Chapter 1 - The beginning.

Posts 115 of 18 · Page 1 of 2
Chapter 1 - The beginning.
I hate to tell stories myself, so I’ll just let Johnnie explain to you what’s about to happen, all in all, it’s his story isn’t it?

- John, get the fuck up! - I could’ve recognized that voice a mile away, it’s Derek The Douche.

There’s a huge story behind his nickname, which I will perhaps going to tell you sometime later aight? Don’t get me wrong here, he has a huge white white heart, but damn he can be as annoying sometimes as a teacher interrupting you while you give the correct answer just to finish your sentences.

Today was the big day! Me, Derek, Liza and Ann would finally go to the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. We were all huge rock-heads (since there’s a term metal-head, why can’t there be a rock-head one?), Ann has a cousin working at McDonalds, one day the manager of the band came in and asked for a Big Mac, but couldn’t keep his eyes away from Ann’s cousin, so they ended up hooking together. As a favor he offered her a few free tickets to their next show in Cali. Next thing you know, we were going to one of the best band’s show.

Back in 2001 there were not so many things to do, I mean yes, we had internet but it wasn’t that popular as it is now so I guess everybody kind of preferred to play outside or skate everywhere they could (without recording for instagram). This didn’t exclude me, well at least I think it didn’t. You know most of the time I was busy playing my guitar or writing poetry based on my own life experiences, I’ve heard that’s what great minds do: they write about their personal stories. Based on this you might think that I’m some kind of nerd with huge glasses, always wearing a plain gray shirt, reading Bukowski and acting like a douche (I guess the now-days term is “hipster”). And you wouldn’t be wrong.. well expect for the Bukowski part. I thought that reading books would’ve helped me to write better stuff, but it never did. I was always attracted to books that the mainstream didn’t classify as “well written”.

All in all I had a good life, which I kind of hated, because as a wondering teen I thought that more difficulties would also improve my stories. Which didn’t work. Derek was my best friend since we were 4 and he was always there for me. When he met with Liza at history class they instantly fell in love. And looking at Liza, damn, how couldn’t you fall in love with such a tight ass? Oh by the way sorry for my language, but then again what would you expect from a 16 year old hipster?

Darn Johnnie! Enough with the background story or you’ll annoy the reader!

Shit, well, I guess you’re right, enough of that! Let’s get down to the main course. As we were preparing to go and meet the girls outside the stadium where the concert is going to be held, we bumped on Craig and his little band of assholes. Now you might be wondering who the fuck is Craig but I told E. I wasn’t going to get into annoying details about characters…

Well I think you can make an exception for that.

Aight, Craig is a fucking piece of shit. No he really is. He’s had a band for over a year now and even though they are pretty good he never misses a chance to show off. This really made me mad as I’ve always wanted to be part of a band but Derek never did. Only me and Ann would meet up sometimes and jam in my dad’s garage. Oh by the way my parents are divorced. TV’s serials always tell stories about how kids risen by separated parents always end up with some fucked up mind, and I guess they weren’t that wrong. But in my case I’ve always felt the love coming from both sides. I like my parents but they are better off without each other.

- Oh, hi there fucktard. - Damn I really enjoy insulting Craig.

- I see you’re going to the concert, - ofc he does, we were wearing T’s with a RHCP logo on them. - do you know which band is going to open up for them?

- Fuck you Craig. Always showing off, you little prick. - you could’ve feel the hate coming from right inside Derek’s heart, he also shared my same disrespect for that little bitch.

- The only thing that’s going to get fucked is the stage once we get up there, oh and by the way, I’ll be drowning in pussy after all this, perhaps your little girlfriend since seventh grade might want to join my sex feast later on.

He bumped on our shoulders making his way through both of us as we stood there like two trash cans, releasing a noise “ughh” when his shoulders touched ours; yep definitely just like trash cans.

- Fuck I’ve had enough of his shit. - said Derek.

