is that he is some sort of godfather.

There are a lot of more things to tell just like the time where I wanted to get some modern terrorist because I was an idiot who did let myself get inspired by some realistic anime (ewww. weeb) in which I could see me 100%. But I just don't feel like putting more time into this reply. Cheers~

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