Life

Life

Life is sometimes shitty, sometimes fun
Sometimes I want to sleep, sometimes I want to run
Life is filled with bad and good
Growing up, facing manhood
Sometimes I just want to scream
Sometimes I want to be alone, just you and me.
You can make me smile, when life isn't going well
You are like an angel from heaven, that just came and fell
Every day, I wonder what I am doing, being in this place
The only thing that can cheer me up, is your beautiful face
I love the way you say my name
You rid my mind of all the shame
You take the breath right out of me
You are right where you should be
We can sit here together forever and ever
Until we fade away, whenever.....

@Liz Be a critic. A nice one, hopefully.

I wrote this extremely quickly, I hope I did okay for a first.

It's not bad for a impromptu piece, Only real critique i can do, is to express in a more eloquent way, It may be verbose, but also gives the reader a break from normalcy. Also pick a single theme, The writing starts off as a life contemplation piece, then turns into a romanticism piece. Perhaps focusing on just one and trying to be true, honest and more open, it can lead to a much better piece.

Nonetheless, its a good start, and you should continue to write, not only does it clear the mind but helps focus it.

Yeah I was just going to do a life piece, but I decided to mix it up, I forgot to change the title. Just some thoughts about how my life isn't going well, but my girlfriend is always there to cheer me up. Thanks though! It really did help me.

Originally Posted by Liz

It's not bad for a impromptu piece, Only real critique i can do, is to express in a more eloquent way, It may be verbose, but also gives the reader a break from normalcy. Also pick a single theme, The writing starts off as a life contemplation piece, then turns into a romanticism piece. Perhaps focusing on just one and trying to be true, honest and more open, it can lead to a much better piece.

Nonetheless, its a good start, and you should continue to write, not only does it clear the mind but helps focus it.

woah liz.
you have a large library of vocabulary

And your suggestions are really helpful to me too!