- I have an idea..

Well maybe an idea which might’ve got both of us in trouble but who the fuck cared anyway?

Craig and his band, “The Lonely Fucktards” had made it half-way to the van where they had their equipment, but knowing him I called Ann and told her and Liza to set up a trap for them. And by “trap” I really mean getting their attention/provoking them, you know in a sexual way.

As they were talking dirty with the girls, me and Derek went to the van and dropped a bottle of water inside the amps. When we were done, Derek signaled the girls to get away and they joined us as we went inside the stadium.

The hype was high. Well ‘twas a RHCP concert what would you expect? Craig’s band made a glamorous entry as the crowd applauded and screamed, I almost felt sorry for what was going to happen. They plugged in the amps and started with a guitar solo accompanied by the bass and the drums. Craig was on the bass, Matt on the drums (Matt’s actually a great guy.. Sorry Matt) and Rose on the guitar (both Matt and Craig screwed Rose, we all knew that, yet nobody ever talked about it). They went on for a few minutes and I thought that our plan to wreck their show had gone to hell, when I instantly head a buzz. The amp connected to the bass started sparkling burst of electricity everywhere and after a few seconds caught up on fire. It kind of exploded damaging not only the other amp but also the drum sets. Matt fell of his chair and hurt his leg, again, sorry for that Matt. There was a huge silence by the whole crowd, and I thought that this was the end of their first huge gig. Well it wasn’t really. After a few seconds everybody started screaming and shouting, as Craig reached the mic and started jamming again this time singing their song “Ballerina, get on your knees”. Shit we failed.





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http://www.mpgh.net/forum/showthread.php?t=1214158
inb4shit.
I hope you enjoy this @R come suck my nerdy cock now.
@Predator yep, serious. I like writing, though I might not be good I still kind of enjoy it.
@popcornjesus I guess you were right tho
@Cotton @ByodoM I hope you like it
Is music going to be a theme throughout the entire book? It seems okay so far!
Wow. You hurt the feelings of Craig.

And Im coming to give the suck.
Quote Originally Posted by Calm View Post
Wow. You hurt the feelings of Craig.

And Im coming to give the suck.
hahah okay the first one about Craig is kind of funny lol

btw I'm watiting for you <3 my nuts are all sweaty and full of pubes I promise you won't regret this.


- - - Updated - - -

Quote Originally Posted by Cotton View Post
Is music going to be a theme throughout the entire book? It seems okay so far!
Yeah kind of. I thought that perhaps after the first intro chaps Johhnie would start writing down about his adventures in lyrics, which will end up making their songs.
Quote Originally Posted by user590177 View Post


hahah okay the first one about Craig is kind of funny lol

btw I'm watiting for you <3 my nuts are all sweaty and full of pubes I promise you won't regret this.


- - - Updated - - -



Yeah kind of. I thought that perhaps after the first intro chaps Johhnie would start writing down about his adventures in lyrics, which will end up making their songs.
How long are your pubes? I only suck cock if they have a meter long pubes.


- - - Updated - - -

Quote Originally Posted by Jov View Post

Hello My name is Doctor Jubs, MD PHD
This thread tested positive for the following substances:
500 Mg of Shit
200 Mg of Post
10 mg of Attention seeking

This is a very rare case, more research shall be conducted on the said OP of this substance. Thank you for asking my good Samaritan.


ps 2 for 2 did it again @R
LMFAO HAHAH

Hello My name is Doctor Jubs, MD PHD
This thread tested positive for the following substances:
500 Mg of Shit
200 Mg of Post
10 mg of Attention seeking

This is a very rare case, more research shall be conducted on the said OP of this substance. Thank you for asking my good Samaritan.


ps 2 for 2 did it again @R
Quote Originally Posted by Jov View Post

Hello My name is Doctor Jubs, MD PHD
This thread tested positive for the following substances:
500 Mg of Shit
200 Mg of Post
10 mg of Attention seeking

This is a very rare case, more research shall be conducted on the said OP of this substance. Thank you for asking my good Samaritan.


ps 2 for 2 did it again @R
bitch don't kill my vibe


- - - Updated - - -

Quote Originally Posted by Calm View Post


How long are your pubes? I only suck cock if they have a meter long pubes.


- - - Updated - - -



LMFAO HAHAH
They ain't that long but I think you'll quite enjoy them, they're like brown, like irish pubes but I'm black so it kind of makes a huge contrast
Well before I start critiquing I'm glad you let me know this was more of a casual read, and also that I'm only going to try and help you get better at writing/give you a few pointers so do not feel insulted, just trying to help

I like how you interacted with the character as a writer and distinguished yourself and Johnny as if you were having a conversation while he's relating an incident.

However, there's a couple of things that I think are limiting you from writing to your full potential.

The first being that you've chosen a niche that cannot be expanded upon more than you already did. In other words, you may not be able to write as much as you want to about this topic since it's limiting in the sense most of it will be repetitive unless ofc you are very creative and able to surpass that barrier.

Furthermore, I think it would add a lot more flavor and life to the story if you added more details by describing not only the environment and the characters in depth, but also if you provide further backstory before delving in.

Overall, it was a nice casual read and I can see myself reading the next couple chapters but only if you provide suspense at the end of each. You need to have a cliff hanger to keep the audience engaged. Nonetheless, good work.
Quote Originally Posted by ByodoM View Post
Well before I start critiquing I'm glad you let me know this was more of a casual read, and also that I'm only going to try and help you get better at writing/give you a few pointers so do not feel insulted, just trying to help

I like how you interacted with the character as a writer and distinguished yourself and Johnny as if you were having a conversation while he's relating an incident.

However, there's a couple of things that I think are limiting you from writing to your full potential.

The first being that you've chosen a niche that cannot be expanded upon more than you already did. In other words, you may not be able to write as much as you want to about this topic since it's limiting in the sense most of it will be repetitive unless ofc you are very creative and able to surpass that barrier.

Furthermore, I think it would add a lot more flavor and life to the story if you added more details by describing not only the environment and the characters in depth, but also if you provide further backstory before delving in.

Overall, it was a nice casual read and I can see myself reading the next couple chapters but only if you provide suspense at the end of each. You need to have a cliff hanger to keep the audience engaged. Nonetheless, good work.
Damn thanks man I really appreciate this.
+1
Quote Originally Posted by user590177 View Post


Damn thanks man I really appreciate this.
+1
This guy's hella professional. dope bro

If I were to give you a comment about it, I'd say its dope like weed.
Quote Originally Posted by Calm View Post


This guy's hella professional. dope bro

If I were to give you a comment about it, I'd say its dope like weed.
You're full of shit R. I bet you can't even drive. lol u like 12 kiddo, get on me level
Quote Originally Posted by user590177 View Post


You're full of shit R. I bet you can't even drive. lol u like 12 kiddo, get on me level
R stands for Retarded you fgt. And I drive. Dont hate on me
Great job bro.I love you writing style.

Keep up the great work!Cant wait for Chapter 2
Read the entire thing and tbh I'm not a fan. I like how you did the whole breaking the 4th wall thing, with someone speaking to the narrator and what not as if the narrator is speaking straight to the reader, however at this point I find that so generic and overdone. Also your characters are extremely shallow in that they're so underdeveloped that I couldn't care for any of them. As someone else said, more background and character development. All I hear is a bunch of names, girl names, guy names, but they all lack character. One dude is supposedly a douche but a friend, cool. Another dude is an asshole that the narrator has beef with, cool? And the way the characters speak give me cancer. They just sound like really angsty teenagers (which I guess they're suppose to be?). Btw, that part where the narrator said what else would you expect from a 16 year old hipster? Like that part just sounded so fake.
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